Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever ‘just texting’

515 replies

PoleaxedAndSome · 16/04/2022 15:56

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/04/2022 19:27

Told him I’d need to see (the messages) ... Cue more admissions drip by drip. Apparently he doesn’t want to because they aren’t sexual but they are intimate and would upset me

He's not being very original is he? Hmm

Anyway it seems you've got your answer; there's only one reason he'd be so determined for you not to see them, so now it's for you to decide what to do

IWasFunBeforeMum · 16/04/2022 19:31

Sorry this is happening to you. The 'morning you' suggests more than mates. I've got tons of male mates and would never text that. It implies some sort of intimacy and closeness.

girlmom21 · 16/04/2022 19:31

He could have shown you the messages and you could have made a decision based on the actual issue.

He could have told you the truth, but he was too scared.

He didn't tell you the truth when you asked so I wouldn't trust a single other word that he, or she, tell you.

They're a pair of nasty liars. He's a scummy cheat. It'd be too much for me to get past because I'd never stop worrying who he was talking to or when he was going to take the next step.

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 16/04/2022 19:31

@Bizawit yes it’s clear now she was lying (she is also in a relationship so I suppose stands to lose). Even if I were to believe that she didn’t find those remarks flirtatious (or- entirely possible, that she knew but wanted nothing to do with it) that’s been well and truly blown out of the water by him admitting that they spoke about wanting to cuddle on the couch together. She’s lying as his he. Fine, she’s not married to me. She owes me nothing. Him, on the other hand….

OP posts:
Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 16/04/2022 19:35

I honestly can’t believe that he’s been willing to throw away what we have. We are so lucky in life. We have two gorgeous children, good jobs, a lovely home. We’ve had our problems and I truly thought - and he was telling me- that we were on track to coming back stronger. What a waste. What a mockery of marriage and of me he has made.

OP posts:
Spaghag · 16/04/2022 19:37

When this happened to me, the singular most focusing thing anyone said to me was an MNer. She said "ultimately the OW is nothing to you. She owed you nothing so don't waste energy on her. She isn't the one who stood next to you in a suit & vowed to forsake all others".

I wanted to destroy her life like she had destroyed mine & my DCs. But ultimately, for me, the blame lied with my ex-H.

beastlyslumber · 16/04/2022 19:40

No, it's never "just texting." Sorry, OP. He sounds like an absolutely idiotic, selfish, unoriginal bastard.

ManateeFair · 16/04/2022 19:41

I think plenty of people will flirt via text or online or even sign up for dating apps to chat without having any intention of doing anything further than that. It’s a buzz for them, a dopamine hit, a reassurance that they’re still attractive, or whatever. I definitely know people - men and women - who have done this.

It doesn’t, however, mean it’s OK. I wouldn’t ever do it because I’d feel it was in the realm of cheating, and I would be furious and gutted if a partner did it to me. Whatever his intentions, your partner crossed a boundary and you’ve every right to be angry and upset.

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 16/04/2022 19:41

@Spaghag I agree. This isn’t about her. It’s about him and me. If not her, it would be some other woman since apparently he’s that way inclined.

How did any of you who have suffered through this make the decision to give up your lives, your children’s comfortable happy lives, to start again as a single mum? I keep thinking of that scene in Love Actually, where Emma Thomson says - is it sex and a necklace? Or worse, love and a necklace? Do I leave? do I stay and always be a little less happy?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/04/2022 19:42

What a mockery of marriage and of me he has made

Of the marriage perhaps, but certainly not of you - at least, not unless you decide to pretend it never happened

After all it's not you who's already lied and betrayed, and I doubt it would be you who'd try to push the blame onto their OH, which is what he'll almost certainly try to do if you push him

JustWantToCry000 · 16/04/2022 19:55

How old are your children OP?

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 16/04/2022 20:03

@JustWantToCry000 young. Under 7

OP posts:
trilbydoll · 16/04/2022 20:06

Have they had the opportunity to take it further? If they've had plenty of opportunity but it has stayed as flirty messaging that (somehow) feels better than if they've had no opportunity. But ultimately it's impossible to know (for him too) if he would have taken it further. Way too many variables.

LidlMiddleLover · 16/04/2022 20:12

Its a betrayal get rid of him

Hawkins001 · 16/04/2022 20:16

@PoleaxedAndSome

Believe me *@MissMaple82* I’ve said as much to him. I just am struggling to turn it over in my own head. He’s giving me all the chat about ‘I would never have acted on it, I would never risk us’. He’s already bloody risked everything with every time he chose to text her something he knew was over the line.

I’m honestly so shocked. He has always been so so anti cheating, ever since we first met. Just goes to show you never truly know someone.

I agree , you never truly know a person, these days anyone can have a cover story, or a secret identity, ect, or just good at masking their perspectives and personality.

All the best op, and texts can start of with the best set of intention, but depending on the people involved sometimes the lines become blurred, and bit by bit, the seduction happens, then depending on each person's view points, it can lead to more.

LittleBitHeiressLittleBitIris · 16/04/2022 20:24

[quote PoleaxedAndSome]@Spaghag I agree. This isn’t about her. It’s about him and me. If not her, it would be some other woman since apparently he’s that way inclined.

How did any of you who have suffered through this make the decision to give up your lives, your children’s comfortable happy lives, to start again as a single mum? I keep thinking of that scene in Love Actually, where Emma Thomson says - is it sex and a necklace? Or worse, love and a necklace? Do I leave? do I stay and always be a little less happy?[/quote]
OP what a shitty shitty thing he's done. I'm so sorry that this has happened. The saddest thing is regardless of what you do now, it's over and it's changed forever.
You will never trust him again, you will never see him the same way. He is not the man you thought he was.
Please don't stay with him- it will be hellish for you but bit by bit this will chip away at you.

Aliceforgot · 16/04/2022 20:31

I am so sorry OP. I'd find messages like that, and the subsequent lack of trust, very hard to come back from but don't know what I'd do.

Jewel52 · 16/04/2022 20:34

I’m trying not to project here but it was similar circumstances when I first started to mistrust my ex. He swore I was paranoid and I let it go. A few years later I discovered that he’d had a couple of work affairs. The intent to stray was there from the beginning of the flirty messaging. With hindsight, I wish i’d dug deeper to start with and had a proper look at his phone. But I felt that was demeaning to both of us and why be in a relationship without trust. If i’d seen certain photos, suggestive messages etc on his phone, i’d have wasted fewer years on the selfish arse. You need to see the phone

godmum56 · 16/04/2022 20:53

no its never just texting

FabFitFifties · 16/04/2022 20:59

So sorry you are going through this OP, he has made a fool of himself, not you. You need to do what is right for you and the children -don't be rushed, but don't be open to manipulation either. 💐

FabFitFifties · 16/04/2022 21:03

I don't agree with seeking further information/evidence from either of them. You have seen and heard enough - you will never know the truth as they aren't truthful people. Keep your dignity (easier said than done, I realise).

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 16/04/2022 21:11

And finally some 12 hours later and after telling him I’ve messaged her asking for screenshots we are beginning to approach the truth. The messages were ‘sometimes’ sexual. Asking each other what they are in to and so on. Apparently she used to be in to girls. Jesus wept. I thought guys were able to see through that shit to what matters by their 20s. I still get the impression that it hasn’t progressed to real life but to answer a PP this is due to lack of opportunity. They only see each other about once a month at a club and I don’t think they seem to have built up to arranging to meet outside that.

How dare he jettison me and the kids lives like this? Someone tell why the freaking fuck it’s fair that I now have to choose between staying and being miserable and going and giving up half of my kids lives.

OP posts:
Mintlegs · 16/04/2022 21:15

What a dick. Deleting messages for a good reason. Get your ducks in a row and stop listening to his lies. You deserve better. If you have children, he is a terrible example to them. If you don’t, it’s a lucky escape. Sending you hugs.

LivingDeath · 16/04/2022 21:34

I always go with the adage of "if you have to hide something or cover it up then it's already unfaithfulness".

Cockenspiel · 16/04/2022 21:40

What a pathetic lying cunt he is.

Sorry OP, but you’ll never forget and he’s drip-fed you all day with crumbs of truth which get worse with each admission. So he’s still hiding stuff and you’ll never know if you actually know everything.