To ask how to get my children to eat properly

[TeddyisMydog]

Probably not an aibu but I'm in serious need of a change.

My children (the eldest is a good eater but the younger, 5y.o and 3y.o) are shockingly bad. For example this morning

Cereal : weetabix minis not eaten
Grapes, not eaten
Pancake not eaten
Then they'll cry and scream for crisps which I try hard not to give in to.
They had a jelly then a fibre one bar.
They then had a cheese string, a bag of mini cookies

5y.o is currently at a hospital appointment so lunch for the 3y.o
Sausage roll, sandwich, yoghurt, two jammy dodgers and a drink.

She poured the drink into the yoghurt, everything else was crumpled into bits.

I would put money on her asking for food within ten minutes.
I don't even bother making them a hot dinner anymore as they completely refuse it.

I've tried : shouting, not shouting, making us all eat together, making meals that they can pick at, I've tried buffet style, I've tried letting them eat it on the floor, letting them eat it outside, telling them they won't get a desert, giving in and saying "one bite and you get a desert!" I've even let them have dinner in front of the TV. I've tried giving them a choice of what food to have and I've tried just picking their food and saying there is nothing else. Someone once suggested a snack box but they ate it within an hour and it was a long 4 hours of hearing them cry and whinge for something else.

They wake 3 maybe 4 times a night crying that they are hungry which hurts my heart. I don't usually give them anything so they have to wait until cereal which again goes un eaten.

I'm about to engage in a massive health kick as I am starting to feel very down about my weight and looking in the cupboard there is easily £12 worth of biscuits and crap, nothing filling.

My children don't eat any fruit or veg.
Food at nursery gets sent home so they don't eat there either.
At my lowest point I begged my elder to just eat some chocolate so there was something in her belly (that was the day she'd chosen to eat a cheese string all day)
They don't have birthday cakes either as it goes to waste (my daughter had one for her 4th and 5th birthday, pulled the icing off then binned it)
My 3 year old had one for her birthday last year and just mushed it.

I have a 4 month old baby and PND so please be kind in your replies, I am knackered to my core so I've let them get away with their eating habits, it's going to take all of my strength to change it but I need to do something, we waste so much food it's shocking.

Small children have very little power/control over things in their lives so often when they realise that food is something they can get a great reaction from their carer about the whole thing spirals. I am no expert but my suggestion would be to provide (if your circumstances/budget allows it) healthy food at regular intervals, so think breakfast, morning tea/snack, lunch, afternoon tea/snack, and dinner. Give them a reasonable amount of time to eat it - no discussion, no cajoling, no negotiating, then remove what is left at the end with the only comments being positive. Nothing else offered until the next meal time when you repeat the process. I would also not have things like crisps in the house, they will soon learn that whining for things that aren’t there is pointless. The big thing is to stop food becoming a battle.

This sounds incredibly difficult, I've come on more to give you sympathy more than anything.
Things I've found helped with my three year old:
Hot chocolate- I know it sounds counter intuitive but you can gradually get the hot choc replaced with cocoa and at least you know she's had milk.
'Nice cream'- frozen bananas, peanut butter, milk and cocoa blended. Tastes like ice cream and has fruit and protein in it.

Books with kids that eat fruit or veg- this may work on the three year old rather than the five year old. But if my kid likes a book where they are eating peas for example and I put peas on her plate for dinner making sure I do not draw attention to them she will eat it.

But the best thing is eating healthily in front of her. If I start eating an apple and don't say anything- she'll start asking for it then I give it to her. Most things depend on me not making a fuss I realise writing this.
Anyway these are just a few random suggestions.
Hope you can have some success

Be a good role model. This is perfect timing if you’re just about to start eating healthier yourself. Don’t talk about diets and eating, just change what’s available (no crisps or biscuits, etc) and model enjoying eating nourishing food.

I also love @makinganavalon’s idea about reading books together that model lots of enjoyable healthy foods. Don’t make a massive deal about it, but share the books and have some of the items available.

I think you have to start with getting rid of almost all of the crisps etc. maybe let them choose from a selection of foods screened by you to very slowly encourage better habits.

And stop negotiating- you’ve definitely proved it doesn’t help!

Good luck. It will take time.

Don't allow them the snacks.

Choice at breakfast - cereal or egg on toast (for example). If they eat it all and they are still hungry then they can have some thing else. But be clear what the 'breakfast' foods are. So they understand. Don't put too much cereal out for them. Better they have a little bit and ask for more than get overwhelmed by the amount.

Mid morning healthy snack. Cheese and biscuit - think 2 small round biscuits with a slice of cheese. Maybe a few grapes.

Lunch - either your hot meal of the day or a cold choice. (If the same as today happens again....I keep the plate of bits and when she asks for more food in 10 minutes she would be given it again... sorry I'm harsh. But wasting food is not acceptable.

Mid afternoon snack - milk and biscuit.

Tea - either healthy hot meal or toasted sandwich maybe.

You eat the same as them. Don't buy all the snacks and you won't be tempted to give them to them. You should also sit and eat with them. Model the behaviour you want to see.

Sometimes things like a Healthy Eating chart they can fill in with what protein they have, what fruit what veg etc will show them what they 'need' to eat that day....buy don't get obsessed.

Thank you all for being nice
My 3y.o has asked for cereal, cheese, a waffle and a yoghurt so far
It's draining because if I don't let her snack she won't eat dinner so what do I do? Just leave her hungry 😥 I'm so afraid of. Ot parenting properly and that I'm screwing them up

It sounds like it's all gotten rather fraught and is stressing you all out. DS sees a dietician for restrictive eating, their advice is:

• the main meal of the day (tea for us) should be two courses of a meal and a basic dessert with no strings attached to either and both served at the same time, they get one even if they haven't eaten the other. The idea is that they get enough calories across the two, it also takes away the power of dessert as a reward

• every meal should have at least 1-2 'safe' foods that you know they are usually guaranteed to eat. This might lead to some strange combinations (bolognese with every component in a separate bowl and a side of cucumber...) but means there shouldn't ever be 'nothing' to eat

• serve the meal, allow a set amount of time (30-40 minutes is more than enough for that age group) and then clear it away. If they haven't eat much, or anything at all, then try and stretch them to the next meal time. If the next meal time is a long time away (e.g., overnight to breakfast) or they seem particularly hungry then around an hour after the rejected meal offer a basic/plain snack such as cheese and crackers, veggie/fruit sticks, buttered toast, etc.

• don't beg, cajole, plead, or bargain. No "just taste it" or "one more bite". Offer the food without comment and take it away without comment

• don't use food as a reward, don't withhold or re-serve food as a punishment, don't use it as a distraction or a bribe, it's just food and it should have no emotional or behavioural ties attached to it

• get them involved in making food. Simple recipes like bun cakes, egg muffins, fruit salads, wraps, etc that can be as healthy as you want to make them and will hopefully encourage them to try the end results

Stop giving them what they want. If you aren't making hot food, I would be re-offering what they turned down when they ask. If an attempt isn't made to start eating within five minutes of serving, take it away before there is chance of destroying it and say you'll give it back when they are hungry. When they ask for food, give them the initial meal again and be clear that is all that is available.

Have you heard of the feeding division of responsibility thing? Google will be able to provide a better explanation but it’s along the lines of you provide the food, they decide whether to eat it or not. That’s it. If they don’t you clear up and walk away, after a certain amount of time has passed (maybe 30 mins?).

So in your kids case, you could put out buttered toast and some chopped fruit or a yoghurt, for breakfast. If they choose not to eat anything that is their choice.

I would be interested to know if you eat 3 square meals a day alongside them? Or if you are similarly living off snacks and treats and they are copying you?

It sounds like you’ve tried as many things as you can think of (and good on you for the thinking!) but you can’t - surely? - with that long list, have stuck to any approach for long.

Massively cut back on all the processed treats in the house. So you can’t give in. No mini cookies, no jammy dodgers, and I’d include Fibre One bars in that. Easier for you to say no if you don’t have them. “Sorry sweetie, we don’t have any” is easier than “no I’m not letting you have it.”

Stick with the healthy meals, and look out for filling options, like low sugar / salt beans on wheat & white toast. Wholemeal pasta, not white. Baked potatoes.

If there’s something they will eat, make sure you have it in for snacks. So for example, a slice of buttered toast might always be available. Or cheese strings. Or yoghurt (full fat is preferable so they’re filled up, but not the most sugary). And if they don’t like it, let them be hungry. It’s OK to be hungry.

But whether you like my ideas or someone else’s… commit. Months. Every time you’ve changed approach, you’ve taught them that refusal, crying, pestering works.

If you have some healthy and filling foods that they’ll eat - don’t be afraid to serve the same thing over and over again.

You also mention the “one bite then dessert” thing… are you a household that thinks every main meal should have a dessert?
Break that habit.

Adding to the list of things not to have in the house to give in to, is jelly! Even if it’s 0 sugar, it fills no-one up. Custard is a better option for filling and nutrition.

But another issue I have with jelly, is it is a “fancy packaging food”. Ditto the cereal bar. And the cheese strings. Children often think such things are so much better, and will clamour for them.

It sounds tough. I like the division of responsibility thing - up to you to provide food, up to them what they do with it. Doll sized portions, eating it yourself and clearly enjoying it, and not commenting AT ALL on what they’ve eaten in any way all help.

But… sounds like you have your own issues with food and weight. Are you able to get a bit of help, maybe some NHS CBT or counselling, just for you? It is often our emotions around things that drive the behaviour in our children that really pushes our buttons, and creates a vicious cycle.

DD ate 6 things at 3 years old. When I spoke to the GP about it, he said that she could eat those things for the rest of her life and it was perfectly balanced. From about 7 she branched out and as an adult eats anything.
You've had some good advice here, OP. Could I suggest that your 3 year olds packed lunch seems a lot of food for a 3yr old. Maybe think about offering smaller portions, and/or less choice. I think it's very easy to overface young children. Have a look online for appropriate portion sizes for different ages... I bet it'll be less than you think.

With this I would get rid of EVERYTHING that is unhealthy at all, and serve only healthy options, then give power to them to make all the choices.

For between meals have a range of options that they can always access - in our house my children were always allowed bread, oatcakes, fruit at any time. No one was ever required to eat something they did not want. I never ever cajoled.

There is too much battling and not enough boundaries - these food arguments simply could not happen historically e.g. under rationing because the option to eat loads of sugary yogurt or crisps or sausage rolls did not exist - create that in your own home and leave them to choose.

Totally agree with this: I like the division of responsibility thing - up to you to provide food, up to them what they do with it

Christs it’s awful I have been there with my three all at different times. It is awful so you have my every sympathy.

My first question would be are they really hungry? I know this sounds stupid but often they are bored or thirsty. Have the had enough fresh air and exercise?

I als I think there is too much processed stuff and biscuits / cheese strings etc should be a treat. Don’t let them see the crisps. I keep all crisps, chocolate , treats out of sight in utility cupboards high up in boxes. They have to ask for something and only get it Based on their behaviour and if they’ve eaten their sandwich, tea etc etc.

Annoying questions and observations aside things that have worked for me are

• rotating the three of them being cafe owner at breakfast lunch and tea times through holidays and weekends. They look in the cafe store and decide what we are eating. I manipulate this with putting a restricted and agreeable section in my eyes: the cafe store is a plastic storage tub

The cafe owner goes and asks the two if they want one of two options: normally eg at breakfast the chosen piece of fruit with a yoghurt tube and a croissant or the “hot “ option which might be scrambled eggs on toast that day or a boiled egg you get the idea. This does work well a lot do the time and I work around use by dates etc.

• no sweets or crisps or treats if they don’t eat their main meals. If they are starving in between meals it’s fruit / crackers/ malt loaf / a drink of milk.

• if they reject both of the options they miss a turn at being cafe owner so run the risk they won’t get their preferred choice for the next day too. That is unthinkable to them so they generally play ball. The main Mel option is easily interchangeable eg pasta with tomato sauce or pasta with pesto. Sausages and potatoes wedges and peas or sausages and mash and peas. I have frozen mash in my freezer at all times and some other frozen potato to do this easily.

As hard as it is don’t freak out and show them how pissed you are. It hands them back too much control. Although I have been known to lie on my kitchen floor weeping when at one point i was throwing full plate after full plate of food into the bin or at the dog who ended up on a strict diet it was so bad.

It sounds like you’re turning food into a huge deal within the house, begging them to eat chocolate and ‘trying hard’ not to give in to screaming for crisps etc. It all sounds really over the top.

I would present them three meals a day plus two simple snacks - fruit/veg/rice cakes etc rather than crisps and chocolate and jelly. If they eat it they eat it. If they don’t I’d throw it in the bin. The end. If they scream and cry for crisps I’d say once ‘there are no crisps in the house so you can’t have any. Snack time is soon’ then ignore entirely.

Adding this much pressure to food is going to cause these issues. They know food is a big deal and is leading to you begging them to eat chocolate and fussing over them. I’d remove all that pressure.

What milk are you putting on the cereal? A lot of people now buy semi skimmed as a default. For that age, with no weight issues, I’d have them on full fat.

I also thinks there’s too much choice. Why a sandwich and a sausage roll? Totally unnecessary. Aside from some children being overwhelmed by choice (not all) I think it sets up the illusion that they have lots of choices. So when you offer a sandwich, why would they demand sausage roll. Like your breakfast list… rejected cereal shouldn’t lead to a pancake!

When the waffle was requested later, why wasn’t the pancake, reheated, offered?

I don’t think you have genuinely restrictive eaters. I think you’ve got kids who know there are a thousand options to mither for!

Waffles and pancakes would potentially be off the table for me too - if they’re packet ones. Too much sugar.

Bring the options right down, don’t have crisps and biscuits in the house, don’t fall for the marketing that a packaged cereal bar is healthy, and STICK to your strategy.

Revisit everything you give them and think about how filling it is, not only healthy. You say a sandwich… is that white bread with a tiny slice of wafer ham, or wheat & white with a good portion of cheese? (I keep saying wheat & white as I know some kids run a mile at more obvious wholemeal or seeded choices!)

Just to answer a few questions, no I'm not one of those households that thinks they have to have a desert after dinner, it was more of a bribe to get them to eat
I prefer to know they have something in their bellies

I don't snack but I don't have 3 meals either (no time for that) I have breakfast and very occasionally lunch so they see me sitting at the table

I was forced as a child to eat things like roast beef, massive portions of veg. I was screamed at to not leave the table which I'm all in favour of completely avoiding with my children! They definitely aren't forced to sit there at all.

5y.o came home with a lunch able after her Hosp appointment, just noticed it all in the bin so she's had nothing since breakfast which was a few bits.

I need to break this cycle I just don't know how. I'm feeling very overwhelmed by everything. The easter holidays have taken away any last bit of sanity I had. All they do is whinge and fight, I'm fed up

Family style meals work well in our house.

Breakfast - bowl of chopped fruit, few tuns of yoghurt, slices of plain toast and a couple of spreads. All in the middle, pick as much or as little as they like

Lunch - slice up a quiche, do a bowl of crudités, some hummus, maybe some slices of ham and a few slices of buttered bread. Let them choose from the middle what they put onto their plate.

Dinner - cooked chicken/beef, bowl of potatoes, bowls of two more veggies, jug if gravy. Again, let them pick what they put onto their plates.

All uneaten food from communal dishes can be covered and refrigerated for the next day.

At any point they are mentioning snacks, direct them to the fruit bowl (put mini cucumbers, unpeeled carrots and cherry tomatoes in it too).

Save snacks like crackers and cheese strings for picnics/packed lunches.

I also wouldn’t participate in the ‘one bite please eat one bite then dessert if you don’t eat you can’t have dessert blah blah blah.’ I’ve never done it and find it really unhelpful and a precursor to food issues. Just present the food and let them decide what they’re doing with it.