To ask how to get my children to eat properly

[TeddyisMydog]

Probably not an aibu but I'm in serious need of a change.

My children (the eldest is a good eater but the younger, 5y.o and 3y.o) are shockingly bad. For example this morning

Cereal : weetabix minis not eaten
Grapes, not eaten
Pancake not eaten
Then they'll cry and scream for crisps which I try hard not to give in to.
They had a jelly then a fibre one bar.
They then had a cheese string, a bag of mini cookies

5y.o is currently at a hospital appointment so lunch for the 3y.o
Sausage roll, sandwich, yoghurt, two jammy dodgers and a drink.

She poured the drink into the yoghurt, everything else was crumpled into bits.

I would put money on her asking for food within ten minutes.
I don't even bother making them a hot dinner anymore as they completely refuse it.

I've tried : shouting, not shouting, making us all eat together, making meals that they can pick at, I've tried buffet style, I've tried letting them eat it on the floor, letting them eat it outside, telling them they won't get a desert, giving in and saying "one bite and you get a desert!" I've even let them have dinner in front of the TV. I've tried giving them a choice of what food to have and I've tried just picking their food and saying there is nothing else. Someone once suggested a snack box but they ate it within an hour and it was a long 4 hours of hearing them cry and whinge for something else.

They wake 3 maybe 4 times a night crying that they are hungry which hurts my heart. I don't usually give them anything so they have to wait until cereal which again goes un eaten.

I'm about to engage in a massive health kick as I am starting to feel very down about my weight and looking in the cupboard there is easily £12 worth of biscuits and crap, nothing filling.

My children don't eat any fruit or veg.
Food at nursery gets sent home so they don't eat there either.
At my lowest point I begged my elder to just eat some chocolate so there was something in her belly (that was the day she'd chosen to eat a cheese string all day)
They don't have birthday cakes either as it goes to waste (my daughter had one for her 4th and 5th birthday, pulled the icing off then binned it)
My 3 year old had one for her birthday last year and just mushed it.

I have a 4 month old baby and PND so please be kind in your replies, I am knackered to my core so I've let them get away with their eating habits, it's going to take all of my strength to change it but I need to do something, we waste so much food it's shocking.

Oh and don't talk to them about it. Just spoon stuff onto your own plate "let me know if you need help putting anything on your plate"

Then no one gets down from the table until you and dh have finished eating (or the dc if they are actually still eating).

One more thing - they refused cereal then pancakes for breakfast then you gave them cheese strings, cereal bars (full of sugar) and cookies. Then you were surprised they didn’t eat lunch. They refused a meal, were loaded up on junk food, then messed around with lunch. It’s hardly shocking. Instead of cookies and cereal bars, offer crackers and veg. Or just say ‘oh well it’s nearly lunch now.’

'tiny tastes' is good. Gentle, persistent encouragement to try things. They can eat a piece only teh size of a grain of rice, but htey need to try it.

It also helped that they were allowed a list of foods they don't eat, but it's limited to five foods. The underlying idea is instead of a rigid list of 'what I will eat' they start from the presumption that most foods are fine but they are allowed to veto a small amount of foods.

Raw veg before dinner when they're hungry.

Don't have junk food in the house.

Sorry just seen above

So the pancake was crushed into little bits and smeared into the table, there wasn't very much pancake to give back. That's the thing that usually happens, it ends up crushed (they do get sensory play so I'm not sure why they do this)

Bread is just normal white bread with butter and some cheese. They won't eat any ham or chicken slices in it.
Milk is full fat milk

A family member actually had my elder child for dinner last week. The FM couldn't believe how hard it was to get her to eat food! She made chicken nuggets, chips and beans and my child ate about 4 beans.

They don't eat at nursery either which is always just 1 choice of food so it can't be too much options? I'm not sure but I appreciate the advice.
I've struggled on for a long time so it might seem like common sense for some to just have 1 options but I just want them to eat

Genuinely the last time my children had a hot dinner was 2020. They just fight it so much, there really is no point

@Kanaloa

One more thing - they refused cereal then pancakes for breakfast then you gave them cheese strings, cereal bars (full of sugar) and cookies. Then you were surprised they didn’t eat lunch. They refused a meal, were loaded up on junk food, then messed around with lunch. It’s hardly shocking. Instead of cookies and cereal bars, offer crackers and veg. Or just say ‘oh well it’s nearly lunch now.’

Yes I realise that but can I just add, everything of what I give them is never eaten They either take a bite or bin it so they weren't filled up and as I explained my 5y. O was at the hospital so didn't have any extras and still didn't eat lunch

But I'm not giving in today, nothing until dinner now but I can put money on them not eating a drop

Also, food/eating can become a real source of tension and other issues can show up at mealtimes. Maybe worth looking overall at how your family and relationships are functioning. Are the kids in need of more control/autonomy/active listening?

I'd consider reading this book - 'simplicity parenting' or just taking onboard the general ideas (get rid of extra crap, cut down on unnecessary activities, spend more chilled down time together).

Lastly - water! Make sure they drink plenty. Exercise and fresh air.

You want people to be kind - and so we should be! - but I’m going to be blunt about this:

“I don't snack but I don't have 3 meals either (no time for that)”

This is bullshit.

If you have time to feed your children, you have time to feed yourself.

A shared tin of soup with buttered bread takes no longer to prepare for you as well, or without you. Ditto a nice buttery baked potato and low sugar beans, or tuna mayo.

If it’s time to sit down and eat, you do have it. There is nothing more important in that moment.

Don’t expect them not to see your own eating habits, and model them.

weightconcern.org.uk/node/304

info on 'tiny tastes'

Lots of articles on food/eating:

www.ahaparenting.com/guide/concern-eating-and-body-image

@TeddyisMydog this thread does clearly explain, from lots of posters, what you need to do.

You need to throw all the crap in the bin and start again.

It is not your children who are creating the food stress. You can change it

Also, and apologies for so many individual replies! - what support are you getting for your PND? What help are you getting? Do you have friends/family/HV who is there for you?

@Cocomarine

You want people to be kind - and so we should be! - but I’m going to be blunt about this:

“I don't snack but I don't have 3 meals either (no time for that)”

This is bullshit.

If you have time to feed your children, you have time to feed yourself.

A shared tin of soup with buttered bread takes no longer to prepare for you as well, or without you. Ditto a nice buttery baked potato and low sugar beans, or tuna mayo.

If it’s time to sit down and eat, you do have it. There is nothing more important in that moment.

Don’t expect them not to see your own eating habits, and model them.

Yes I realise how that sounded but I'm quite unhappy with my weight so a part of me is happy to skip meals. During the week they aren't here for lunch or dinner so it's only at the weekends really

“ They don't eat at nursery either which is always just 1 choice of food so it can't be too much options?”

Oh but it can! There might be only one option at nursery, but they know they can go through 10 options of odd bites or refusals at home. So why bother with the one option they don’t fancy?

Presumably at nursery they aren’t crying with hunger all afternoon? Have you asked?

You worry so much about them going hungry, getting something into them… but you’ve not mentioned any of them being underweight. So I think, you’re actually over estimating how much they need. It’s surprisingly variable between children!

OP are they a healthy weight?

If they've not had a proper meal since 2020, and they're healthy, they're getting nutrition from somewhere so you can't be doing that terribly!

There's so much fear in your posts about hunger, I presume that's from your own issues, but honestly - the sky will not fall in if they go to bed hungry. And they most likely pick up on your responses to know that saying they're hungry drives a particular response, no matter how hard you try. Food needs to become a neutral topic for them.

@DomesticatedZombie

Also, and apologies for so many individual replies! - what support are you getting for your PND? What help are you getting? Do you have friends/family/HV who is there for you?

Sorry I haven't replied individually

Not a lot of support to be honest. I was quite unwell with sepsis after I had my 4th, I didn't hold her for weeks which affected the bond.
I did get antidepressants but they just made me fantasise more about suicide.
I tried 3 different ones and they side effects were just getting worse.

I have no family and no friends. Its literally me, my other half and children which has been extremely hard.

@TeddyisMydog that’s more honest, you skip meals because you don’t like your weight, not because you don’t have time. And - I hear you on that!! It’s always better to be honest with yourself, around food and attitudes to it.

There’s some great advice here. I’d also suggest don’t have in the house the food you don’t want them to have.

Do you eat any meals together? I know it’s tricky when the children are little but it really does encourage good habits if you all eat the same meal sat down together. I used to make sure we did this at weekends even if we struggled to do it during the week.

Yes I realise how that sounded but I'm quite unhappy with my weight so a part of me is happy to skip meals. During the week they aren't here for lunch or dinner so it's only at the weekends really

But if they see YOU skipping meals, they'll start doing the same thing.

You need to model good eating habits for your children - they can't be expected to know any better unless you teach them.

The way I did it? A routine. Children sitting up to the table, with me. No nagging bribing or cajoling. Food put in front of them. After twenty minutes plates taken away, and food put in the bin (unless they're eating it, obviously)
No snacks in between meals. If they say they're hungry "Well next time you'd better eat your dinner" and then harden your heart. If you give in, what are you teaching them?

Take away the choice.I would offer cereal and plain yoghurt with banana for breakfast.Granola another day.then buttered toast wholemeal another.Diluted pure juice or milk to drink.Forget processed foods in pastic wrapping.these foods are not healthy for anyone.Snack should be cheese with oatcake pieces of apple a few grapes and water to drink.Years ago no one ate snacks and had no issues.lunch at home can be a jacket potato with beans cheese etc.Keep it simple .Put the food out if they eat fine if not take it away,Try a picnic now the weather is good.Do not let young children throw away,mess about with food terrible behaviour.Sorry but you need to set rules,good luck.

Yes I realise how that sounded but I'm quite unhappy with my weight so a part of me is happy to skip meals.
During the week they aren't here for lunch or dinner so it's only at the weekends really
So during these times don’t skip meals. I know it’s easier said than done but you can do this OP. You’re stronger than you think.

@TeddyisMydog I think the most important thing you can do is to model healthy eating habits yourself. If you skip meals because you're concerned about your weight (which I'm sure you know is not a good way to go about losing weight) you can't be surprised when your kids follow suit and refuse meals.

Make simple healthy (ditch the white bread for a start) meals, and sit down and eat them with your kids. Don't make a fuss about it. Let them eat as much or as little as they want to.

You say no hot meals since 2020.
So no soup, no pasta, no baked potatoes? No mash? No rice? No beans on toast, scrambled egg on toast… All the cheap, filling, nutritious, easy options?!
And all things that are absolutely fine cold, too - so no problem if they piss about over it until it’s cold, or you come back to it later.

There’s nothing inherently more nutritious about a hot meal. I’m not remotely shocked at meals not being hot. But I am surprised that you’re denying yourself all those good and easy options.

The “problem” with cold food is that it does lend itself to becoming a “picky bits” smorgasbord, and that’s exactly how they’re reacting.

Stock your shelves with healthy yummy foods and snacks. Just stop buying and giving them all the junk. It's hard OP, good luck

I have no family and no friends. Its literally me, my other half and children which has been extremely hard.
Sorry if you’ve mentioned this already: is your OH supportive? What’s their relationship like with food and attitude towards the DCs eating?