To ask how to get my children to eat properly

[TeddyisMydog]

Probably not an aibu but I'm in serious need of a change.

My children (the eldest is a good eater but the younger, 5y.o and 3y.o) are shockingly bad. For example this morning

Cereal : weetabix minis not eaten
Grapes, not eaten
Pancake not eaten
Then they'll cry and scream for crisps which I try hard not to give in to.
They had a jelly then a fibre one bar.
They then had a cheese string, a bag of mini cookies

5y.o is currently at a hospital appointment so lunch for the 3y.o
Sausage roll, sandwich, yoghurt, two jammy dodgers and a drink.

She poured the drink into the yoghurt, everything else was crumpled into bits.

I would put money on her asking for food within ten minutes.
I don't even bother making them a hot dinner anymore as they completely refuse it.

I've tried : shouting, not shouting, making us all eat together, making meals that they can pick at, I've tried buffet style, I've tried letting them eat it on the floor, letting them eat it outside, telling them they won't get a desert, giving in and saying "one bite and you get a desert!" I've even let them have dinner in front of the TV. I've tried giving them a choice of what food to have and I've tried just picking their food and saying there is nothing else. Someone once suggested a snack box but they ate it within an hour and it was a long 4 hours of hearing them cry and whinge for something else.

They wake 3 maybe 4 times a night crying that they are hungry which hurts my heart. I don't usually give them anything so they have to wait until cereal which again goes un eaten.

I'm about to engage in a massive health kick as I am starting to feel very down about my weight and looking in the cupboard there is easily £12 worth of biscuits and crap, nothing filling.

My children don't eat any fruit or veg.
Food at nursery gets sent home so they don't eat there either.
At my lowest point I begged my elder to just eat some chocolate so there was something in her belly (that was the day she'd chosen to eat a cheese string all day)
They don't have birthday cakes either as it goes to waste (my daughter had one for her 4th and 5th birthday, pulled the icing off then binned it)
My 3 year old had one for her birthday last year and just mushed it.

I have a 4 month old baby and PND so please be kind in your replies, I am knackered to my core so I've let them get away with their eating habits, it's going to take all of my strength to change it but I need to do something, we waste so much food it's shocking.

“So the pancake was crushed into little bits and smeared into the table, there wasn't very much pancake to give back. That's the thing that usually happens, it ends up crushed (they do get sensory play so I'm not sure why they do this)“

Sensory play is totally unrelated. No 3yo reaches their quota of exploring texture because they’ve been playing earlier in the day!

But this behaviour can’t be allowed with food. Sit with them. If you know they’re hard to manage with a whole pancake give them a couple of bite size pieces and replenish as they eat. Or give them the whole and reach over to correct their behaviour. “Pancakes are for eating not smushing, and stay in your bowl thank you!”

Put it back in the bowl. Your table is clean, it can be re-served. In pieces is fine.

@Cocomarine

You say no hot meals since 2020. So no soup, no pasta, no baked potatoes? No mash? No rice? No beans on toast, scrambled egg on toast… All the cheap, filling, nutritious, easy options?! And all things that are absolutely fine cold, too - so no problem if they piss about over it until it’s cold, or you come back to it later.

There’s nothing inherently more nutritious about a hot meal. I’m not remotely shocked at meals not being hot. But I am surprised that you’re denying yourself all those good and easy options.

The “problem” with cold food is that it does lend itself to becoming a “picky bits” smorgasbord, and that’s exactly how they’re reacting.

No they wouldn't eat anything like that at all Soup, they play with (literally they rub it in the arms) They don't like potatoes or pasta, scrambled egg a complete no go Rice they gag on Been like this for years but I'm slowly noticing it get worse because they used to finish a bowl of cereal but now they don't

And if it’s those fluffy pre-bought thick pancakes - just no! Full of sugar.

Well ultimately what it comes down to is that they’ll eat before they starve. So stop giving options. Eventually, they’ll eat.

How are you managing their behaviour when they sit and rub food up their arms? A 5yo should have outgrown this stage a while back, barring any additional needs.

Does the 5yo attend school?

It's very difficult but the only things that worked for me was consistent routine and not giving in. My dd would skip food now if I let her, very bad relationship with food (autistic) but I held my ground and by 6 she did eat family meals fairly consistently.

I provided food then after an hour put it away, snack was at the time I already choose, never brought forward, ditto lunch and evening meal. For foods she got the same as her sister until 13 when she went veggie, and they could nominate 5 foods they disliked, that was as far as I went with being adaptable. I did mix it up, we ate lots of Mexican food they could put into wraps, Indian food they could wrap into chapattis, noodles ... both my kids liked spice young. We always ate together at 6.30 for evening meals

@TeddyisMydog

PLEASE, read/re-read the advice given by

@Hospedia Thu 14-Apr-22 13:35:48.

Try not to allow it to become a battle, all the best.

I can’t recommend Solid Starts enough (ignore the name). They are specialists in picky eating and employ world leading specialists in the area. Have a look at their Instagram at their ‘picky eating’ and ‘our story’ story reel.

They solved my daughters difficult eating completely.

Well ultimately what it comes down to is that they’ll eat before they starve. So stop giving options. Eventually, they’ll eat

This is awful advice, starving s child as part of a battle of wills is a surefire way to create lifelong food issues. There are much better ways of changing eating habits without resorting to this.

As an FYI, there are children who will starve themselves ragger than eat.

*rather

Rubbing the soup on the arms is likely the same as rubbing the pancake into the table - they do not see a meal time as a time for eating food, they see it as free play time.

Keep the soup portion small - it’s easy to top from a another bowl.

Any attempt at playing with the food, stop them. Tell them, “soup is not paint!” “Soup goes in mouths, not elbows, thank you!” - light stuff, no cross shouting. If they persist, a firm no. If they persist again, remove the bowl. Leave the (wholemeal!) bread and butter.

I think it's important to recognise children also have food or textures they dislike and try to accommodate that while keeping it healthy. We always tried to give ours a simple choice and it was really the same as what we were having with minor adjustments. We always sat down to eat at a table together. If they didn't eat the meal it was cleared away and they could have bread, cheese, olives and an apple instead, which remained on offer throughout the day. They had pudding, mainly fruit and yoghurt, once a day whether they had eaten or not.
If you can try to stick to a routine without the unhealthy snacks it should work out. See if you can interest them in cooking and making food, things like building a pizza from a small selection of toppings, choosing fruit and veg at the supermarket. Good luck!

@GiltEdges

Well ultimately what it comes down to is that they’ll eat before they starve. So stop giving options. Eventually, they’ll eat.

Not true.

Some children will starve themselves rather than eat what's on offer.

OP I don’t have any better advice on how to get your little ones to eat than other posters have already given you, but I just want to say take one day at a time and try to find a positive from each day. It won’t change overnight and don’t be disheartened. What you have going on in your world is really overwhelming, I can relate, but you are surviving and that in itself is a win. There is such great advice on here and please don’t take on any negativity from some of the posters. You are doing, and have done, what’s needed to get through each day and I hope it gets easier for you. You’ve stood up and asked for help, you’re stronger than you think x

@Hospedia

It sounds like it's all gotten rather fraught and is stressing you all out. DS sees a dietician for restrictive eating, their advice is:

• the main meal of the day (tea for us) should be two courses of a meal and a basic dessert with no strings attached to either and both served at the same time, they get one even if they haven't eaten the other. The idea is that they get enough calories across the two, it also takes away the power of dessert as a reward

• every meal should have at least 1-2 'safe' foods that you know they are usually guaranteed to eat. This might lead to some strange combinations (bolognese with every component in a separate bowl and a side of cucumber...) but means there shouldn't ever be 'nothing' to eat

• serve the meal, allow a set amount of time (30-40 minutes is more than enough for that age group) and then clear it away. If they haven't eat much, or anything at all, then try and stretch them to the next meal time. If the next meal time is a long time away (e.g., overnight to breakfast) or they seem particularly hungry then around an hour after the rejected meal offer a basic/plain snack such as cheese and crackers, veggie/fruit sticks, buttered toast, etc.

• don't beg, cajole, plead, or bargain. No "just taste it" or "one more bite". Offer the food without comment and take it away without comment

• don't use food as a reward, don't withhold or re-serve food as a punishment, don't use it as a distraction or a bribe, it's just food and it should have no emotional or behavioural ties attached to it

• get them involved in making food. Simple recipes like bun cakes, egg muffins, fruit salads, wraps, etc that can be as healthy as you want to make them and will hopefully encourage them to try the end results

This is really super advice and exactly what you'd get told if you ever got referred to a dietician.

Food is fuel. Not reward or punishment. Don't let this become an emotional battlefield.

I have autistic children with ARFID and the advice above works even in extreme cases. Just please do make sure there is always something safe to eat. And if they try something new, you can just say - I noticed you tried X, or something along those lines. Not exactly praise, but letting them know that you can tell they tried something new and you showed them positive attention in response.

Do your children have additional needs or disabilities? If not I think you need to set some boundaries around what they can and cannot do with their food because it sounds like their behaviour is not typical for their age. Food is for eating, it’s not for playing with. If they don’t want to eat their food then that’s fine but they shouldn’t be allowed to play with it, certainly not to the extent that they are rubbing soup on their arms or smushing pancakes into the table. If they are making such a purposeful mess with their food at 3 & 5 there should be some consequences, I would take the food away but also make them sit away from the table for a short time out if they are being really silly with it.

I also plan meals in advance for the week and write it on a whiteboard in the kitchen. I know your DC are too young to read, but you could do a menu with pictures so they know what's coming.

With my DS we put fruit and veg (all cut up on the table, and said he can eat what he wants through out the day (to start with their was a lot of waste till we figured out how much he would eat)
So he can eat as much fruit and veg that he wants
He has a 'snack cupboard' which he can pick his own snack (1 of) at snack times
He has his main breakfast/lunch and dinner, he picks what he wants
So the cereal is in the bottom of the snack cupboard we have 4 options and he just points to the one he wants
Lunch he normall says beans on toast (or he's at school)
Dinner is normally fishfingers / chicken nuggets ect ... but he eats fruit and veg through the day so I'm not too worried about that

My 3 year old is suddenly very keen on eating vegetables as she wants to grow big and strong like daddy. After each meal she’s had some nice veg I look at her legs and tell her she’s grown a little taller. That smile on her smile is priceless.

Hope you are ok .
So . Only buy the food you want them to eat.
Put out plates with choices on .( like a little buffet) disengage from worry about what they may or may not eat
. No power to them at all.
It will resolve x

And if they try something new, you can just say - I noticed you tried X, or something along those lines. Not exactly praise, but letting them know that you can tell they tried something new and you showed them positive attention in response

Yes! I do this

I'll go "I noticed you tried the carrots, what did you think of them?" and then DC will tell me they did or didn't like them. That then leads to a further conversation about whether they'd maybe like to try them again some day (always "maybe" and "some day" because it's vague and not pressured) or a "oh hey, you could help make them next time and then you can choose how they're chopped/cooked".

DC still has a limited diet and strict rituals around how food is prepared and presented/served but matters now are far better than they were at age 2-3.

What is your diet like honestly op?

Put food in front of child. Ignore all discussion and whining, and then remove it. Silently. Do not engage.

Stop buying cheese strings and jammy dodgers. Of course they're demanding these foods. They know you'll give in. Crisps are shockingly bad for children's teeth as it condenses in their molars, causing cavities. Don't have shit in the house and you can't give it to them.

Put lunch food down. They can eat it or not. Don't make a big deal of it. Remove.

Repeat.

The less theatre and Cheese strings you incorporate, the quicker the behaviour magically disappears.

Cook you try cooking with them, make pizzas, fruit salads, bake etc? Get a child's cook book.

@Heythere13

What is your diet like honestly op?

I mean, if this is a good day, I'd wager 'a bit shit'. She gives them diet bars and they 'cry with hunger', probably because she doesn't cook hot meals and there's nothing to eat but biscuits, cheese strings and crisps.

"...crisps, jelly, a fibre one bar, a cheese string, a bag of mini cookies, sausage roll, yoghurt, two jammy dodgers.

I don't even bother making them a hot dinner anymore as they completely refuse it.

They wake 3 maybe 4 times a night crying that they are hungry which hurts my heart.

My children don't eat any fruit or veg.

At my lowest point I begged my elder to just eat some chocolate."

I mean, just read that back OP. That's dreadful. Yes, life's hard, money, time, work, boo hoo - parenting means you prepare good nutritious meals for children, not chuck cheese strings and chocolate at them.