To ask how to get my children to eat properly

[TeddyisMydog]

Probably not an aibu but I'm in serious need of a change.

My children (the eldest is a good eater but the younger, 5y.o and 3y.o) are shockingly bad. For example this morning

Cereal : weetabix minis not eaten
Grapes, not eaten
Pancake not eaten
Then they'll cry and scream for crisps which I try hard not to give in to.
They had a jelly then a fibre one bar.
They then had a cheese string, a bag of mini cookies

5y.o is currently at a hospital appointment so lunch for the 3y.o
Sausage roll, sandwich, yoghurt, two jammy dodgers and a drink.

She poured the drink into the yoghurt, everything else was crumpled into bits.

I would put money on her asking for food within ten minutes.
I don't even bother making them a hot dinner anymore as they completely refuse it.

I've tried : shouting, not shouting, making us all eat together, making meals that they can pick at, I've tried buffet style, I've tried letting them eat it on the floor, letting them eat it outside, telling them they won't get a desert, giving in and saying "one bite and you get a desert!" I've even let them have dinner in front of the TV. I've tried giving them a choice of what food to have and I've tried just picking their food and saying there is nothing else. Someone once suggested a snack box but they ate it within an hour and it was a long 4 hours of hearing them cry and whinge for something else.

They wake 3 maybe 4 times a night crying that they are hungry which hurts my heart. I don't usually give them anything so they have to wait until cereal which again goes un eaten.

I'm about to engage in a massive health kick as I am starting to feel very down about my weight and looking in the cupboard there is easily £12 worth of biscuits and crap, nothing filling.

My children don't eat any fruit or veg.
Food at nursery gets sent home so they don't eat there either.
At my lowest point I begged my elder to just eat some chocolate so there was something in her belly (that was the day she'd chosen to eat a cheese string all day)
They don't have birthday cakes either as it goes to waste (my daughter had one for her 4th and 5th birthday, pulled the icing off then binned it)
My 3 year old had one for her birthday last year and just mushed it.

I have a 4 month old baby and PND so please be kind in your replies, I am knackered to my core so I've let them get away with their eating habits, it's going to take all of my strength to change it but I need to do something, we waste so much food it's shocking.

They’re on a massive power kick.
Children have little they can control, they can do this. Plate up, no snacks, ignore.
They’ll reset in days.

@TeddyisMydog

My diet is fine I'd say

I have cereal in the morning, for lunch I'd have a sandwich but it's not very often I eat lunch. I don't have any dinner
For snacks today I've had a fibre one bar and a protein shake

I know I need a wake up call but as I say it has gone on for too long it is going to be hard to break, but I want and need to do this. Comments like yours really don't help my already fragile mind so if you aren't going to be kind, please don't comment

I mean this kindly. But you’re complaining that all they eat is cereal and snacks. Look at your diet: it’s cereal and snacks. You need to model that eating three meals a day is important

İ second the pp who says it doesn't matter if they don't have a lot of variety. I grew up with parents on a tight budget and most of our food was very repetitive and samey every day, but balanced. As soon as I got to my teens and went to friends' houses and had my own money to buy food, I started trying everything and ended up eating everything under the sun.

Also OP, don't let them mush their food up. İf you sit with them whilst they eat stop them before they even get a chance to put their hands in the food. Get them to use cutlery and tell them they can only touch the food with the cutlery. İf they mess around, take the food away from them before it can get spoiled. Keep giving it back to them until they stop playing with it. İnstead of rewarding food with an edible treat, make a special game that you only play after meals if they eat at a few big mouthfuls of each food on their plate.

Yes re the drinks, I do have diluting juice in the house but it's not very often they get it. Maybe once a week at the weekend, embarrassingly I realise how addictive it can be and also not good for their teeth but that doesn't really stack up against everything else I've said so I definitely have my priorities wrong!

Tonight for dinner is a sausage, bacon pasta bake. I am also making up side bowls of carrots, sweetcorn and peas
Does this sound OK? Probably not the healthiest but it'll be the first time we've all sat down together in years

@Thewheelsfalloffthebus like your advice!

Do not buy the crisps, snacks, empty calorie stuff. Better for them and will save you money too. Get them cooking with you, trying the raw veg etc. It's tough but you'll get there.

Oh bless you it’s so hard having fussy eaters isn’t it. I thought my DD1 was fussy but my DD2 is even worse!! She is 5 and is slowly starting to get better. Things she will eat and has on repeat day in day out are dry plain pasta, cold mini kids pizza, boiled egg white and bread and butter. She will luckily eat cucumber, tomatoes, apples, bananas, satsumas and blueberries so she has these every day. If she could eat chocolate and crisps all day and nothing else she would happily. She has a multi vitamin every day and still drinks milk from a bottle every morning and after dinner (she won’t drink it out of a cup and we figure she needs it as she won’t eat much other protein!) She’s just started to like little cubes of cheese and will have a cheese sandwich in the last few days. Occasionally she’ll see what we’re eating and want to try a bit so that’s encouraging! We don’t make mealtimes a battle at all. We put her food on the table with bits she likes and she she will pick at it for about 30Secs and then run around the table we eat. We just let it go. I’m not sure if we’re handling it right but she seems heathy and happy and that’s good enough.

@Confrontayshunme

I have a friend who struggled with this and they went to an incredibly simple, boring diet for the whole family on a dietician's advice. They had 8 pictures of food two per meal plus a snack. Breakfast was a choice of banana or strawberry on porridge or shredded wheat. Lunch was a choice of ham and cream cheese wholemeal sandwich or low sugar/salt beans on jacket potato. Dinner was pasta bolognese with pureed carrot onion and lean mince or veggie sausages, mash and peas. Drinks choice was milk or water. The kids chose what they wanted for each meal then the parents put it in front of them, sitting to eat with them at the table and chatting about anything other than food. Then the plates went away when a timer of 20 minutes went off and they all got up. If any food was left, it was replated the next time someone chose that food. After a month, all their taste buds were recalibrated to enjoy those foods (and added fruits as well). They then added one new choice to each meal every month until now they have a simple rotation of easy to prep mostly plant based healthy meals, and they have all lost weight and eat so much better.

İ love this, I'm going to try it! I'm also happy to have repetitive food for a while if it keeps the budget down. I think giving the time for the taste buds to change is a huge part of it all!

Sound perfect!

When I was your kid’s age I wasn’t picky at all — I ate everything my mum put on my plate: meat, potatoes, and all the veggies: tomatoes, green beans, onions, asparagus, broccoli, etc, etc, etc.

There was only a single thing I simply couldn’t stomach: butter beans — Mum would make me sit at the table for literally hours until I finished them off.

My dad would come along and throw them out behind Mum’s back — otherwise, I’m sure I’d still be sitting at the dinner table all these decades later.

There’s a line between making your children eating a healthy, nourishing meal and ridiculousness.
Don’t be that mean, ridiculous mum.

The good news, is that nothing you’ve said screams that the kids have sensory issues with food. They’ll eat a variety of textures.

You are completely overwhelmed 4 kids under 8 and one a newborn - you must be on your knees

So you have to keep it simple.

I love the ideas about cooking with the kids, but be honest with yourself, if you can’t face that yet, with 4 around you in the Easter holidays - then don’t.

If you’re too exhausted to cook from scratch - don’t. You can make healthy enough meals without doing so.

I said it before - do not be afraid to repeat meals. If everything is hard, don’t make it harder. Wholemeal toast every morning for a week with a choice of butter or peanut butter, is fine. It might even be a good thing, for them to get used to the fact there aren’t endless choices.

You’ve had some great advice then about presenting it unemotionally. If they eat one bite: fine. You can even slice up one piece in the centre and let them pick from it. Quick to do a second slice. You have a full slice, of the same thing.

Just a question, the way you say one bite and bin it… does sound like they’re binning it themselves? I wouldn’t allow that. If you have food, you stay at the table, and anything uneaten stays on the plate for mummy to clear. They don’t get to decide they’re just binning it.

Yes, your dinner sounds great, so pleased you are starting today.

Will you serve family style, I.e. pop it in the middle and just serve a little at a time? This strategy really helps lower the stress for all. And will you all be sitting down together so you and DP just eat normally and say mmmmm, and help yourself to some more,

Everything Hospedia said.

Stop buying crisps and biscuits and any other stuff you think they are craving or you don't want them eating.

Eat only at set times. Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner.

Make sure they drink water and milk, no sugary drinks or juice.

You're going to have to ignore the whining. Try to distract them with activities.

If there's no improvement in about six weeks, talk to your GP and do. It get fobbed off by statements to the effect that children will never starve themselves. Some children have problems with eating and need professional help.

Are your DCs underweight? From your posts, it sounds like they should be but if they aren't then you're maybe underestimating what they actually eat in a day.

Practical suggestions for getting them to eat: cut food into funny shapes, pictures, etc - I used to make pancake rabbits, apples as flowers (not elaborate food displays - just chop into a rough outline). Then the DC could either guess what it was meant to be or they'd just be attracted to eat it because it looked pretty/interesting.

You have two competing issues and that's why you're getting a mix of advice here. Do you want your DCs to eat? Or do you care about the what/where/when/why of their eating? If it's just about getting food into them, then I'd leave healthy food lying on an easy to reach table all the time. Let them pick whenever they feel like it. Not all DCs respond well to 3 set meals. Some eat better with five little snack options.

If it's about them eating set meals at the table now then you just need to keep trying different types of food - spicy food; bland food; different textures; different colours (and the DCs who prefer 5 snacks, will learn to sit at a table in time so don't stress too much about it). In the meantime, make sure they're getting a multi-vitamin too.

When you implement changes about meals, you need to include yourself in them. So start thinking of what you and your kids will eat, and expand from there. You all eat cheese sandwiches? Great, dinner is a cheese sandwich each followed by a slice of cut up apple and peanut butter to try. You could try toasted cheese sandwiches next time.
Everyone likes pizza? Great, have pizza and all try some crunchy cucumber slices with it. Add vinegrette is the sour vinegar was a hit. - you can do it as a sauce to dip into rather than pouring it over.
Everyone likes rice pudding? Great, that’s dessert. Try some different jam on a teaspoon to dot in as a new taste.
Everyone likes toast and jam? That’s breakfast. Or dinner on a Wednesday because Wednesday’s are hard. Peel one small banana and try a slice each with the toast.
Once you get into tasting new fruit and veg, let the kids choose one thing each at the supermarket (give a budget if need be, or give a choice between 2 acceptable options. Shall we try cherry tomatoes or celery this week? A parsnip or a sweet potato? Frozen peas or frozen green beans? Tinned sweetcorn or tinned chickpeas?)

You are completely overwhelmed 4 kids under 8 and one a newborn - you must be on your knees

Well, and completely malnourished yourself, if the eating habits you describe are regular/long-term - which isn't going to give you the energy to be firm and consistent either.

Tonight for dinner is a sausage, bacon pasta bake. I am also making up side bowls of carrots, sweetcorn and peas. Does this sound OK?

Sounds lovely!

Lay the table nicely - they can help.

Let them help themselves from serving dishes/bowls, or if they're very little, ask very precisely how much they want and follow their instructions to the letter. If they say one piece of carrot, just give them one piece.

Eat and visibly enjoy the food yourself - oooh, this is nice! Yummy!

They might play with it - take it away.

They might cry - just say, this is for tea, there's nothing else.

They might whine afterwards - just say, you didn't eat all your tea, but there's some left, do you want that? There's nothing else.

@Fluffruff

So in your kids case, you could put out buttered toast and some chopped fruit or a yoghurt, for breakfast. If they choose not to eat anything that is their choice.

I have seen this before. What happens if they choose not to eat it repeatedly....like not eating for 24 hours? 48 hours?

Dinner tonight sounds fantastic! If it doesn’t go well, consider breaking it down into parts next time. So do the pasta plain and serve with the cooked bacon and sausages next to it. 3 veg options is amazing.
It doesn’t matter if they don’t eat all of it, or most of it. It doesn’t matter if they play the sweetcorn and don’t put any in their mouths yet. Don’t write it off completely as things they don’t like if they don’t eat them to to tonight. Keep the portions on their plates small and give more of anything they eat and want more of!

@TeddyisMydog

Yes re the drinks, I do have diluting juice in the house but it's not very often they get it. Maybe once a week at the weekend, embarrassingly I realise how addictive it can be and also not good for their teeth but that doesn't really stack up against everything else I've said so I definitely have my priorities wrong!

Tonight for dinner is a sausage, bacon pasta bake. I am also making up side bowls of carrots, sweetcorn and peas
Does this sound OK? Probably not the healthiest but it'll be the first time we've all sat down together in years

That sounds like a great start. But please remember, your goal tonight isn’t the children eating! For tonight to be a success you need to:

• go through with your decision
• all sit dusk together

That’s it!

If someone has a tantrum about the food, no-one eats it but you, and you find sausage in an 3yo armpit… no matter!

Do not give up if that happens. Be pleased that you started. Do not focus on actual food consumption as the measure of success tonight!

I would give very small portions (to avoid mess) with the rest in the table. I’d offer only buttered toast to anyone claiming hunger later - after first offering, unemotionally, the leftovers.

I would divert any playing with food lightheartedly, but firmly.

I wouldn’t routinely offer dessert.

Go into this expecting the run around - so don’t be dispirited by it!

Today is a great start.Havng 4 children is very very hard and one a baby.Is there anyway you can get some help with the children especially in the holidays,maybe a student who is studying child care who could occupy the children outside if possible whilst you feed the baby,help prepare food and sit and eat together.The children need exercise in all weathers.Take healthy sandwiches and fruit and you all eat it.I suggest you start taking good quality vitamins and minerals as you have been eating such a poor diet for so long.You must be so tired.Good luck.

@TeddyisMydog

Yes re the drinks, I do have diluting juice in the house but it's not very often they get it. Maybe once a week at the weekend, embarrassingly I realise how addictive it can be and also not good for their teeth but that doesn't really stack up against everything else I've said so I definitely have my priorities wrong!

Tonight for dinner is a sausage, bacon pasta bake. I am also making up side bowls of carrots, sweetcorn and peas
Does this sound OK? Probably not the healthiest but it'll be the first time we've all sat down together in years

@TeddyisMydog yes this sounds amazing. Use the variety of veg to get them to have a choice. Put each veg into a different bowl and get a serving spoon out (dessert spoon is fine!). Tell them to choose the one vegetable they like the best look of (get the oldest to go first so the youngest will copy) and tell them to spoon how much they want onto their plate or bowl. Don't make them try the other veggies unless they ask to and then just give them a little bit. I would then only put a bit of pie on the plate next to them. Another thing is get them exciting plates that they all love. Another suggestion is to teach your five year old DD about the importance of veg and other foods for growing and that you need her help in being an example for making her younger DD eat her vegetables!

@Cocomarine

You say no hot meals since 2020. So no soup, no pasta, no baked potatoes? No mash? No rice? No beans on toast, scrambled egg on toast… All the cheap, filling, nutritious, easy options?! And all things that are absolutely fine cold, too - so no problem if they piss about over it until it’s cold, or you come back to it later.

There’s nothing inherently more nutritious about a hot meal. I’m not remotely shocked at meals not being hot. But I am surprised that you’re denying yourself all those good and easy options.

The “problem” with cold food is that it does lend itself to becoming a “picky bits” smorgasbord, and that’s exactly how they’re reacting.

My 2 1/2 year old twins wouldn’t eat most of that stuff either. They’ve recently started eating a fried egg but won’t touch scrambled (never have, had always been spat out). They’ll won’t eat baked, roast or mashed potatoes and only boiled on a good day; rice only if it’s fried rice from a takeaway place - I’ve tried making my own, they spit it out; beans are another thing they’ve just recently started and will eat 1-2 only. Like the OP, other foods I offer get played with and dropped on the floor. They wouldn’t eat a ‘meat, potatoes, veg’ meal either and, while I can sometimes get some pasta in them, I might also find they won’t eat it the next 3-4 times they’re offered it.

Having children who refuse to eat the food put in front of them - and it’s the same food as DH and I are having - is demoralising. One will eat a couple of tomatoes, and a few fruit & veg, the other won’t eat any fruit or veg. Both are small for their age and both have dropped centiles since infancy. We are waiting for referrals to the hospital to become appointments - and are still waiting for a follow up appointment that was supposed to be in January 2021.

OP, it sounds as though food has become an emotional battleground. I have some similar experience and this is what worked for DD, who almost stopped eating completely at 3.

Stop talking about food. Don't encourage your child to eat, don't congratulate them for eating, don't cajole them, try not to talk about food or meals at all. Your aim is to remove any kind of emotional association with eating. Definitely no treats or rewards for eating.

Eat together as a family and have fun, be silly chat etc. But see rule one, no talking about eating. Don't fret about manners at all. I found this really hard, was brought up with very strict table manners.

Serve all food family style. We tried to always have one thing we knew would be eaten (for us it was plain boiled rice), but everything else gets put in bowls, children can serve themselves from a really young age.

Try not to think of food as good or bad, it's food. Obviously nutrition is important, but that can come later. At this point we were just aiming for calorie consumption.

We did this, and then after a few days were able to massively cut back on snacking. It was so hard not to congratulate DD when she ate tiny mouthfuls of new food, but it really worked. I don't think we had appreciated how high pressure mealtimes had become. We sat for a couple of meals where she only are a couple of mouthfuls and wandered off, but we stayed and chatted, and persevered for a few days and it worked.

It's awful though, and you have my sympathy.