To ask how to get my children to eat properly

[TeddyisMydog]

Probably not an aibu but I'm in serious need of a change.

My children (the eldest is a good eater but the younger, 5y.o and 3y.o) are shockingly bad. For example this morning

Cereal : weetabix minis not eaten
Grapes, not eaten
Pancake not eaten
Then they'll cry and scream for crisps which I try hard not to give in to.
They had a jelly then a fibre one bar.
They then had a cheese string, a bag of mini cookies

5y.o is currently at a hospital appointment so lunch for the 3y.o
Sausage roll, sandwich, yoghurt, two jammy dodgers and a drink.

She poured the drink into the yoghurt, everything else was crumpled into bits.

I would put money on her asking for food within ten minutes.
I don't even bother making them a hot dinner anymore as they completely refuse it.

I've tried : shouting, not shouting, making us all eat together, making meals that they can pick at, I've tried buffet style, I've tried letting them eat it on the floor, letting them eat it outside, telling them they won't get a desert, giving in and saying "one bite and you get a desert!" I've even let them have dinner in front of the TV. I've tried giving them a choice of what food to have and I've tried just picking their food and saying there is nothing else. Someone once suggested a snack box but they ate it within an hour and it was a long 4 hours of hearing them cry and whinge for something else.

They wake 3 maybe 4 times a night crying that they are hungry which hurts my heart. I don't usually give them anything so they have to wait until cereal which again goes un eaten.

I'm about to engage in a massive health kick as I am starting to feel very down about my weight and looking in the cupboard there is easily £12 worth of biscuits and crap, nothing filling.

My children don't eat any fruit or veg.
Food at nursery gets sent home so they don't eat there either.
At my lowest point I begged my elder to just eat some chocolate so there was something in her belly (that was the day she'd chosen to eat a cheese string all day)
They don't have birthday cakes either as it goes to waste (my daughter had one for her 4th and 5th birthday, pulled the icing off then binned it)
My 3 year old had one for her birthday last year and just mushed it.

I have a 4 month old baby and PND so please be kind in your replies, I am knackered to my core so I've let them get away with their eating habits, it's going to take all of my strength to change it but I need to do something, we waste so much food it's shocking.

Stop buying all the processed stuff

And start switching to healthier food

Op

Irrespective of your aversion to veg
You absolutely MUST stop that cycle continuing with your children

I think you need dietary support to educate yourself

I suggest going to GP and asking for support

I don't know if this is too late for you op but I was given this advice by a dear friend who started her family 5 years before me. She was also the dd of a GP and a paediatrician. We are early 60s now and our children are grown up so the advice may be very out of date.

All meals eaten at the table as a family wherever possible. We never managed this three times a day but meals were at the table and everyone had the same.

Hands washed before every meal/snack.

10 to 15 minutes at the table is long enough for any child under 7. If the meal uneaten after that "OK off you go and play". But nothing else given until the next meal/snack time.

A treat after dinner every day providing behaviour has been good. (2 squares of chocolate; 4 sweets; 8 chocolate buttons).

Drinks: milk or water and occasionally some diluted juice or very dilute squash.

7.30ish Breakfast: egg on toast, Yoghurt and fruit, cereal and toast, etc.

10.30ish: snack: fruit; cheese cubes; slice of ham; raw carrot cu, toms etc; very occasionally a biscuit.

Lunch: soup and French bread; toastie; ham, cheese, crackers, cherry toms, cucumber; small baked potato and tuna or cheese with Tom and cucumber; toast and scrambled egg; sandwich with toms, cu, Carrots, etc. Followed by fruit: grapes, strawberries, satsuma, half an apple, half a peach, etc.

Snack: 3.30ish milk and biscuit or fruit.

Dinner: usually what we had: cottage pie with veg, spag bol, macaroni cheese, burgers, sausages, pizza, lamb chops, salmon fillets, fish pie, etc, always with veg or salad.

Before bed: milk if wanted.

Obviously all small portions above.

I followed the above and mealtimes were never a battle field and mine were good eaters although not without their quirks: ds dislikes mashed potatoes, mousse, cheesecake, dried fruit and things like fruit cake/buns/ scones etc. DD didn't like "wet" food as a littlie but would always eat a lamb chop or plaice fillet with vegetables and if we were having casserole, I'd just give her a chop or make her a burger if we were having spag bol or chilli, etc. She expanded to wet food with white/pale sauces and then to gravy and casseroles. She doesn't like cooked tomato hence the aversion to spag bol, my cottage pie, pizza etc.

@TeddyisMydog

No I don't eat any veg. I had a childhood of being forced to eat veg, crying through every mouthful that it felt great not to have to buy any when I got my own house and did my own shopping. Obviously I am well aware that isn't a very healthy thing in itself, I would eat carrots or sweetcorn but I just don't.

My partner is actually a big gym goer so for his dinner he has lots of chicken or beef, lamb, side of veg or rice.

You said your diet is fine but it is clearly not fine!

There are so many issues in here, there is really no point unless the OP acknowledges that the issues come from them and they need to address that.

I am trying to address them, I said my diet was fine when I should not have said that but I'm being whinged at for cereal, trying to feed baby and type and think about what I'm replying so I said fine but I didn't mean fine.

I want to change things and I need to. I am very overwhelmed and it's extremely hard to see the wood from the trees.

@TeddyisMydog

No I don't eat any veg. I had a childhood of being forced to eat veg, crying through every mouthful that it felt great not to have to buy any when I got my own house and did my own shopping. Obviously I am well aware that isn't a very healthy thing in itself, I would eat carrots or sweetcorn but I just don't.

My partner is actually a big gym goer so for his dinner he has lots of chicken or beef, lamb, side of veg or rice.

Can you eat veg in things? So make a pasta sauce with veg all blended up

Do I love veg? Nope. I mean if I only ate what I loved I would be living off pizza and cake but there's a difference between tolerating something and hating it. I don't love salad or peppers or tomatoes or mushrooms but I eat them all because my body needs them

You need to put better fuel in your body and a lot of that is fruit and veg and protein, eat for the nutrients that it gives you. Add a multi vitamin for you and the kids to cover gaps

Been thinking some more about this OP-
What about if your children like processed muffins from shop- can you make some from scratch? What mummy makes books have some excellent low sugar, fruit inside recipes. Then from there go to say a raisin and carrot muffin then to a savoury muffin. Little steps at a time. If they are used to eating shop bought things get rid of them, make your own of the same kind, then graduate to healthier ones. The kids can help

Oh and cheap staple foods are not necessarily worse for you than expensive super foods.
Apples, oranges and bananas are just as good an option as mangoes and spirulina. Quinoa is not vastly superior to potatoes. Tinned salmon and smoked salmon are both salmon.

@TeddyisMydog

I am trying to address them, I said my diet was fine when I should not have said that but I'm being whinged at for cereal, trying to feed baby and type and think about what I'm replying so I said fine but I didn't mean fine.

I want to change things and I need to. I am very overwhelmed and it's extremely hard to see the wood from the trees.

Say exactly that to your GP

You have the motivation
You WANT to stop this cycle
But you need support

You really need a different set up regarding food. At the moment it seems like a battle, with you trying various methods.

Don't buy the crisps and snacks. If they're not there the children can't have them.

Prepare healthy meals, (the poster Bernadette has good ideas) and get on with your own meal. If they eat, they eat, if they don't, they don't.
Just remove the plate until the next meal is due. You need to get a bit tougher, and stop giving snacks just so that they will eat something. If they are filling up on snacks they will find it much easier to resist the meals.

You will get crying and a lot of hassle, but stick with it. Be calm, don't make it into a fight. It will take time, but when they learn that they can't influence you, things should improve.

I have a big aversion to most foods right now, I don't know what's happened to me but I really can't eat any more than what I've listed otherwise I'll end up being sick. I am going to attempt dinner with my children tonight

I offer my son 2 choices - both of which entirely suit me - but he doesn't know that.

Like i ask him, 'would you like a big splash or small splash of milk?'

Either way, he has milk with his cereal.

As a PP said, little kids like to feel in control, as much as the rest of us.

At that age with my DC they had only ever had crisps at someone else’s house. It wouldn’t occur to them that we would have chocolate or crisps readily available. They did get chocolate at Easter.

They can only demand what you usually give them. If you give them oven chips or a jacket potato or broccoli or salmon or rice or pineapple then That’s what they’ll demand. If you eat crap; they’ll eat crap. Not rocket science. They will eat when they’re hungry. Have grapes and watermelon and tangerines and cashew nuts i a bowl for them to grab.

Ok, OP. What was veg like as a kid and why did you hate it? Texture? Taste? Just the whole battle with your parents part?
Make it a thing you do with your kids to try one ´new’ vegetable or new way of eating a vegetable every week. None of you have to finish any quantity of it. You just have to try it. Try cooking or preparing it in different ways.
Have you or your kids tried carrots raw in sticks? Nope? Try it, try it plain and with something to dip it in, I like houmous and yogurt dip but it can be ketchup if they like ketchup.
Do you like salt and vinegar crisps? If you do, you like sour tastes. Try grated raw carrot with a vinegrette sauce (vinegar mixed with oil. I like balsamic vinegar and olive oil with mustard but you can do any kind of vinegar and oil).
Do you and your kids like salty food? Have you ever tried broccoli stir fried with soy sauce and honey? It’s still slightly crunchy and very different to boiled broccoli.
Do you like maccaroni and cheese? Try adding a vegetable. The classic one is cauliflower but it’s quite bitter so maybe start with peas.
Have you ever tried apple slices with peanut butter? If your kids like peanut butter, buy one apple slice it up, add some peanut butter and you can all have a taste.

Have you got a clock in your kitchen? I'm having this same issue and I think from reading through the ideas and my own experiences of what doesn't work, the plan is to give DD breakfast lunch and snack at set times (unless we are out of course), and if she refuses it then asks for specific snacks in between, I'll tell her she has to wait until the clock says xyz before she can have something. To cut down on wastage you can chop up and freeze uneaten banana pieces and save the meal for the next day. I.e. didn't eat lunch, it will be tomorrow's lunch. I'm finding DD is obsessed with only eating yoghurts so to stop her asking for them all the time and refusing other food, I'm going to give her a yoghurt with every meal and snack time.

Could you involve the kids in cooking/ baking? If you're also trying to do better diet for yourself, get rid of the junk food and don't buy more.

Also, try to break the cycle of not eating vegetables for your kids' sake. Hope your DP is helping you with all of this.

OP. DS2 was like this and I know how very stressful it can be.

I had little choice but to explain to him from a very early age what the point of food was. You eat it so you can grow big and strong and be healthy and fight illnesses so you get better, and so your tummy doesn;t hurt with hunger.

Then tell them about the different food groups and explain they need to have one of the first two at each meal and two or three of the last at each meal.

For energy you need carbs - bread, toast, crackers, pasta, cereal, rice.
For muscles and strength, good teeth and bones you need protein - fish, meat, cheese, humous, chicken, beans
For good brains, happy moods, fighting off colds etc you need fruit and veg.

Then I'd get DS to choose which from each food group he wanted. If he changed his mind at dinner time, I'd offer breadsticks or rice cakes, sliced cheese or peanut butter, and chopped up fruit or carrit sticks.

He also had abidec drops in his milk.

Try not to worry too much if they lack variety. If they end up eating something from each food group every day, and are getting enough calories, then if doesn't matter so much if they are super fussy.

Take the power struggle out of it. If they are hungry at night, just bring them some milk, crackers or bread and butter or peanut butter.

You can try making some very high calorie nutritious treats, like banana bread made with almond flour, butter and eggs, or flapjacks with finely chopped nuts and dried fruit in them.

DS turned out to have ASD, and a classic symptom is being so fussy they;d rather starve than eat most foods. It was a very long, slow porcess that drove me nuts, but he now eats very normally, with a big range of textures, flavours and lots of fruit and veg.

Are your children a healthy height & weight? If so, they must be getting enough nutrition from their food, and you are wrong to panic that there's nothing in their bellies.

When your children whine "I'm hungry" what they really mean is they fancy something nice to snack on. Change the unhealthy snacks for healthy ones. Eat together at the table. Don't beg/plead or offer alternatives. If they won't eat the food provided - fine, no comment, remove it. Ten minutes later "I'm hungry" - offer the uneaten food. Repeat.

Oh! You’re doing great on the drinks. As much water as they like plus some full fat milk is fantastic.

Home made smoothie for breakfast? My dc has one most mornings but would never eat the fruits/ yogurt if they were served separately! I add a bit of peanut butter for extra protein too

Do the kids see you partner eating? That will be helpful too if they see him eating meat/fish plus rice/veg. Good if he offers them a taste too.

I have a friend who struggled with this and they went to an incredibly simple, boring diet for the whole family on a dietician's advice. They had 8 pictures of food two per meal plus a snack. Breakfast was a choice of banana or strawberry on porridge or shredded wheat. Lunch was a choice of ham and cream cheese wholemeal sandwich or low sugar/salt beans on jacket potato. Dinner was pasta bolognese with pureed carrot onion and lean mince or veggie sausages, mash and peas. Drinks choice was milk or water. The kids chose what they wanted for each meal then the parents put it in front of them, sitting to eat with them at the table and chatting about anything other than food. Then the plates went away when a timer of 20 minutes went off and they all got up. If any food was left, it was replated the next time someone chose that food. After a month, all their taste buds were recalibrated to enjoy those foods (and added fruits as well). They then added one new choice to each meal every month until now they have a simple rotation of easy to prep mostly plant based healthy meals, and they have all lost weight and eat so much better.

@TeddyisMydog you sound sleep deprived and down. Don’t be hard on yourself. If things have slipped a bit it’s easy to see why.

I would only make any notable changes if you feel up to sticking to your guns. It’s going to be a bit of a battle and might be easier once they’re back at school so there’s less pressure on you.

Good luck!

How is the children's health? That's the most important thing - are they growing? Ok weight? Do they have any special needs?

If they are crying for snacks - offer them 2 or 3 options that you are happy for them to pick 1 from and that's it eg Apple, strawberries or carrot sticks. If they don't like it, fine. But they have options and they need to know they can't keep snacking on crap.

YOU NEED TO THROW THE CRAP AWAY.