To ask how to get my children to eat properly

[TeddyisMydog]

Probably not an aibu but I'm in serious need of a change.

My children (the eldest is a good eater but the younger, 5y.o and 3y.o) are shockingly bad. For example this morning

Cereal : weetabix minis not eaten
Grapes, not eaten
Pancake not eaten
Then they'll cry and scream for crisps which I try hard not to give in to.
They had a jelly then a fibre one bar.
They then had a cheese string, a bag of mini cookies

5y.o is currently at a hospital appointment so lunch for the 3y.o
Sausage roll, sandwich, yoghurt, two jammy dodgers and a drink.

She poured the drink into the yoghurt, everything else was crumpled into bits.

I would put money on her asking for food within ten minutes.
I don't even bother making them a hot dinner anymore as they completely refuse it.

I've tried : shouting, not shouting, making us all eat together, making meals that they can pick at, I've tried buffet style, I've tried letting them eat it on the floor, letting them eat it outside, telling them they won't get a desert, giving in and saying "one bite and you get a desert!" I've even let them have dinner in front of the TV. I've tried giving them a choice of what food to have and I've tried just picking their food and saying there is nothing else. Someone once suggested a snack box but they ate it within an hour and it was a long 4 hours of hearing them cry and whinge for something else.

They wake 3 maybe 4 times a night crying that they are hungry which hurts my heart. I don't usually give them anything so they have to wait until cereal which again goes un eaten.

I'm about to engage in a massive health kick as I am starting to feel very down about my weight and looking in the cupboard there is easily £12 worth of biscuits and crap, nothing filling.

My children don't eat any fruit or veg.
Food at nursery gets sent home so they don't eat there either.
At my lowest point I begged my elder to just eat some chocolate so there was something in her belly (that was the day she'd chosen to eat a cheese string all day)
They don't have birthday cakes either as it goes to waste (my daughter had one for her 4th and 5th birthday, pulled the icing off then binned it)
My 3 year old had one for her birthday last year and just mushed it.

I have a 4 month old baby and PND so please be kind in your replies, I am knackered to my core so I've let them get away with their eating habits, it's going to take all of my strength to change it but I need to do something, we waste so much food it's shocking.

@Briony123 that’s an excellent idea that no-one thought of already on a 10 page thread 🤣

@TeddyisMydog you're doing so well! Lovely to see someone asking for advice then trying to follow it!

Fruit snack looks great! Cutting up the fruit like that always makes it more appealing. It’s likely to be less wasteful too if they don’t like it - one banana, one apple between 3 and add more if they eat it all rather giving a while banana or whole apple each.
Don’t worry about this morning not being perfect. It’s going to take a while to sort out everyone’s eating habits.
Waffles are still food. They’re not an ideal balance of macronutrients but they are not devoid of nutrition either. Everyone needs calories! It’ll be cheaper if you get them onto toast instead and probably less sugary depending on toppings. But that doesn’t need to be an overnight thing. And if they had sugary waffle every morning for breakfast but no sweetened desserts and no biscuits throughout the day and overall good servings of vegetables, fats, carbs and protein then that could still be a perfectly well balanced diet.
Choices are good but make it easier for yourself. So dinner could be chicken strips and rice and sweetcorn and/or peas. Don’t worry if one only eats rice and one only eats the chicken and 3 peas. It’s all food, it’s all nutrition. When you find a cheap relatively nutritious thing they will eat, use it as a regular option on days where they don’t seem to be eating much. - so if lunch wasn’t a hit and they often eat banana or toast and butter, offer those as the options for their afternoon snack. If lunch was a hit, at dinner time or snacktime consider trying out something new to them/something previously rejected that you’d like to retry (frozen green beans, raw broccoli, tinned tuna, tinned chickpeas, omelette).

Stop having crisps in completely (also no adult crisps)
Make a song and dance on the last one (oh no last one)

When out, if they cry, buy one, let them eat it there

Try not to bribe or barter (it is hard)

Try to set the first new meal after running about. Make it extra tasty. (Think 3 min broccoli, proper mash, moist not over cooked chicken)

Get pouches of tasty healthy meals

Have the children cook with you (Think fresh home made pizza)

OP you are doing great!!! There may be setbacks but just keep on the way you are. Small changes, step by step they will work

Bravo 👏🏻

Three meals a day with pudding. Two snacks and also supper if they like it.

At least two things on the plate they like, one extra optional to try. No pressure to eat if they don't want to. If they don't eat fine. Leave food out a bit after they finished in case they go back to it.

Nutrition- multi vitamins, fruit smoothies/ice lollies. Blend veg into gravy's/sauces . Do baking with fruit added. Milkshakes

My son was horrendous and would often refuse everything. I still cooked him meals. He went to nursery 2 days a week and ate sometimes there - other times they filled him.up with breadsticks! He is now 7 and school was a turning point! Last night we went out for pizza and he tried some of his dad's which had harissa on it! It will get better xx

Both of my sons have been extremely fussy eaters. As babies they both ate well but when my eldest had chicken pox he refused to eat hot food for a good year!! (Think he had some pox in his mouth and that put him off!). My youngest is only 1 but he eats a very small palette of food.
My eldest is in school now and has school dinners which are really helping. He's started eating pasta and tuna which he never would've entertained last year! He also eats fish fingers and nuggets again now. So whilst he's not eating nice family meals he's taking steps forward and I see that as progress.
I always think that when something stops working just take a step back. Break it down and make it simple. Maybe give them less options or think about the way it's been given to them (ie all on one plate/at one time etc). Offer soemthing new in a small dose with something try like. Don't compare yourself to anything that anyone puts online most importantly because it's all a load of absolute s h I t!!!!!

Yeah last night was quite chaotic.
The two that don't eat didn't have a thing to eat, my 7 year old ate both their meals
I did cave and give them cereal which wasn't eaten.
They woke at 4am again, my eyes are so heavy with exhaustion, I'm sat on the couch crying my eyes out trying to feed my baby but I don't have the strength to hold her so I've allowed them to have toast and cheese strings because I simply can't be fucked with the fight.
I've been awake since 2 am (fucking sleep regression needs to f off) I'm so angry all of the time, I'm miserable. I should never have been allowed to become a parent.
I've never regretted anything more in my life.
It doesn't help having no friends or family, there's no one to take the strain off.

I know they need nutritious food, I know I'm the only one who can provide this but how? I'm so fucking burnt out.

I get it op, my daughter is a poor eater and its hard to let them go long without eating but you must break the cycle of them demanding junk. If their weights are fine, they are getting the calories somewhere- work out where, for one.

You need to go full Ellyn satter. You offer nutritious food. They choose whether to eat it. You need to do this for a solid 2-3 weeks to start seeing it kick in, they've been programmed to know they can refuse meals and demand junk later.

My daughter is only 2nd % so it doesn't help me that I've the doctor on my back about getting more calories into her.

Oh and if their weights/growth are fine, I doubt they are actually hungry at night. More likely they've learned its the only thing they can say that results in them getting attention at night/makes you stay with them a bit. Leave them a digestive biscuit & water by the bed, tell them they can help themselves if they wake.

Hi OP, that sounds really hard. I think the sleep needs sorting before the food at the moment tbh. For one thing, being underslept makes everyone crazy e rubbish food.

It's a Bank Holiday weekend though - what's your husband up to? Can he take the older 3 out so you can rest?

On Tuesday can you contact Home Start if there is one in the area? www.home-start.org.uk/find-support

Crave! Not crazy e.

You're doing really well OP.

I've just done the food shop so dinner is chicken strips and rice or pizza. Two chose pizza, one chose chicken so I think after today I'm going to take away the choice and just end up making it but reducing how much I'm giving them as I don't have time to be making 2 different meals as I'm going back to work on Monday.

Excellent idea to take away any choice for main meals, because this will become a new battleground where they argue amongst themselves and want what the other one's got.

@OfstedOffred

Oh and if their weights/growth are fine, I doubt they are actually hungry at night. More likely they've learned its the only thing they can say that results in them getting attention at night/makes you stay with them a bit. Leave them a digestive biscuit & water by the bed, tell them they can help themselves if they wake.

100% agree.

Lots of fussy eaters are just after attention.

And if "I'm hungry" is met with "eat this plain biscuit", that's the end of the discussion, surely? If the child doesn't want the plain biscuit, they aren't hungry.

Experiment with not having these things in house at all: crisps, jelly, fibre one bar, cheese string, mini cookies. They can't shout for what's not there. (i say that as an impulsive eater myself who basically can't have junk food in the house because it calls to me from the cupboards!) Another thing I find that works is where you put serving dish in center of table, serve yourself and wait for them to say "hey, where's mine!?". Start off with simple foods. Mashed potato, pasta, then work up to serving with cherry tomatoes on the side. Cutting raw cucumber/carrot/celery/pepper into superfine sticks and serving with a dip of salad dressing could surprise you too. Young kids seem to enjoy dipping.

It sounds very hard. I think a focus on more calorie dense foods is needed if they only eat small amounts of things. E.g nut butters, eggs, things like pate spread on toast, fruit with some cream on, meat, nuts, hummus, cream cheese, meat etc. more protein and fat essentially.
Cereal at breakfast is very empty calories - as an adult it certainly never fills me up and leaves me starving not long after, so it’s understandable they whine for snacks after. My 3yo will have maybe two eggs and a banana for breakfast. Or hummus on toast. Or porridge with peanut butter and raisins. Or if she does have cereal I offer cheese with it or chopped nuts in it.

Consistency is key. It will take them time to adjust but be firm and consistent in the times of day that food is offered (eg 3 meals and an afternoon snack) and stick to it. And ensure they’re getting lots of exercise and fresh air to boost their appetite.

Sometimes mine will refuse dinner if they’re particularly tired, I’m guessing if they’re up since 4am and don’t nap they’re exhausted come bedtime? When they do this I tend to do them something just before bed to fill them up, just toast or weetabix and a cup of milk.

I think you need a good solid week to reset their eating habits. Can your partner take annual leave? Then he can be there to help.

And the photos of fruit you posted yesterday, mine would have eaten that each. They’re 4 and 2, I don’t restrict fruit snacks, even if just before dinner, if mine are ‘hangry’ before dinner then they won’t eat so they sometimes have a apple/banana to settle them first.

Another tip op, my two are both quite fussy & neophobic and I find I get a better diet into them if I am not constantly trying to introduce new/different things. So I have a few core (decent) meals they recognise and these are what gets offered up 5/6 days a week. Things like a pasta bolognese, a homemade veg curry, roast dinner, sausage and mash, chicken stir fry with noodles. I dont vary it up constantly as they prefer predictability, so as long as there's a good range of protein/fruit and veg, varied carbs, healthy fats, I keep it pretty routine.

I think a focus on more calorie dense foods is needed if they only eat small amounts of things.

Not really- their weight is fine so they are getting enough calories somehow.

OP is it also possible you could be overestimating how much they really need? Some children will have small appetites and simply need far less than we think.

OP I've only read the first and last page, but how are your cooking skills? I've not seen much on here that suggests you don't rely on processed food even when preparing food for your kids, and therein may lie the biggest issue. Processed foods are researched and continuously developed to make you crave more of them and the more processed foods you eat, the worse some homemade food will taste at first.

Children playing with their food is normal. I once saw a documentary where someone explained why - children don't know what their food is, so use all of their senses to explore it. So I wouldn't stress too much about the squishing and crumbing. One of my kids is autistic, so that phase went on for longer than normal.

My kids all went through phases of barely eating or refusing certain types of food (one point-blank refused to eat anything green for months). They grew out of it eventually, but I also kept offering them the same type of food regularly, just cooked differently. I still do it with foods they don't like now, e.g. mushrooms are cooked whole as garlic mushrooms, diced into a bolognese, blended into a risotto, sliced and added to soups or pizza etc. Eventually I will figure out a way they will accept, if not enjoy, the foods they refuse and eventually they figure out that I'm not trying to poison them.

Learning to cook together is a good way to get children involved in eating.

Consistent timing is also important. Food in my house is always served at a certain time (which can occasionally be altered now they're good eaters). My son knows that he will not get a snack again until a certain time and I stand firm with it, e.g. after breakfast he will have to wait until 10am before he can have a snack. Lunch is always between 12 and 1pm, snack time around 4pm, dinner around 6-7pm. Only plain water after teeth have been brushed; I have explained to them about oral hygiene and why the tooth fairy won't accept rotten teeth.

It's hard at first, but you need to buy into the concept of a full routine and far less junk food yourself. If you can skip meals, why shouldn't your kids refuse to eat, too, after all?

Oh op you sound worn out. Do you have any rl support, everything always feels impossible when you're that exhausted.
One bad meal isn't a set back deep breath and start today again.
I still recommend getting all the junk out the house they can't have cheese strings if you don't have any. It will make it easier all round I think.
Basic meals are your friend. Pasta and tomato sauce is very easy, eggs and soldiers for breakfast......I don't mean to be rude but do you know how to cook from scratch? If not perhaps we can recommend some easy recipes to start with - cooking is also the best way to get you children involved, few children don't love peeling a potato or shelling a pea in my experience.
I didn't have a clue by the way, so learning to cook from scratch was a steep leaning curve with my first two, it does get easier though.

After ten pages of advice you're still giving them cheese strings instead of meals?

You really need to talk to someone. Your depression is affecting them severely. Once the school notice they're hungry and live on cereal, you're going to have all the wrong sorts of intervention. I'm sure the thread is full of suggestions for people to call for help. Charities. Social services. Anything.

Ah, you poor thing.
This is really really bloody hard.
As you’re dealing with a newborn, can dad do the night wakings for the 3 and 5yo?
I’m not a fan of “daddy as tough guy” but is it possible they don’t have a pattern of wheedling him in the night and will settle faster for him?

Going right back to mine as a 2yo, she always wanted to feed in the night with me, but when I was away from home with work, a quick handhold from dad did the trick.

On a practical note… you said the other day that the 3yo woke “hungry” and that woke the 5yo. How many rooms do you have? If the 7yo isn’t in with them, how about splitting the 3 and 5yo for a bit?

Take the positives:

• you fed them breakfast
• toast and cheese strings is an OK breakfast!

I know you use white bread, so I’d try to get them over to wheat & white at some point, and buttered toast is better. You haven’t said what’s on the toast - better not to load it with chocolate spread or jam, but if that’s working, don’t change it yet. They like banana - banana on toast is a great breakfast.

You mentioned rice crispies - unless it’s a way to get milk in, I wouldn’t bother. Take a bowl of dry rice crispies and crush them into a bag. Look at the total volume! Not going to fill anyone!

You’ve done a great job with breakfast. Make it easy for yourself… breakfast = toast from now on. You know there’s so sensory issue and it’s a safe food. If they don’t eat it and come back before morning snack time - then toast it is again.

They’re NOT hungry in the night, or they’d eat the cereal. It’s hard not to offer food, but make it much more simple. Some very plain biscuits / crackers, perhaps. Something they eat, sat in bed, with the lights still low. Cold milk and spoons will wake them up!
Offer the biscuit, to be eaten immediately. If they don’t want it, take it away.

I bet you’re too tired to think right now, too…
If you want suggestions for today, I’d say:

• morning snack: TUC and cheese string
• lunch: cheese or ham sandwich, yoghurt, one mini cookie
• afternoon snack: your fruit bowl from yesterday, or just banana sliced, if that’s what you have
• dinner: do the pasta and beans again. If you have veg or sausages to add, fine - but beans makes a sauce for pasta for those who want to mix it, and a little bit of butter or oil on plain pasta works for those who don’t. Maybe you still have a chicken strip left for the 7yo to add?
• glass of whole milk before bed, slice of toast if requested

If they complain on hunger between meals, let them.

I’m not suggesting that my “menu” for today is well balanced. But I’m trying to suggests foods you know they eat, that it sounds like you may have in.

Of course, you may have your own plans! But I know what it’s like to be so sleep deprived that you don’t know how to think!!!

You have made a good start, and now you need consistency. And a tough skin to the shouting 😉