To ask how to get my children to eat properly

[TeddyisMydog]

Probably not an aibu but I'm in serious need of a change.

My children (the eldest is a good eater but the younger, 5y.o and 3y.o) are shockingly bad. For example this morning

Cereal : weetabix minis not eaten
Grapes, not eaten
Pancake not eaten
Then they'll cry and scream for crisps which I try hard not to give in to.
They had a jelly then a fibre one bar.
They then had a cheese string, a bag of mini cookies

5y.o is currently at a hospital appointment so lunch for the 3y.o
Sausage roll, sandwich, yoghurt, two jammy dodgers and a drink.

She poured the drink into the yoghurt, everything else was crumpled into bits.

I would put money on her asking for food within ten minutes.
I don't even bother making them a hot dinner anymore as they completely refuse it.

I've tried : shouting, not shouting, making us all eat together, making meals that they can pick at, I've tried buffet style, I've tried letting them eat it on the floor, letting them eat it outside, telling them they won't get a desert, giving in and saying "one bite and you get a desert!" I've even let them have dinner in front of the TV. I've tried giving them a choice of what food to have and I've tried just picking their food and saying there is nothing else. Someone once suggested a snack box but they ate it within an hour and it was a long 4 hours of hearing them cry and whinge for something else.

They wake 3 maybe 4 times a night crying that they are hungry which hurts my heart. I don't usually give them anything so they have to wait until cereal which again goes un eaten.

I'm about to engage in a massive health kick as I am starting to feel very down about my weight and looking in the cupboard there is easily £12 worth of biscuits and crap, nothing filling.

My children don't eat any fruit or veg.
Food at nursery gets sent home so they don't eat there either.
At my lowest point I begged my elder to just eat some chocolate so there was something in her belly (that was the day she'd chosen to eat a cheese string all day)
They don't have birthday cakes either as it goes to waste (my daughter had one for her 4th and 5th birthday, pulled the icing off then binned it)
My 3 year old had one for her birthday last year and just mushed it.

I have a 4 month old baby and PND so please be kind in your replies, I am knackered to my core so I've let them get away with their eating habits, it's going to take all of my strength to change it but I need to do something, we waste so much food it's shocking.

If you’re looking for a day time snack biscuit that’s fairly plain, cheap and not as sugary as some then the go-to at nurseries around here it Malted Milk. Rich Tea and Plain Digestives are options too.

You have had pages of advice of telling you to throw the cheese strings and other processed food out. You just need to Chuck it away and not buy anymore. That way you can’t cave!
They aren’t underweight so I’m not sure why you are so worried about them being hungry? There is nothing wrong with feeling a bit hungry, in fact it is good for us to feel hunger and also to feel full so that we are able to follow our bodies lead and eat the right amount. Your children aren’t starving, you need to be OK with them feeling a bit hungry at times.

Your disordered eating is probably at the heart of this. Did they both feed well as babies or fussy, refluxy? You sound exhausted and frustrated but offering them sugary processed foods is not a sustainable answer. The more they have the more they crave. Lots of processed and preprepared foods contain hidden sugars etc. Not eating regularly yourself allows your mood to swing and react. Do they eat better when the one is not there to wind each other up?

Do you have any support? Ask your hv if there are any Healthy Eating or cooking for children courses. Like HENRY www.henry.org.uk/commissioners Some will include the children and help them make healthier choices, others may focus on parents/carers and offer childcare. Can you or your partner cook with them, get them to prepare fruit salad, chop, grate or mix pasta sauces? Let them graze as they do. How does elder child eat at school?

Hi OP, I see you only asked for advice 2 days ago. The main thing that's going to help is consistency.

Others have given loads of advice which is great, but you're not going to be able to completely change your habits overnight, especially when very tired.

Pick one thing to change to start with.

Once that's a habit pick another thing.

One thing that really helped me was knowing that children need 16-18 tastes of a new food before rejecting it. So get used to making meals with a couple of things they like and a small portion of something else, don't fret if they refuse it.

My boy used to not eat, but snack all day, but never all, always leave a bit, not sure if he didn't like the look of an empty plate. Dinner time was a no no though. I think because it always looks a lot.

But, he would always want what I had, regardless if I made him the same separately, he would always ask what I was eating, so I would just double up, my plate, only put minimal on his, so when he asked, I would give him a bit of mine, the same of what is on his, but Mums food always looks nicer. I would then go, oih, that's mine, he thought he was funny and eat more and would keep coming back for more and would end up eating loads.

Take the pressure off, as like kids do, they see you stressing and bump it up the pressure. So I would just say ignore, instinct in kids would not let them starve and would kick in. As long as you know, what you provide is nutritious, just let go and relax, they would then too.

Hi Op, if you want some real life support, contact your local Children's Centre. They will help sort out the fussy eating.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Family style meals work well in our house.

Breakfast - bowl of chopped fruit, few tuns of yoghurt, slices of plain toast and a couple of spreads. All in the middle, pick as much or as little as they like

Lunch - slice up a quiche, do a bowl of crudités, some hummus, maybe some slices of ham and a few slices of buttered bread. Let them choose from the middle what they put onto their plate.

Dinner - cooked chicken/beef, bowl of potatoes, bowls of two more veggies, jug if gravy. Again, let them pick what they put onto their plates.

All uneaten food from communal dishes can be covered and refrigerated for the next day.

At any point they are mentioning snacks, direct them to the fruit bowl (put mini cucumbers, unpeeled carrots and cherry tomatoes in it too).

Save snacks like crackers and cheese strings for picnics/packed lunches.

I think this is excellent advice. My friend fosters children, some arrive with horrendous eating issues and this is how she operates. Sit around a table then talk about other things so the food is not the focus. If they don't eat at one meal then they are more likely to at the next. And stop buying crisps and biscuits. You are in charge not them!

Sorry OP, I've just RTFT,
Can see that you are absolutely exhausted and that you have other things going on with the sleeping and the baby.
Ignore my advice and have a hug instead. 🫂
(Don't care if mn bans hugs).

OP, there’s nothing truly terrible about cheese strings and toast. It’s carbs, protein and fat. Cheese and bread are staples for many people. Those foods on their own are not a balanced diet, but there’s no reason they can’t be part of a balanced diet.
I’d aim to swap the cheese strings to slices of cheese off a block because it’s cheaper and less over packaged, but not all the changes have to happen at once.
The 4am waking seems to be a habit, so try to stretch it so they wake later. When they wake at 4am tomorrow, give them a glass of water each and then wait half an hour later than today before giving them breakfast. Consider pushing back their bedtime a little to see if that helps them sleep longer too.
Get your H to take them all (or at least the 3 eldest) to the park tomorrow afternoon and have a nap. Could he deal with tomorrow’s early wake up too? Sleep deprivation is hard. The meal time issues will seem easier to tackle after a decent chunk of sleep.
Have you tried them on eggs? Eggs are brilliant nutrition-wise. I’ve always found the easiest way to eat them is as a quiche or omelette. Soft boiled eggs with toast are a stronger taste/texture but have an element of fun with cracking the top of the egg and sticking the toast soldiers in. That could be a good thing to try out over the next few days. If you want to try omelette with them then you can literally make one using one or two eggs and give them a tiny strip or two to try each. If they love it takes seconds to make another! Let the them watch you crack the eggs into a bowl (or let them have a go) and let everyone mix them up with a fork before you cook the omelette. If it’s a hit that would be fantastic. Eggs are cheap and easy source of protein and contain loads of micronutrients too.
This is a long term change you’re working towards, it’s not all going to come right overnight. Be proud of what you’ve managed already in 2 days and keep going.
How is your own eating going? Are you sitting down and sharing food with your children?

With the early waking I would buy them gro clocks and set them to a reasonable time. 4am is still the middle of the night. Make it clear that they are to stay in bed until the sun shines in the clock.

@GraceandMolly

My 3 year old is suddenly very keen on eating vegetables as she wants to grow big and strong like daddy. After each meal she’s had some nice veg I look at her legs and tell her she’s grown a little taller. That smile on her smile is priceless.

Wow, I bet the OP found this post so helpful and supportive

It's a marathon, not a sprint OP.

What I found on the very fussy days where DS would eat nothing for me, I gave him a bowl of milky porridge. It's really filling and keeps the belly full for longer. I'd go so far as to suggest that as a pre-bedtime snack for them all to see if you can stretch that night-time waking out a bit further. The plain biscuits and water by the bed are good ideas too.
If they are averse to porridge, then weetabix is another option. With warm milk in it it's more filling than rice crispies - even my survives-on-air DS is starving an hour after a bowl of rice crispies!

Then gradually as things get eaten, you can replace the regular grocery items such as cheese strings with ordinary block cheese, cereals with porridge or weetabix, white bread for 2in1 (don't worry about crusts just yet) or tortilla wraps - they fill a tummy nicely too.

OP honestly you're an amazing parent you turn up every day and so your best no one can do more. You must be so so tired. I really would like to know how much help you're getting fro your partner? It feels like you're doing most of it alone and he needs to give you more help. Can you get your three year old in free nursery/ child care? 7 year old back at school soon hope that gives you a bit of a break. Biggest hugs it all sounds like it's moving in the right direction. 🤗