To ask how to get my children to eat properly

[TeddyisMydog]

Probably not an aibu but I'm in serious need of a change.

My children (the eldest is a good eater but the younger, 5y.o and 3y.o) are shockingly bad. For example this morning

Cereal : weetabix minis not eaten
Grapes, not eaten
Pancake not eaten
Then they'll cry and scream for crisps which I try hard not to give in to.
They had a jelly then a fibre one bar.
They then had a cheese string, a bag of mini cookies

5y.o is currently at a hospital appointment so lunch for the 3y.o
Sausage roll, sandwich, yoghurt, two jammy dodgers and a drink.

She poured the drink into the yoghurt, everything else was crumpled into bits.

I would put money on her asking for food within ten minutes.
I don't even bother making them a hot dinner anymore as they completely refuse it.

I've tried : shouting, not shouting, making us all eat together, making meals that they can pick at, I've tried buffet style, I've tried letting them eat it on the floor, letting them eat it outside, telling them they won't get a desert, giving in and saying "one bite and you get a desert!" I've even let them have dinner in front of the TV. I've tried giving them a choice of what food to have and I've tried just picking their food and saying there is nothing else. Someone once suggested a snack box but they ate it within an hour and it was a long 4 hours of hearing them cry and whinge for something else.

They wake 3 maybe 4 times a night crying that they are hungry which hurts my heart. I don't usually give them anything so they have to wait until cereal which again goes un eaten.

I'm about to engage in a massive health kick as I am starting to feel very down about my weight and looking in the cupboard there is easily £12 worth of biscuits and crap, nothing filling.

My children don't eat any fruit or veg.
Food at nursery gets sent home so they don't eat there either.
At my lowest point I begged my elder to just eat some chocolate so there was something in her belly (that was the day she'd chosen to eat a cheese string all day)
They don't have birthday cakes either as it goes to waste (my daughter had one for her 4th and 5th birthday, pulled the icing off then binned it)
My 3 year old had one for her birthday last year and just mushed it.

I have a 4 month old baby and PND so please be kind in your replies, I am knackered to my core so I've let them get away with their eating habits, it's going to take all of my strength to change it but I need to do something, we waste so much food it's shocking.

Yes agreed

No one who eats healthily themselves would possibly buy the shite listed above

Oh op my heart goes out to you, you sound at the end of your tether. My advice would be to completely reset - do not buy ANY a snack or treat type food. Yummy healthy options only.
They can't have it if you don't have it in the house.
Put a hit, healthy small portion in front of them at meals times. Eat with them yourself and then take it away, no fuss not battle - repeat ad infinitum.
Take away their power, take away the battle. If they are then not eating to the point of starving themselves you need to get to the Dr.s for professional advice.

I feel your pain OP, meal times can be a real battleground with small children. What we have done is:

• no snacks between meals
• for breakfast and lunch DD chooses what she wants (I put out options and she picks)
• every meal at the table all together
• a "big girl" plate with a knife and fork so she feels a bit more grown up (just a plastic plate and toddler cutlery but she loves it)
• if she pushes her plate away it stays on the table until we have finished eating, very often she goes back to it

Once meals are completely finished if DD hasn't eaten much we just get up and that's the meal over. Makes me feel like I'm being mean but I was fed up of throwing food away and trying to force her to eat was definitely not working.

Stop buying junk. Everything you’ve listed is junky or high sugar. They need to wean off it. Plain normal food. You seem fixated on them having some food so they know you’ll give in. Chocolate isn’t better than nothing. Assuming they aren’t autistic or arfid etc they will eat. If you don’t buy it they can’t eat it. Put food out, make it look attractive so they can help self. Include something they eat. After a time clear away. No cajoling, no pleading. You have done your job by offering food. Repeat. No filling up on drinks before meals. Their tastebuds will adjust.

My diet is fine I'd say

I have cereal in the morning, for lunch I'd have a sandwich but it's not very often I eat lunch. I don't have any dinner
For snacks today I've had a fibre one bar and a protein shake

I know I need a wake up call but as I say it has gone on for too long it is going to be hard to break, but I want and need to do this. Comments like yours really don't help my already fragile mind so if you aren't going to be kind, please don't comment

also wanted to say, you mention you have a 4 month old. Has the behaviour got worse since baby was born? Not unusual for children to act out like this when new siblings arrive. I would also seek some support from your GP and health visitor, they might be able to help you.

Your diet is absolutely not ok if that’s what you’re eating

Processed crap for one meal and more processed crap for snacks

Are you really just getting through the day on a bowl of cereal and some snack bars?
No actual real food or vegetables?

Ok, so how about a meal plan this weekend ? Shop for it and stick to it. No snacks or alternatives in the house and try to keep mealtimes at the same time and lighthearted, no bribing, no discussion, chat about normal stuff.

Something like
Every day:
B cereal, milk & fruit
L wholemeal bread with a selection of cheese, cold meat and veg sticks in the centre of the table, followed by yoghurt. Return leftovers to the fridge where they can be snacked on.
D
Friday - veg omelettes, oven chips & beans
Saturday- home made pizza - make them together,
Sunday - roast chicken, pots & veg served family style
Monday - jacket pots with a selection of fillings and veg in the centre of the table.

Stop giving in to them and stop buying crisps etc.
Put their food in front of them and tell them that's all there is. Eat it or go hungry.
They will only go hungry for so long.
Mine tried this nonsense when they were around that age. They soon realised that being hungry wasn't great.
They would moan about being hungry and my reply was, well, you should have eaten your breakfast, lunch, dinner.
When they realised their moaning was falling on deaf ears and no other food was forthcoming, they are all their meals.
You have to be the adult, be firm and stop buying crisps and snacks.

@TeddyisMydog

((((HUG))))

You need a friend & some time out xx

Your kids will be fine, I'm not worried about them, but I am worried about YOU.

You sound completely ground down & worn out, with no friends or family supporting you.

Honestly what is your partner like??

Is there anything you'd enjoy doing that would be a good place to make a few friends? Any local playgroups you can take the youngest ones to? School mums?

Life needs to have an outlet!!

You need to get 'well' & content yourself before you can start to deal effectively with the kids. They are not going to starve!! Provide food, they eat it or they don't, but nothing until the next meal time.

Look after you!! 💐

in the nicest possible way OP, your diet is not fine. Too much sugar, and you need to eat more because big spikes and dips in your blood sugar actually can make your mood worse. If you are knackered, not eating enough will be directly contributing to that.

Don't buy food you don't want them to eat!

What we found worked for us was to put the food into serving dishes and let the DCs choose what and how much went on their plates.

Roast dinners are brilliant.

OP, your diet isn’t fine. That’s a really unhealthy day of food.

If you want your children to eat well you need to do a full family overhaul imo, focusing on health and nutrition . Get your OH on side and work as a team to set good examples to your children.

No cereal for breakfast- porridge, granary toast, eggs. No Jam / marmalade - use regular butter, peanut butter (check the label for excessive sugar content). Fruit. Granary toast with PB and an apple is a great breakfast and super easy

Sandwiches or soup and another piece of fruit for lunch.

Dinner with vegetables and protein every night. Google easy healthy dinners. You can do this!

@TeddyisMydog

My diet is fine I'd say

I have cereal in the morning, for lunch I'd have a sandwich but it's not very often I eat lunch. I don't have any dinner
For snacks today I've had a fibre one bar and a protein shake

I know I need a wake up call but as I say it has gone on for too long it is going to be hard to break, but I want and need to do this. Comments like yours really don't help my already fragile mind so if you aren't going to be kind, please don't comment

I'm sorry but that diet is not fine at all. Cereal, a (white bread) sandwich, a cereal bar and a protein shake? That is not a good, nutritious, well balanced diet.

You don't want people to be unkind, but I think you need to hear what people are saying to you. You are your children's role model and they are copying your behavior around food. Their eating won't get better until yours does.

No my elder daughter has been like this since she was 2 but over the last few weeks they now don't eat any cereal and they cry for snacks all day long which is what prompted me to make this post.

Someone asked what my partners relationship is like towards them eating, he is in agreement that 1 choice at each meal, if they don't eat it they simply don't eat but its very easy for him to say when he isn't here for 90% of the day.
I'm up from 4am with the baby and the kids (they say they are too hungry to sleep) so I have admittedly fallen into the trap of snacky bits but they take a bite and bin it, not 1 bit of food I've mentioned has ever been finished

Someone also asked what their water in take is like, they get at least 2 water bottles a day which I know isn't much but I can't give them anymore or they'll pour it out onto the carpet or take it outside and pour it out there. So I usually just leave it until they ask for a drink.
They don't drink anything like fruit shoots or capri sun, they only have milk or water

It is very very telling that you think you’re diet is fine

It sounds appalling

@TeddyisMydog

My diet is fine I'd say

I have cereal in the morning, for lunch I'd have a sandwich but it's not very often I eat lunch. I don't have any dinner
For snacks today I've had a fibre one bar and a protein shake

I know I need a wake up call but as I say it has gone on for too long it is going to be hard to break, but I want and need to do this. Comments like yours really don't help my already fragile mind so if you aren't going to be kind, please don't comment

Do you really think that diet is "fine"? Honestly?

It's awful OP. Where's the fruit and veg? The protein? Healthy carbs and fats?

I empathise with you OP. My youngest is 3 and if left to her own devices will often do as you have described- asking for food, but playing and mushing the food when it is given to her. I normally take it as a signal that she is not genuinely hungry. I tell her not to do it and take the food away. She knows she is not supposed to waste food or it will be taken away.

Agree with the other pps. Get rid of all the food in the house, you don't want your kids to pester you for. If it isn't in the house then you won't be able to give in either.

I often do the buffet lunch idea that a previous poster mentioned. It also gives them a sense of control as they are the ones choosing and putting food in their plates.

If youngest one refuses lunch and does not eat a thing (which often happens), I clear everything away. The only snacks she will be allowed in this case will be fruit or milk (Bananas are limited to only 1, then she has to choose a different fruit. So I won't allow her to eat 2 or 3 Bananas in a row) And when I can tell she is really hungry a few hours later, I might move dinner an hour early and give her her evening meal. In the worst case scenario and she still eats nothing, I will continue with bed time routine. If she is hungry in bed, she will refuse to sleep and tell me. At this point her only option is a generously buttered wholemeal toast, which she always accepts and then goes to sleep.

It’s not you leaving them hungry. You provide food. If they don’t eat it it’s not you neglecting or starving them. Children like routine. I’d do a set routine and menu.
So you all eat porridge or weetabix at 8am. If they don’t eat it carry on. Fruit at 10. Lunch sandwich, beans on toast etc with raw veg. Afternoon snack eg yoghurt. Tea all together Bolognese, cottage pie with veg etc. Don’t react. Just put the food out. Make it look attractive. Chat. Ignore crying for snacks. It will take time but they will get there. Completely cut the processed food and junky snacks.

Don’t buy all the snacks and processed food, if it’s not in the house then they know your not going to cave in and give it to them when they don’t eat their dinner.

I have one fussy dc (she has sensory issues around food) and I have one dc that will eat almost anything. I try and compromise with dd1 and have gradually got her earring a couple vegetables.

I think it’s important to cook meals with them, get them helping. We also do tapas/buffet style meals so they can try new things without to much pressure, I always make sure there are some things that they will eat and some that they will probably turn their noses up at but might surprise themselves and actually like.

I found it easier once I go my kids to help with the cooking/decisions.

Also: rainbow platter … with all the sweet stuff like strawberries and grapes

I made my own fruit juice and also ice lollies
Made of fruit juice

You just have to keep persevering

If it helps they are great eaters now and one had a full scale ARFID aversion to food. For
Him, I sent him on a cooking course at 6

Much of it’s about control

I also used to offer them what they wanted from a limited selection of healthy meals

Good luck it’s crap but they do get through this stage.

Do your children have any additional needs? Because, if not, at age 5 and even age 3, they are old enough to be told that food isn't to be played with, and they are old enough to be told to go back to bed until the morning.

“Don’t comment”

Op with the greatest of respect, your diet is very relevant to your OP

No I don't eat any veg. I had a childhood of being forced to eat veg, crying through every mouthful that it felt great not to have to buy any when I got my own house and did my own shopping.
Obviously I am well aware that isn't a very healthy thing in itself, I would eat carrots or sweetcorn but I just don't.

My partner is actually a big gym goer so for his dinner he has lots of chicken or beef, lamb, side of veg or rice.

Sorry, did you say you ate cereal for breakfast, you sometimes eat a sandwich for lunch but often you skip it and that you never eat dinner/tea/evening meal? So your food intake for the day is cereal plus snacks?
OP. You need to reinstate family meal times. You’re going to have to ignore the food waste and playing with food for a while because your kids need to get used to meal times again. You and your partner need to be modeling eating to your kids. They need to see you sit down and eat balanced meals everyday.
Ignore all the crap advice about getting rid of this that and the other. All food is fuel, even junk food. The aim is to eventually get the kids eating a balanced diet, including reasonable portions of the major macronutrients (carbs, fats, protein) and enough variety to keep the micronutrient ticking along ok - you can also use a multi vitamin to help with that.
What do your kids eat? Milk? Great. Cheese (even in string form?) great. Bread? Bread with butter? Bananas? Apples? Crunchy carrots? Peas? Sweetcorn? Peanut butter? Minced beef? Sausages?
Main meal needs a carbohydrate, a protein and a vegetable. The advice about serving dessert with the main meal is good. It could be something familiar like a chocolate biscuit, it could be something like custard or rice pudding that contains milk, it could be fruit. It doesn’t matter if there’s only 2 different vegetables they will eat, give them on repeat and try out tiny taste of new ones regularly. Give yourself a small portion of the carbohydrate if you’re trying to lose weight.
Don’t tell them off for playing with food. Treat them like toddlers, touching the food is halfway to eating it. Licking it is even better, even if they don’t actually eat it.
Integrate those snack food you know they will eat into their meal. So lunch could be bread sticks, (or toast soldiers), sticks of carrot and pepper and a handful of crisps with houmous or tzatziki or guacamole. They lick the pepper and dunk the carrots in the houmous and lick it off but don’t eat the vegetables and devour the handful of crisps? That’s fine. They ate some calories and tasted some different things.