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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

465 replies

Nameproblemsagain · 13/04/2022 16:30

I probably am BU about this, but when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named and while on a logical sort of level I know this wasn’t the intent, it’s always felt a bit like a cruel joke.

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!

So hit me - AIBU?

OP posts:
Chikapu · 13/04/2022 16:32

when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named

I have no idea what you mean by this!

SevenWaystoLeave · 13/04/2022 16:32

It's really easy to legally change your name in the UK, if it really bothers you so much just go for it

Heracles1000 · 13/04/2022 16:32

YABU to not change your name, yes.

SlashBeef · 13/04/2022 16:33

Confused just change it

CharlotteRose90 · 13/04/2022 16:34

If it bothers you that much then you need to change it. My brother changed his first name to his middle name as he hated it and was done by deed poll. No issues at all. You can’t blame the bank for calling you the name on your account which is your name.

NinetyNineRedBalloonsGoBy · 13/04/2022 16:34

Just legally change it. I did. Cost £20 and coincided it with getting my passport renewed so then the new passport was my ID for everything else

comealongponds · 13/04/2022 16:34

Changing your legal name is a (relatively minor) hassle but once you’ve updated it everywhere then the hassle is over and you won’t get called the wrong name.

Chaoslatte · 13/04/2022 16:35

so are you annoyed that they addressed you by your legal name?

RoomOfRequirement · 13/04/2022 16:35

Surely the bank didn't call you by the wrong name. They called you by your name.

knowinglesseveryday · 13/04/2022 16:36

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

So they didn't use the name that they don't know? No point being annoyed if they can't help the situation, but you can.

Cocomarine · 13/04/2022 16:36

This doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.
My friend is called David but since he was tiny everyone called him Fred. Fuck knows why. I’d known him as an adult for 3 years before I found out he wasn’t Fred.

But I don’t get why you’d think it was a cruel joke.

As for the bank… I’m curious about them even using your first name!

But they’re clearly not in on the joke.

It seems quite an over reaction.

You’ve spent your whole life with the nickname - surely it feels like you’re name but now?

starrynight21 · 13/04/2022 16:38

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves

If you don't like your name and you want to use a different one, what further problems could be created by changing it ? Changing isn't hard, and I can't even begin to understand why this would also make you angry.

MedusasBadHairDay · 13/04/2022 16:39

@Chikapu

when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named

I have no idea what you mean by this!

I assume the name on the birth certificate is not the same name they use day to day?

I know lots of parents who've chosen a name for their child, knowing that day to day they'll be using a nickname instead. Either a more casual version of their name (Johnathan/Johnny, Elizabeth/Beth) or using their middle name instead.

If it really bothers you OP just change it.

Original poster
Nameproblemsagain · 13/04/2022 16:42

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Surely the bank didn't call you by the wrong name. They called you by your name

See it’s comments like this that are the problem. I’ve had teachers say to me that it’s my name and insist on calling me it, situations in healthcare etc. It’s not my name and never has been.

OP posts:
MedusasBadHairDay · 13/04/2022 16:46

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Only while you are in the process of changing it though surely? Then you have decades of never having to explain it, which seems worth the hassle compared to the anger everytime someone uses your legal name?

Cocomarine · 13/04/2022 16:46

Why would you have to keep explaining it?
Surely everyone in your life knows you by your current (unofficial) name?

So none of those people would ever know you’d changed it formally.

Then you put a small amount of time into changing it everywhere. No more onerous that millions of married women have done…

Henceforth, you’ll never explain it to a bank clerk etc again.

Once in a blue moon you might have to add “yes” to a form about ever having changed your name.

I’m really not seeing the big deal here.

Unless you are actually still at school?

Who cares about teachers from years ago?!

TheOriginalEmu · 13/04/2022 16:46

@Nameproblemsagain

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Surely the bank didn't call you by the wrong name. They called you by your name

See it’s comments like this that are the problem. I’ve had teachers say to me that it’s my name and insist on calling me it, situations in healthcare etc. It’s not my name and never has been.

Well it is, legally. do you think your parents played a cruel joke on you? I would just change it. I’ve done that for one of my kids and it really wasn’t a big deal.
growinggreyer · 13/04/2022 16:47

The visceral feeling of anger is telling you that there is a mismatch between what your official name means to you and who you perceive yourself to be. Don't answer on here, but maybe thinking about/writing about the name and what it means might help. What would a person with that name be like? Would you like that person?

Cocomarine · 13/04/2022 16:47

I’m still intrigued as to the cruel joke comment.

growinggreyer · 13/04/2022 16:50

OP doesn't need to explain it, she feels it is humiliating. Perhaps it is old-fashioned or too posh for her. We don't need to know, just that the OP doesn't identify with it and doesn't see it as her name.

Original poster
Nameproblemsagain · 13/04/2022 16:53

@MedusasBadHairDay - because whenever I apply for a new job I’d have to give the details of my old name.

I feel quite angry at the thought of having to go through a solicitor etc too.

OP posts:
CharlotteRose90 · 13/04/2022 16:56

[quote Nameproblemsagain]@MedusasBadHairDay - because whenever I apply for a new job I’d have to give the details of my old name.

I feel quite angry at the thought of having to go through a solicitor etc too.[/quote]
No you don’t . You change your name now and then when you go for a new job you say the name you’ve picked. You choose to change your name so go through the deed poll and that way you can tell who needs to know what your name is.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 13/04/2022 16:56

It’s not my name and never has been

But that's not true, it is your name and always has been. Unless I've completely misunderstood and the bank just plucked a name from thin air?

Theyellowflamingo · 13/04/2022 16:57

You mean your parents put “Elizabeth Jane Jones” on your birth certificate and then called you Jane, or Mary or something other than “Elizabeth/Liz/Beth”?

Because in that case yeah, I’d be cross with my parents for that.

EssexLioness · 13/04/2022 16:58

You don’t need to go to a solicitor to change your name. It involves a quick form to change by deed poll and you need one witness to sign eg work colleague.