To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

[Nameproblemsagain]

I probably am BU about this, but when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named and while on a logical sort of level I know this wasn’t the intent, it’s always felt a bit like a cruel joke.

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!

So hit me - AIBU?

I went to school with a girl called Christina but known as Susie. I used to work with Sharon known as Kathryn. A friend’s brother is Ian known as Andrew.

I am always known by a shortened version of my actual first name (standard Alexandra/Alex type abbreviation) and utterly loathe the full version of it, but it’s my name, so in formal situations I will always get called it.

Honestly OP if you hate it so much just change it. I know you have reasons not to change it, but not changing it seems to cause you a lot of heartache and anger.

OP, I'm still quite confused about your situation. The DVLA accepted my name change, though I had to chase it up & discovered they'd just put it to one side & left it, because they thought it might be a change of owner because most people only change their surname. No idea why they didn't... you know... ask me! But a phone call straightened that out.

You do know you need to send something official to organisations to get them to change your name in their records? I think you get 'notarised copies' & that does for most things, but some places wanted to see the original document. I got the copies when I got my deed poll, for a small extra fee. It's been a while & that may not be the right term.

Now I am married the first name has lost its “humour”

Did your first name and original surname go together in a way you felt was embarrassing?

@Nameproblemsagain

I’ve just skimmed through the responses and while I’ve seen before it claimed that you don’t need a solicitor to change your name, the bank will only accept a passport or driving licence as ID and I genuinely have no idea how I’d change my name on there without some sort of formality.

I realise most people don’t think it’s a big deal and I do get that but to me it is. To be clear, I’ve never been called the name that is on my birth certificate. So yes it might be my name in a legal sense but since I’ve never been called it and since it was only put there to try to be funny I do think it’s fair to not accept it as my name.

Nonsense!

I don't claim a solicitor is unnecessary to change name - I actually KNOW because I've done it.

As I said in my PP. You do it online - it costs £20. You get several certified copies. You send them off to passport office and DVLA. They change your name. You then use that ID to change other things (although my bank also accepted the deed poll no problem) .

My deed poll was accepted everywhere, it was never queried, I had zero problems. I'm not just plucking this stuff out of the air to annoy - I've actually been through it. You are just assuming it's going to be hard work though numerous people have told you it won't - you seem determined to remain angry at everything and make issues where there are none instead of doing anything to help yourself.

In terms of telling employers they will ask for any previous names on an application but you absolutely do NOT have to explain why you changed your name - people change names for a variety of reasons it's none of their business whatsoever and I've never been asked. As I said this is from my own direct experience - I've got no reason to lie about it, I just couldn't be bothered

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

You're not alone it really irritated Rumpelstiltskin too!

I love this!

@Nameproblemsagain

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Surely the bank didn't call you by the wrong name. They called you by your name

See it’s comments like this that are the problem. I’ve had teachers say to me that it’s my name and insist on calling me it, situations in healthcare etc. It’s not my name and never has been.

With the best will in the world, how are the bank meant to know that?

You are not going to have to explain why you have changed your name. My DP has a different name to that on his birth certificate as he was adopted. No one has ever asked why he just fills in the 'previous name' boxes on forms no big deal.

@CatkinToadflax

I went to school with a girl called Christina but known as Susie. I used to work with Sharon known as Kathryn. A friend’s brother is Ian known as Andrew.

I am always known by a shortened version of my actual first name (standard Alexandra/Alex type abbreviation) and utterly loathe the full version of it, but it’s my name, so in formal situations I will always get called it.

Honestly OP if you hate it so much just change it. I know you have reasons not to change it, but not changing it seems to cause you a lot of heartache and anger.

You mean your name ISN'T Catkin Toadflax?

That's very disappointing.

I have name issues too (different ones) and I can absolutely relate to that visceral reaction.

I know it sounds trite to mention therapy but speaking about these things in a non judgemental space (which MN isn’t) can be very valuable.

When you endure humiliation and misunderstandings as a child, these things hit to the core of who you are. It’s easy for posters to dismiss this when they’re thinking about it as an adult problem with a quick legal fix. But to even access that fix, you have to confront embedded pain and that’s not easy. And it’s made harder when you’ve tried and been rebuffed.

You’re entitled to and justified in your anger OP. I hope you can eventually find a solution to at least make the future easier.

YANBU

Same situation here. As an adult I added my 'known as' name (ie the name I consider to be my actual name) to my given name. I had very few issues, as my given name simply became my middle name.

The only time I ever give my middle name is when I fill out the ' previous names' section on a DBS check.

It was simple for me then, but if I had to do it now and it was more complicated, I would still do it. It was worth the hassle. In fact, if you're already going through the faff of changing your name everywhere because you got married, kill two birds with one stone and do the first name change at the same time.

you are being overly dramatic and depsite people telling you, you still seem to think it is a complex solicitor thing.

deed poll. You fill in a form, drop your first name (or switch middle and first names) then send it in to be registered. Doesn't cost much.

As soon as they send you your deed poll certificate, you then send a copy to DVLA, NHS etc etc and chaneg your name, you would need to apply for a new passport and they would send you a new one in your new name.

No need to mention old name again.
If it is an issue eg with certificates, it is a simple - I changed my name.

But I just don't understand the issue, you use your middle name. So do dozens of people, both my Dad and his brother do this.
My dh is dutch and most Dutch people have a formal name and an informal name. In the UK he uses his informal name and if he need the official one, he just says Oh my official name is...

I really can't understand the issue with changing your name by deed poll. Once it's done you use the confirmation to change your name officially at the bank, GP surgery etc and then it's over. No one will call you by your current legal name ever again.

So much drama, it's exhausting. Just fix it and move on FGS.

Just to say, I know why my parents did not and could not give me the name they wanted, but why didn't they at least choose something that could have had the same nickname? Why on earth did they choose something completely different and completely unrelated?

@Nameproblemsagain

They put one name on my birth certificate but always called me by my middle name. And I do mean always - a few people seem to think that they changed their minds when I was a few weeks old or something but I was always going to be the name I go by. They just added the first name as a joke and I don’t think it was meant to be cruel, in fact I know it wasn’t, but it was thoughtless as it’s caused me so many headaches in life.

I am exactly the same. Parents called me Anne after my aunt, Jane Susan Surname.

At about 6 months, they decided I was actually more of a Jane. Plus my aunt didn’t like being referred to as “big Anne”

So, in my mind I’m not Anne, I’m Jane. Anne is part of my name, but it isn’t me, if that makes sense.

On official forms, doctors, bank accounts etc I am either A Jane S Surname, or Anne Jane Susan Surname (known as Jane). For everything else, I’m just Jane Surname. It’s not a hassle, I’ve been doing this for well over 50 years and have never had a single issue once you make your preference clear. I have several friends in exactly the same position, and none of them have any problems with not using their first name.

Fair enough, you don’t like it, but it is part of your name unless you decide to change it

YANBU I don't understand why some parents do this. I know a few who have, they've said that "Margaret Ann" sounds better than "Ann Margaret" - but in that case why call your daughter Ann on a daily basis? And if you were never going to use the name Margaret why give it to your daughter at all?

Madness.

OP - I know people who just have an initial eg M. Ann Smith - can you ask the bank/hospital etc to make it clear what your preferred first name is? I've seen a lot of official forms where the preferred name is underlined in situations like this.

As I’ve said I have looked into changing it by deed poll but I really don’t want to have to be explaining this in the future on job applications mainly and also, despite what people are saying, I did actually change it online a few years ago and it just wasn’t accepted by DVLA etc. I know people are saying otherwise but that genuinely wasn’t the case. This was maybe in 2011.

Then you did something not quite right @Nameproblemsagain and just need to do it again but right this time.

To be accepted by some banks, a deed poll needs to be registered, so maybe that is the same with the DVLA IDK. If so then you can just redo it but register it this time.

But you can do it with a Stat Dec with some solicitors and it's so much easier and no less valid.

If you choose not to do anything about it now, then moaning about your own choice is a bit frustrating to others and completely unnecessary.

I have the reverse problem, the name on my birth certificate is a shortened version of a longer name e.g. like having Beth on the BC but sometimes people will lengthen it to Elizabeth, never having seen the BC. Very annoying, giving the impression I don’t own my own name! (this is just an example not my real 1st name which is old fashioned, but I do slightly prefer the shorter version)

My Dsis had this - but I never realised it would be an issue with DS name.

It may be an old family tradition - it was in section of my family that they always used middle name.

I do suggets you look into it a bit- I know my grandfather just anglicized his first nane and dropped middle one (old family name). It was easier as less databases - but think DD1 will drop middle name which I think she can do by just not using it.

At job interview you just say - I was always called middle name thoughout my life so dropped first name as it was causing confusion - it's not that old a tradition but I think is dying out.

@Corrag

So much drama, it's exhausting. Just fix it and move on FGS.

What, posting a thread on MN?

This is a version of Why Don’t You - Yes But.

Anne is part of my name, but it isn’t me, if that makes sense.

Yes, it makes total sense.

If the name you're called by is your middle name on your birth certificate I don't even know that you need a deed poll? I thought that's what middle names are for, so you can choose to go by either first or middle. I can't imagine what first name they gave you as a joke, like an r2d2 sort of joke or isabellafredorina sort of joke?

For some reason all the females in my mum's family are called by their middle name. It totally confused me as a bairn when I found out. I am so glad my mum didn't carry on the tradition. My aunty on my dad's side also found out that her name wasn't actually her name when she went to school. She got into trouble for not answering the teacher, but had no clue they were speaking to her. So I can understand why it pisses you off OP

It may be an old family tradition - it was in section of my family that they always used middle name.

That not using first name may be family tradition but using middle name instead - possible as certain names were re-used in family but it's unclear and confusing when you try and work out who was who.

@ifIwerenotanandroid You mean your name ISN'T Catkin Toadflax?

That's very disappointing

I prefer to just go by Cat