To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

[Nameproblemsagain]

I probably am BU about this, but when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named and while on a logical sort of level I know this wasn’t the intent, it’s always felt a bit like a cruel joke.

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!

So hit me - AIBU?

Why did your parents give you one name at birth then proceed to call you by another name all of your life?!

Makes no sense to me why people do this. Weird.

It truly beggars belief - but loads of people still seem to do it.

I used to know a delightfully alternative lady. who changed her name from (let's say, as an equivalent) Sheila Richardson to Roaring Ocean, in later life. To make things even more unusual, she used it as a mononym, rather than first name Roaring, surname Ocean or Ms R. Ocean or whatever.

She found some of the systems of various government bodies and companies had difficulties with this, so she just adopted 'O' as an ersatz 'first name', which seemed to 'trick' the systems into accepting it.

She seemed to manage fine with it - obviously, it attracted attention, but her motivation for changing an ordinary name to an unusual one was because she felt it much better represented who she identified as and who she really was, and so she was more than happy to talk to people who asked genuine questions about it, as they were effectively just showing interest in her as a person.

It seems strange for a while, but before long, everybody gets used to it. Meat Loaf (who did use first name Meat, surname Loaf) was born with the name Marvin (and had already changed it to Michael as a child, owing to bullying connected with an overweight character in a long-running TV advert called Marvin); but everybody soon only knew him as Meat: that was just his name. If a stranger had asked "Is Michael here?", he, his friends and family would have reacted genuinely puzzled before somebody finally realised and said "Wait, hang on, do you mean Meat?"

@WhiteFire

I thought this was going to be along the lines of someone I met (work capacity)

Me: Hello, Mr Smith
Him: Please call me John.

It turned out he had had a very difficult (possibly abusive) relationship with his Dad and he didn't want to be reminded of that link if not necessary. It actually did cause him upset when he was called by his surname.

Pretty sure that's why my grandfather changed his Welsh name to much more common English version.

Connection was through his Dad who was an alcoholic and grandfather was much closer to his mother - in fact never heard him speak of his father at all.

He just ammeneded his first name and avoided the trigger and got on with his life.

@bringincrazyback

Now I am married the first name has lost its “humour”

Did your first name and original surname go together in a way you felt was embarrassing?

That's what I wondered.

Say OP's parents named her Fanny McGee as a joke with Maria as her middle name and Maria is the name she was always known as.
Then as she married and took that surname Fanny Smith just doesn't have the same joke impact. So while everyone else knows her as Maria Smith, her bank, hospital etc all greet her as Fanny Smith.

@Nameproblemsagain

I was (briefly) angry/annoyed yesterday, I’m over it.

People have carried on posting on the thread and I don’t mind that at all but if you don’t understand and are still confused fifteen hours later I can’t see that changing.

OP, you weren't briefly annoyed/angry, you had a visceral reaction and described being upset. You were angry and talked about the cruelty of your parents.

I'm saying this, not as a gotcha-type thing, but because I think what's happened here is you initially told the truth about your feelings, that you are hurt and upset and traumatised (that's the 'visceral reaction' part). I think that sounds very real and important. Those kind of feelings don't go away when you deny them. They fester and turn into depression, bitterness, addictive behaviours, passive aggression, and all sorts of other things.

There is support out there. You're not the only one who had a shitty time in childhood, lots of us understand. Things like this hurt deeply. You need and deserve some help.

Angry yes

Hurt - OK, I do feel my parents used my name as a stupid joke, and I don’t feel hurt by it as I know it wasn’t done with malice but I do get what you’re saying.

But traumatised, no.

I would love to know what this job is that means changing your name is more hassle than not

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Why did your parents give you one name at birth then proceed to call you by another name all of your life?!

Makes no sense to me why people do this. Weird.

It truly beggars belief - but loads of people still seem to do it.

It can happen almost accidentally. My sister has three names, one of which is a distinctly old-fashioned name which was chosen to honour a favourite aunt. My parents fully intended to use the first, perfectly normal name, but started using the old-fashioned one purely as a joke - and it stuck. She is the only person I have ever come across in "real life" with that name, and I think that she likes it because it's so unusual, even though in some contexts it could be seen as slightly ridiculous.

I can understand how op feels.

I'd imagining it's something like Ann Teak, now Mrs Smith which causes annoyance when referred to as Ann Smith when she's always been called Sally.

I'd imagine it would be more of a pain name changing when you have to do enhanced disclosure checks. Op will be in one of the very many jobs where you need this so people who don't really shouldn't be comparing.

Given that some sex offenders etc deliberately change their names to avoid detection then I imagine it would illicit suspicion if you applied for a job with very vulnerable people but also had a name change that wasn't marriage/ divorce.

TBH, marriage would have been the perfect time to drop the first name you don't use.

It's pretty common in some parts of the UK to have a first name and a middle name and to use the the middle name as your given name. You can specify on most forms these days how you'd prefer to be known.

From reading your posts, I get the impression your parents made what they thought was a harmless joke rather than anything cruel, but being the butt of that joke, you spent the first 18 years of your life being exhausted by it, and perhaps at the point when you were legally allowed to change it, gave up the fight?

I think it's true that parents can have a far bigger impact on us than they realise. It's annoying to change a name, but not impossible, and whilst I would have changed it by now in your shoes, I can see how you're too full of resentment to do so.

Do you at least like the middle name that you use as your given name? Did they get that right?

If it's along the lines of you were born Miss Ann Sally Teak and you're now Mrs Ann Sally Jones, I'd just call myself Sally Jones on everything, or perhaps A Sally Jones. You're entitled to use whichever of your two names you prefer - legally, they both belong to you.

But with the surname gone, does the first name really sound so bad now? I know you don't identify with it, but something like Ann Jones is fairly inoffensive. Can you try to detach the negative feelings of Ann Teak? Then if someone calls you Ann, it's not your name, but it's not upsetting, just mildly annoying.

People get called the wrong name all the time and brush it off - just today, someone asked me to sign for a parcel and gave me the wrong name. Along the lines of, 'delivery for Tyler' rather than 'delivery for Taylor'. I know my name is Miss Taylor not Miss Tyler, so I shrugged it off.

I get called the same wrong name all the time, but I don't have any negative associations with Miss Taylor, so it doesn't bother me. You need to find a way of distancing yourself from that previous you who was so wound up at school.

I'd imagine it would be more of a pain name changing when you have to do enhanced disclosure checks. Op will be in one of the very many jobs where you need this so people who don't really shouldn't be comparing.

I am in a job where I have to do enhanced disclosure checks. I changed my first forename name through deed poll many years ago. There is no pain, no inconvenience, no distress. It's all very simple and straightforward.

I'd imagine it would be more of a pain name changing when you have to do enhanced disclosure checks. Op will be in one of the very many jobs where you need this so people who don't really shouldn't be comparing.

It's no different to changing your name anywhere else. They will ask if you have ever been known by a different name but they do not ask why you changed it.

You do come across as negative and melodramatic.

My daughter's official name is different to the name she is known by and she adores having what she calls a secret weapon and "a professional name".

My mother is in a similar position to you. She has always been known by her middle name. People calling her by her first name doesn't have the same effect on her as it does on you. She just doesn't respond to it - at least not the first time - because she assumes they're talking to someone else.

It hasn't caused any problem for her at work or in dealing with banks etc. Possibly because they either know her well enough to know which given name she is known by, or they call her Mrs Surname. And she always uses both given names on any forms, and both initials. She has no intention of changing the order of her names by deed poll.

Where it is a problem is on her medical records. Whenever she is in hospital either as an inpatient or an outpatient, they call her by her first name. This regularly causes confusion as she doesn't respond immediately. I am worried that now she is getting older (late 70s) and has more medical problems, hospital staff are more likely to think she is deaf or confused when she doesn't respond to her name. It has already led to a delay in her being discharged from hospital after surgery because they thought she was confused. Unfortunately, I don't think there is any simple way to change her NHS records to show which given name she is known by. And the situation is made worse by the fact that in a hospital setting, she is not her normal assertive self, especially not if she is unwell.

I just what to reiterate @Nameproblemsagain that I understand exactly what you mean by a visceral reaction. That's why I changed mine.

So I never had to hear myself addressed by my formal name again. It's totally working. 😀