To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

[Nameproblemsagain]

I probably am BU about this, but when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named and while on a logical sort of level I know this wasn’t the intent, it’s always felt a bit like a cruel joke.

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!

So hit me - AIBU?

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

because whenever I apply for a new job I’d have to give the details of my old name.

Isn't it normally something along the lines of 'names you've ever been known as'?

I'd contend that you've never been known as that name, since you've never used it. So for anything less than a DBS check (or whatever it's called now) I wouldn't even mention it!

But surely you have to do that now anyway? So if you deed poll it (easy, did it for my child's surname) then at least in most situations you won't even have to mention it - I can't think the last time someone wanted to know the long version of my name as well as the shortened one I normally go by.

I will also say, that in the UK, your legal name is the one you are generally known and called by - what's on your birth certificate is irrelevant.

Your anger about it seems to have something else behind it: bad relationship with parents? Awful nickname? Awful actual name? Generally feeling invalidated in life by something/one?

YANBU to find it annoying, but it's not that uncommon and the idea that it's a 'cruel joke' suggests to me there's more to this. Which is probably entirely valid, but... this is a thing you can solve quite easily, one lot of paperwork in one go and you'll never need to mention your old name again, except (as PPs have said) maybe for DBS checks and the like.

My mother changed all of her name's - first, middle, surname - by deed poll following her divorce. Never seemed to be a problem for her.

maoamoam

Was yours one of those scenarios where you were given a first name in honour of a family member, but then only ever called/known by your middle name to avoid confusion with said relative?

I never understand when parents do that - why not just give the name you want regularly used as your first name and then use the relative's name as a middle name?

I suppose some parents have the idea that you will be 'middle name' up until the point the older person with the same name dies and then you suddenly 'become' the 'new' 'first name' - maybe with 'Jr' added (although this is used far more frequently with fathers and sons).

That plan always seems arrogant and egocentric to me - like a person's own identity is solely based on who their parent is and they are given a 'placeholder' name and have to wait decades before they are actually allowed to begin using their own name.

[quote Nameproblemsagain]@MedusasBadHairDay - because whenever I apply for a new job I’d have to give the details of my old name.

I feel quite angry at the thought of having to go through a solicitor etc too.[/quote]
Neither of those things is true. You can do a deed poll without using a lawyer, and you don't have to tell every employer what you used to be called unless they want to see an exam certificate in which case you just give them the exam certificate plus deed poll.

Do you mean
A) your legal name is Samantha and they’ve always called you Sam?
B) your legal name is Samantha Paula but they called you Paula
C) your legal name is Samantha but they’ve always called you Susan?

I have the reverse problem, the name on my birth certificate is a shortened version of a longer name e.g. like having Beth on the BC but sometimes people will lengthen it to Elizabeth, never having seen the BC. Very annoying, giving the impression I don’t own my own name! (this is just an example not my real 1st name which is old fashioned, but I do slightly prefer the shorter version). If you think you might change by deed poll, maybe better to do it before any legal documents are created like a will?

I had a boss who was called a family name but he was always called by his second name. But both names were quite normal, like Peter and William.

However, I knew someone whose youngest daughter had a family name. She was called Lottie, but her "real" name wasn't Charlotte, it was an old-fashioned German name like Hildegard.

YABU completely. As everyone has said you need to change it if it upsets you so very much! You cannot be angry at the bank for using your official name, surely? How are they supposed to know?

My ex H has been called by his middle name his entire life by parents and everyone else. It's quite an old, Scottish thing to give the males a family name as their first name and the name you'd like to call the child as the 2nd name. I know of 4 men like this. ExH is Robin Ritchie Fraser but all his life has been called Ritchie. When going to the bank/ something else formal he responds to Robin, but it's rare and not in day to day life. Either put up with the odd annoyance or just bloody change it!

My daughter had a school friend called Dominique but she was actually named Sophie Dominique Surname as the mother said her husband could choose a first name but then she decided that she hated the name Sophie so the girl was known almost from birth as Dominique.

Now she is an adult she still goes by the name of Dominique but she told my daughter that she won’t change it legally and her passport, driving licence and bank account are all in the name of Sophie.

Sounds complicated to me so I would have to change the name to Dominique!

Is that the kind of thing that has happened to you?

@Sandinyourshoes

I have the reverse problem, the name on my birth certificate is a shortened version of a longer name e.g. like having Beth on the BC but sometimes people will lengthen it to Elizabeth, never having seen the BC. Very annoying, giving the impression I don’t own my own name! (this is just an example not my real 1st name which is old fashioned, but I do slightly prefer the shorter version). If you think you might change by deed poll, maybe better to do it before any legal documents are created like a will?

My MIL is the opposite. She is just called a diminutive but lots of people assume she is eg Elizabeth. She said she would have quite liked to have been Elizabeth and wishes her parents had called her that as her formal name and then she could have chosen Beth or Elizabeth herself.

I had a German friend called Barbara who used a diminutive until she was 18 and then decided she wanted to be called Barbara after that. At least if you have the full name you have the choice, where as if eg you are Sam on the birth certificate it's more difficult to be Samantha (though people might assume it, like with MIL)

I’ve just skimmed through the responses and while I’ve seen before it claimed that you don’t need a solicitor to change your name, the bank will only accept a passport or driving licence as ID and I genuinely have no idea how I’d change my name on there without some sort of formality.

I realise most people don’t think it’s a big deal and I do get that but to me it is. To be clear, I’ve never been called the name that is on my birth certificate. So yes it might be my name in a legal sense but since I’ve never been called it and since it was only put there to try to be funny I do think it’s fair to not accept it as my name.

I had a cousin's child in this situation. He was named (not real name) George Washington IV because it was 'tradition' for the eldest son. His dad hated his name (GW III) and was known by a 'true' nickname (like 'Biff' or 'Rocky') but was 'officially' George legally. But he and his wife (my cousin decided to call their son by another 'proper' name altogether, so he was known as (not real name) Jack.

It caused all kinds of confusion at school, military, etc so George IV legally changed his name to Jack Washington. To add fuel to the fire he refused to name his son George the 'whatever number it would have been'. The furore in the 'Washington family' was something to behold.

If you don't like being called by your birth name, then change it! Not to do so simply means (to me) that you actually enjoy the anger you feel at being called by the 'wrong' name.

What do you mean by 'trying to be funny'?

Honestly, download the form for deedpoll and change your name.

Nbd at all. Then you can change your passport and driving licence with that proof.

I, like many married people, changed my surname 11 years ago. Very rarely now do I get asked if I've ever had a different name.

@Nameproblemsagain Changing it is about £5 and you should never have the issue again.

I did it because I got a visceral feeling to my full birth name. It felt like I was being told off at school.

I also chose a surname that had a meaning to me.

It's easy, trust me, and you should never again experience the issue.

And I’m not angry at the bank by the way, I just really, really loathe being brightly greeted by that name.

I suppose because the ‘hi is supposed to be a bit matey and informal but it just serves the purpose of reminding me of a rather un-funny joke.

DH used to ‘jokingly’ call me my name until he realised it really did upset me. He doesn’t now.

I know the problem lies with me but it’s because in one way or another my name has been a PITA all my life.

@nameproblemsagain. YABU to complain about unsuspecting strangers calling you by your legal name. You are doubly unreasonable to complain about something that could so easily be remedied at a stroke.

Deed poll. Problem solved. Life is short.

The problem isn’t really solved though.

As I’ve said I still have to refer to it on job apps etc and I need to explain why I changed it and tbh I don’t particularly want to get into it.

I do understand some people think that this is purely about the name and it isn’t.

I'm just so confused. Did your parents put a name on your birth certificate then call you a variation of that or something complete unrelated?

This just doesn't make any sense at all.

I did it by Statutory Declaration signed by a solicitor (should've been a fiver but he didn't have change so didn't make me pay anything.) It's just as accepted as a deed poll by the authorities.

Your parents called you a name that was a joke ? As in funny to them or something crazy ?

They put one name on my birth certificate but always called me by my middle name. And I do mean always - a few people seem to think that they changed their minds when I was a few weeks old or something but I was always going to be the name I go by. They just added the first name as a joke and I don’t think it was meant to be cruel, in fact I know it wasn’t, but it was thoughtless as it’s caused me so many headaches in life.

Funny to them.

You seem really determined to keep this name that you hate, so YABU 🤷🏻‍♀️

What you have said is not true

The bank called you by your legal name - this is the name on all your official documents

If you don't go by that name or don't want to go by that name then change it

It's really not that big a deal and if it annoys you that much just send in a deed poll