To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

[Nameproblemsagain]

I probably am BU about this, but when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named and while on a logical sort of level I know this wasn’t the intent, it’s always felt a bit like a cruel joke.

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!

So hit me - AIBU?

I've changed my name. The only time I have to declare it is in a DBS check. Where presumably you have to put your current official name now anyway.

You don't need a solicitor either, especially for a first name. You can just download a template off t'internet.

[quote Nameproblemsagain]@MedusasBadHairDay - because whenever I apply for a new job I’d have to give the details of my old name.

I feel quite angry at the thought of having to go through a solicitor etc too.[/quote]
But if you don't change it then every time you apply for a new job you have to give the hated name anyway?

It sounds like you just want space to moan about it honestly, so moan away. But it surely can't bother you that much if you aren't willing to change it.

You can fix this by officially changing your name. Or not. Up to you.

But it literally is your name 😄 if you don't want people to keep using it you need to formally change it.

Unfortunately, the name on your birth certificate is your legal name so that's what banks/doctors etc will have on file. I assume that you mean your parents registered you as e.g. Elizabeth but have always called you e.g. Josephine or whatever?

If it upsets you, I would change it and then you can use the name you always use legally for things like banks etc.

I know someone who was called John but was always known as Alan (not the actual names but you get the idea). Goodness knows why his parents didn't just call him Alan if that's what they preferred I'd known him about 6 years before I realised!

You don’t need a solicitor.
You don’t need to explain it in new jobs - unless maybe you apply to MI5 🤷🏻‍♀️
How often are you changing jobs anyway?
You’re really unwilling to help yourself.

I think you just need to decide what you want to be called, and make that name official.

Tell everyone you know to accept the name. And then move on. The only person hurt by your anger is you.

Just change your name and don't tell anyone. If it comes up just say ' I changed it to my given name as it gets confusing'. That's it.

But how are people meant to know that actually although your birth cert etc says Claire you are actually known as Sarah? If it makes you that angry, just change it, it costs £30 and you can do it online. Or you can do an unenrolled deed poll which is free, but some places won’t accept

@Chikapu

when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named

I have no idea what you mean by this!

I assume OP meant that they gave them the name XYZ which is totally different to the name everyone actually calls them which is XYX

It would have read better if OP said: the name I’ve always been called by strangers is totally different to the name my parents gave me

@Nameproblemsagain

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Surely the bank didn't call you by the wrong name. They called you by your name

See it’s comments like this that are the problem. I’ve had teachers say to me that it’s my name and insist on calling me it, situations in healthcare etc. It’s not my name and never has been.

But (unless I've completely misunderstood) it IS your name and always has been. The fact you don't like it and have been mainly called by a nickname/other name by most people doesn't make it any less your legal name.

I'm baffled why, if it bothers you this much and there's an easy and cheap solution to the issue (officially changing your name) you won't just do it! Otherwise, yes, you will be called be your actual name by people who don't know you or are meeting you for the first time, for the rest of your life, who obviously can't be blamed for addressing you by the name that is in front of them!

I have no idea why parents do this. I used to work in a bank and it caused so many problems, especially in the days when people had lots of cheques. People used to get really angry when they couldn't pay a cheque in cause it had the name they used not their legal name.

One man got really angry with me as he had over one hundred cheques to pay in (he was organising a reunion) all addressed to his username not his legal name.

Angry at going to a solicitor?
Is that because you think it’s unfair to have to take action when your parents shouldn’t have named you a name they didn’t want to use in the first place?

Sounds like need to have a nice big shout at your parents and get it out of your system.

Or at least talk about it.

Maybe you were named for your grandmother when your mum was under pressure to register you, and it was a tradition of first in each generation, and your mum was tired and unwell and couldn’t fight it. Maybe she didn’t even hate her mother’s name, but you just didn’t look like an Elizabeth, and she wanted you to have your own name. And you looked like a Josephine.

Or maybe not…

But - do you even know why they did this?

Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Is this name something objectively bad like Adolf or something? People are not being unreasonable to call you your legal name so it’s strange that you’re getting so angry and yet refusing to change it.

If you applied for a bank account using the name in your birth certificate then how you expect the bank to refer to you by a completely different name I dont know. They are not mind readers and nor is anyone else. Just change your name by deed poll it is really not complicated by 16 year old niece did it with no help from an adult apart from asking her boss to sign the form.

Oh maybe I have misunderstood!

I thought OP meant that their unusual name was very very similar to another more common and widely accepted name that everyone uses instead?

I thought maybe the bank called them by the more common name perhaps assuming their actual name was a typo or incorrect hahaha have i totally misread?!

Op. What is on your birth certificate?
THAT is your name. If you don't like it, change it. You don't need a solicitor to change it you're making this way more complicated than it is

If it upsets you in the bank, wait until your wedding day!

Just change it. You’re making it out to be much harder than it is.

OP why are you so angry, is there a huge back story with your parents?

LOADS of people are named Katherine but called Kate etc, but accept that Katherine is their legal name. Or are we talking wildly different names here, your name is Prunella but your parents nicknamed you Louise?

It does seem wildly unreasonable to be so angry.

You seem to be angry about an awful lot of things.

Why make such a problem where there is none? You hate your name? - so change it. Instead you're making excuses about all the reasons why not and why everything suggested will make you angry.

Nothing will change unless you do something and either way it seems you're going to be angry. Being angry achieves nothing and upsets nobody but you so just choose the least angry option and go with it.

To be clear

You DON'T need a solicitor to change your name - it can be done online for £20

It's NOT a hassle after the initial changing of documents

You DON'T have to explain yourself after the initial changing of documents

I've changed my name by deed poll over 10 years ago and other than my 3 yearly DBS check I never need to mention it - it's no different than the fact I need to tell them my maiden name now I've married?

It is your name and you are the one making this so bloody difficult. Change your name and you won't have this problem. You will not have to endlessly explain to anyone that you have legally changed your name.

Whatever ia on your birth certificate is your name, if you don't like it change it

You’re really making it far harder than it needs to be. I’ve processed a fair few change of name deed polls at work over the years and nobody has ever explained why they’ve changed, they’ve just sent the document and asked us to update our records. If you feel you do need to explain then just say everyone calls you x anyway so you’re just making it official, I promise you nobody will care.

YABU to get annoyed that your bank and other places use your official name when they’d have no way of knowing your preferred name.

I've had the same all my life . My mother , in a first-baby post birth euphoria, heard a name on the radio, loved it, registered my birth with radio name, and a fortnight later came to her senses, went right off my name, and announced I was to be known by another name. Which I have been. all my life. But not on my passport, birth certificate, marriage certificate, where I am radioname. A bit like secret agents, I have two identities.
I could have dumped radioname legally but never bothered, it's never been a problem. Sometimes, being incognito is quite handy.

@Nameproblemsagain

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Surely the bank didn't call you by the wrong name. They called you by your name

See it’s comments like this that are the problem. I’ve had teachers say to me that it’s my name and insist on calling me it, situations in healthcare etc. It’s not my name and never has been.

I can understand what you mean as we inadvertently did the same thing to our DD. She’s officially called one name but we use an abbreviation of that name that she prefers. In fact, it wasn’t till she was 4 that she realised what her real name actually was! We didn’t mean to deceive her but I guess nor we ever think to tell her what proper name was - or it never came up IYSWIM.

I wish we had told her earlier though as she hates her ‘proper’ name, thinks it’s an old lady name! (She was named after her gran). Her sisters tease her about it (because they know it annoys her) and I think she would change it if she could (she’s mid-teens).