To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

[Nameproblemsagain]

I probably am BU about this, but when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named and while on a logical sort of level I know this wasn’t the intent, it’s always felt a bit like a cruel joke.

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!

So hit me - AIBU?

So your parents had ‘Rosemary Jones’ put on your birth certificate but called you Rosie and that’s your name ??

Or they had ‘Rosemary Jones’ put on and call you Annabelle which is just a random unrelated name which they liked but wouldn’t legally call you? In which case WTAF?

Or are you a Binky Felstead (minor celeb, officially named Alexandra Felstead) and have a ‘everyday’ cutesey nickname everyone calls you but an official name on your birth certificate which you do not like ?

Erm you sound like you need some sort of therapy! Legally if it’s on your birth certificate it is your name whether you like it or not. The person in the bank doesn’t give a toss if your parents decided to give you a nickname and they weren’t trying to insult you. Legally in many situations (know your client etc) they have no option other than to deal with you in your actual name- you do know this right? Either change it or learn some techniques to deal with this better.

I really don't understand why this makes you so angry.

So sometimes people call you by your legal name and not the name you are known as. Lots of people don't use their legal name for example they go by their middle name or a nickname. It's reasonably common. Really doesn't seem to be something to get that upset about. Just correct people when they do it, simple. I have an unusual name that people get wrong all the time, and I just tell them. No biggy.

If it bothers you though, just change it and stop making weird excuses. It doesn't cost much and it really isn't an ongoing problem once you've done the initial admin. I changed my name due to marriage and it rarely comes up. I've had to declare it probably 5 times on a form and its never been queried.

You are making a big fuss about nothing really.

So are you saying that your birth certificate, your registered legal name, is “Anne” but your parents always called you “Jane”?

If people are calling you by your birth certificate name then they’re not technically wrong, even if that’s not what you go by on a day to day basis?

Yabu to have ‘such’ a visceral reaction. I can’t imagine being unduly bothered by this.

What's on your Birth Certificate is your actual name, it's a legal document. Whatever your parents called you day to day is a nickname. You might feel it is your name because you've always used it, but legally it is not your name. It's a bizarre thing for your parents to do if the two names are not obviously connected but I'd guess they wanted to call you a cute name but to put a more formal name on your BC and there wasn't a more formal version of the cute name so they just put down another name. Have you not just asked them why they did it? I tihnk you should just change it and get over your anger.

@Nameproblemsagain

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Surely the bank didn't call you by the wrong name. They called you by your name

See it’s comments like this that are the problem. I’ve had teachers say to me that it’s my name and insist on calling me it, situations in healthcare etc. It’s not my name and never has been.

I'm not sure if you're being deliberately obtuse or purposely misleading.

If the bank called you the name on your birth certificate and account, they called you the correct name. That IS your name. And always has been.

You appear to be choosing not to help yourself or make any changes which would make this problem go away therefore none of us can help you except to tell you YABU.

DP changed his second name by deed pole and has never had to explain it or provide any proof to anyone. I think it will be fine.

Deed poll

I use my given name so rarely that once (when I worked in a store where we had to wear badges with our names on) I got a phone call asking to speak to I genuinely turned to my manager and asked if anyone with that name had ever worked there.

I had to put on a fake voice and pretend I was a separate person rather than an idiot who'd forgotten my own name.

Can you explain how this situation came about?

@MedusasBadHairDay

I use my given name so rarely that once (when I worked in a store where we had to wear badges with our names on) I got a phone call asking to speak to I genuinely turned to my manager and asked if anyone with that name had ever worked there.

I had to put on a fake voice and pretend I was a separate person rather than an idiot who'd forgotten my own name.

😂😂😂

"I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!"

Imagine all the people (predominently women) in the world who have to contemplate the idea of having to change their surname back after divorce and the massive upheaval involved in that in terms of life admin/identity. Its not that unusual.

I have no idea what you're on about.

You say you don't like your name but any suggestion that you change it is met with disregard. What do you want us to do?

But it is your name? Why would someone in a bank know to call you something different?

You seem to be committed to doing nothing to solve the problem and staying angry with the whole world. Am I reading that right?

My dad was always known by his middle name. Whenever anyone referred to him by his legal first name, he just corrected them. He was never bothered.

It's not difficult to change your name officially; and whilst you will be asked on the odd occasion whether you were previously known by any other names, nobody in will care in the least when you tell them that you were previously Anna but are now officially Zoe, unless you had some kind of nefarious reason for changing it.

Names are usually arbitrary, anyway: most people wouldn't want to be known by a random name that isn't theirs and has never been associated with them, but for people who do have/commonly use that name, they happily use it.

The only thing I can think that might be causing you such a reaction is if you were given a male name, which is the one that official bodies use, but have identified with a female name from a young age - and are/present as female - (or vice versa). If so, I understand why you'd find that upsetting, but all the more reason for officially changing it and moving on with being known as the name which you see as 'you'.

As PP said, millions and millions of married women have done this (albeit with their surname) and it's a little bit of hassle for a while, but after a short time, that is who you are and there's no need to look back, unless you later choose to change it back (or to something else).

when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named

Like PP, I can't figure out exactly what you mean by this. My name is (not actually) Sarah Jane Smith. My parents have always called me Jane, but outside of the family everyone calls me Sarah because that's the name that came up first on roll call etc. (I'm fine with this btw.) Is that what you mean?

Or do you mean that your given name is Sarah Jane Smith, but your parents and therefore everyone else have always called you Claudia, no one has ever called you Sarah Jane, and it's jarring when a stranger calls you by that given name instead of the one you have always gone by? If it's the latter I can see it being a bit irritating - why would they do that instead of just naming you Claudia in the first place.

This is exactly my experience! My parents named me something like (not my real name) Jane Angaharrad (Ann for short) Sue Smith, then called me Ann my whole life, I only found out when I went to school that it wasn't actually my name. I don't know if you've read Catch 22, but it was just like the bit where Major Major Major finds out his real name.

When I was a teen, I told my parents I was going to change it by deedpoll, but my mum cried a lot so I never did.

I've since emigrated and I'm honestly paranoid about anything that could affect my residence status, so I ended up never changing it. About a year ago I started using Jane as my regular name, and honestly after the first month or so it's a lot easier :)

nobody in will care

'Nobody in an official capacity will care', that was meant to say

You are choosing to get angry about nothing. You can write your own deed poll using a template for free (recommend a few original copies).

You can send the forms to DVLA and get your updated ID. This helps with notifying everything else. Passport is the only thing which costs to update a new name.

@palmplantcirca1980s

Change your name. It’s free, the only thing that costs is time and the cost of a new passport. It’s extremely liberating.

I’m interested in the “cruel joke” feeling you get. Have you ever explored this?

Have you seen the cost of passports?!

OP YABU and give your head a wobble.

Seems simple to me. Either you go through the annoyance and anger of changing the name (and get most of it out of the way in a few concentrated doses) or continue to be frustrated every time your legal name comes up. If it's this much of an annoyance, I'd change it immediately. I don't think it's that complicated to do, is it?