Page 18 | To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

WTF475878237NC · 14/04/2022 09:42

I still can't get my head round this and the cultural element. Is it something like this - your South Asian Muslim parents thought it would be funny to call you Judas but you've gone by Aisha but people pronounce it Aiesha?

nokidshere · 14/04/2022 10:15

I can't work out when you would be asked why you changed your name? There are instances where you have to disclose if you have ever been known by another name so background checks are accurate, but none that I'm aware of where you would have to explain why.

It does feel from reading the thread that you aren't ready to let go of the hurt you feel about it. So there's nothing to be done really. You will just have to be pissed off about people calling you the original name until you feel ready to do something about it. It will be a shame though if you go through life with unresolved anger though. In the meantime you could add the name you would like to be known as to official stuff which would reduce the instances of being called the name on your birth certificate.

yourestandingonmyneck · 14/04/2022 10:21

Is it a decent name? Now that you no longer go by your married name and the joke is no longer there?

I don't like my name so I would quite like the option of going by another, but I'm guessing you just don't like the name in general, or just much prefer the name you have always used (middle name)?

For what it's worth, in my previous line of work I came across many clients who all go by their middle names. Generally they are all in the 70+ age bracket where I think this is quite common.

Colleagues would say "Elizabeth Smith" and would be some confusion until someone would say "oh, you mean Flora Smith". On the system it would always be recorded as "Elizabeth, known as Flora".

There would often be no connection between the names, and often it wasn't even their middle name. For some reason, it just seemed common in this generation to have a completely different name. Possibly due to their being so many all called the same name they they changed their name to provide a bit of variety.

As far as I know they never got annoyed by being referred to as the first name though. They would just correct the person and that was that.

ShaneTwane · 14/04/2022 10:50

Op I really can't wrap my head around your thought process here.

So you won't change your name by deed poll in case you have to declare your reasons on a form if you get a new job, which surely isn't a common occurrence.

Yet you get angry seemingly almost daily, any time you have to go somewhere like the bank, Dr, dentist, anywhere where they have your name on file.

This makes no sense. If you really won't change your name then you need a lot of councelling because you can't go through life angry or annoyed by your own name without wanting to change it.

Pamparam · 14/04/2022 10:54

Is it true that changing your name by deed poll means you have to explain yourself there jobs etc? I’m looking at doing that and I assumed once your passport and licence etc were changed, that was that and you can go merrily about your life with your official name??

Original poster

Nameproblemsagain · 14/04/2022 10:56

Yet you get angry seemingly almost daily

No, not at all, it’s a fairly rare occurrence

Like I’ve said, I do think it’s bothering some people on here more than it bothers me.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 14/04/2022 10:56

[quote Nameproblemsagain]@MedusasBadHairDay - because whenever I apply for a new job I’d have to give the details of my old name.

I feel quite angry at the thought of having to go through a solicitor etc too.[/quote]
The only people to blame here are your parents They could have changed your name on the birth certificate to the name they called you by deed poll

ShaneTwane · 14/04/2022 11:27

Did you parents ever explain why they chose the official name and then called you something else?

ShaneTwane · 14/04/2022 11:28

@Pamparam

Is it true that changing your name by deed poll means you have to explain yourself there jobs etc? I’m looking at doing that and I assumed once your passport and licence etc were changed, that was that and you can go merrily about your life with your official name??

Not all jobs no. It's only certain jobs usually that require high security checks that need to know if any previous names been used.

Goodbyetowinter · 14/04/2022 11:30

My dad was, let's say, Hector James. He was named after an uncle who didn't have children in the hopes that he would inherit. He didn't. The children nobody knew about did, so my dad was lumbered with Hector. From birth he was always called James. If anyone used his first name, he just said I'm known as James. It was no big deal. People often use their second name. Meghan Markle is Rachel Meghan. All you have to do is correct people and don't get angry. It's not their fault. They don't know.

chaosrabbitland · 14/04/2022 11:41

having read through your replies op im sorry im still so confused , there is abosolutly no reason why you cant change your name to the one you think of as you or what you imply is your middle name by deed poll .
it doesnt have to be a big quiz show at all , once its done you just inform all the relevent places ,like bank , job , dentist and thats it .

months ago there was a post by someone whos name was karen and sadly because of all this stupid crap whereby karen had been hijacked to refer to any women who is regarded as moaning or complaining changed hers to a diff one by deed poll, she said nothing about what a quiz it was , just about her feelings of why shed felt forced to have to change it as her name is now a joke depending on what muppet you might encounter

your replies as to why you cant change it are confusing and make no sense , if your not going to change it ,then your just going to have to suck up feeling pissed off every time someone calls you by the name you dont like , thats the bottom line of it really

Pamparam · 14/04/2022 11:43

@ShaneTwane of course, makes perfect sense. Luckily I’ve never had any important jobs so hopefully I will indeed be able to go merrily about my life.

Like OP I have always gone by a different name in the order of my given forenames and I’m planning to simply switch them as while my first name isn’t controversial, it’s been annoying my whole life to explain.

I don’t actually see why that would be any more arduous to explain that you changed the order than the usual ‘I go by [second name] instead of [first name]’ but maybe I’m being dense (as I was above).

Original poster

Nameproblemsagain · 14/04/2022 11:46

@chaosrabbitland

Seriously, don’t worry about it.

OP posts:

Glamora · 14/04/2022 11:48

@Nameproblemsagain

Yet you get angry seemingly almost daily

No, not at all, it’s a fairly rare occurrence

Like I’ve said, I do think it’s bothering some people on here more than it bothers me.

To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

You are the one bothered by it - thats why you started the thread

beastlyslumber · 14/04/2022 11:49

@Nameproblemsagain

Yet you get angry seemingly almost daily

No, not at all, it’s a fairly rare occurrence

Like I’ve said, I do think it’s bothering some people on here more than it bothers me.

You're the one who made a post about it. It obviously matters to you.

You don't seem to have access to your own feelings about this. You're reacting to pp who have given perfectly reasonable suggestions and helpful advice by telling them it doesn't even matter. Of course it matters or you wouldn't have posted in the first place.

Somehow you are going to need to face yourself. Preferably before you have kids yourself.

TheseDaysGoBy · 14/04/2022 11:53

Why did your parents give you one name at birth then proceed to call you by another name all of your life?!

Makes no sense to me why people do this. Weird.

chaosrabbitland · 14/04/2022 11:55

[quote Nameproblemsagain]@chaosrabbitland

Seriously, don’t worry about it.[/quote]
im not worried about it all op , you are the one whos started the thread complaining and yet it wont matter what anyone suggests you arent going to change it so without being rude you are the one with the problem you wont apply the easy fix to . apart from people saying sorry about how upset you get about your name theres not much else for anyone to say to you really

FrangipaniBlue · 14/04/2022 12:02

@Nameproblemsagain I don't understand why you'd think you'd need to explain your name change on job applications?

My surname on my birth certificate was my biological fathers but my mum left him when I was a newborn and married my step dad when I was 2/3. They called me by my step dads surname and that was the name I went by all my life including at school.

Problem was they never legally changed it!

So when I turned 18 anything official like bank accounts, driving licence etc all wanted to use my "legal" name on my BC.

So I had it changed by deedpoll so that my legal name was the same as the one I was known by. I used the deedpoll certificate as evidence of my name to get my first passport and to have my driving licence changed.

I have NEVER had to use my birth certificate name on ANY job application. Ever.

The one and only time I had to provide it was on an application for security clearance for a particular role. But it was simply listing it on a form under a section titled "previous names" so that they could use it to do background checks. At no point was I ever asked or did I have to explain why I had changed my name!

I really don't think it's as much of a hassle as you think it is.

flaglady · 14/04/2022 12:12

@Pamparam

Is it true that changing your name by deed poll means you have to explain yourself there jobs etc? I’m looking at doing that and I assumed once your passport and licence etc were changed, that was that and you can go merrily about your life with your official name??

Maybe if you apply to Mi5. For a generic job where you need an enhanced DBS check you just need to let them know your previous names. I've never been asked why I changed mine and it's a boring story. I was always known by my middle name and kept forgetting I had a different one. After taking my husbands common surname, I was often sat in waiting rooms looking around with everyone else when they were repeatedly calling Mary Smith instead of Louise Smith (not actual surname). It got quite embarrassing holding everyone up because I didn't know my own name so I changed it.

Pamparam · 14/04/2022 12:13

@FrangipaniBlue and if a job with extremely high security clearance wanted to look into it and saw on your form that you used to be known as Betty Jane Crocker and you're now Jane Betty Crocker, I don't think they'd be getting the thumb screws out, either.

SadButTheTruth · 14/04/2022 12:18

@Nameproblemsagain

When I read some of these posts, like that one above by *@SpringIntoChaos all I can think is ‘and they think I* am the one who needs therapy?’ I really don’t understand what is ‘hard work’ (never mind ‘fuck me hard work’) about disliking what my parents did to me and acknowledging this won’t be erased with a name change.

I don’t really have the time or money for therapy and I don’t think anything would necessarily be resolved.

I came back to see if you had taken on the many recommendations to have some therapy but it seems you just want to stay angry.

That’s not great for you as nothing will change or improve and you will stay viscerally angry about it.

I think you are actually getting something out of being furious about your name otherwise you’d find a solution. You’re not interested in solutions, just railing against people.

Original poster

Nameproblemsagain · 14/04/2022 12:20

I was (briefly) angry/annoyed yesterday, I’m over it.

People have carried on posting on the thread and I don’t mind that at all but if you don’t understand and are still confused fifteen hours later I can’t see that changing.

OP posts:

WhiteFire · 14/04/2022 12:27

I thought this was going to be along the lines of someone I met (work capacity)

Me: Hello, Mr Smith
Him: Please call me John.

It turned out he had had a very difficult (possibly abusive) relationship with his Dad and he didn't want to be reminded of that link if not necessary. It actually did cause him upset when he was called by his surname.

Regularsizedrudy · 14/04/2022 12:41

How does holding onto this victimhood serve you? You obviously need something to direct this anger at otherwise you would have just changed your name. You keep talking about “what my parents did to me” and a “cruel joke”. They didn’t do anything to you! (At least not in terms of the name, but maybe your anger at them is really about something else that’s too painful to look at) Loads of parents give their children formal first names but then only ever refer to them by their middle name. It’s really common. Why do you think they did this to hurt you?

FrangipaniBlue · 14/04/2022 12:59

[quote Pamparam]@FrangipaniBlue and if a job with extremely high security clearance wanted to look into it and saw on your form that you used to be known as Betty Jane Crocker and you're now Jane Betty Crocker, I don't think they'd be getting the thumb screws out, either.[/quote]
Quite!