To think having kids is brutal

AntarcticTern · 12/04/2022 12:19

It's hard work at times, and you absolutely shouldn't have them if you don't want to, but your post misses out all the joy! I have three, they're teenagers now and have brought be a lot of happiness over the years.

RedWingBoots · 12/04/2022 12:21

You know you can have one or none if you prefer.

Organictangerine · 12/04/2022 12:23

It’s what you make it.

MN is quite full of middle class neuroses around child raising - overanalysing everything, obsessing over schools, worrying about every little thing.

I personally really enjoy parenting, I find my child funny and interesting. Being quite naturally lazy it has been good for me, forcing me to look forward, get my arse out of bed at a reasonable time each day etc. But equally I don’t obsess over a bit of screen time, making sure everything is educational, what primary school she will go to etc.

Obviously none of that applies to parents whose DC have SEN.

jugglerofballs · 12/04/2022 12:24

It is brutal. It is also joyous. And heartbreaking. And amazing. And devastating. And breathtaking. And horrific. And incredible.

Nothing is black and white - especially not parenting.

Madrenetterhere · 12/04/2022 12:24

Yanbu. Having kids is brutal. I was watching this David Attenborough programme and it was about the albatross I think and he was describing how brutal it was for the parents to successfully raise their offspring to the point of independence. He basically said in the end, if they managed to get to that point, quite literally the parents would die from exhaustion. I think if you watch nature documentaries you will realise the struggle isn't just a human one, but anyway, parenthood ain't for the faint of heart.

BobbinHood · 12/04/2022 12:25

I have 1 DD under 5 and I’d describe it as hard work but not brutal. Fertility treatment and the years of thinking we’d never be parents felt brutal. The lockdowns were brutal. Working from home full time with a 2 year old was brutal. Normal times aren’t.

Perhaps it’s luck but my experience isn’t that which you describe. She goes to nursery and enjoys it. That was very expensive until she was 3 and now the 30 hours funding brings it down to a manageable cost. We sleep trained, so she’s slept amazingly well since about 9 months. She doesn’t get sick often at all. We don’t entertain her every minute of every day - there’s screen time, childcare and just plain old letting them feel a little bit bored for short periods of time. You don’t have to martyr yourself to motherhood or sacrifice every facet of your being although I do agree there’s a lot of pressure on many women to do so and it takes some strength to resist that.

I can see how if I added a load of siblings into the mix, had a DH who didn’t pull his weight, or there were SEN issues or serious illnesses it would be brutal but it’s far from inevitable or universal.

grapewines · 12/04/2022 12:26

You don't need to have children. Many of us don't and are happy with the decision. It would be too hard for me, too much of a change. I've always known that. So I didn't have them.

BobbinHood · 12/04/2022 12:26

But don’t feel pressurised into having children if you don’t want them. There are so many people living happy, fulfilled lives without them.

user1477249785 · 12/04/2022 12:26

It isn't 18 years of that but the first few years are quite brutal. Then there are golden years between about 5 and 12 where they are interesting, like you but don't need you for everything they do. And then there are the teenage years which can be pretty stressful. There's lots of love in all that and irreplaceable experiences. The shock to the system is that most women have children believing the world is more or less equal and then discover that all the unpaid labour falls to them. That's what leads to the depression.

Mymindisnotmyown · 12/04/2022 12:28

Having kids is brutal. They take over your body, house and mind.

But sometimes I feel my heart might actually burst with how much I love DS. His little hugs and word ramblings and excitement when he learns how to do new things. I get to view this world through his little tiny mind every day. In his mind there is nothing wrong with the world, it’s an amazing exciting place and I love that.

And maybe he will make a difference to someone else’s world one day just like he has to mine.

Amammai · 12/04/2022 12:30

I think when they are very little it is relentless and you have very little time to yourself. Mine are 4.5 and 9months. It is so hard to get things done in the house and they both want my time and attention almost constantly. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in a long long time. BUT the absolute joy they bring to me, my husband and our families is just amazing. I wouldn’t change our life but I do look forward to when I can maybe have an hour to myself 😂 it’s not for everyone and it does mean making sacrifices but to me, life wouldn’t be as lovely if I didn’t have my boys.

Organictangerine · 12/04/2022 12:30

They take over your body, house and mind.

Sounds like the movie Alien.

They don’t ‘take over your body’ obviously there’s the pregnancy part, which I can’t lie and say is easy (is for some, not me), but that’s only a short period of time in the scheme of things.

oliviastwisted · 12/04/2022 12:30

I absolutely love being a parent. The best thing in my life no question.

yoyo1234 · 12/04/2022 12:32

My eldest, is a joy to be around and good company (though a bit worrying with exams etc coming up). My youngest is a lot of hard work (toddler, not sleeping, into everything etc....) I think the early years are normally toughest (I know this may continue longer for SEN and additional heath needs, I think that more support is needed there both financial and respite).

Lots of people choose to have more than one so it can't all be bad .

JemimaTiggywinkle · 12/04/2022 12:35

@Organictangerine

They take over your body, house and mind.

Sounds like the movie Alien.

They don’t ‘take over your body’ obviously there’s the pregnancy part, which I can’t lie and say is easy (is for some, not me), but that’s only a short period of time in the scheme of things.

Pregnancy and birth can have permanent consequences though.

mamabeeboo · 12/04/2022 12:35

I think the brutality is having extenuating circumstances, eg SEN or single parent, or a DP who doesn't help etc.

If it is just one person, slogging with the home, and a job, and finances, and dealing with all other aspects of life (like trying to sleep, have a social life etc) it can be very difficult. It is easier with support, like most things.

Obelisk · 12/04/2022 12:36

This hasn't been my experience at all- having children has been one of the greatest joys of my life. There have definitely been some hard times within that though and also some need to adjust from being without dependents to being depended upon and all that means in terms of identity and freedom. I don't think sites like MN give a rounded impression as people tend to post when they are unhappy or have a problem they need help with.

It's definitely not something you have to do- lots of good reasons not. But I think any anonymous forum showing you "behind the scenes" is likely to give an unduly negative impression- teachers' forums are full of teachers complaining, academic forums are full of academics complaining, nurses' forums are full of nurses complaining etc.

Neveragain85 · 12/04/2022 12:36

I am raising 2 boys myself with very little input from their dad who I divorced 4 years ago. Yes it's hard, yes it's expensive, yes it's tiring but they are my rock, they are the reason I get up every morning & I couldn't imagine life without them. They keep me going, they force you to have a structure, to stay in that job you'd rather leave, but it's definitely made me a better person being a mother. It upsets me I didn't choose a better father for them but they are amazing little people. Do not underestimate the joy they bring

Hugasauras · 12/04/2022 12:40

@Organictangerine

It’s what you make it.

MN is quite full of middle class neuroses around child raising - overanalysing everything, obsessing over schools, worrying about every little thing.

I personally really enjoy parenting, I find my child funny and interesting. Being quite naturally lazy it has been good for me, forcing me to look forward, get my arse out of bed at a reasonable time each day etc. But equally I don’t obsess over a bit of screen time, making sure everything is educational, what primary school she will go to etc.

Obviously none of that applies to parents whose DC have SEN.

Yes, this is me too really. DH and I are both very laid back people and I don't think either of us would describe it as brutal! Most of the time it's enjoyable, sometimes it's a pain in the arse, but the highs far outweigh the lows.

There seems to be trend recently on MN of making parenting sound awful. I'm sure it is for some people, but that's definitely not a universal experience! There are so many variables. People who are happy with being a parent don't tend to talk about it or make threads about being happy, so it'll always be a skewed representation.

wakeywakeyeggsandbacy · 12/04/2022 12:40

Some parts of days, or days, are really really hard, but I don't think brutal. I wouldn't say I'm often exhausted either (two DC age 6 and 3). Tired at the end of the day, yes. But not exhausted.

I think a key thing is having a decent co-parent. If I was doing everything, 24/7, like I know some parents have to (even those with partners at home), then I would find it a lot more relentless. I work PT so DC are in school or childcare on those days. It's a nice balance.

Lockdown was brutal, absolutely. The 24/7, relentlessness of having two very small children at home whilst trying to work - I wonder if many of us have some form of PTSD from this.

Amdone123 · 12/04/2022 12:40

Well, it is hard, especially those first few years. I had an unplanned pregnancy and was quite young : no security whatsoever. I was doing my degree, so no job, no money, no house ! Without my parents' help, I'd have gone under.
I've only had the one. He's early 30s now and no one makes me laugh more !

zigzagzigzagz · 12/04/2022 12:41

How much are your friends partners involved with the day to day of raising DC and cooking/cleaning/life admin? Just because the stressed women I know have useless DP/DHs and plan to stop at one child, whereas the others are much happier and go on to have more.

vitahelp · 12/04/2022 12:42

Not really for me, I have a 3 year old. I still work the same job and hours as I did before, still workout every night and go out with friends every few weeks, as before. DH still does his hobby. We still go on similar holidays. Still have similar money to buy clothes/makeup etc.

It is easier being a 2 parent household though and DH does as much as I do round the house. And we do only have one child, can imagine with more it would be different.

The illness part I do agree with though, we both rarely got ill pre-kids but now it is quite regular - I'm ill right now

EV117 · 12/04/2022 12:42

I have several friends who have young kids (the kids are mostly all aged around 5 or under). Every single mum is on (or has been on) antidepressants long term, they don't sleep, are frequently ill with bad colds or bugs, are stressed and anxious all the time, and are always struggling financially. They all complain of existing in a non stop, exhausted haze of satisfying their children 24/7, while trying to hold down a job. And also desperately trying to maintain functioning relationships with partners, ex partners, family, friends etc.

What were they like before having children? Sounds like many of them were not mentally or organisationally in a good place to have children. Some things are out of people’s hands of course - anyone can get PND or end up in a broken relationship, some children are more challenging than others - but it’s odd I think to know so many people with these issues where they’ve been simply unlucky. I doubt that’s the case. Some people are not in stable relationships, not financially stable, not mentally in a good place but then think ‘I’ll have a baby, that will make my life better’ - it sure as hell will not. I don’t think the ‘perfect’ time to have a child exists, but shit timing definitely does.

alwayslearning789 · 12/04/2022 12:42

The process IS brutal... the result...priceless...

It brings meaning to the everyday and a sense of purpose looking to the future.

Everybody is different though and thankfully these days women can make choices about having children or not and enjoy their lives the way they choose to.