To think having kids is brutal

[Peachypear10]

My impression of raising children is that it's a long, horrible slog where every day for 18+ years is spent sacrificing all your time, energy, money and identity, and being exhausted, stressed, duty bound and miserable. That's generally the impression I get from MN.

I have several friends who have young kids (the kids are mostly all aged around 5 or under). Every single mum is on (or has been on) antidepressants long term, they don't sleep, are frequently ill with bad colds or bugs, are stressed and anxious all the time, and are always struggling financially. They all complain of existing in a non stop, exhausted haze of satisfying their children 24/7, while trying to hold down a job. And also desperately trying to maintain functioning relationships with partners, ex partners, family, friends etc.

I'm mid 30s and quite a way off being stable enough (money and living situation wise) to have a family. Wondering whether to just ditch the idea altogether rather than knocking my pan out over the next few years to set up all the foundations, (affording a home suitable for a family, etc) only in order to have a further soul destroying couple of decades. And especially when children have such a tough time now, need financial support well into adulthood, and the world is basically burning...

My daughters are now in their late 20s. I was never terribly maternal (don't think I'll ever become the sort of old lady who goes around, stroking the faces of random infants) but they were both planned.
I'd never experienced love at first sight until I saw my first baby and they have enhanced our lives enormously.

However, we were the first to start a family in our friends/family group. Had we not been, I'm fairly sure we'd have still have had children but there would have been a lot more trepidation and discussion about it.

Had MN been around then, I think we'd have opted for a vasectomy, tubal ligation and still have used the OCP and condoms, just to be sure!

It's hard work but so worth it ❤️

@AntarcticTern

But the difference with going to the gym is that you can change your mind and start/stop going at any time. Once you've had a baby you can't hand them back!

Yes, fair enough, you're absolutely right. I couldn't think of a better example! But I suppose my point is that not everyone experiences things the same way so even if you think you're going to hate it you might not or you might find it easy even though other people don't.

I have three children and most often it's my friends with one (rather than none) who say 'I don't know how you manage'. But they might find one a real struggle whereas I find three ok, it's not that I'm a better parent or better at it, I'm just a different person in different circumstances.

Sounds as though those people you’ve been talking to are doing it wrong! Don’t get me wrong there are really difficult, draining times but it’s also just so rewarding and really great fun. My life has been massively enhanced by having a child

It's literally what has given my life meaning but hasn't been without considerable challenges and the first two years were absolute hell. At the end of the day it just depends what you want.

It’s strange nobody ever ask if intense careers are ‘worth it’ or ‘why people do them’. It’s basically exactly the same thing, obviously you can leave a career but nobody seems to encourage people to do so.

@Mymindisnotmyown

Having kids is brutal. They take over your body, house and mind.

But sometimes I feel my heart might actually burst with how much I love DS. His little hugs and word ramblings and excitement when he learns how to do new things. I get to view this world through his little tiny mind every day. In his mind there is nothing wrong with the world, it’s an amazing exciting place and I love that.

And maybe he will make a difference to someone else’s world one day just like he has to mine.

This is how it is for me too.

One of my favourite songs sums it up as so:

Outside of my windows are the mountains and the snow
I hold you while you're sleeping and I wish that I could go
All my rowdy friends around accomplishing their dreams
But I am the mother of Evangeline

They've still got their morning paper and their coffee and their time
They still enjoy their evenings with the skeptics and their wine
Oh but all the wonders I have seen I will see a second time
From inside of the ages through your eyes

@user1477249785

It isn't 18 years of that but the first few years are quite brutal. Then there are golden years between about 5 and 12 where they are interesting, like you but don't need you for everything they do. And then there are the teenage years which can be pretty stressful. There's lots of love in all that and irreplaceable experiences. The shock to the system is that most women have children believing the world is more or less equal and then discover that all the unpaid labour falls to them. That's what leads to the depression.

Couldn't agree more, I struggled to articulate this but what happened to me

@jugglerofballs Accurate!

@Organictangerine

It’s strange nobody ever ask if intense careers are ‘worth it’ or ‘why people do them’. It’s basically exactly the same thing, obviously you can leave a career but nobody seems to encourage people to do so.

I really don't think it's exactly the same thing. I have a demanding well paid career and in no way am I emotionally invested in it the same way as I am in my kids! I think most people would say the same.

Also having a career/job is often not optional, one has to pay the bills. Having kids is very much a choice (normally)

@RobinHobb a job per se is generally not optional, demanding careers are. Nobody picks it apart though and says ‘how can it be rewarding if it’s such hard work?’ Etc, is more what I meant.

It’s the most intense thing I’ve ever done. It can be like you describe but also there are many days when it is breezey, fun and you are just so in awe of your wonderful children. Or days when it’s just life, plodding along.

After a very tough 20s I sort of drifted through life but having children has given me focus and drive. I absolutely miss date nights, full nights of sleep and I’ve just got over Covid and norovirus all to back thanks to nursery but these years are short.

I can see how having children isn’t for everyone absolutely, but I still had those very low periods before kids but they are about other things. Human condition maybe. I will caveat this by saying I have a supportive partner and grandparents and we are financially stable which makes a HUGE difference.

I love it. I'm a single parent of young kids and it can be brutally exhausting but you have to roll with the punches, forgive things not being perfect, and make the best of it. On Saturday we made pancakes, then spent the afternoon at a museum and split time between the free exhibition and kids' area. Walked back along the bridge, then got a bus home.

I wouldn't change it for anything.

I do think that if I had not had children, it would be a very quiet and isolated life , perhaps too much of both those things. Because Dh is an introvert who doesn't talk much. I now WFH so don't see people in the office. My only sibling lives overseas. I am not close to the extended family for various reasons. Moved around a lot so friends are scattered and of course, busy with their own children! plus a number have drifted away in mid-life.

I have some odd passions and literally the only person I can discuss them with is DD ( who is otherwise v hard work because SN). Never met anyone else who can talk about them with me. That has to count for something, knowing someone so intimately but non romantically.

I absolutely love being a mum to my little girl. It took me so long to have her. Even in my darkest moments of being tired or facing challenges I still absolutely love it and wouldn't change my life back again.

Having kids is brutal. It’s awful at times, but also full of joy, wonder, excitement, discovery, love, terror, worry, it’s a bloody emotional roller coaster. I would still have kids if I knew before what I know now, because my little people are amazing. They’re literally my everything, and no matter how awful it gets that’ll never change.

@ThreeRingCircus

I'd also say *@Peachypear10* are you sure that you're not trying to convince yourself that having children is really shit if you're in a situation where you're not able to have them? I can understand that, if it makes you feel better about not having DC but I really don't think most parents would describe having children as brutal. Of course there are difficult bits but there are also incredible bits, and everything in between.

Maybe... I've got some big decisions to make to even get to the point of being able to raise a child. So the fear is what if having a child makes me really unhappy, like it seems to have made most of my friends? And what if my children have a really hard time in life? I'd feel terrible.

I don't talk to anyone except my sister and mother about the deep satisfaction my kids give me, or their achievements. Because I am afraid of sounding smug. There is really some reporting bias because people will often only talk about the bad bits. Just like no one yammers on about how great their husbands are.

Anyway, you don't have to have children. You can do lots of other things. Maybe find another way to have children in your life, like volunteering and mentoring. I do have to say though that I am not fond of other people's kids. I only like my own!

It is brutal, but often full of joy.

But it is true the work it entails can limit your access to other joys.

So you have to weight it up.

WEIGH it up

The shock to the system is that most women have children believing the world is more or less equal and then discover that all the unpaid labour falls to them. That's what leads to the depression.

I agree with this.

I can only speak from my experience but personally I love parenting and find it reasonably easy.

What I find really brutal is balancing it with work, paying huge sums of money for childcare, fitting all the other chores in around parenting and working.

It would never be possible to know whether having children would suit you no matter how much you play it over in your mind. It is hard going, it is stressful, it is expensive and involves sacrificing your own needs for another but I'd never swap it for anything personally. The joy and meaning that I get from it easily outweighs the other stuff. I never had any doubt that I wanted children though. That might not be the same for you OP. You shouldn't feel obligated to have children. It should be something that you want to do.

My kids are the sunshine in my life!

Sure there are tough days but they make me smile or laugh every single day.

I don't think it's brutal. Yes there have been some tough bits like sleepless nights but on the whole it is rewarding and joyful. I love it but feel it is flying by too quickly!

@myyellowcar

That song makes me cry literally every time I hear it! I think it really sums up how I feel about being a parent.