Page 3 | To think having kids is brutal

Popcornriver · 12/04/2022 13:17

All I can say is your OP hasn't been my experience of parenting and I've got teenagers now. It could be because they were usually 'easy' children, good sleepers etc.

But I don't think people with similar experiences share as much as those having a tough time. I obviously wouldn't listen to someone venting about being up every hour during the night and respond with that's a shame because I have a brilliant sleeper.

As for mumsnet, you might think everyone is in an awful relationship, so many posts about uncaring arsehole men. People don't tend to post about their lovely DHs.

Autumn42 · 12/04/2022 13:19

The answer is yes and no, depends a lot on a combination of your approach plus what type of child you get

DrWhoNowww · 12/04/2022 13:20

I think MN ends up as an echo chamber on this quite frequently.

Someone will come on and have a (justified) vent about how tired they are/what a difficult day/kids out of control whatever and then everyone piles on with stories of how much harder they find parenting, how brutal it is, how they never have a minute to think or be themselves, how their lives have been ruined.

And whilst that’s definitely true for some, it’s not the reality for most - and you don’t see that because people don’t normally come on here and post about what an easy day they’ve had with their children.

People don’t often advertise the good but they’re quick enough to tell you the bad.

If you want children, have them, don’t let it put you off!

Also, if you don’t want children, don’t have them - but don’t have them because it’s what you want rather than because your thinking you definitely have 20 years of drudgery ahead of you.

SummerHouse · 12/04/2022 13:20

It is brutal. It was, and always will be, the best thing I have ever done with my life.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 12/04/2022 13:21

@CaliforniaDrumming really? That's strange. Most couples I know have positioned themselves to be near family so they can help out with the kids. It's been happening since the dawn of time hasn't it?!

mamabr · 12/04/2022 13:24

My daughter has definitely made me a better person. Sometimes I miss my old life but I've never felt love or connection like I have before I had her..
Think people stress way too much about little things
Don't feel pressured into having a child if that's not really what you want.

SmellyWellyWoo · 12/04/2022 13:29

Having kids IS brutal but for me personally they are a reason to live. The love I feel for them and the love they give back is like nothing else. That's not to say that is the purpose of life for everyone else, but it is for me.

Doggydoodah123 · 12/04/2022 13:29

@Peachypear10

My impression of raising children is that it's a long, horrible slog where every day for 18+ years is spent sacrificing all your time, energy, money and identity, and being exhausted, stressed, duty bound and miserable. That's generally the impression I get from MN.

I have several friends who have young kids (the kids are mostly all aged around 5 or under). Every single mum is on (or has been on) antidepressants long term, they don't sleep, are frequently ill with bad colds or bugs, are stressed and anxious all the time, and are always struggling financially. They all complain of existing in a non stop, exhausted haze of satisfying their children 24/7, while trying to hold down a job. And also desperately trying to maintain functioning relationships with partners, ex partners, family, friends etc.

I'm mid 30s and quite a way off being stable enough (money and living situation wise) to have a family. Wondering whether to just ditch the idea altogether rather than knocking my pan out over the next few years to set up all the foundations, (affording a home suitable for a family, etc) only in order to have a further soul destroying couple of decades. And especially when children have such a tough time now, need financial support well into adulthood, and the world is basically burning...

It is all those things you described in your first paragraph. Don't do it!!!

Masterchiefsbutt · 12/04/2022 13:29

Agree with what PP have said, some people make it harder for themselves TBH. I'm not one for ferrying my kids around to 5 million after school activities for example.

But, up until about 4 or 5 has bee the hardest part so far I'd say. My kids are 9 and 7 now and it's good fun. When they were 4 and 2 it felt very hard.

It does also depend on you as a person, the person who choose to have kids with (too many dead beat dads on MN TBH) and real life support. A lot of people on MN have such bad social anxiety they can't open the front door. I can't see them having a large social circle to help carry the load TBH.

Milomonster · 12/04/2022 13:31

Yes, having children is brutal at times, however, a lot depends on how you parent, the personalities of the children, whether the other parent is invested in parenting. I’m someone who likes my space and couldn’t face having a sibling for DS. I also got divorced, and have loved raising my child without man-child interfering. The benefit is that DS spends plenty of time with his father, which frees up my time to travel and do great things. I’ve reached a balance that suits me and have raised a wonderful, kind, curious child. I’ve seen instances where kids have pushed their mother’s limits mentally in an absolutely horrid way.

Comedycook · 12/04/2022 13:32

I think it depends on a few things

The other parent

How much wider family support you have

What kind of child you have.

Money

Your own character

PatientlyWaiting21 · 12/04/2022 13:35

I’m a new parent and it is bloody hard, but I’m not miserable, not on AD and don’t regret our decision. I have friends with older kids who also are very happy with life.

Favourodds · 12/04/2022 13:37

I only have one but am on my own 90% of the time. Work full-time and only use childcare 3 days/week. Live 4+ hours from family.

I don't find it brutal at all. She's by far and away the best thing I've ever done; I've loved nearly every minute since she was born. I don't really care about being tired, deep down I'll miss her ridiculous chats at 1am when they're gone.

But that isn't an interesting Mumsnet post, is it? Which is why you don't hear from the people having an easy time much.

TheOrigRights · 12/04/2022 13:39

My impression of raising children is that it's a long, horrible slog where every day for 18+ years is spent sacrificing all your time, energy, money and identity, and being exhausted, stressed, duty bound and miserable. That's generally the impression I get from MN.

That's the experience of some and if this is the impression you get from MN AND from your friends then I think you're getting an unbalanced view.

To counter some of these claims:
Yes, it can be hard work (raising a human is not going to be easy), but it doesn't have to be a slog - not if you enjoy being with your children.

You need some time to yourself.
If you view time spent with your children as a sacrifice then maybe it's not for you. Likewise with energy and money and feeling duty bound.

If your children are using ALL your energy then you either need to rethink things, or get some support (yes I know that sounds flippant and many people don't have support, but many, many people can access support).

Identity? That's up to the person. I identify as a mother and am proud to do so. I am also myself and have my own interests outside of my children.

whiteroseredrose · 12/04/2022 13:40

I've loved every stage of being a mum and now have two super young adults.

BUT I am very lucky.

I have a solid marriage, DH earns enough for me to have been a SAHM for a few years and work PT afterwards. Plus my DM lives locally so I have had lots of support.

My DC are bright with no emotional or behavioural issues. A few friendship issues when they were much younger - and they fought like cat and dog for a few years. But they get along well now.

So I've had it relatively easy.

I might feel differently if I had had to be a single parent, working long hours, with no support and DC with behavioural problems. But that is in many ways the luck of the draw.

YellowPlant · 12/04/2022 13:40

If you’re mid 30s and still a long way off deciding whether you want children then I’d recommend getting a fertility/women’s health MOT done. If all is well you know you have a couple of years and if your eggs are declining you could freeze them and give yourself peace of mind.

ilovebencooper · 12/04/2022 13:41

Lots of things worth having in life are hard.

stairgates · 12/04/2022 13:43

I havent found it very hard tbh, just dont let them rule you, kids love boundaries, makes them feel safe, if you kill your self trying to please them all the time or being some fairytale parent that the internet tells you you should be then you will probably not enjoy it too much.

DancingChairs · 12/04/2022 13:45

My life changed quite radically a few years ago, and I lost my extended support network/community/family. Raising DC without any backup apart from my partner was not what I signed up for when having DC. Throw in SEN and a possible personality disordered adult child, and no, it isn't easy. I'm quite resentful if I'm honest. Not so much of the DC, but of not having any external support. It's not what I thought it would be when they were small.

A580Hojas · 12/04/2022 13:45

There have been tough weeks and months (especially when the children were ill and we were frightened), days when I thought I couldn't put another step forward, worrying times in the mid teen years, but hand on heart having children is the best thing I could possibly have done with my life. I left it a long time to decide, but am so glad I had my children at 38 and 40. I know without a shadow of a doubt that DH feels the same way. It's been amazing so far and now they are young adults I feel exactly the same.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/04/2022 13:50

It’s much more brutal if you are a single parent or have a partner who doesn’t pull their weight/ is a bit of a shit.

I think it can be much more of a pleasant experience with two decent parents pulling their weight. However, I haven’t experienced this so not speaking first hand!

drspouse · 12/04/2022 13:50

The brutal part for us is not so much DS SEN but the fact that no school will take him and we have literally been looking at schools non stop (with a slight break in April/May 2020) since Jan 2019. We have been arguing with the OT service and the LEA over his OT for that same length of time. We have been to tribunal twice over his schooling and his EHCP.
It would not be brutal if we didn't have that battle.

bookworm14 · 12/04/2022 13:51

I wouldn’t say it was brutal in my experience. It’s hard, yes, but it’s a hell of a lot easier if you have a supportive partner, a decent amount of money and a child/children with no disabilities. For me the positives hugely outweigh the negatives (so far, at least - DD is only 6).

I did stick at one child though, and I’m pretty sure I would have found multiple kids much harder.

BottlingBurpsForGrandma · 12/04/2022 13:51

I'm not as middle class or high achieving as most of Mumsnet so parenting is quite easy. My friends are mostly in our early 30s and have completed our families now (we are up North so first babies by 25 very very common) I have a part time job that stays in its box and doesn't spill into family life, a DH I like, we pay for childcare as needed, kids eat oven food 2 or 3 days a week but parenting is mostly great fun. We've just had 11 kids over for lunch, nuggets and chips and largely ignored them for 3 hours (youngest are 3 so do need checking on for loo breaks etc) while I drank coffee with my friends.

The emotional load never goes away but I only know 2 friends (out of probably 10 who I am close enough to discuss medical history openly) who've been depressed and both times it was classic PND lasting a few months after birth.

My life is not aspirational but neither is there the neurosis shown in Motherland or the stress I read about on here. But you should only have kids if you definitely want to.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/04/2022 13:52

Qualifying the above - not in every case of course - having two good parents doesn’t stop kids getting ill, having disabilities etc. or experiencing tragedy.

I’m just saying I think it can help!