To think having kids is brutal

[Peachypear10]

My impression of raising children is that it's a long, horrible slog where every day for 18+ years is spent sacrificing all your time, energy, money and identity, and being exhausted, stressed, duty bound and miserable. That's generally the impression I get from MN.

I have several friends who have young kids (the kids are mostly all aged around 5 or under). Every single mum is on (or has been on) antidepressants long term, they don't sleep, are frequently ill with bad colds or bugs, are stressed and anxious all the time, and are always struggling financially. They all complain of existing in a non stop, exhausted haze of satisfying their children 24/7, while trying to hold down a job. And also desperately trying to maintain functioning relationships with partners, ex partners, family, friends etc.

I'm mid 30s and quite a way off being stable enough (money and living situation wise) to have a family. Wondering whether to just ditch the idea altogether rather than knocking my pan out over the next few years to set up all the foundations, (affording a home suitable for a family, etc) only in order to have a further soul destroying couple of decades. And especially when children have such a tough time now, need financial support well into adulthood, and the world is basically burning...

New mum age 39, writing during night feed. I was put off motherhood for years by generally only hearing the negative stuff, not least from my own mother and not knowing anyone who gave me a role model that I could aspire to. Fast forward and all my friends have children and I've seen the highs too and now I'm blessed with my own. It's harder than I imagined on a practical level but the love I feel for her and sense of satisfaction is unparalleled and I wish I'd done this years ago.

I love being a mother - my children bring me so much joy (they're 2.5yo and 4mo). Yes it's very hard sometimes and I'm often tired but they're worth it.

I do miss my kid free life but you can't have it both ways.

Brutal? Goodness, no. That's incredibly dramatic. I'm a single parent of 2 working 2 jobs to make ends meet and be able to give my dc some nice opportunities. I don't have any of the things you list - we live in a rented 2 bed flat. Their dad is useless both financially and practically so I'm on my own providing everything. Obviously it's sometimes been hard over the last 12 years - An unwell dd2 as a baby meaning I barely slept for about 2 months as a newborn, and for a long time after she was still very hard work. Didn't sleep through the night til well past age 1. a partner who did nothing to help even after c sections. Splitting and moving countries with not much more than the clothes on our backs and having to rebuild from scratch - hard yes, it wound be nice if the girls could have their own bedroom of course and if I had another adult to share the load and spare money but the fun we've had and the happiness they bring has outweighed all that. I'm not and have never been anxious or on any sort of anti depressant. Perhaps it's the fact I don't care much what others think and don't hold myself to the unrealistic standards many do as parents. I was a stay at home mum til dd2 started school and now I work term time with job 1 and can pick a and choose job 2 shifts so we have lots of opportunities to spend time together and have fun. I guess if I worked full time, relied on expensive childcare and had 5 weeks holiday a year then things might be different but that was a choice I made not to do.

I work term time with job 1 and can pick a and choose job 2 shifts so we have lots of opportunities to spend time together and have fun.

As a single mum your very lucky to be able to work term time only. You don't have the hardship of juggling childcare. With all due respect there are few term time roles. Also I think OP meant parenting was hard by using the term brutal.

@ChampagneLassie

New mum age 39, writing during night feed. I was put off motherhood for years by generally only hearing the negative stuff, not least from my own mother and not knowing anyone who gave me a role model that I could aspire to. Fast forward and all my friends have children and I've seen the highs too and now I'm blessed with my own. It's harder than I imagined on a practical level but the love I feel for her and sense of satisfaction is unparalleled and I wish I'd done this years ago.

Congratulations to you. Like @Kinsters said. There's more good days than bad too.

As a single mum your very lucky to be able to work term time only. You don't have the hardship of juggling childcare. With all due respect there are few term time roles. Also I think OP meant parenting was hard by using the term brutal.

It's not luck. I chose to do it. There are always countless teaching assistant jobs advertised at any one time, which is what I do. Brutal and hard do not mean the same the same thing?!

@liveforsummer yes I know what brutal means I doubt OP meant violent and cruel do you? That's nice you have shared your experience though.

Surely sharing experiences is the only way to know if everyone thinks it's brutal? While I'm she didn't mean that it definitely suggests much more than 'hard'. Not that I'd choose hard as the main descriptor either. Hard at times of course but so are parts of child free life too.

@ChampagneLassie

New mum age 39, writing during night feed. I was put off motherhood for years by generally only hearing the negative stuff, not least from my own mother and not knowing anyone who gave me a role model that I could aspire to. Fast forward and all my friends have children and I've seen the highs too and now I'm blessed with my own. It's harder than I imagined on a practical level but the love I feel for her and sense of satisfaction is unparalleled and I wish I'd done this years ago.

Yes, I'm in the same situation.

Only ever seemed to hear the negative stuff.

Six months in I am loving having a child. Genuinely wish I'd started a family sooner.

There are brutal moments but they are all worth it most people are likely to complain about the bad things rather than boast about the good bits yes sometimes you are exhausted and want to scream or hide but even on the hard days they are 100% worth it somedays I'm dying for DD and DSS bed time but then when they are in bed I miss them

It's worth every second

I haven't slept in weeks as my twins are going through sleep depression

I have no money

I have no time

I wouldn't change it for the world.

@liveforsummer

Surely sharing experiences is the only way to know if everyone thinks it's brutal? While I'm she didn't mean that it definitely suggests much more than 'hard'. Not that I'd choose hard as the main descriptor either. Hard at times of course but so are parts of child free life too.

Your contradicting yourself you speak upon sharing... yet your being unkind and nit picking on OTHERS experiences. YOU have stated several times you have not found it hard at times and YOU continue to brag how you don't take anti depressants...

Is that really necessary? Nobody said you can't share it's you who is critising here

I'm not criticising anything. I'm responding directly to the points in the OP where she said things like everyone has or is on anti depressants. I'd not have mention that if it were not in the OP.

It can be hard work and relentless (and adds in a load more admin) but I think my kids are incredible little people. I’m with @macaronipenguinn - my kid who has learning disabilities is also bloody brilliant. Nothing brings joy like a child meeting a milestone when you can’t take it for granted that they will, and knowing just how hard they’ve worked to get there. She makes me laugh and love incredibly hard. She’s brought a whole world of amazing people into my life. Even with the things people immediately imagine with disability - we spend more time in hospital than I’d like, I have to advocate for her more loudly than I’d like, I’d love to take more for granted and I know that being financially secure makes things a whole lot easier - she brings way more to my life than she takes.

@liveforsummer

I'm not criticising anything. I'm responding directly to the points in the OP where she said things like everyone has or is on anti depressants. I'd not have mention that if it were not in the OP.

Brutal? Goodness, no. That's incredibly dramatic.

Yes you were. You also continued to question what brutal meant despite knowing what OP meant... then you went on to say OP meant much more than hard. Perhaps some feel differently to you we can't all be a TA it's unrealistic however obtuse you want to be. We are have different valid experiences.

That messaging was all I heard before I had my baby at 39. It seems some sort of competition between certain mothers over how hard their life is.
When I finally took the plunge I entirely expected a gruelling (yet rewarding) experience. That said, it’s been great. My 7 month old does need my attention but it’s been an entirely positive experience & going through it myself I’m astounded at how so many parents absolutely break down over quite simple tasks. I think it has much to do with your personality. So many parents seem entirely neurotic & those are the ones that can’t core and don’t enjoy it. I don’t say this to shame anyone but rather provide an alternative view to all the negativity that’s dumped on women considering whether to have a child.
However I am one and done and was always going to be. I can see how having more would get harder to find balance.

As I said Brutal means so much more than hard at times, plus OP has no dc so not criticising her experience in anyway and hers is a pre conception not an experience!

I do find that a lot of parent give off this vibe, I'm never sure how true it is of their experience or if they are just talking the talk. But it's not my experience at all. Having 2 children has been the best thing I've ever done. I genuinely enjoy it every day, my kids are my favourite company and its made my marriage so much richer and more fulfilled.

I'm mid 30s and quite a way off being stable enough (money and living situation wise) to have a family

Are you male or female? Female fertility decreases drastically at 35.

Agree it’s brutal. I’m only a few months in, there are big moments of joy and happiness but it is unrelenting work and unpaid. I would never have one if I thought there was a reasonable chance I’d end up a single parent with young baby/child. Even being able to give the baby to someone else for 30 mins at the end of the day is essential for my mental health!! Doing it all alone would be hell on earth for me and I think I’d have a breakdown. Also having someone else to share ‘The Worry’ with. I couldn’t have a head full of questions and worry as a single parent. Id absolutely recommend being in a solid solid marriage before you take the plunge and having as much security as you can, If you decide to have a bub xo

I’ll add that I think my opinion is biased as I am in the hardest part where baby can’t communicate yet etc and newborns are so utterly dependent on you - I am sure the load will ease slightly for me in terms of worry when he grows a bit/can move about a bit himself! I long for a 3 year old haha x

'Brutal' doesn't describe my experience of parenthood at all. Childbirth is brutal. Early weeks of having a newborn are pretty tough. Apart from that it's been pretty easy for me. It depends massively on your personal situation, your health and whether your children turn out to have any major health issues or additional needs though.

It is hard work, but so joyful. My DSs are 12 and 10, so I am in the sweet spot years and they make me laugh to the point I can't breathe. They're so funny. My DM only lives a mile up the road and is obsessed with them, she is their third parent. DM has always had them overnight most weeks from the time they were newborns. Just packed them off with bottles of EBM and caught up on sleep. So good support is crucial to take the edge off how hard it can be. I was also lucky enough to be a SAHM for many years so I didn't have the stress of work in the mix.

Childbirth shocked me to my core. I had no idea it would be SO painful. First birth, I just couldn't get the baby out. Labour went on for 20+ hours, tried forceps, he just wouldn't budge. Ended up with an emergency C section. Couldn't walk for weeks afterwards without being in agony. The second birth, I was only in labour for 6 hours - no time for any pain relief and I honestly thought I was going to die. I've no idea why something "natural" would be so painful.

@Mjfdrjjbf

It can be hard work and relentless (and adds in a load more admin) but I think my kids are incredible little people. I’m with *@macaronipenguinn* - my kid who has learning disabilities is also bloody brilliant. Nothing brings joy like a child meeting a milestone when you can’t take it for granted that they will, and knowing just how hard they’ve worked to get there. She makes me laugh and love incredibly hard. She’s brought a whole world of amazing people into my life. Even with the things people immediately imagine with disability - we spend more time in hospital than I’d like, I have to advocate for her more loudly than I’d like, I’d love to take more for granted and I know that being financially secure makes things a whole lot easier - she brings way more to my life than she takes.

I would choose my life with my son every single time over whatever alternative life was offered me. He's made me a better person and I am eternally in his debt for that.