To think having kids is brutal

[Peachypear10]

My impression of raising children is that it's a long, horrible slog where every day for 18+ years is spent sacrificing all your time, energy, money and identity, and being exhausted, stressed, duty bound and miserable. That's generally the impression I get from MN.

I have several friends who have young kids (the kids are mostly all aged around 5 or under). Every single mum is on (or has been on) antidepressants long term, they don't sleep, are frequently ill with bad colds or bugs, are stressed and anxious all the time, and are always struggling financially. They all complain of existing in a non stop, exhausted haze of satisfying their children 24/7, while trying to hold down a job. And also desperately trying to maintain functioning relationships with partners, ex partners, family, friends etc.

I'm mid 30s and quite a way off being stable enough (money and living situation wise) to have a family. Wondering whether to just ditch the idea altogether rather than knocking my pan out over the next few years to set up all the foundations, (affording a home suitable for a family, etc) only in order to have a further soul destroying couple of decades. And especially when children have such a tough time now, need financial support well into adulthood, and the world is basically burning...

I do not recognise your description of parenting. I have one DC aged four years old and every day is wonderful! Not all day every day, but she just bring so much light and happiness and fun to my life (and I had a brilliant life before she was born!). DH and I share the burden, she sleeps well thanks to sleep training, I have time to enjoy my own interests and friends - this is all due to choices I've made, not happy accidents! It's whatever you make it.

All that matters is what you want and how you would feel about it.

I personally do not recognize myself in the description you have given. Yeah I get sick a lot more and when DS was younger than 18 months I didn't sleep well. Apart from that I have a lovely little chap and my life is pretty happy. Of course having children is stressful, but so is doing anything that you care deeply about. My work is stressful because I want to succeed at it, parenting is stressful because I care about doing the best job of it that I can.

Child free here but of an age where in the next year or two I will definitely have to make a decision either way, though I'm not sure either DP or I is cut out for the constant (not necessarily brutal) nature of it. Looking at friends, my view is that three things seem to have an impact on how challenging raising children is: whether the child/children has SEN; family support from parents or siblings; and, crucially, partner/husband support. That could be a very simplified view, but seems to be the difference between family being "brutal" and "hard work", which is what I'd naturally expect with parenting anyway.

Yes, it is hard, especially if you get bad sleepers. However, a lot of the 'brutality' comes from the colossal pressure piled on mums these days. There's reams of articles about how every choice you make will have lifelong impacts for your child, and often there's no clear cut right answer. I'm currently scheduled for a disciplinary* meeting with dd's school because she's had so many exclusionable illnesses this year. Somehow this is my fault and I must explain myself. There is so much I enjoy about my kids, but the crushing ever present responsibility and judgment take a lot of the shine off.
*OK not literally

The vast majority of people who find having kids brutal (aside from those with disabilities etc) and people with shit partners. Having children with the right person is THE most important thing you can do to determine how it will play out for you.

Of course most people think they have picked the right partner and don’t realise otherwise until too late so I’m not saying it’s that simple in practice, but it’s true.

Parenting is a joy with my husband to share it with because I love the bones of him and he gives his everything to me and our family. Watching my kids adore him and him them is my biggest joy. Sorry for the cheese but it’s true. Even on the hard days of tantrums etc. we laugh about it together and that’s what for me makes the difference between miserable drudgery and contented happiness every day.

Have children with someone who is fundamentally kind, gentle, funny, and who doesn’t play football every Saturday and golf every Sunday. You are then significantly more likely to enjoy it. Or just don’t have kids - that’s also a valid choice!

The lockdowns were brutal. Working from home full time with a 2 year old was brutal. Normal times aren’t.

Well exactly and the OP’s friends mostly have under 5s so they did the lockdowns with young kids so maybe this affects the feedback she’s getting?

@konasana

I do not recognise your description of parenting. I have one DC aged four years old and every day is wonderful! Not all day every day, but she just bring so much light and happiness and fun to my life (and I had a brilliant life before she was born!). DH and I share the burden, she sleeps well thanks to sleep training, I have time to enjoy my own interests and friends - this is all due to choices I've made, not happy accidents! It's whatever you make it.

I agree completely. Part of the reason so many posts on Mn make parenting look brutal is because they’re quite committed to a certain style of parenting which requires almost complete submission to the baby/toddler even if it is breaking them.

All the best adventures in life have periods of ups and downs. Having children is like climbing a mountain with the steepest bit at the bottom.

I think sometimes people with kids don't like to gush about the amazing parts of parenthood especially when they are talking to people who don't have kids (in case those people are trying or have infertility issues). My reality is that while it's hard it is the most wonderful thing I've ever done and a love like I've never known. I certainly don't feel like it's brutal.

It’s totally up to you, but quite honestly I love it.
But I only have one. Maybe that helps!

Most of my friends with kids are on anti-depressants, for a variety of reasons. Two of them have partners that do fuck all, so that might be a contributing factor. I have other friends without kids on anti depressants.

The worry is the only thing that gets to me. The constantly having to think about another human all of the time is quite wearing. But he sleeps and eats well and is generally well behaved (at the moment) so that helps!

I wouldn’t have a second because the newborn phase was hideous and I have no desire to do that again.

My DC are over 5- teen and Ya- but lockdown has decimated one of them. I couldn't have predicted it. I laugh at how smug I was when they were 5. Those were the easy years!

Like PPs have said, the person you choose to have children with determines everything about your quality of life. Even beyond the 18+ years of active child rearing.

Girls in particular need to be taught this, OSS the most important lesson we can teach them. choose very, very carefully. You’ll live with the consequences of that decision forever.

*it’s

@Organictangerine

It’s what you make it.

MN is quite full of middle class neuroses around child raising - overanalysing everything, obsessing over schools, worrying about every little thing.

I personally really enjoy parenting, I find my child funny and interesting. Being quite naturally lazy it has been good for me, forcing me to look forward, get my arse out of bed at a reasonable time each day etc. But equally I don’t obsess over a bit of screen time, making sure everything is educational, what primary school she will go to etc.

Obviously none of that applies to parents whose DC have SEN.

It's possible to have a child with SEN and enjoy parenting them.

@TiddleyWink - agree entirely! I am aghast at some of the stuff my friends tell me about their partners, it makes me feel lucky, but I’m not lucky, I just have a husband who recognises his child has two parents and is part of our team. It’s not much to ask really!!!

I absolutely love my children and being a parent and would never ever go back and not have them (baby and toddler currently). It is exhausting and difficult sometimes, and my dh and I don't have the life we had before. But it's also amazing. Every time one of them does something new or gives me a silly smile or a kiss it astounds me and makes everything worth while. I know not everyone feels like this, but lots of us do. Don't get me wrong, there are days I miss my old life, but I'd never go back.

Childfree people still ‘have a family’, reproducing does not = ‘starting a family’.
There’s plenty of online communities for childfree people, not sure asking a mummy website if their lifestyle choice was shit will give a balanced outcome.

I think it’s partly a case of you only hear the negatives on mumsnet, just like if you searched for birth stories you would only hear bad ones because nobody is going to brag about having an easy labour when all the other posters on a thread have shared horrible, traumatic experiences.

I personally love parenting (and had an easy labour, as it happens) and feel the happiest I have ever been, but I try not to shout about it too much, for reasons stated above.

Having a baby has brought me closer to my family and friends, because I actually have more time to socialise than I did when I was working full time, plus they like seeing DS and being involved in his life. It has given me more of a purpose to each day and when I do have days off work I do more to fill my days to keep DS entertained. As a PP has already said, I feel like I could burst with how much I love him, he brings me happiness every single day and I can’t imagine a life without him.

My biggest problem with having kids is the outside opinion/ critique. If I could raise them in a vacuum of me, dh and the kids, we'd be perfectly fine.

But the constant pressure of am I doing enough exists purely because of others.

OP!!.... Yes, the journey is exhausting, relentless, an emotional roller-coaster and hard work.

But .... It is 3 million percent worth it!!!! 💯

I adore my children with every inch of myself. They have given my life meaning. I thought I was happy and fulfilled before children, but honestly since having them I see how amazing being a mum is.

Is it exhausting? Absoluetly Is it the hardest job on the planet? yes..by miles!!!

Is it worth it? YES!!!! YES!!! YES!!

I would do anything for my children because I love them. I have sacrificed my identity, my money, my life because giving them everything completes me. My DH and I are completely on the same page in wanting to put our children first! That is not a hardship. I don't miss new clothes, going out or any other material things. I do it because it makes me happy to see my kids happy.

Being a mum is the single best thing that has ever happened to me and every day I feel so lucky to have 2 wonderful, gorgeous, funny, sweet, clever, empathic and totally fantastic boys in my life.💖

Of course @rayofglasshalfempty I meant the finer details of school, diet etc might be a bit more complicated if they are SEN so ‘chilling out’ about those things might not be an option, if you see what I mean?

I found the first few years hard but have enjoyed my dds once they got to about 3 or 4. I'm still enjoying them now they are 15 and 17

Having my DC has been the furthest thing from brutal I can imagine.

They're 16 and 18 now and I've loved every single day of being a Mum.

I'm actually suffering serious anxiety at the thought of DS going to university. I'll miss him so much 😞

If you can get them to 3 years old without killing them or yourself, it's wonderful. I have never experience a harder 3 years of raising my 2 DD, it was the most exhausting and horrific time for me, and I genuinely have no idea how I coped. They're now 4 & 3, and so funny, kind, caring, affectionate, and can do quite a lot of things for themselves. Once they can communicate well, life does get easier.

I found the first few years busy more than hard, I was lucky and had really good sleepers. The primary school years and onwards have been really enjoyable. Now I have three young adults and seeing them together gives me more pleasure than I thought was possible.