To think having kids is brutal

[Peachypear10]

My impression of raising children is that it's a long, horrible slog where every day for 18+ years is spent sacrificing all your time, energy, money and identity, and being exhausted, stressed, duty bound and miserable. That's generally the impression I get from MN.

I have several friends who have young kids (the kids are mostly all aged around 5 or under). Every single mum is on (or has been on) antidepressants long term, they don't sleep, are frequently ill with bad colds or bugs, are stressed and anxious all the time, and are always struggling financially. They all complain of existing in a non stop, exhausted haze of satisfying their children 24/7, while trying to hold down a job. And also desperately trying to maintain functioning relationships with partners, ex partners, family, friends etc.

I'm mid 30s and quite a way off being stable enough (money and living situation wise) to have a family. Wondering whether to just ditch the idea altogether rather than knocking my pan out over the next few years to set up all the foundations, (affording a home suitable for a family, etc) only in order to have a further soul destroying couple of decades. And especially when children have such a tough time now, need financial support well into adulthood, and the world is basically burning...

I love being a mother and I feel that my life is much more meaningful since my dc came along. Yes it's hard work but I still have time for pointless Facebook scrolls and watching Netflix. Since having DC I have become more focused, organised and I just really enjoy spending time with them. Every day is meaningful because you're doing your best to help another person. I do have to admit that DH and I are financially very secure so we've got a lovely big house and an even lovelier cleaner. We also have no issues with affording childcare or children's activities. DD started sleeping through at 11 months and we had plenty of time for each other in the evenings. Our new baby has obviously disrupted that routine but we're loving cuddling him in the evening after DD has gone to bed.

It's not brutal, you're just flat-out all the time. You don't get to come home from work and just kick back/go to the pub/go to insert hobby. Mornings are a mad rush to childcare or school. But we both love it because children make you laugh every day.

We only have one though, so it's probably a fair bit easier on all fronts.

It is like that, it really is. That is a very accurate description.

But at the same time, it's beautiful. Raising new little humans is beautiful and wonderful and an absolute blessing. They are gorgeous, you will do anything for them, it's love like nothing else. Having kids will teach you more about yourself and other people than you could ever imagine. Sorry to be so cliche'd about it!

It is hard work but anything truly meaningful does tend to be hard.

I love being a parent, the love for your kids is like no other and I feel content ever day. They have changed me for the better. I'm far more organised, well rested cause I'm not out burning the candle at both ends, eat well and center parenting around kindness & understanding as well as creating lasting memories. It helps I have a more than supportive partner who shares in these values and I know single parents who are ultimate power houses when it comes to parenting too.

This is one of the most dramatic OPs I've ever read. It's parenting, yes it's hard but it's also joyful.

It's hard work. But despite having next to no help, I've never touched an antidepressant in my life. I went back to work early instead to avoid all that.
Me and DH travelled extensively before DC came along and led quite a charmed life. At now 19 and 17 I can say my most treasured and memorable moments in life have mostly involved my DC.
A thread asking over 70's the same question would be interesting. I wonder how many would reverse their decision not to have DC if they could turn back time.

It’s hard. But I really don’t identify with your post at all.

I have 2 young children and have just gone back to work after maternity leave. The logistics are difficult sometimes but they are absolutely fabulous.

My boy climbs into bed every morning with us and sometimes he roars like a dinosaur at us, or he comes for huggles (his word😂) and says quietly, I love you mummy. It’s the best feeling.

My baby is absolutely glorious. Yes she’s teething and I’d like a bit more sleep but god she’s amazing.

I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

It is brutal. It calls on you to find reserves of patience, strength and forbearance that you didn’t know you had. It’s also the most humbling and rewarding and most love-generating thing I’ve ever done, and I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. So it’s brutal and wonderful at the same time, not black and white, one or the other. Teaches us to live with the grey!

In my experience a lot depends on your personality before having children. I have two friends on antidepressants and that struggle a lot with their young DC but then they had MH issues before having children. I think if you're already anxious or depressed before children then having kids isn't going to magically cure you.

Personally I'm pretty lazy and would say I'm a laid back parent. So I've never found it "brutal." Yes, it's been hard sometimes but also joyous. I try to go with the flow and not worry about the small things. I think that mindset has helped me enjoy parenting more and see the tough bits for what they are, a phase. My children have brought me more happiness than I ever thought possible and make me howl with laughter most days. I'm incredibly proud of them.

I think your choice of partner is also crucial. If you have a partner that shares the load and is an equal parent then it's so much easier. DH is a great dad and has always done 50% of the work whether that's getting up in the night or ferrying to after school clubs. I can imagine that if you took on all that yourself if would be a lot for one person to cope with.

I love being a mother. The only real thing I struggle with is loving another person so much and and wanting the best for them. This causes anxiety (for me personally) but although it's tough at times the benefits far outweigh any negatives.

Reading some of the mumsnet threads would make you think that no-one enjoys it but it doesn't reflect real life although I'm sure a minority feel like that.

I think it depends on your support network and resources. I'm lacking so team one and done here

Myself and my partner have chosen not to have kids. My best friend has a toddler (my goddaughter), I love her to bits, I'd die for her.
However, since my friend has given birth she's emotionally and physically drained all of the time, a shell of the person she once was. Its hard to watch tbh, we offer to help as much as we can but it doesn't seem to make a dent.
I've never wanted kids really but this was the decider I think.

Depends how much you want it. If your not that bothered don't do it because it is really hard. It does get easier though as they get older and more independent. Although I'm not on antidepressants, I sleep around 8 hrs a night but I'd still like more. I'm financially more than comfortable and only work part time.

I really wanted to be a mum. It is harder than I thought it wld be but it isn't all bad. Mine are 5 and 2 so still need plenty of attention and help. They make me laugh everyday and there's nothing better than cuddles and hearing I love you.

I'd also say @Peachypear10 are you sure that you're not trying to convince yourself that having children is really shit if you're in a situation where you're not able to have them? I can understand that, if it makes you feel better about not having DC but I really don't think most parents would describe having children as brutal. Of course there are difficult bits but there are also incredible bits, and everything in between.

I agree, this is why I decided not to have children. No desire to - I honestly dont see the appeal personally but each to their own.

It's the same as anything though really, isn't it? For example some people love going to the gym and although their workouts can be challenging they find going there easy and fulfilling. Some other people find it really really hard and often struggle but go anyway because for multiple reasons, they want to go the the gym. Other people don't want to go the the gym at all, so don't go and do other things.

I have three children aged 2, 5 and 6. It's no picnic looking after them obviously but I'm not on anti depressants and neither is my husband, we both really enjoy the children. I think a lot of it is to do with your expectations. I just want an ordinary life with a little house and a family and I have that, I'm so lucky, but I knew having these children would be hard and expected nothing else, so I wasn't exactly caught off guard by it. I find my children have given my life a meaning and purpose that I have never found in anything else too, so maybe I just had a bit of a boring life in the first place?

But all these posts show that parenting is a different and unique experience for everyone. Some people struggle a lot, others thrive and most people are somewhere in the middle. But if you don't want kids then don't have them, it's as simple as that.

@grapewines

I'm not having children as stated uptread, but this is beautiful.

But sometimes I feel my heart might actually burst with how much I love DS. His little hugs and word ramblings and excitement when he learns how to do new things. I get to view this world through his little tiny mind every day. In his mind there is nothing wrong with the world, it’s an amazing exciting place and I love that.

It is beautiful. And it's how I feel about my nephew. I don't have children myself and am too old now but my sister in law is more than happy for me to visit / help out whenever I want.

A close bond with a child is very precious whether you are their parent or not.

But the difference with going to the gym is that you can change your mind and start/stop going at any time. Once you've had a baby you can't hand them back!

I've not found it so, but then I have had an easy ride I'll admit. Basically healthy kids, decently sleeping babies, not awful toddlers. No really serious money worries (some rough patches but we always had fallback options) and family near at hand so DH and I could have time together even when the kids were tiny. I think having that wider family support is a huge stress-reliever and I do feel for people who haven't had a night off for years because of lack of money or family help.

I'm pretty hard to guilt and feel fairly confident I'm a good-enough mum and that's all I need to be bit I do see so much pressure piled on mums I'm not surprised many feel really crushed by it.

Parenting altogether is mostly slog, yes - but it's not the years, it's the moments that are so amazing and that make it, I suppose.

As someone who had had a fairly successful career prior to having children, those first few years were extraordinarily difficult for me. I remember being completely gobsmacked in the first few months because DC1 was a terrible sleeper. But I'm a doer and a fixer. So i read the books and did the research and then did the things they books said and....he was still a terrible sleeper. And I couldn't work it out. For the first time in my life, no matter how hard I worked, I couldn't impact the outcome at all.

I appreciate that makes me sound like both a twat and a mug at the same time. But the reality is that while things hadn't always been easy for me, I was used to feeling in control. It took me a LONG time to get over that.

I really think it's similar for a lot of modern women, and that makes the already massive adjustment, harder.

And of course, most women I know, pre kids, assumed that they had a lovely equal relationship etc. But only about half actually find that's true once the DC are here. This is particularly true of the mental load in terms of thinking, planning, organising and, frankly, worrying.

I don't identify with what you describe either. I was ambivalent about becoming a parent but it has given me more positive experiences than I ever could have imagined. I have a wonderful DH and we share the load and life with kids is fun and silly and full of joy. Yes of course they can be little shits sometimes but so can my work colleagues! 🤣

Having SEN kids I’d say yes parenting for me has been absolutely brutal. I’d probably stop at 2 if I knew what I know now.

@Lollipop858

Having SEN kids I’d say yes parenting for me has been absolutely brutal. I’d probably stop at 2 if I knew what I know now.

I now have a SEN kid since the pandemic. It is killing me. I only have 2 and before this did not regret them at all. Now I am on tue fence. Them's the breaks I guess.

i have never heard of, or come across any women , who say having children is brutal, a hard slog, and exhausting and the rest, only on MN. I think a lot of women create lots of problems for themselves in these times., as opposed to child rearing years ago. I only mentioned women here, as I don't know any men, who describe child rearing as brutal and soul destroying and all the rest..

Not entirely true. What about all the joy, fun and love. I found the first couple of years a hard slog (but still many good moments) mainly because of sleep deprivation. Since they've been at primary school (they're now 11 and 9) I've really enjoyed it. Yes it's hard work but for me the good times far outweigh the bad. I've felt happier and calmer since having children. I suppose my life has more of a focus now and my children are just very funny and loving.