To think having kids is brutal

[Peachypear10]

My impression of raising children is that it's a long, horrible slog where every day for 18+ years is spent sacrificing all your time, energy, money and identity, and being exhausted, stressed, duty bound and miserable. That's generally the impression I get from MN.

I have several friends who have young kids (the kids are mostly all aged around 5 or under). Every single mum is on (or has been on) antidepressants long term, they don't sleep, are frequently ill with bad colds or bugs, are stressed and anxious all the time, and are always struggling financially. They all complain of existing in a non stop, exhausted haze of satisfying their children 24/7, while trying to hold down a job. And also desperately trying to maintain functioning relationships with partners, ex partners, family, friends etc.

I'm mid 30s and quite a way off being stable enough (money and living situation wise) to have a family. Wondering whether to just ditch the idea altogether rather than knocking my pan out over the next few years to set up all the foundations, (affording a home suitable for a family, etc) only in order to have a further soul destroying couple of decades. And especially when children have such a tough time now, need financial support well into adulthood, and the world is basically burning...

@RelativePitch

It is hard work, but so joyful. My DSs are 12 and 10, so I am in the sweet spot years and they make me laugh to the point I can't breathe. They're so funny. My DM only lives a mile up the road and is obsessed with them, she is their third parent. DM has always had them overnight most weeks from the time they were newborns. Just packed them off with bottles of EBM and caught up on sleep. So good support is crucial to take the edge off how hard it can be. I was also lucky enough to be a SAHM for many years so I didn't have the stress of work in the mix.

Sometimes parents die, so their being 'crucial' is a fallacy. You just crack on with it.

@TortugaRumCakeQueen had you done much prep beforehand, like hypnobirthing or anything?

@TortugaRumCakeQueen wow you sound like you had a tough time of it. Your first labour sounds a lot like mine. I haven’t had number two but I’d 100% do a C section again to avoid the faff of ‘natural’ birth again.. I found a c sec easier to deal with tbh! Hats off to you for taking the plunge with a second 😅 I’m not there yet!! X

@ChampagneLassie

New mum age 39, writing during night feed. I was put off motherhood for years by generally only hearing the negative stuff, not least from my own mother and not knowing anyone who gave me a role model that I could aspire to. Fast forward and all my friends have children and I've seen the highs too and now I'm blessed with my own. It's harder than I imagined on a practical level but the love I feel for her and sense of satisfaction is unparalleled and I wish I'd done this years ago.

Yes, it probably doesn't help when you've been raised by parents who are negative about it all. My mum was deeply unhappy as a SAHM and my dad told me constantly throughout my childhood, and still to this day, that if he had his time again, he wouldn't have kids. My parents have never raised the topic of grandkids because they don't really want them! Would hate to regret having kids as much as they seem to.

Children are ace. What would I do without mine, sit and watch Netflix all day probably. Anything you want to do, go to the beach, a farm, literally anything you've got a wee friend there who really wants to do it with you. Then you get to cuddle them and love them and watch them grow and help them to learn. My oldest is learning to read and write at the minute and I'm like wow I created him out of nowhere and now he can read and everything. Love it.

If you can't see any positives you don't have to have children. It really is your choice