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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decamp to my parents after birth of second child for a few months without DH?

365 replies

redhillrovers · 12/04/2022 00:33

I'm about 4 weeks away from my due date, and I have a 2 year old DD.

The first time around DH was barely involved with DD's care. In fairness, he does clean, cook and help with everything else, but has literally never done a bedtime, naptime, or bathtime or made a dinner for our toddler.

When she was born I exclusively breastfed and it was all down to me to care for her, when I was at my lowest after so much lack of time for self care I asked him to help me more and he said he'd prefer the help to be non-prescriptive.

He helps a bit more now she's older but I am so worried because of how much I still do for our daughter, that my job will effectively double and the time I have to look after myself will be non existent.

I brought up the thought of my taking our newbown and DD to my parents for a few months (parents are supportive, retired) and DH said he feels like I'm "leaving him and taking the children", but honestly I think it'd only be for a few months while I establish breastfeeding, and have plenty of help with DD who obviously still is very all about mummy and clingy.

I told him I'm worried about how I'll cope and he said he would do more but I'm worried it's just a throw away line and he hasn't actually thought about or committed to much. He hasn't even confirmed if he's going to take two weeks off when the baby is born.

AIBU to go where I know the support is?

OP posts:
RiverSkater · 12/04/2022 00:39

What's the point of him as a husband and father? He helps with the housework and cooking, he'd have to do that as single man!

How have you put up with him? I'm appalled in your behalf😢.

You need to sit down and tell him to step up to the plate, not enable his lazy arse. Why haven't you before now?

Hugasauras · 12/04/2022 00:42

I think it's very sad you have to up and leave for a few months(!) with your children because your husband is so useless. Mine was such a support in those early weeks and I couldn't imagine us not sharing the start of our child's life together like that. YANBU to go if he's a useless lump, but I don't see how you can have a healthy relationship if you need to disappear with the kids with a few months because he's so incapable of looking after them or helping out. It doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live for a future together.

AHungryCaterpillar · 12/04/2022 00:48

Why did you have another if he is so useless then? You knew what he was like by the sounds of it.
You can’t be surprised

Donkeyinamanger · 12/04/2022 00:50

It seems fairly straightforward then. If he wants you and the DC to stay with him then he needs to really step up and be a decent husband and father. How close are your parents? Can you give him a chance but go to your parents if he doesn't support you once the baby has arrived?

user1477249785 · 12/04/2022 00:51

In my experience, when no 2 arrives, you have to divide and conquer. He takes the toddler out while you cluster feed etc. I'd explain the expectations to him now. If he doesn't live up to them, then you should decamp to your parents. But give him a chance to step up first.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 12/04/2022 01:02

@user1477249785

In my experience, when no 2 arrives, you have to divide and conquer. He takes the toddler out while you cluster feed etc. I'd explain the expectations to him now. If he doesn't live up to them, then you should decamp to your parents. But give him a chance to step up first.
Give him a chance? He's had them!

Ok, OP, tell him bollocks to 'the help being non-prescriptive' because that just means it isn't help at all. You want him to start doing half the bedtimes, nap times, dinners and baths for your existing child. Give him two weeks and if he still does nothing then go ahead and move to your parents. The only unreasonable bit would be coming back. He doesn't get to just opt out of parenting and it's embarrassing that he even tries to justify it.

Chloemol · 12/04/2022 01:05

I would sit him down and ask him
1, to confirm he had arranged to have time off when the baby is born
2, that he confirms what tasks he will be doing, including looking after both children to give you some time

  1. What he plans to commit to once he goes back to work

Then as long as you are happy with the responses he gets one chance. The first time he goes back on what’s been agreed you go to your parents for the help he can’t provide

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/04/2022 01:16

"I brought up the thought of my taking our newbown and DD to my parents for a few months (parents are supportive, retired) and DH said he feels like I'm "leaving him and taking the children", "

My reading of your situation is that he really doesn't want to to do anything to support you and his children, but is a bit miffed that you getting that support from your parents shows the world just exactly who he is. He's happy to have you do everything, but wants the world to think he's a normal husband and father (he isn't).

Graphista · 12/04/2022 01:23

Why on earth did you have a 2nd child with him without resolving this first?

There are so many similar threads on mn and I don't understand why women put up with this crap!

If he wants to convince you that you will get the support you NEED that your (JOINT) dc will be cared for by him as well as you he needs to do that NOW

You're 36 Weeks along you should be hardly doing anything!

Time he grew the fuck up and stopped being a lazy half arsed dad or chances are resentment WILL kick in and you will be leaving with the kids permanently and I think you should tell him this!

I ebf dd until she was almost 10 months my ex is a lot of things a lazy arse isn't one of them! He did loads with baby dd and did HIS SHARE of housework and mental load etc (note share NOT "help" it's not your job he's "helping" with - his home and children too!)

you getting that support from your parents shows the world just exactly who he is.

Yep!

Time to read him the riot act actually - and mean it!

Selfish bastard!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/04/2022 01:23

@WhereYouLeftIt has a point.

timeisnotaline · 12/04/2022 01:29

You were a bit silly to have another tbh! But it is absolutely not unreasonable to fuck off to your parents, since I’d be considering fucking off forever. Why hasn’t he confirmed paternity leave? Why don’t you just say if you can’t confirm by the weekend that you are going to be home for two weeks to parent dd and help me recover from giving birth to our baby, I’m done doing anything for you- you can cook your own meals, do your own laundry, I’ll be at my parents for the weekend to plan my long stay when baby is born with people who might not be babies dad but who love me enough to support me.

LagunaBubbles · 12/04/2022 01:30

Did you really expect anything different?

Original poster
redhillrovers · 12/04/2022 01:33

Why did I have another baby? Easy, first was IVF after a loooong time of trying, we had so much trouble I didn't even think another was possible. We were getting back to a happy place when I fell pregnant naturally and unexpectedly.

Am I an idiot? Maybe according to some. But I couldn't say no to having a baby when it took me so much pain and effort to have the first one.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/04/2022 01:37

Oh just realised I haven't answered your AIBU question, @redhillrovers - "AIBU to go where I know the support is?"

No, YANBU. In fact, you would be VERY unreasonable not to. You already know he'll do nothing and you'll burn out. So go to your parents and get their support.

timeisnotaline · 12/04/2022 01:44

Ok, an unexpected natural arrival after ivf makes sense, no one is criticising you keeping the baby. Too often we see posters saying he was useless with dc1, then still useless with dc2 and now we have dc3 on the way, all planned and I’m afraid I can’t do it all on my own… now you just have to be very clear his role in your and the dcs life is optional and up to him - you will be supported with this baby and if it’s not him it will be your parents, this is his choice entirely. If you do go to your parents remember he chose this. ‘You’re taking my family’ - ‘no, you’ve abandoned your family. You’re not here for us, you’re forcing me to go’
I think I’d have brained him with that don’t be proscriptive comment- oh really, why don’t you choose you will help for 10 mins on Thursday after ok and I’ll choose to feed her on Tuesdays and then what? Social services take her in the rest of the week? Caring for children is full time and proscriptive so I hear you say I do not want to be a partner or a father and I’m packing our bags.

mycatisannoying · 12/04/2022 01:52

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but you are a grown woman. Unless you have medical issues, why would you need to go to your parents' for a few months after the birth of your second child? Apologies if I've missed something, but most of us just get on with it.

Saltyquiche · 12/04/2022 01:54

Tell him you’re staying at home is dependant on him having two weeks off and caring for yourself and the two children. You’re more then willing to give it a go but feel reserved after last time.

Whooshaagh · 12/04/2022 02:18

I would ask him how you can be taking his dc when he has never been a parent?
He's a sperm donor.
Look at your wording.
'He helps a bit more now she's older.'
Well give him a medal!

I would move to your parents until the youngest starts school.

Original poster
redhillrovers · 12/04/2022 02:25

@timeisnotaline

Ok, an unexpected natural arrival after ivf makes sense, no one is criticising you keeping the baby. Too often we see posters saying he was useless with dc1, then still useless with dc2 and now we have dc3 on the way, all planned and I’m afraid I can’t do it all on my own… now you just have to be very clear his role in your and the dcs life is optional and up to him - you will be supported with this baby and if it’s not him it will be your parents, this is his choice entirely. If you do go to your parents remember he chose this. ‘You’re taking my family’ - ‘no, you’ve abandoned your family. You’re not here for us, you’re forcing me to go’ I think I’d have brained him with that don’t be proscriptive comment- oh really, why don’t you choose you will help for 10 mins on Thursday after ok and I’ll choose to feed her on Tuesdays and then what? Social services take her in the rest of the week? Caring for children is full time and proscriptive so I hear you say I do not want to be a partner or a father and I’m packing our bags.
Shop is well and truly closed after this one!
OP posts:
IheartJKRowling · 12/04/2022 02:26

@AHungryCaterpillar

Why did you have another if he is so useless then? You knew what he was like by the sounds of it. You can’t be surprised
Absolutely 100% this!

He wasn't interested in parenting his first child and he's not going to be interested in supporting you this time.

If you go to your parents I would seriously consider staying there for good. I have no time for men who think childcare is a optional part of relationship they can just skip because it doesn't suit them.

DailySheetWasher · 12/04/2022 02:26

How do your parents feel about having 3 people move in for a few months, and doing the work your husband should be doing?

Original poster
redhillrovers · 12/04/2022 02:28

@DailySheetWasher

How do your parents feel about having 3 people move in for a few months, and doing the work your husband should be doing?
My parents would be supportive and probably thrilled to have their grandchildren in the house all the time
OP posts:
rolllan · 12/04/2022 02:41

This sounds a lot like my family. Had 3 kids and took a long time for my husband to become like he is now really. Not that he wasn't there if I needed him, but we had such a different idea for the baby stage really. He was always doing his best but in a different way to the mum role. But he supported all my decisions on raising kids to be the mum I am which I love. This was my experience of giving husband a chance to do great, but if I had doubts, then go to mums and don't let anyone near your baby

Borracha · 12/04/2022 03:46

In the local culture where i live, this is normal. The woman and newborn move back home to her parents for around 40 days.

It is totally alien to me and if I was in a position where this seemed like the best idea, I would be seriously rethinking my marriage.

Womencanlift · 12/04/2022 03:55

The problems in your marriage are still going to be there when you return from your parents. You can’t stay there forever and he needs to eventually step up.

You are essentially giving him a free pass to check out of being a parent. That is going to make the problem bigger not smaller long term