Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decamp to my parents after birth of second child for a few months without DH?

365 replies

redhillrovers · 12/04/2022 00:33

I'm about 4 weeks away from my due date, and I have a 2 year old DD.

The first time around DH was barely involved with DD's care. In fairness, he does clean, cook and help with everything else, but has literally never done a bedtime, naptime, or bathtime or made a dinner for our toddler.

When she was born I exclusively breastfed and it was all down to me to care for her, when I was at my lowest after so much lack of time for self care I asked him to help me more and he said he'd prefer the help to be non-prescriptive.

He helps a bit more now she's older but I am so worried because of how much I still do for our daughter, that my job will effectively double and the time I have to look after myself will be non existent.

I brought up the thought of my taking our newbown and DD to my parents for a few months (parents are supportive, retired) and DH said he feels like I'm "leaving him and taking the children", but honestly I think it'd only be for a few months while I establish breastfeeding, and have plenty of help with DD who obviously still is very all about mummy and clingy.

I told him I'm worried about how I'll cope and he said he would do more but I'm worried it's just a throw away line and he hasn't actually thought about or committed to much. He hasn't even confirmed if he's going to take two weeks off when the baby is born.

AIBU to go where I know the support is?

OP posts:
Makeitsoso · 12/04/2022 08:34

Do it. Personally I needed all the help I could get with a baby and toddler. For those who ‘just got on with it’ good for you, but I most certainly didn’t. Hardest time of my life (and I adore my children).

Odoreida · 12/04/2022 08:37

Why doesn't he want to bond with his children???? i just don't understand men like this.

gogohm · 12/04/2022 08:37

I'm with your husband, you are abandoning him. He needs to step up with the toddler a bit but you are making heavy weather of it, second babies are so much easier because you know what you are doing. I had no help and exh worked 11 hour days 6 days a week, it really was ok

FrangipaniBlue · 12/04/2022 08:38

I can't work out if the OP is BU or not.....

At first glance I thought "what a w@nker" leaving his wife to work and do all childcare....

But when I re-read the OPs posts I'm not so sure that's the case.....

If I've got this right, they BOTH work, OP does everything for their toddler but her DH does the cooking and cleaning? In which case that seems fair?

I think the issue is perhaps the way things are divided, because once the baby arrives OPs tasks effectively double while her DHs remain the same.....

Its also timing of WHEN the various tasks need done, clearly when baby comes along OP can't do bathtime/bedtime/nappy changes etc with 2 children at the same time so she needs DH to help when he is home by (as another poster says) dividing and conquering the DC, but that also probably means OP will need to pick up some the household chores during the day while she is on mat leave?

Have you discussed it like this with him OP?

If yes and he's still refusing to budge then I go back to my original sentiment that he's a bit of a w@nker

IncompleteSenten · 12/04/2022 08:41

Not at all.
But him taking care of his child isnt helping you. That implies it's your job and he's doing you a favour. You need to make it clear to him that when he looks after his child, he's simply being a barely competent father not a hero rushing to your aid.

FrangipaniBlue · 12/04/2022 08:41

@Odoreida

Why doesn't he want to bond with his children???? i just don't understand men like this.
Because they want to be seen with the perfect happy little family, ohh look how amazing Disney Dad is!!

but don't actually want to get their hands dirty doing "wimmins work".

LannieDuck · 12/04/2022 08:43

I'd be worried that moving out for 3 months when baby arrives means that he never has any involvement in looking after 2 children at the same time. By the time you come back home, you'll both see childcare, and the baby in particular, as exclusively 'your' job.

How much of the cooking/cleaning does he do? If it's all of it, I think that's a reasonable trade - all the housework for all the childcare.

CaliforniaDrumming · 12/04/2022 08:44

@Makeitsoso

Do it. Personally I needed all the help I could get with a baby and toddler. For those who ‘just got on with it’ good for you, but I most certainly didn’t. Hardest time of my life (and I adore my children).
I found breastfeeding v hard and it was so nice to have my mom teach me how to do it. DH wd have been useless. It was also great to have dad keep DD busy so she didn;t get jealous. DH could have done that, easily, but he only had two weeks off.

Honestly, I don't understand this rigid view on MN that the Anglocentric way is the only way to do things. Gina Ford didn't work for me either. I am very glad I threw her book out of the window and co-slept. Apparently co-sleeping with your kids is a sure fire way to ensure divorce, but bollocks to that as well.

Now that everybody is quaffing turmeric and doing yoga, perhaps in 50 years going to your parents' house for childbirth will be less frowned upon.

billy1966 · 12/04/2022 08:45

Pack your bags and go.

What an absolute selfish waster you are with.

Do whatever you have to do, his feelings don't matter on the subject.

HellonHeels · 12/04/2022 08:46

They are his children too - whether he is hands or not he deserves to be around his children. if your oldest is only 2 presumably you had a year of maternity may even be a STAHM so I don't think it's that unreasonable for all the childcare duties to fall to you especially when you EBF anyway

WTF?

RichTeaRichTea · 12/04/2022 08:48

@gogohm

I'm with your husband, you are abandoning him. He needs to step up with the toddler a bit but you are making heavy weather of it, second babies are so much easier because you know what you are doing. I had no help and exh worked 11 hour days 6 days a week, it really was ok
I did all that in a lockdown and ended up with PND, and my husband wasn’t allowed paternity leave. I’m clearly a more feeble woman than you.
Bollindger · 12/04/2022 08:49

By moving out you will be cutting the bond between your husband, yourself and the children. Leaving him home alone to act like a single man. I don't mean dating. When you do come home he will be even worse than now, because you gave him permission by leaving.
Instead change how he acts.
Do you want to bath baby or feed DD?
You can do this, loads of us have as single parents. But your real choice is stay married or run to parents. Who by the way won't give you the golden life you think they will, also you will find no total alone time will happen at theirs, and your DD can go to preschool soon.

RichTeaRichTea · 12/04/2022 08:50

So much “you have made your bed NOW LIE IN IT even if it means putting your children last” nonsense here

PatientlyWaiting21 · 12/04/2022 08:51

Oh dear, reading your posts sounds like you’re the one who wanted a baby not your DH so it doesn’t come as much surprise he’s not involved.
I’d go to your parents.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/04/2022 08:52

It's a shame that by doing what's best for you and your dc, your dh is getting what he wants - to not have to parent.

Ionlydomassiveones · 12/04/2022 08:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

CaliforniaDrumming · 12/04/2022 08:57

@Ionlydomassiveones

How depressing that it’s ‘common’ in many cultures to exclude fathers from the early part of a child’s life. No wonder there are so many fucked up misogynist cultures when they see bonding with a child as just ‘women’s work’.

Children, particularly girls, thrive with an engaged and hands on dad. Does he want your DC to thrive? Rather than fight or flight, you need to let him know that he has a responsibility as a father to be a good role model and be involved in their upbringing. He is a piss poor husband and father and he needs to know that and step up.

Oh well, I find it terribly depressing that British people have so much distance from their parents, exclude them from their grandchildren, and consider it an invasion of privacy if their parents visit for more than a week. Horses, courses, and all that. But I guess other people from those fucked up misogynist cultures wisely stay off AIBU and confine themselves to Black MN or some such ghetto so as to not listen to this garbage.
Guineapigssweak · 12/04/2022 08:57

Your manage you have to. I had 18 months between my two and managed well enough without rou d the clock help. The dad's need to work to pay the bills so just get on with it instead of complaining. So many young mother's moan and groan these days about having to raise their own children. Honestly being a little tired won't harm you.

Herewegoagain84 · 12/04/2022 08:57

Tbh if you’re going elsewhere because the support isn’t at home, your marriage is over. That should be your main source of support. Why would you put up with him doing no childcare whatsoever? You are essentially leaving him so why not make it permanent? Sounds like it would be easier life for you.

RichTeaRichTea · 12/04/2022 08:57

I think it’s depressing how common the idea is that women should not only be caring for newborns and recovering from birth but also at the same time teaching men how to be decent human beings who put their children first.

IAMGE · 12/04/2022 08:58

@RiverSkater

What's the point of him as a husband and father? He helps with the housework and cooking, he'd have to do that as single man!

How have you put up with him? I'm appalled in your behalf😢.

You need to sit down and tell him to step up to the plate, not enable his lazy arse. Why haven't you before now?

This I see no point to him at all. That’s not parenting.
HELLITHURT · 12/04/2022 08:59

@CaliforniaDrumming

OP, if you are from a "different culture"- you know that one in which children are damaged, parents are resentful and new mothers are useless- take it to another board. You won't get any sense on AIBU.

Amazingly, I did what you are planning to do and have been married 24 years. And not because my DH was useless. Because I wanted to.

But this isn't the case for OP, her husband is useless!
Herewegoagain84 · 12/04/2022 09:00

And ps I wouldn’t be in the least surprised if your H finds himself another life while you’re gone for a few months. He’s already disengaged from the family so an affair somewhere down the line is already inevitable and no doubt your thread on it will be on here in a year or so…

RichTeaRichTea · 12/04/2022 09:02

@Herewegoagain84

And ps I wouldn’t be in the least surprised if your H finds himself another life while you’re gone for a few months. He’s already disengaged from the family so an affair somewhere down the line is already inevitable and no doubt your thread on it will be on here in a year or so…
She doesn’t need to be gone for a couple of months for that to happen, plenty of men have affairs with newborns at home
CaliforniaDrumming · 12/04/2022 09:03

@HELLITHURT as has been repeated on here many times, he does all the cooking, cleaning and everything else. He also works. I find it odd that he does not look after the toddler. Something going on here and as OP hasn;t been back, we don't know what it is.