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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decamp to my parents after birth of second child for a few months without DH?

365 replies

redhillrovers · 12/04/2022 00:33

I'm about 4 weeks away from my due date, and I have a 2 year old DD.

The first time around DH was barely involved with DD's care. In fairness, he does clean, cook and help with everything else, but has literally never done a bedtime, naptime, or bathtime or made a dinner for our toddler.

When she was born I exclusively breastfed and it was all down to me to care for her, when I was at my lowest after so much lack of time for self care I asked him to help me more and he said he'd prefer the help to be non-prescriptive.

He helps a bit more now she's older but I am so worried because of how much I still do for our daughter, that my job will effectively double and the time I have to look after myself will be non existent.

I brought up the thought of my taking our newbown and DD to my parents for a few months (parents are supportive, retired) and DH said he feels like I'm "leaving him and taking the children", but honestly I think it'd only be for a few months while I establish breastfeeding, and have plenty of help with DD who obviously still is very all about mummy and clingy.

I told him I'm worried about how I'll cope and he said he would do more but I'm worried it's just a throw away line and he hasn't actually thought about or committed to much. He hasn't even confirmed if he's going to take two weeks off when the baby is born.

AIBU to go where I know the support is?

OP posts:
LimeSegment · 12/04/2022 06:29

This is very common in many cultures and parents don't see it as a burden.

Presumably OP is not from one of these cultures though, or I'm sure she would have mentioned it and most likely not even made this thread.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 12/04/2022 06:30

In the nicest possible way, why are you having a second baby with this man?

AchillesPoirot · 12/04/2022 06:30

I would just leave him full stop. It’s not going to get any better.

Throughabushbackwards · 12/04/2022 06:32

When you told him that you wanted to go to your parents, did you fully explain that it's purely because he's so useless at supporting you, and that if you don't have help it may break you?

HELLITHURT · 12/04/2022 06:34

@ImplementingTheDennisSystem

In the nicest possible way, why are you having a second baby with this man?
In the nicest possible way, if you used the filter button and read the OPs posts you would know the answer to that.
RantyAunty · 12/04/2022 06:35

I'd go for a month to start with.
You'll have the support you need to get a good start with the new bub. Plus you won't have to worry about catering to the man child and his non - prescriptive ways.

Has he confirmed his leave and started doing more like he said he would?

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 12/04/2022 06:36

Are your parents retired? Could they or just your mum, come to you for a while? Say, the two weeks after paternity leave ends?
Or if they’re not too far away, you could do weeks with your parents and weekends with your husband.
You’re not unreasonable knowing that you will need more support than your H gave you last time and planning for that now.
Will your eldest be continuing with nursery while you’re on mat leave?

Furrbabymama87 · 12/04/2022 06:37

I think it would be the end of the relationship if you did. It's not going to improve matters, it'll make them worse. Even if you do decide to leave him, you'll have to learn to cope yourself instead of running off to your parents for them to look after your baby. I get that husband should be helping out but if he's out the picture, why can't you look after your baby yourself?

CaliforniaDrumming · 12/04/2022 06:39

It's odd that he will clean and cook but not cook a meal for the toddler. Really odd.

RampantIvy · 12/04/2022 06:43

In the nicest possible way, why are you having a second baby with this man?

Please read the OP's updates

MissChanandlerBong80 · 12/04/2022 06:44

@Furrbabymama87

I think it would be the end of the relationship if you did. It's not going to improve matters, it'll make them worse. Even if you do decide to leave him, you'll have to learn to cope yourself instead of running off to your parents for them to look after your baby. I get that husband should be helping out but if he's out the picture, why can't you look after your baby yourself?
I don’t think it’s looking after the baby she’s concerned about, but looking after the baby and toddler simultaneously with no help whatsoever with the toddler.
ChoiceMummy · 12/04/2022 06:45

I am really not the shift of expectations has ever been realistic.

He obviously shares the load in other ways and you carry most of the load of the baby years. And had you not got pregnant, it seems as though you'd have no issue with the current status quo.

I think that yabu to effectively move out. St the end of the day, beyond the odd bit of holding and possibly nappy, babies that are breastfeeding are predominantly with their mother.

As a sahp, it's fairly obvious that when on maternity leave you'll be responsible for both children in the daytime.

I don't really see why self care has to mean you going to your parents. Having a baby is hard work, it's what you have signed up for, especially if breastfeeding.

Again this whole self care expectations is imo a red herring and not realistic in the first few months. But by the time they're 2 to 3 months the tide tends to change. That first period just has to be worked through.

And I say this as a lone parent that did it alone all through.

I wonder if what you really should be planning is for the toddler to still go to nursery, if she attends, have some days out with grandparents and father, so those days, you nap or have a bath when baby is sleeping. That doesn't need you to live elsewhere.

AlternativePerspective · 12/04/2022 06:45

So essentially rather than expecting him to step up you’re absolving him of his parenting responsibilities. You’re saying to him that he doesn’t have to parent because you’ll be moving away so he doesn’t have to.

And how is that going to work wrt your eldest and the baby bonding with his father? Will your DH be allowed visitation? Does the 2 year old just have to put up with seeing daddy once a week or so because you’ve decided to go and live somewhere else?

And you haven’t actually discussed this with your parents but you’re sure they’re going to be delighted to have you-move in with a 2 year old and a newborn and to parent your children with you?

Sorry but this is ridiculous and you clearly haven’t thought this through at all.

I wouldn’t assume your parents will be delighted, in fact I’d imagine they’ll be anything but, but will feel pressurised into having you stay, or alternatively will say no. How would you feel if they said no? Then what?

You need to resolve this with your DH, this isn’t only about you, this is about your DC as well, and essentially splitting up with your h is going to be damaging for your 2 year old. He’s not going to understand that it’s temporary.

RichTeaRichTea · 12/04/2022 06:47

“ whether he is hands or not he deserves to be around his children”

Why? And what do the children deserve?

He has a choice about being “hands-on”. He chooses not to, knowing that their mother won’t let them suffer and will pick up the bits he doesn’t care to do. And in the same way, she won’t let her first child suffer when the second one is born by making sure that there are other adults present who will help care for them properly. Because it’s what they deserve.

Wnkingawalrus · 12/04/2022 06:47

I don’t understand how you can expect things to improve if you take the children to your parents. He will be doing even less then and you’ll be making it even harder for him tk get more involved in their care, especially for your DC1 who will be used to you doing everything.

I think this is one of the reasons why Mums end up continuing to do most is the child care after maternity leave. Everyone has got used to them doing everything whilst on leave and it’s difficult to break out of that.

Cherryblossoms85 · 12/04/2022 06:48

Dunno, isn't that sort of standard? My husband seemed to assume I was the only one who knew what to do so he waited for instructions. I couldn't be arsed and just did it myself. I would say he's got better but these days he won't even read them a bedtime story because he's for so much work on. As if I don't.

ChoiceMummy · 12/04/2022 06:49

@MissChanandlerBong80
I don’t think it’s looking after the baby she’s concerned about, but looking after the baby and toddler simultaneously with no help whatsoever with the toddler.

Thats just parenting though isn't it?
He cleans, cooks and helps with everything else. So it's really not like she will be doing everything herself.

RichTeaRichTea · 12/04/2022 06:51

If it’s just parenting then why can’t he look after his own child? If it’s just part and parcel then why is he excused but not her?

Obelisk · 12/04/2022 06:54

Well, I can see why he feels like you’re leaving him and taking the children- assuming you’re in the UK, it’s not the norm here. But it also doesn’t sound an unreasonable thing to do given his lack of support.

Can’t help but think that this may be step 1 towards you actually leaving him though (maybe no bad thing if he’s as unsupportive as you say).

GettinPiggyWithIt · 12/04/2022 06:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaliforniaDrumming · 12/04/2022 06:57

@AlternativePerspective

So essentially rather than expecting him to step up you’re absolving him of his parenting responsibilities. You’re saying to him that he doesn’t have to parent because you’ll be moving away so he doesn’t have to.

And how is that going to work wrt your eldest and the baby bonding with his father? Will your DH be allowed visitation? Does the 2 year old just have to put up with seeing daddy once a week or so because you’ve decided to go and live somewhere else?

And you haven’t actually discussed this with your parents but you’re sure they’re going to be delighted to have you-move in with a 2 year old and a newborn and to parent your children with you?

Sorry but this is ridiculous and you clearly haven’t thought this through at all.

I wouldn’t assume your parents will be delighted, in fact I’d imagine they’ll be anything but, but will feel pressurised into having you stay, or alternatively will say no. How would you feel if they said no? Then what?

You need to resolve this with your DH, this isn’t only about you, this is about your DC as well, and essentially splitting up with your h is going to be damaging for your 2 year old. He’s not going to understand that it’s temporary.

She said they are supportive. I think it damaging the 2 year old is garbage honestly. Millions of women across the world do this and their 2 year olds are just fine. It's only in the UK that women are supposed to 'learn to cope' and be miserable doing it because having a baby is hard work and you must suffer.
Ratatoo · 12/04/2022 06:57

No, I don't think that's the solution. He's the dad and it's long due time he acted like it. He won't if you ship out.

CaliforniaDrumming · 12/04/2022 06:58

Oh and my dad was a pediatrician. I am sure he would have mentioned if he had seen children traumatised by their mother going home to parents for childbirth.

Starfish1021 · 12/04/2022 06:59

You are in no way being unreasonable to go and stay with your parents. Your husband is a pretty pathetic excuse of a father. I would go to my parents in a heartbeat in this situation. As others have said he is only miffed because it will look bad on him if people know you have gone to your parents. You don’t have to make any major decisions yet, but it will give you a chance to reflect on your marriage. Being surrounded by people who love you unconditionally can make you braver

RichTeaRichTea · 12/04/2022 07:01

@Ratatoo

No, I don't think that's the solution. He's the dad and it's long due time he acted like it. He won't if you ship out.
No guarantee he will if she stays. The only way to guarantee she gets support is if she goes to her parents’. She doesn’t have to provide educational opportunities for him, he is a grown man.