To decamp to my parents after birth of second child for a few months without DH?

[redhillrovers]

I'm about 4 weeks away from my due date, and I have a 2 year old DD.

The first time around DH was barely involved with DD's care. In fairness, he does clean, cook and help with everything else, but has literally never done a bedtime, naptime, or bathtime or made a dinner for our toddler.

When she was born I exclusively breastfed and it was all down to me to care for her, when I was at my lowest after so much lack of time for self care I asked him to help me more and he said he'd prefer the help to be non-prescriptive.

He helps a bit more now she's older but I am so worried because of how much I still do for our daughter, that my job will effectively double and the time I have to look after myself will be non existent.

I brought up the thought of my taking our newbown and DD to my parents for a few months (parents are supportive, retired) and DH said he feels like I'm "leaving him and taking the children", but honestly I think it'd only be for a few months while I establish breastfeeding, and have plenty of help with DD who obviously still is very all about mummy and clingy.

I told him I'm worried about how I'll cope and he said he would do more but I'm worried it's just a throw away line and he hasn't actually thought about or committed to much. He hasn't even confirmed if he's going to take two weeks off when the baby is born.

AIBU to go where I know the support is?

I wouldn’t worry too much about her “poor parents” @PinkSyCo. Most of us love looking after our adult children and our grandchildren.

I love looking after mine, and do so 3 days per week while their parents work. But I would not be happy with my DD just assuming that she and they could move in for months, because she chose to have children with a man that doesn’t like kids.

Mine wouldn’t have to assume. I’d be putting the red carpet out and telling her to LTB.

Mine wouldn’t have to assume. I’d be putting the red carpet out and telling her to LTB.

You can’t tell your grown up children what to do. You sound a bit controlling and a tad infantilising.

Advise then if we’re splitting hairs. You sound a little pedantic.

She's already said her parents would love to have them

@GrannyMack63

“ Wind your neck in. My son's are all great, hands on dad's. Doesn't mean they weren't anxious about handling a tiny baby in the early days. ”

I’m cringing for you. Your expectations of men are so low and you sound so indulgent of your sons.

Do you think women are not anxious about handling a tiny baby? Do you think because a women has a vagina they have some natural affinity with babies and automatically know how to feed them, bathe them, care for them etc etc. No, we don’t but we just get on with it and crack on.

What if your daughter in laws behaved in the same way as your sons?? Poor kids would die of neglect

@PinkSyCo

I wouldn’t worry too much about her “poor parents” @PinkSyCo. Most of us love looking after our adult children and our grandchildren.

I love looking after mine, and do so 3 days per week while their parents work. But I would not be happy with my DD just assuming that she and they could move in for months, because she chose to have children with a man that doesn’t like kids.

Agree with this. The husbands inadequacy isn’t fair on his wife, it’s also not fair on her parents. Who will probably end up slipping into the role he should be having and helping her parent two small kids. Not really what they should have to be doing in their sixties, seventies, eighties, however old they are

Isn't it at all possible that the man who only just tolerates babies and gives little support then becomes the father who is super talented at dealing with teenagers?
This actually made me 🤣 Like it's something you can aspire to.
Yes OP, just let him opt out for the next dozen years and give it a crack when they are teens. WTAF are we teaching out children by modelling this kind of rubbish?

@toogoodforthisworld

“ Get yourself a cleaner. And I promise you that most young mums don't get to shower every day..”

A) that’s bollocks. All the mums I know do shower every day along with doing their hair and makeup if they want to. They do this whilst baby naps, or put baby in their cot, or whilst dad looks after baby if he happens to be around. Having a baby doesn’t mean you surrender your personal hygiene and appearance

B) would you say the same about young dads? Do they not get to shower every day, do you promise that as well? I didn’t think so. You might want to think what my that is.

Lots of ingrained misogyny on this thread

So an update from me. Had a talk to DH, he's fine with it being a few weeks while we have a lot of work done to the house, he also said his work probably won't let him take paternity leave (bollocks) so that the most essential things I need will be off the table.

Talked to my mum, she's having kittens (in a good way) about the prospect of me bringing my babies up.

So have a dig if you will, but it's happening, and everyone is notionally fine with a few weeks / month or two.

No dig

But this isn’t a relationship that has any long term prospects, so brace yourself for when the dust settles

@Blossomtoes

I wouldn’t worry too much about her “poor parents” *@PinkSyCo*. Most of us love looking after our adult children and our grandchildren.

@Blossomtoes

“ Most of us love looking after our adult children and our grandchildren.”

Don’t know why you feel you can speak on behalf of other women, with your “most of us”.

Plenty of women would NOT love to look after their adult children and grandchildren.

For lots of women, they’ve done their time child rearing and are now wanting to enjoy themselves, spend time with their mates, go on holidays or cruises or whatever.

Having their daughter who is in their thirties come live with them for weeks on end with a tantrum prone toddler and a baby who will wake through night etc is not an appealing prospect

Then those women wouldn’t extend an invitation @LuckySantangelo35. OP’s parents have. 🤷‍♀️

@Blossomtoes

Then those women wouldn’t extend an invitation *@LuckySantangelo35*. OP’s parents have. 🤷‍♀️

@Blossomtoes

Maybe they don’t feel they have a choice!

As some other posters have said, they may feel angry towards their daughters husband and know he won’t give support so feel they have no other option but to offer it in lieu of him. When they don’t actually really want their daughter, a toddler and baby living with them. To see them and help out, yes but not live with them!

All I’m saying is, it shouldn’t be automatically assumed that her parents are ok with it. There seems to be a bit of weird assumption on mumsnet that all parents are overjoyed to have their adult offspring just live with them whenever they feel like it, it’s even suggested that they should be grateful that their offspring can bear to spend any time with them!

Talked to my mum, she's having kittens (in a good way) about the prospect of me bringing my babies up.

So have a dig if you will, but it's happening, and everyone is notionally fine with a few weeks / month or two.

Hmm seems weird that your mum is so over the moon about you moving in. The worry about the kind of man you’ve ended up with would negate any joy I felt. That and the concern that your DH would form even less (if that’s possible) of a bond with DC2 than he does with DC1!

I think it’s weird of the mum too. I wouldn’t be overjoyed. I’d be really worried about my daughters future.

Honestly after a sleepless night with DD and tossing and turning due to being oh so pregnant, and the fact I was expected to walk the dog, make meals and not get a chance to nap to recover from the exhaustion broke me a bit.

Coupled with that DH has buggered off to
Yoga every day this week.

Then the revelation that he won't be taking any time off well, I broke down into tears.

So while everyone thinks its easy to go from one baby to two, I think that transition is going to be all the more harder with the clear position on the lack of the support and current behaviour, no thanks.

I had PPD with my first, and if I happen to get it again I am going to need more help.

I would definitely go ! I’m struggling with a supportive dh and toddler and newborn.
I do think you need to reconsider your relationship, however. I wouldn’t carry on with this man. I would also let him know that you’re extremely disappointed in him and looking to end the relationship

@redhillrovers

Honestly after a sleepless night with DD and tossing and turning due to being oh so pregnant, and the fact I was expected to walk the dog, make meals and not get a chance to nap to recover from the exhaustion broke me a bit.

Coupled with that DH has buggered off to
Yoga every day this week.

Then the revelation that he won't be taking any time off well, I broke down into tears.

So while everyone thinks its easy to go from one baby to two, I think that transition is going to be all the more harder with the clear position on the lack of the support and current behaviour, no thanks.

I had PPD with my first, and if I happen to get it again I am going to need more help.

Op

You have a thoroughly shit marriage.

Move to your parents and separate

Because this is going to be a horrible environment for your children to grow up in

Pack enough that you don’t have to go back anytime soon. A man who lies to his extremely pregnant wife that he can’t take maternity leave… where do you go feom that? Something to think through while you struggle through bathing your child as he takes zen breaths at his daily yoga. I want to punch him for you op, but the best answer is just to leave him.

I don't think you are unreasonable to decamp to your parents. But I'd be shouting loud and clear that its because partner is an f'ing useless chump.

@redhillrovers

Honestly after a sleepless night with DD and tossing and turning due to being oh so pregnant, and the fact I was expected to walk the dog, make meals and not get a chance to nap to recover from the exhaustion broke me a bit.

Coupled with that DH has buggered off to
Yoga every day this week.

Then the revelation that he won't be taking any time off well, I broke down into tears.

So while everyone thinks its easy to go from one baby to two, I think that transition is going to be all the more harder with the clear position on the lack of the support and current behaviour, no thanks.

I had PPD with my first, and if I happen to get it again I am going to need more help.

Well he sounds like a piece of shit. If I were you I'd be moving back to the parents and planning the divorce. That's no way to live, for you or your kids.

@redhillrovers

Honestly after a sleepless night with DD and tossing and turning due to being oh so pregnant, and the fact I was expected to walk the dog, make meals and not get a chance to nap to recover from the exhaustion broke me a bit.

Coupled with that DH has buggered off to
Yoga every day this week.

Then the revelation that he won't be taking any time off well, I broke down into tears.

So while everyone thinks its easy to go from one baby to two, I think that transition is going to be all the more harder with the clear position on the lack of the support and current behaviour, no thanks.

I had PPD with my first, and if I happen to get it again I am going to need more help.

What an arsehole. Go to your parents' and don't go back. Get good legal advice too.

But you’re meant to be a team, working together. Did he actually want children?

Have you not discussed what you need from him? Start as you mean to go on. If he doesn’t step up now, when will he?

Leave him op. This man does not care for you.