To decamp to my parents after birth of second child for a few months without DH?

[redhillrovers]

I'm about 4 weeks away from my due date, and I have a 2 year old DD.

The first time around DH was barely involved with DD's care. In fairness, he does clean, cook and help with everything else, but has literally never done a bedtime, naptime, or bathtime or made a dinner for our toddler.

When she was born I exclusively breastfed and it was all down to me to care for her, when I was at my lowest after so much lack of time for self care I asked him to help me more and he said he'd prefer the help to be non-prescriptive.

He helps a bit more now she's older but I am so worried because of how much I still do for our daughter, that my job will effectively double and the time I have to look after myself will be non existent.

I brought up the thought of my taking our newbown and DD to my parents for a few months (parents are supportive, retired) and DH said he feels like I'm "leaving him and taking the children", but honestly I think it'd only be for a few months while I establish breastfeeding, and have plenty of help with DD who obviously still is very all about mummy and clingy.

I told him I'm worried about how I'll cope and he said he would do more but I'm worried it's just a throw away line and he hasn't actually thought about or committed to much. He hasn't even confirmed if he's going to take two weeks off when the baby is born.

AIBU to go where I know the support is?

A few months!!! I can't say that I disagree with him, it must feel as though you're all leaving him, they're his children too and you are supposed to be a team. Give him a chance.

@redhillrovers you said about PPD, do you think there’s a chance you could have perinatal depression now? It sounds like you are having a very hard time of it.

I think like I said before that going to your parents is a good thing and especially so now you’ve revealed the impact pregnancy had on your mental health before.

You need that 24/7 care to support you to prevent any detrimental health outcomes. Only your parents can provide that. Even if your husband took the two weeks it isn’t enough support for you not with 2 kids and potential ppd lurking. Take care of you and let him get on with sorting the work in the house. He will hopefully be more involved than you anticipate.

There are a lot of posts on here being dramatic, saying leave him and promoting enormous disruption in your personal life. You’re about to have a baby. When the dust settles and you’ve had those supportive few weeks to get you through with family then you can begin to negotiate the issues in your relationship. Right now concentrate on having your needs met whatever way you can.

[quote Robinni]@redhillrovers you said about PPD, do you think there’s a chance you could have perinatal depression now? It sounds like you are having a very hard time of it.

I think like I said before that going to your parents is a good thing and especially so now you’ve revealed the impact pregnancy had on your mental health before.

You need that 24/7 care to support you to prevent any detrimental health outcomes. Only your parents can provide that. Even if your husband took the two weeks it isn’t enough support for you not with 2 kids and potential ppd lurking. Take care of you and let him get on with sorting the work in the house. He will hopefully be more involved than you anticipate.

There are a lot of posts on here being dramatic, saying leave him and promoting enormous disruption in your personal life. You’re about to have a baby. When the dust settles and you’ve had those supportive few weeks to get you through with family then you can begin to negotiate the issues in your relationship. Right now concentrate on having your needs met whatever way you can.[/quote]
Definitely not about to leave and disrupt my life that much. I just want more help then I predict I'm going to get from DH.

He's off to a work conference for three days a week before the due date, so if baby comes early he may in all likelihood completely miss the birth. He's new ish in this job 3 months or so, and doesn't think he can "say no" at this point, which also probably explains his rationale in not wanting to push for two weeks off when the baby is born.

Is it an excuse, no f-ing way. But is it something I can do something about without completely flying off the handle and fighting it out? Also no. I honestly don't have it in me to battle this. I just want the baby out and me and my toddler well supported. And I don't think I'm going to get it when I need it.

And yeah, I did have PPD and its likely I have it again, last time was because I was all alone pretty much with the baby, and with covid going on there was no support or help at all from anyone. Husband was it. So I'm a bit scarred from it.

Thanks for the understanding post. Xx

Sorry op you dont have a good marriage

hes not taking leave you do 3 or 4 nights cooking so he doesnt do most of it as you claim and he buggers off to yoga every day

oh i forgot doesnt do anything for your toddler-yo9ure better off alone

@redhillrovers it sounds like DH is feeling quite stressed out too with the new job and trying to manage it with yoga? How did he cope whenever you had PPD, did he discuss his feelings with you, or anyone? Did he have much support and guidance to be able to adequately support you whenever you were ill?

It was very unfortunate timing for you having your first baby in lockdown.
This time it will be different - you are aware you are vulnerable to PPD and are planning ahead for that risk with a good plan giving you round the clock support with both children. You’re realistic about DH’s capabilities and have problem solved deciding to tackle the issues there when you’re in a stronger position (counselling for one or both of you may help with this when the time comes). Most importantly this time there is no lockdown. You will develop a routine and a support network going to mums and tots etc most days. Most mothers I know get up spend 7- 9.30am organising themselves and kids, bit of damage control on house, then they’re out 10-1pm, back for nap time, another shorter afternoon session and then DH is home to do tea. I reckon you’ll develop a good routine and older child will be floating off to nursery and then school by the time the baby is 1-2 so that will be a relief!!

Also the babybjorn balance soft bouncer was a life saver for me at various points in the day allowed me 20 mins as DS was happy to bounce away!

I hope all goes well with the birth and that you have very much more positive experiences this time having a new baby. Take care xx

He needs to step up if you are to have a marriage left. When happens when you return? You'll not cope if used to GP there all the time. Everyone else just gets on with it and shares the load

I hope at some level you do understand that your dh is probably a significant cause in your pnd. I suspectt I’d get it too if he were saying he has to go away and might not make the birth and can’t take paternity leave. I know I’d expect mine to quit his job before accepting any of those scenarios but appreciate we can’t all do that. And that he’s not a good partner and not a good dad.

Op, so glad you've decided to go to your parents! You know what's best for you and where you'll be well supported- after all, it does take a village- you need to find your village and make your way there!

I'm actually pregnant with number 3 at the moment and have had the babies at my parents' (in a completely different country!) because this is very normal in my culture and I knew it would be where I would be best supported!

Do what works for you, and your children! Good luck!

Good decision to go to your parents.
You desperately need support and to protect your MH.

He is a selfish waster.

Take the time with your parents to reflect on your future.

Sort out your contraception while you are at it.

i find this really odd - how do you think single parents cope? They just pull up their big girl pants and crack on. People dont just run off to their parents to help them. You and he are adults you can pull it together. Why even have another if you didnt think you could cope?

Yes it would be nice to have a group of adults to help but in reality do you honestly think that ditching your husband for a few months is really a good idea? It could well be a death nail for the relationship between you and he will loose the bonding time with the kids. It's not even as if you have given him the chance to step up and he failed, you are jumping ship before he has even got a look in.

Also - that is being a mum really, especially a breastfeeding one. We dont really get time in the first few weeks to brush teeth, hair, dress.... I remember the midwife remarking on how shocked she was i was up, dressed, cleaned, baby clean and the house sorted the day after my first was born (honestly - he slept through the night and i was on such a high i couldnt sleep!) by the time i had my second i had to do the school run the day after she was born so didnt even bother sorting myself out til i got back, which by the time she had a feed, i walked the dog, she had another feed, i got coffee, she fed again.... i got my teeth and hair brushed just about time for pick up. That's pretty much how it goes for most mums til the routine settles in. Nap when the kids nap and spend time reading with the first while the second feeds... it's juggling with all balls in the air to be honest. But most dads are out at work all day and we have to hit the ground running.

Stay home, get him to man up and if needed get the parents over to yours to help out for a few days and kick him in the pants with what he should be doing. Also what i did was batch cook meals for the weeks leading up to birth so we had plenty of home cooking in the freezer to whip out when needed, especially for the kiddos. People have twins and way more kids without needing to move out.

@bemusedmoose

i find this really odd - how do you think single parents cope? They just pull up their big girl pants and crack on. People dont just run off to their parents to help them. You and he are adults you can pull it together. Why even have another if you didnt think you could cope?

Yes it would be nice to have a group of adults to help but in reality do you honestly think that ditching your husband for a few months is really a good idea? It could well be a death nail for the relationship between you and he will loose the bonding time with the kids. It's not even as if you have given him the chance to step up and he failed, you are jumping ship before he has even got a look in.

Also - that is being a mum really, especially a breastfeeding one. We dont really get time in the first few weeks to brush teeth, hair, dress.... I remember the midwife remarking on how shocked she was i was up, dressed, cleaned, baby clean and the house sorted the day after my first was born (honestly - he slept through the night and i was on such a high i couldnt sleep!) by the time i had my second i had to do the school run the day after she was born so didnt even bother sorting myself out til i got back, which by the time she had a feed, i walked the dog, she had another feed, i got coffee, she fed again.... i got my teeth and hair brushed just about time for pick up. That's pretty much how it goes for most mums til the routine settles in. Nap when the kids nap and spend time reading with the first while the second feeds... it's juggling with all balls in the air to be honest. But most dads are out at work all day and we have to hit the ground running.

Stay home, get him to man up and if needed get the parents over to yours to help out for a few days and kick him in the pants with what he should be doing. Also what i did was batch cook meals for the weeks leading up to birth so we had plenty of home cooking in the freezer to whip out when needed, especially for the kiddos. People have twins and way more kids without needing to move out.

How does the OP force her husband to "man up" when he's elected not to take paternity leave and would only provide "non-prescriptive help" with their first-born (to the point the OP had to engage a nanny to have a shower in the morning)?

Of course it's true some single mum's cope with multiple children and a newborn without any help. But it's also true some mum's need input from mental health services including mother and baby units. Telling an expectant mother who has struggled previously that she doesn't need support is poor advice.

@bemusedmoose

Good for you, many of us live near family and help each other out, my parents helped when mine were young, I go and water their plants when they are away and do their big food shops, they give me a lift to the airport, I collect them from a train station. It’s called being a family.

It’s not a race to the bottom of who can do it alone with the least help, if you can make lifer easier why wouldn’t you?

Undoubtedly single mothers have it very hard.

Suffering unnecessarily when the stakes are so high seems very silly.

Far better IMO that the OP accepts the help of her loving parents and recovers.

Her husband is a waster, gave no support the first time round and intents to carry on similarly this time.

She needs to mind herself and her MH.

Her two children need one parent well and giving a damn about them.

Sounds like you need a new DH it's so sad you even need to ask for basic help. If you think your parents will be more helpful absolutely go. Will they not question why your DH isn't helping though? How would they honestly feel about having grandchildren move in? Staying for a few days is a novelty. Moving in is a totally different ball game (speaking from experience)

@LovelyIssues

Sounds like you need a new DH it's so sad you even need to ask for basic help. If you think your parents will be more helpful absolutely go. Will they not question why your DH isn't helping though? How would they honestly feel about having grandchildren move in? Staying for a few days is a novelty. Moving in is a totally different ball game (speaking from experience)

They know he doesn't do very much baby stuff. When we visit for a weekend he does do some good show parenting though, change a poo loaded nappy, etc.

But like I said night wakings, sickness, bath times etc comes down to me. He did come into the bath last night when he could see how uncomfortable I was getting sat with DD at 38 weeks pregnant. He lifted her out of the bath and everything 👏 🙄

Of course that was negated by the fact he made a tonne of noise at 9pm waking her up. Which I then had to sort out.

Once the baby is born and the midwife visits are done we're off for however long we need. It might need only be a few weeks. We also have renovations happening at the moment so we'll need to get away from all that noise and dust.