Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decamp to my parents after birth of second child for a few months without DH?

365 replies

redhillrovers · 12/04/2022 00:33

I'm about 4 weeks away from my due date, and I have a 2 year old DD.

The first time around DH was barely involved with DD's care. In fairness, he does clean, cook and help with everything else, but has literally never done a bedtime, naptime, or bathtime or made a dinner for our toddler.

When she was born I exclusively breastfed and it was all down to me to care for her, when I was at my lowest after so much lack of time for self care I asked him to help me more and he said he'd prefer the help to be non-prescriptive.

He helps a bit more now she's older but I am so worried because of how much I still do for our daughter, that my job will effectively double and the time I have to look after myself will be non existent.

I brought up the thought of my taking our newbown and DD to my parents for a few months (parents are supportive, retired) and DH said he feels like I'm "leaving him and taking the children", but honestly I think it'd only be for a few months while I establish breastfeeding, and have plenty of help with DD who obviously still is very all about mummy and clingy.

I told him I'm worried about how I'll cope and he said he would do more but I'm worried it's just a throw away line and he hasn't actually thought about or committed to much. He hasn't even confirmed if he's going to take two weeks off when the baby is born.

AIBU to go where I know the support is?

OP posts:
Heythere13 · 12/04/2022 07:02

When you say he cooks, cleans and does everything else

Does he do ALL cooking and ALL cleaning?

MissMarpleRocks · 12/04/2022 07:02

I moved in with my parents after dc2 was born as Dh had to be away with work. A lot of women do this in my culture or the woman’s DM goes to her. With my first my mum came to me. Is this a possibility for you?

MushMonster · 12/04/2022 07:03

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP!
I would be asking him why he is not involved in his child care? From your first post it sounds as like he helps with the house chores, but he is not acting as a father at all.
Do you know the reason? Is he a bit "scared" of babies? I mean maybe he does not trust his ability to give her a bath, or play with her or handle her or so?
Does he play with her? Or nothing at all?
I think I would ask my parents to move in with me for a few weeks if possible, rather than move to theirs for months. Or maybe move to theirs for a few weeks after the birth during the week and then back home at weekends, if that is his work pattern.
But leaving for months sounds like too much.
He should takehis two weeks of leave. That is out of the question!

User0610134049 · 12/04/2022 07:04

I think if he doesn’t want you to go, he needs to seriously take on board your concerns and put your mind at rest.eg. By showing he can do more now with the toddler as you are tired at the end of your pregnancy, confirming he has time off etc.
It doesn’t sound like he’s made any real effort to address the concerns that have led to you thinking about going to your parents.

My situation with dd2 was that my dh was also a bit rubbish but actually ok when he was there, took dd1 out at the weekend and stuff when dd2 was newborn but because of his work just wasn’t around in the week. Going to my parents wasn’t an option although my mum did come and stay for a week after dh went back to work.

It was really really hard doing it by myself in the week but I kept dd1 in some childcare which was a blessing.

When dc3 came along I paid a lovely 17yo girl who lived nearby to come in a couple of times a week to be an extra pair of hands in the after school to bed time period and managed that way.

JennyForeigner · 12/04/2022 07:05

Ah, 'non-prescriptive'. Like how babies can be told not to have needs on schedule.

All you need is a sort of free-form relaxed jazz baby and he'd be a decent dad.

Shiteshow100 · 12/04/2022 07:05

What the hell would you leave your home for a few months for. This is bizarre tbh. Kick his arse into touch and if he doesn't like it he can leave...

NewtoHolland · 12/04/2022 07:15

How long until baby is due?
Could you make a plan together, surely he understands it's not going to be sustainable for you to always do DDS bedtime so he needs to step up and do alternate eves or at least a few eves a week from now otherwise it's going to be so so tough on her when baby comes if she has only ever been put to bed by you and that suddenly changes. He needs to step up so that you know you can trust him when baby 2 arrives...if not then parents might be good but it might also be quite intense..I love my mum to bits and she's stayed a few days when my husband returned to work with my second and third babies but honestly after 5 days its enough..living full time with your parent you may find that the dynamic is quite different living there with children....also you'll be returning to the same old problem.. possibly doubled because he'll have had a house to himself all that time and not had opportunity to bond with the new baby.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 12/04/2022 07:17

Are you really. sure your parents would be happy caring for you, a newborn and a toddler for "several months"?

That aside, you're basically telling him you're leaving him in a few weeks time and I suspect if you do go, your marriage will be over so I don't think this is a decision to make lightly.

Personally I wouldn't leave my family home
if my marriage was like this - I think you need to stay put with the children and ask him to leave if it doesn't work. Your parents could always come and stay for the odd few days or week to help you out if you need it in the future.

Mamapep · 12/04/2022 07:19

Yes, do it.
It’s normal in a lot of cultures to do this.

oakleaffy · 12/04/2022 07:20

Lunacy to have another with a lazy husband.
A child who is already clingy will be very upset when a usurper cometh!

I only had one DC as husband useless.

Herejustforthisone · 12/04/2022 07:21

I think it sounds lovely to go to your folks’, where you and your babies will be loved and supported. A shame that you have to, but in your shoes is what I would be doing.

Your husband sounds like a selfish twat. I don’t understand a man who doesn’t get involved with his own baby, let alone one who doesn’t want to support his wife after IVF, pregnancy and birth.

SScoobiedoo · 12/04/2022 07:25

Surely he has 4 weeks to learn to o everything for the toddler?

Obelisk · 12/04/2022 07:26

This post has reminded me of a friend who went with her two DC to New Zealand for 6 months leaving her DH at home. When she got back, they announced that they were splitting up, and we were a bit baffled- hadn’t they already split up? And they were baffled at our bafflement- the NZ trip wasn’t them splitting up, it was just my friend taking her children to the other side of the world and not seeing her husband for 6 months, no biggie.

The fact is, happy couples with children don’t tend to spend months apart if they can help it (leaving aside cultures in which this is the norm). If you’re happy to split up, this seems a nice gentle way you do it. But what it won’t do is fix your marriage.

Poppins2016 · 12/04/2022 07:27

@user1477249785

In my experience, when no 2 arrives, you have to divide and conquer. He takes the toddler out while you cluster feed etc. I'd explain the expectations to him now. If he doesn't live up to them, then you should decamp to your parents. But give him a chance to step up first.
This is true...

The shift in dividing time and responsibilities needs to start ASAP, if possible, so that the oldest child doesn't feel pushed out when it suddenly starts happening (when baby arrives).

cptartapp · 12/04/2022 07:28

'Probably thrilled'? What a massive ask of them. You'll be so beholden. It may be normal in many cultures but makes for stress and resentment usually amongst women certainly as parents age and payback is expected. I'm a big believer in paying for outside help and letting families live their own lives.
Odd all round.

HollowTalk · 12/04/2022 07:28

Do you actually want to stay with this man?

SleeplessInEngland · 12/04/2022 07:29

Lots of predictable LTB! responses, as if that would magically solve everything.

I would stay, see how it goes, then decamp to parents if it remains an issue. I’ve known husbands like this before - when child number 2 arrived and mum was out of action they helped out a lot more whether they wanted to or not.

Whatsmyname100 · 12/04/2022 07:29

@AHungryCaterpillar

Why did you have another if he is so useless then? You knew what he was like by the sounds of it. You can’t be surprised
This!
rainbowandglitter · 12/04/2022 07:32

@cptartapp

'Probably thrilled'? What a massive ask of them. You'll be so beholden. It may be normal in many cultures but makes for stress and resentment usually amongst women certainly as parents age and payback is expected. I'm a big believer in paying for outside help and letting families live their own lives. Odd all round.

This.

Ponoka7 · 12/04/2022 07:32

@ChoiceMummy, it isn't just parenting when you are in a two parent family. You made your choice to be a LP, the OP hasn't. Her DH could be taking two weeks off work to lessen the effect of having a newborn on the toddler. He isn't making any plans, his life isn't changing. He isn't supporting his wife. We shouldn't be telling women that they have to do it alone, even within a relationship.

OP go to your parents, if it's the best thing for you. But I'd be having serious conversations with him. Staying with me really opened my DD's eyes to what life should be like with two people pitching in and it helped her end things. The resentment was too much.

NurseBernard · 12/04/2022 07:33

OP.

Come on.

You must realise how absolutely not normal this is?

Do you think everyone is with men as useless as yours?

You can see that other people don’t need to move out and be supported by their parents because their husband/partner is so useless, right……?

CaliforniaDrumming · 12/04/2022 07:34

OP, if you are from a "different culture"- you know that one in which children are damaged, parents are resentful and new mothers are useless- take it to another board. You won't get any sense on AIBU.

Amazingly, I did what you are planning to do and have been married 24 years. And not because my DH was useless. Because I wanted to.

MrsJBaptiste · 12/04/2022 07:36

If you go to your parents for 3 months, I'd say the marriage is over. You'll never get used to being a family - will your elder child even have seen him much?

NurseBernard · 12/04/2022 07:38

@CaliforniaDrumming

OP, if you are from a "different culture"- you know that one in which children are damaged, parents are resentful and new mothers are useless- take it to another board. You won't get any sense on AIBU.

Amazingly, I did what you are planning to do and have been married 24 years. And not because my DH was useless. Because I wanted to.

Great.

The OP’s DH is useless…..?

CaliforniaDrumming · 12/04/2022 07:40

yes he is and she can take it up with him when she returns. She can't be struggling with childbirth, a toddler and a useless DH.

Swipe left for the next trending thread