To decamp to my parents after birth of second child for a few months without DH?

[redhillrovers]

I'm about 4 weeks away from my due date, and I have a 2 year old DD.

The first time around DH was barely involved with DD's care. In fairness, he does clean, cook and help with everything else, but has literally never done a bedtime, naptime, or bathtime or made a dinner for our toddler.

When she was born I exclusively breastfed and it was all down to me to care for her, when I was at my lowest after so much lack of time for self care I asked him to help me more and he said he'd prefer the help to be non-prescriptive.

He helps a bit more now she's older but I am so worried because of how much I still do for our daughter, that my job will effectively double and the time I have to look after myself will be non existent.

I brought up the thought of my taking our newbown and DD to my parents for a few months (parents are supportive, retired) and DH said he feels like I'm "leaving him and taking the children", but honestly I think it'd only be for a few months while I establish breastfeeding, and have plenty of help with DD who obviously still is very all about mummy and clingy.

I told him I'm worried about how I'll cope and he said he would do more but I'm worried it's just a throw away line and he hasn't actually thought about or committed to much. He hasn't even confirmed if he's going to take two weeks off when the baby is born.

AIBU to go where I know the support is?

i personally would say either he steps up now (incl confirming he will take 2 weeks off on paternity) or you will decamp to
your parents and if you end up having to do that then suggest you have a good think about your relationship.

I would say to him - okay but I really struggled with first born, if you do want to do more I suggest we start now with toddler, I require XYZ (don't hold back) - not just basics but some time to yourself to freely bathe as he probably have, as well as a share in bed times, teeth brushing etc around current working patterns

If he can do that, then suggest he book the 2 weeks off, and also that you have a further 2 weeks support if needed from your parents, as long as he is supporting now and in those 2 weeks you won't need the additional time, but put it on him to step up now not at the time

I'd be telling him if he steps now and does everything for the toddler and shows how he can step you will stay provided he keeps it up after baby's arrival and he takes the paternity leave.

Basically put all the responsibility for you remaining on him.

Presumably your parents would come collect you if need be?

That he won't even commit to taking 2 weeks paternity leave would tip it for me.

As long as it really will be OK at your parents; my mum's help lasted 4 days when I had DC2 and she lived fairly locally, so was visiting during the day!

Presumably they live close enough that it won't interrupt your toddler's current childcare arrangements?

I wouldn't normally say this, as it's a case of horse and bolted, but why have you had another child with this man.

As a pp said, he'd have to do his own cooking and cleaning if he lived in his own

Why is he even bothered that you're going away and 'taking the children' when he does nothing with his child, and likely do nothing with the youngest.

I'd say the child needs to bond with the father, but if he won't interact with it then I'd go off to your parents

You could explain all this to him, if he promises it'll be different this time, he can prove it now. He can start to do 50% off all the child rearing, housework, life admin etc when he's at home - it's really easy for him to prove to you he'll help now

I think I’d want confirmation today that he was taking two weeks off and agrees that he will be responsible for your 3 year old and the cooking/housework during those two weeks.

I’d also plan to go stay with your parents for the following two weeks anyway, as a little holiday. Then if he doesn’t pull his weight or won’t confirm the leave, I’d pull my visit forward and go straightaway.

Do it, OP.
You don’t need the stress of having to argue because he’s not doing his part.
Go to your parents and have as much a relaxing time as it can be for a new mum.

Its not fair that your parents have to carry the burden that should be your husband’s but if they’re happy to do it, why not?
If he’s 2 weeks off as paternity leave, can you go after that?

@Obelisk

This post has reminded me of a friend who went with her two DC to New Zealand for 6 months leaving her DH at home. When she got back, they announced that they were splitting up, and we were a bit baffled- hadn’t they already split up? And they were baffled at our bafflement- the NZ trip wasn’t them splitting up, it was just my friend taking her children to the other side of the world and not seeing her husband for 6 months, no biggie.

The fact is, happy couples with children don’t tend to spend months apart if they can help it (leaving aside cultures in which this is the norm). If you’re happy to split up, this seems a nice gentle way you do it. But what it won’t do is fix your marriage.

I have a friend with parents on the other side of the world, she go visit them alone with DC every year for a few months. Her partner doesn’t come cos he has a business to run. They’re a happy family.

However the baby happened you’ve still decided to have a second whilst basically being a single mum. Your DH sounds useless but you chose this!

I can’t imagine wanting to be away from my DH with my children.

He shops, cooks and cleans.

I would tell him that his job as father is to take paternity leave, spend the next 4 weeks getting your Dd used to doing some things with him sometimes; bath, bedtime, weekend lunch etc. Do it with him to begin with.

That’s the deal: if he dies these things you will not need to decamp.

But I can’t see a 3 month de-camp being anything other than very damaging to your marriage and / or his relationship with his kids.

@CarmenThePanda

I can’t imagine wanting to be away from my DH with my children.

He shops, cooks and cleans.

I would tell him that his job as father is to take paternity leave, spend the next 4 weeks getting your Dd used to doing some things with him sometimes; bath, bedtime, weekend lunch etc. Do it with him to begin with.

That’s the deal: if he dies these things you will not need to decamp.

But I can’t see a 3 month de-camp being anything other than very damaging to your marriage and / or his relationship with his kids.

So does her DH, btw. Oddly. It reads to me that he is scared of his toddler.

@Mamapep It’s different if you’re visiting family abroad, I think. I’m thinking more of a scenario where someone just wants to get away.

Have you even asked your parents yet? I don't get why you'd float it as an idea with him when you don't know if they'll even have you, I expect many wouldn't be 'thrilled' no matter how much they love their grandchildren. If both parties agree to such an arrangement then fine, but as he isn't feels unfair. He doesn't sound lazy overall as you say he does do everything else, have you ever spoken to him about why he doesn't feel comfortable doing more with your child?

I don’t think you should decamp. I think you should leave him permanently. What a waste of space.

But it’s also on you that you chose to have another child with him, knowing how useless he was with your first.

Time to make some decisions and get proper access and finances sorted.

I feel so angry and frustrated for you reading this. You need to immediately change your language - it's not "helping" it's parenting! He should be your partner.

My husband is amazing. We both work FT & equally parent. Anything less is unacceptable as we brought 2 DC into the world who deserve 2 committed engaged parents.

I think you need to consider leaving him long-term. Maybe the threat of you going will make him realise how lacking he is.

You are right to be worried but tbh it wasn't very sensible to conceive child#2 before resolving this. I don't think that decamping to your parents is the appropriate resolution either - it's a firm message that you have no expectation of him actually pulling his weight and being a proper partner, and when the chips are down you'd rather rely on your parents than the person who is theoretically your life partner. Whilst that may currently be true, accepting and acting on it rather than trying to change it will be the death sentence for your relationship.

Do what you need to inorder to make your postpartum recovery easier. If your parents are willing to have you, go. I do think you've been daft to have another child with a feckless man but that's just my opinion. I don't see how this can work longterm and why you'd want to stay with someone who doesn't actively parent but it's your life and your choice.

Not an excuse but sometimes you need to tell your partner exactly what they need to do . My husband only had 1 week off when I can my second ( no choice) but I coped . But in the evening we had strict roles of what we each did . And we both knew exactly what they were.

Will have new born twins with a 3 year old- parents are brilliant but moving in with them? That’s a huge invasion of their privacy. Mine are really near and will help do whatever but moving in would be a no no especially if I had a husband.Mine is wary with babies but 2nd time around it’s different. Make a choice , you could combi feed- you say your husband does do other things so he’s not totally hopeless, talk to him, he might surprise you.

I wouldn’t do your plan. You gave all sorts of reasons/excuses why your DH couldn’t step up the first time, you were BF etc but he literally has no such excuses this time with your older child. She is now primed and ready to be parented by her other parent, it is up to him whether he wants to be a parent or not.

I would give him a chance to step up and if he didn’t I would move to your parents then but when I came back to the house it would be to get my ducks in a row to get a divorce. You are not in a relationship of equals and that isn’t really a relationship worth investing in. You honestly could do better than a man child.

@Unsure33

Not an excuse but sometimes you need to tell your partner exactly what they need to do . My husband only had 1 week off when I can my second ( no choice) but I coped . But in the evening we had strict roles of what we each did . And we both knew exactly what they were.

“ he said he'd prefer the help to be non-prescriptive”

So that’s that idea out of the window unfortunately.

I think you need to stay with your partner and give him a chance. I also don’t think it’s fair to decamp to your parents. You’ve decided to gave a family with him so have it WITH him.

This sounds like a difficult situation op. To be honest there isn't enough information for me regarding your husband. When you had your first baby did he try to help? Was he anxious/scared felt out his depth? Was the lines of communication open and strong between you during that time up to now. Did you constantly ask for help, tell him how you were feeling? I wonder if you were maybe overprotective of first born and done everything and maybe he felt under confident so left you to it.

Or was he like how you described and simply didn't give a hoot about your needs, wants and the baby from day one?

I suppose what I am trying to say is maybe over the next few days reflect on your first birth, was he a good birthing partner? Right up to present day. Write a pros and cons list about your husband and his parenting and husband skills. And also what could have happened differently last time that you would want now? This will help give you clear thoughts.

I can sense your anxiety in your posts and your husband's behaviour now doesn't fill me with confidence.

You are pregnant with a toddler and about to give birth. Please don't try to be a hero or put him first. Go to your parents and get the support you need and deserve. The thing with asking him now about how to act when baby arrives is... anyone can agree to anything but not see it through when the time comes. Then you would be left at home recovering but have a massive decision to make about going to your parents. I strongly agree with the previous poster that it sounds like he wants to safe face to everyone. If I were you I would go to your parents and stay for a few weeks/months. You would get support and I think being away from your husband. Clarity on your marriage.

Wishing you all the best 💐

Go to your parents. You are right to put your children before him. While you are at your parents you can both reevaluate your marriage.

* Why did you have another if he is so useless then? You knew what he was like by the sounds of it. You can’t be surprised*

^This. So many women brining more children into a dysfunctional marriage.