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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decamp to my parents after birth of second child for a few months without DH?

365 replies

redhillrovers · 12/04/2022 00:33

I'm about 4 weeks away from my due date, and I have a 2 year old DD.

The first time around DH was barely involved with DD's care. In fairness, he does clean, cook and help with everything else, but has literally never done a bedtime, naptime, or bathtime or made a dinner for our toddler.

When she was born I exclusively breastfed and it was all down to me to care for her, when I was at my lowest after so much lack of time for self care I asked him to help me more and he said he'd prefer the help to be non-prescriptive.

He helps a bit more now she's older but I am so worried because of how much I still do for our daughter, that my job will effectively double and the time I have to look after myself will be non existent.

I brought up the thought of my taking our newbown and DD to my parents for a few months (parents are supportive, retired) and DH said he feels like I'm "leaving him and taking the children", but honestly I think it'd only be for a few months while I establish breastfeeding, and have plenty of help with DD who obviously still is very all about mummy and clingy.

I told him I'm worried about how I'll cope and he said he would do more but I'm worried it's just a throw away line and he hasn't actually thought about or committed to much. He hasn't even confirmed if he's going to take two weeks off when the baby is born.

AIBU to go where I know the support is?

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 12/04/2022 04:00

You are being unreasonable but he also sounds like an absolute idiot.
I would wait until after birth to decide. Personally I found going from 1-2 much easier than from 0-1 and also my DH was far more helpful in that he has a prescribed role which was basically being in charge of everything for the 3 year old plus cooking for everyone.

YukoandHiro · 12/04/2022 04:04

I would also be very sure you've had a proper chat with your parents about it. Mine with heavily involved with DC1 but fine both DCs around stressful and I can really see even a few years difference in terms of their age and energy. We had to spend a month with them during the second lockdown with the whole family as let's just say it was very very hard on us all.

Coolhand2 · 12/04/2022 04:07

You should go away, in Africa we go away for 3 months to our mothers or relative who will help. Usually we don't rely on the man for those few mths. Since I am not there now, my mother came here when I gave birth. The third birth she couldn't come because if covid, so my friend took my older kids for a few days and it was nice just to have the baby and rest. You will definitely need to rest after having your baby.

Marynotsocontrary · 12/04/2022 04:09

I think it's too long to go. It would be better to talk to DH, to put a plan in place and for you to work together on this. You need to do that for the sake of your marriage and family. By all means take a couple of shorter visits at your parents, a week at at time perhaps, and maybe DH could come along for part of the visits...I realise work is an issue too of course. But to leave for a few months is too long. He needs to step up instead.

Monty27 · 12/04/2022 04:10

OP ignore the critical posts because you opted to continue with your natural conception. Congratulations.
My experience in a similar situation was that dhs Idea of being helpful was to go out with PFB in tow for full on days which included any reason he could think of and usually culminated in a McDonald's dinner. I missed PFB so much.
Anyway we separated when the new baby was 18 months old as we weren't on the same sheet ever. It was all about him.

FishFingerSandwiches4Tea · 12/04/2022 04:46

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It says a lot when your parents are more supportive than your supposed life partner doesn't it? I agree with a pp - yanbu to go to your parents but ywbu to go back to him. If he won't support you and his children at such a critical time he's no 'partner' is he? Sad

workingmomlife · 12/04/2022 05:44

@mycatisannoying

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but you are a grown woman. Unless you have medical issues, why would you need to go to your parents' for a few months after the birth of your second child? Apologies if I've missed something, but most of us just get on with it.

Have to agree with this sorry

They are his children too - whether he is hands or not he deserves to be around his children. if your oldest is only 2 presumably you had a year of maternity may even be a STAHM so I don't think it's that unreasonable for all the childcare duties to fall to you especially when you EBF anyway

LimeSegment · 12/04/2022 05:47

I find this a bit strange tbh. Are you sure your parents would be fine with this? My parents are also lovely and supportive and also retired, and love their gc. But if I announced I was moving home for them to take care of me and two dc, because my DH couldn't be arsed...They'd look a bit like this ShockConfused. The very idea would horrify them.

Also not sure how it will help. The newborn part is the easiest part.

Everydayimhuffling · 12/04/2022 05:47

I would give him until the birth to step up and do everything he can for your toddler whenever he is home. I would be making it clear that if he can't then he is forcing me to leave with the children. I would also have to rethink my relationship if he doesn't step up: he's not acting like part of your family.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 12/04/2022 05:49

I wouldn't, it will exacerbate your problems in the long term and the can't see your marriage surviving. I would have full and frank conversations with him that he needs to step up, use counselling if necessary.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Weatherwax13 · 12/04/2022 05:58

Read him the riot act. Major changes need to start right now.
He needs to get into a routine with DC from today so she's used to it before the baby comes.
He won't miraculously step up after the birth so if he can't do this, you'll have your answer.
He agreed to IVF and all that entails and then can't be bothered with his child?
I do wish you well. He's an absolute git IMO

autienotnaughty · 12/04/2022 06:04

I had two older children when I met my dh. Because I was use to being a single parent doing everything and I worked from home somehow I never really noticed how the balance tipped. It wasn't that he did nothing but I was definitely pulling more weight. When ds was born I really noticed, he did have him a few hours in the evening so I could sleep but the majority of it was me. And he was so mardy about it. I decided there and then no more children because when you have two you have to tag team a lot more. There are so many times when both need something and it requires four hands not two. I've worked part time for past four years as I refuse to be work full time, do majority of child raising and housework. So we have a deal dh provides the money and I do most of the rest. We recently got a puppy and he's even struggled with that🙄

LetTheBirdsSing · 12/04/2022 06:05

I think this would be a very large burden to place on your parents. Enjoying spending time with their grandkids is very different to having their adult daughter, a toddler and newborn move in with them. They might find it difficult to say no to you but I don’t think that would be a fair situation to put them in. You’re not in an emergency, crisis situation; I think that you should be taking responsibility for your choices and not expecting your parents to step into the parenting role that your husband has failed to take on. It will be difficult for you if you get minimal help from your husband but it can be done. Plus, I don’t think having a baby and toddler become magically easier a few months in. I think once you’ve moved in with your parents and become reliant on them it’s going to feel very difficult for you to move out again.

I wish you all the best for the arrival of the new baby.

autienotnaughty · 12/04/2022 06:09

Saying that moving out is a big step and you have to think of impact on your dc who is already dealing with one big change of a new sibling for this to coincide with loss of her dad it might be really hard. Could you be clear to dh what stepping up looks like and that you expect it to start now while you are pregnant. Also could grandparents come to you either for the day or take dc out or even stay a few weeks?

hupfpferd · 12/04/2022 06:13

I think by saying "a few months" it probably seems like you are leaving him.

I would start with saying "a few weeks" and then go from there.

Obviously plenty of people parent on their own to more than one child and manage - but why should you?

CaliforniaDrumming · 12/04/2022 06:13

This is very common in many cultures and parents don't see it as a burden. I did it. Marriages survive fine. Not everybody is keen on Western ways of child rearing.

Holly60 · 12/04/2022 06:14

I’m not sure I’d be absolving him of his responsibility like this. How will he learn what it takes to parent if he isn’t there?

I would be having a serious talk, explaining what you will need explicitly. If he can’t commit to that then yes, you need to look elsewhere for support.

Equally if he fails to live up to what he has promised, then would be the time to go to your parents.

MissChanandlerBong80 · 12/04/2022 06:15

@mycatisannoying

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but you are a grown woman. Unless you have medical issues, why would you need to go to your parents' for a few months after the birth of your second child? Apologies if I've missed something, but most of us just get on with it.
Really? Do we? My DH did nearly everything for our toddler while he was on pat leave then when he returned to work still did everything for the toddler in the mornings, evenings and weekends. I couldn’t even lift our toddler for six weeks as I’d had a c-section.

I actually don’t think it’s the norm at all for women to look after a newborn and a toddler with no help whatsoever with the toddler - you must have seriously low standards for your husband.

I actually only know one mother who had to look after a toddler and a baby with zero help from her husband or anyone else. Her older child was absolutely miserable.

AProperStinging · 12/04/2022 06:16

he said he'd prefer the help to be non-prescriptive.

And after he said this, you had sex with him, ever again?

MintJulia · 12/04/2022 06:18

I think moving home to mum would be helpful to you in the short term but won't solve the long term problem that your husband just can't be bothered with his own child.

It would be better to have your mum come to stay and help train your dh to care for his children.

HELLITHURT · 12/04/2022 06:20

he said he'd prefer the help to be non-prescriptive.

What does this even mean? What did he mean by saying this?

In terms of going to your parents for a "few" months, I will assume three? Whilst you say they will "probably" enjoy having their grandchildren, three months is a long time. It is not their responsibility looking after a young child, dealing with night waking with a baby, it is the parents place and these children have two parents that can do that.

If he won't step up, to be honest it would be him that would be moving out as he has no point of being in the family home.

Original poster
redhillrovers · 12/04/2022 06:22

@workingmomlife I had four months of time off, no mat leave as we moved to UK when I was pregnant and had to leave my job. Right job with right pay came up and I basically needed to take it.

Def not a stay at home parent, I earn the larger salary. I was planning on having a year off this time though. So yes I agree that while on mat leave I should be doing more of the child stuff what I'm worried about is that he won't commit if he's even having two weeks off or not, and worried about the past behaviour when I came off mat leave. Coupled with the additional toddler, worried I'll have even less support.

OP posts:
CaliforniaDrumming · 12/04/2022 06:26

I would go to my parents. But you still have a DH problem. Which you will have to sort when you return. If you earn the larger salary he should be doing far, far more.

Orchidflower1 · 12/04/2022 06:27

How would he feel if you said, “I will need you to support me. I’ll give you a chance. If you don’t I’m going to my parents and I won’t be back.”

Does he have family nearby?

HELLITHURT · 12/04/2022 06:28

[quote redhillrovers]@workingmomlife I had four months of time off, no mat leave as we moved to UK when I was pregnant and had to leave my job. Right job with right pay came up and I basically needed to take it.

Def not a stay at home parent, I earn the larger salary. I was planning on having a year off this time though. So yes I agree that while on mat leave I should be doing more of the child stuff what I'm worried about is that he won't commit if he's even having two weeks off or not, and worried about the past behaviour when I came off mat leave. Coupled with the additional toddler, worried I'll have even less support. [/quote]
He won't commit if he's having two weeks off or not? This is just not acceptable! I'd be telling him I was "leaving him and taking the children" if he can't even tell you that!