Husband Drunk For 3 Days At Wedding

[GD12]

AIBU?

So my husband was best man at his friend's wedding. We arrived after a long drive on the Friday at the hotel and left on the Monday.
After we arrived at 8pm he went to meet his friend at the bar and got drunk.
I don't drink so I stayed in the room and he arrived back at midnight.
On the day of the wedding, at the reception he again got really drunk.
On the Sunday he went to meet his friend and new wife and family for lunch and I had a walk around the local town. When I turned up at 6pm again he was drunk and downing the drinks.

I'm not saying he was a bad drunk or did anything wrong when he was drunk, he still sat and talked to me etc but I just feel it was a bit over the score to be drinking so much when I was stone cold sober all weekend and he does change when drunk and it annoys me. I said to him on the Sunday night "did you have to drink so much all weekend" and he said he was enjoying himself and couldn't see what the problem was.

He doesn't get drunk or drink very often, maybe ever 4 or 5 months but when he does he really drinks a lot.

AIBU?

I feel bad for your husband OP, the poor guy was celebrating the occasion with his friends. He doesn't do this regularly, just let him have some fun. You sound quite miserable.

Was sat the day of the wedding? That is typical if so. Does he know how much this bothers you and that you're monitoring him?

Op did you maybe over exaggerate the drinking because the answers weren’t what you wanted?

Eighty percent of adults drink, in the uk, to one extent or the other, so most people on here will know what you are posting is not altogether humanly possible. For someone who rarely drinks to have twenty drinks in an evening, they would be very Ill and very drunk indeed. And saying to the point of hospitalisation is not an exaggeration. He’d be vomiting it up or passing out before the twentieth.

Is it maybe just the case he had a few drinks with his friends, got a bit tipsy, had some fun and you just don’t like him to drink at all?

Blimey, this became polarised very quickly. I think you’re uncomfortable with his level of drinking but feeling that you must be careful not to compare him with your father. But a couple of things stick out for me. You don’t drink but notice he’s drinking two drinks for most people’s one. He seems more drunk than most people. You find social occasions challenging. It appears that his desire to drink takes priority. If he drank less, would you find these events easier? Would you feel he was better able to support you? Would you feel more inclined to attend?

@secretskillrelationships

Blimey, this became polarised very quickly. I think you’re uncomfortable with his level of drinking but feeling that you must be careful not to compare him with your father. But a couple of things stick out for me. You don’t drink but notice he’s drinking two drinks for most people’s one. He seems more drunk than most people. You find social occasions challenging. It appears that his desire to drink takes priority. If he drank less, would you find these events easier? Would you feel he was better able to support you? Would you feel more inclined to attend?

Yes, without a doubt I would. We had a discussion before we went because I've been anxious about the wedding for a few weeks. He promised he wouldn't get absolutely wrecked because its happened before that he's wandered off and sort of disappeared and I've been really uncomfortable and anxious on my own. Mostly he didn't but he was definitely drinking faster than everyone else and was more drunk and "hyper" . I don't tend to go social situations with him because of the anxiety and because I know how he'll get. If he was sober, yes I would be inclined to go all day instead of for a couple of hours but even that would be quite difficult tbh because of the issues I have. I wasn't trying to spoil his fun or not attend but I was also trying to balance the problems I had in going hence going for a couple of hours and not all day on the Sunday.

@GD12

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That sounds relly difficult for you @GD12. If you had posted about your other issues in your first post you might not have had some unhelpful and unsupportive answers on here.

I think @secretskillrelationships has summed it up very well.

Are you sure your husband doesn't drink in between the bingefests?

@RampantIvy

That sounds relly difficult for you *@GD12*. If you had posted about your other issues in your first post you might not have had some unhelpful and unsupportive answers on here.

I think @secretskillrelationships has summed it up very well.

Are you sure your husband doesn't drink in between the bingefests?

No, he really doesn't and I think its probably unfair of me to complain. I'd say at most it's 1 month when on zoom calls to his friend but its more like every 3 or 4 months. When he was younger he was out 3 or 4 nights a week but now he's in his late 30s it has calmed down. I have pretty bad memories of when we first met 12 years ago and being out with him and he was wrecked, It wasn't nice at all. I almost feel now I'm getting older and less able to deal with it (if that makes sense). He has said that he's not doing anything wrong and it's not affecting me and that is right , but I think it is affecting me so it's confusing, I don't want to spoil the event and be controlling but at the same time I have the anxiety and being overwhelmed by the situation.

What would you like to happen then at social events @GD12?
What does he need to do? Not drink at all, be given a drinking allowance? Not leave your side?
Why didn't you go for lunch then, before people were drinking, when you could have sat together?

Are you getting help for your anxiety op? My opinion is this needs to be your responsibility and for you to work on with the medical professionals.

I don’t agree if the man drinks two or three times a year that when he’s a best man at his friends wedding, that he can’t do what he wishes and has to act as your support network.

If he did drink faster and more, (and I really don’t believe that, I think it’s your perception, as he simply absolutely can’t be drinking the quantities you’re saying when he is mainly teetotal the rest of the time), then I’m wondering if the rest of the year he doesn’t drink because of your needs and issues with it.

@MichelleScarn

What would you like to happen then at social events *@GD12*? What does he need to do? Not drink at all, be given a drinking allowance? Not leave your side? Why didn't you go for lunch then, before people were drinking, when you could have sat together?

I'd like for him to pace himself and not cain it, slurring etc. I didn't go to the lunch because I have Aspergers and it causes me a lot of anxiety in social situations and I get overwhelmed quickly. The wedding day was pretty draining and we both agreed that I'd have the afternoon where I went for a walk and read my book before I met them at 6. Everyone was leaving at 8 so that would just be a couple of hours and then we'd go back to the hotel. I didn't know he was going to be so drunk when I arrived at 6, I thought maybe with lunch and the fact it was a day of drinking before he wouldn't be drinking as much.

@michellescarn that is such a good question! What is it you want?

I think from the comments it has been established that the the majority (being the key word) of people don't think he has done anything wrong but given the anxieties and issues etc that you have, I think you need to really think about what it is that you want and decide whether or not YOU think it is reasonable to ask him to change.

I do understand why you have asked on this forum and I do think you are YABU but now is the time to reflect on what you want and how you want him behave bearing in mind, that actually he doesn't actually sound too bad to the majority of people.

You do have to bear in mind that your way of life (i.e. not drinking) isn't for everyone, neither is right or wrong, its a personal choice. Would you want someone forcing alcohol down your throat? Probably not. The other way round to that is why should I be forced not to drink if I don't do anything wrong or harm anyone.

Am sorry op but I don't think you'll be happy unless he stops drinking completely. This was from your op.
I'm not saying he was a bad drunk or did anything wrong when he was drunk, he still sat and talked to me etc but I just feel it was a bit over the score to be drinking so much when I was stone cold sober all weekend
If you will always be stone cold sober, will he always be in the wrong?

[quote roobearbaby]@michellescarn that is such a good question! What is it you want?

I think from the comments it has been established that the the majority (being the key word) of people don't think he has done anything wrong but given the anxieties and issues etc that you have, I think you need to really think about what it is that you want and decide whether or not YOU think it is reasonable to ask him to change.

I do understand why you have asked on this forum and I do think you are YABU but now is the time to reflect on what you want and how you want him behave bearing in mind, that actually he doesn't actually sound too bad to the majority of people.

You do have to bear in mind that your way of life (i.e. not drinking) isn't for everyone, neither is right or wrong, its a personal choice. Would you want someone forcing alcohol down your throat? Probably not. The other way round to that is why should I be forced not to drink if I don't do anything wrong or harm anyone.

[/quote]
Yes, that's fair. I don't think it's reasonable for me to tell him what to do or ask him to change but I think I perhaps should think about the type of person I want to be with(not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with the person he is). I really was trying to get through the weekend without much damage to myself and with him enjoying it without me interfering or being miserable or anything.

I also think you’re being unreasonable and as much as you reconginised that earlier you are now digging your heels in.

He was a big social animal before. He drinks about two or three times a year now. You clearly have some very signficant issues, I don’t mean Asperger’s, but social anxiety and a severe abhorrence of alcohol consumption, that I’m unsure you are taking responsibility for and trying to work on.

If you simply cannot compromise at all and you need to control him all the time and can’t even let him free at his close friends wedding to drink as he pleases, then I think your behaviour is actually unacceptable and selfish.

Relationships are about compromise. It’s not all about one person and their needs Ie you. If he wishes to get drunk and let loose two or three times a year then I think it’s best you jist take yourself off somewhere else for those times and in future do not attend. As this is moving into controlling behaviour. Because the other 360 odd days a year this man is doing what you wish.

I can completely understand how you are feeling, however I too feel like YABU. It’s his best friend who he doesn’t see that often. And this was a weekend for him to completely let loose and celebrate! Heaven knows the last two years hasn’t provided much time for that!

If this was a once off, I don’t see it as a big deal. There’s certain friends I’ve had for years who I don’t get to have girly catch ups with too often but the minute we get to meet up, the wine is flowing and we become as my DH refers to us as, “the cackling trio”! We have a great laugh and the wine flows and ABBA gets sang! You would swear we were 19 again!! (Until the hangover the following morning)

@MichelleScarn

Am sorry op but I don't think you'll be happy unless he stops drinking completely. This was from your op. I'm not saying he was a bad drunk or did anything wrong when he was drunk, he still sat and talked to me etc but I just feel it was a bit over the score to be drinking so much when I was stone cold sober all weekend If you will always be stone cold sober, will he always be in the wrong?

Absolutely not, I've tried to stress that he hasn't done anything wrong and the reason I asked on here because it was a really difficult weekend for me and its confusing. He said it was a great weekend and he really enjoyed himself and I'm happy about that. I could've easily just said I wasn't going and stayed at home but I went and tried to be involved as much as I could.

Honestly it doesn’t read like you’re happy about thay at all, as you’ve posted multiple times that you are far from happy,

I do think it would have been better for you both if you had not went. You could both have done your own thing.

But you do need to get help for your social anxiety and you need to get some therapy to deal with your mental issues around alcohol.

Sorry that should say mental health issues not mental issues,

Unfortunately it's a situation I've seen all too often, non drinkers, esp those who've given up because they had a problem trying to control the drinking of others. I know one couple where the wife exhibits the most hideous petulant behaviour when her husband has one beer because she can't do that because of her behaviour when she does drink. She's also made snarky comments when I've drunk wine recently. I'm not saying the op is like this but it does sound very controlling.

Alcohol can be a bit of a weird deal breaker in relationships. Especially when you meet and are both into partying and then one just decides to stop. It causes an awkward dynamic and alters the dynamics of social groups as well. It's not fair to inflict your abstinence choice on others. DH has pretty much stopped but he leaves me be if I fancy some wine...as he should do

Next time stay at home. Both would've been happier with that I fell.

I understand that it's rubbish being sober when everyone else is drunk. I remember hating it when I was pregnant... though tbh that's because I was jealous - I'm very much a wine person.

However, in this scenario your DH was letting off steam. It does sound like he might not be the best in terms of measuring how much he drinks (though I get the impression you'd still be unhappy even if he had less), which even as someone who does drink I find silly. Binge drinking irritates me because I like to enjoy my booze! But, he's your husband, your equal. He's not there to hold your hand and make sure you're entertained because you don't like the activities. If it's a boozy weekend and you don't want to be in that scenario, don't go.

I knew two teetotals. One was absolutely fine with others boozing. Would sit with us in the pub for hours, threw dinner parties and didn't ban the booze.

Another absolutely hated anyone even having a glass of wine with a meal. She would get so uppity that it would ruin a meal out. No one was allowed to bring wine for her dinner parties, she'd have us all on the tea. We are now not friends. Not because of her sober lifestyle but because of her attitude. More than two glasses of wine and she'd be convinced you were pissed out of your skull, and days out were full of the "what about meeeeeeeee?!" attitude.

I think this is one you need to have a think about. If you're unhappy about something to this extent then maybe it's not the right relationship for you.

Glad he had a nice weekend 😊