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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband Drunk For 3 Days At Wedding

223 replies

GD12 · 11/04/2022 21:04

AIBU?

So my husband was best man at his friend's wedding. We arrived after a long drive on the Friday at the hotel and left on the Monday.
After we arrived at 8pm he went to meet his friend at the bar and got drunk.
I don't drink so I stayed in the room and he arrived back at midnight.
On the day of the wedding, at the reception he again got really drunk.
On the Sunday he went to meet his friend and new wife and family for lunch and I had a walk around the local town. When I turned up at 6pm again he was drunk and downing the drinks.

I'm not saying he was a bad drunk or did anything wrong when he was drunk, he still sat and talked to me etc but I just feel it was a bit over the score to be drinking so much when I was stone cold sober all weekend and he does change when drunk and it annoys me. I said to him on the Sunday night "did you have to drink so much all weekend" and he said he was enjoying himself and couldn't see what the problem was.

He doesn't get drunk or drink very often, maybe ever 4 or 5 months but when he does he really drinks a lot.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Nothingsfine · 12/04/2022 09:15

@LuckySantangelo35 it might be normal for you, that doesn't mean it is for everyone.

HopefulProcrastinator · 12/04/2022 09:17

YANBU there's a weird acceptance in the UK to the over consumption of alcohol. It's not cool, it's tedious and harmful.

What you really need to consider GD12 is...

  • it's highly unlikely your husband only drinks 2 or 3 times a year to be able to consume that much alcohol and tolerate it unless he's a mountain of a man weighing over 20 stone
  • this will get worse, the frequency that he finds it acceptable to drink this way around you will increase and every single time you'll be made to look like the fun police

In the kindest way possible this might be the achilles heel in your relationship. Everything else might be absolutely perfect, but this will insidiously eat away at your affections.

I'm not suggesting LTB from one weekend of 'celebrating' with friends, that would be ridiculous but please think carefully about what you want your life to look like - if children are/will be a part of that and how you want their father to behave around alcohol. Better to make that decision now rather than wait 10 years, have two young children and to be utterly anxious because he's just started another pint.

SleeplessInEngland · 12/04/2022 09:18

"he doesn't get drunk very often, maybe every 4-5 months"

"I'm not saying he was a bad drunk or did anything wrong when he was drunk, he still sat and talked to me etc"

YABVU

worriedatthistime · 12/04/2022 09:20

He enjoyed himself at his friends wedding

worriedatthistime · 12/04/2022 09:22

@greenlynx is not also how the person drinking feels about it, letting his hair down once every 4-5 months
Why does the OP get to tell a grown man he can't do that
Its very different to being an alcohoholic

worriedatthistime · 12/04/2022 09:25

@Dancer47 how judgemental , maybe people find you boring
The OP doesn't get to totally control her dh
She knows he likes a drink occasionally she must of known that before marrying him

Dishwashersaurous · 12/04/2022 09:26
  1. It's really weird to go to a wedding as a plus one and then not socialise. How are you going to get to know his friends if you don't spend any time with them.
  1. If he is really drinking twice or three times what everyone else is drinking. As opposed to the group having a few drinks. Then that is concerning and odd.
FirewomanSam · 12/04/2022 09:30

I can see both sides, OP. I don’t drink but I don’t have a problem socialising with people who do, and I hate the thought of people not inviting me to pubs or parties because they think I’ll just be judging their drinking. So I find your post a little sad - I probably would have joined them for at least a little while on both occasions and then maybe excused myself if people started getting really pissed and being annoying.

At the same time, I’ve had a partner who drinks like a fish and it really is no fun to be around. So I sympathise. I was a drinker at the time but he drank really excessively and he would frequently embarrass me, get into fights, become verbally abusive towards me and usually require putting to bed when I eventually managed to drag him home. It was deeply unattractive and I imagine it would be even more so now that I don’t drink at all myself.

As you say your husband doesn’t do any of the above and was just being a bit annoying, then I don’t think he was terribly unreasonable to enjoy a boozy few days at his friend’s wedding, but the two of you do sound quite… disconnected? As an outsider I’d find it strange if a friend’s wife didn’t want to join us for half the weekend and I’d also find it strange if a husband didn’t seem interested in including his wife at all either.

worriedatthistime · 12/04/2022 09:32

@ThanksItHasPockets exactly , but if they said he had 5/6 wouldn't be quite the same
Lots of people on here who poilce others behaviour though it seems and are very judgemental

worriedatthistime · 12/04/2022 09:35

@OctopusSay yes , i now drink probably every 4/5 months and a couple glasses and I'm tipsy

CoalCraft · 12/04/2022 09:36

YABU

I'm completely teetotal but alcohol is an ordinary part of socialising for most people and it's on me if I choose to alienate myself because of that. I often do sit in pubs with a coke while friends/colleagues drink and why not? Being sober doesn't stop me from enjoying conversation. Sure it can be a bit dull and I wouldn't want to spend every evening that way, but once in a while and especially at a wedding (!) it's fine.

worriedatthistime · 12/04/2022 09:37

@GiantHaystacks2021 he drinks 3/4 times a year , yet you have just diagnosed him as having a drink problem

worriedatthistime · 12/04/2022 09:38

I find judgemental people more hard to tolerate tbh

Catshaveiteasy · 12/04/2022 09:45

You do know that just because people will be drinking at a meal, doesn't mean they all get plastered, don't you? I like to have a drink but avoid overdoing it as I hate getting hangovers. Most of my friends are the same. Some may opt out of drinking at a particular event - the rest of us don't embarrass them though.

And if I was away with my DH I'd always go along with him to any social occasion and vice versa - seems very odd to me that you didn't. We do socialise separately at home, but at an event like that I'd expect us to stay together.

Seems like your background has given you a very skewed view about what soicuslising at a pub might look like. How does your DH feel about you dropping out?

OctopusSay · 12/04/2022 09:51

If he was having to deal with the embarrassment of his wife being decidedly odd over a wedding where he was best man, maybe he drank more than he intended....?

HaveringWavering · 12/04/2022 09:54

Well no wonder you don’t know these friends well if you refuse chances to spend time with them and get to know them better!

Maybe if you had joined him at the lunch he might have reined it in a bit?

You’re kidding yourself if you think that just because he said he was “OK with you not coming” that it was actually OK. This was part of a weekend that was a celebration of a marriage, he was the best man, you weren’t exactly modelling happy coupledom to the newlyweds? A more intimate lunch after the busyness of a big wedding is a nice time to really share in the glow of the occasion.

user1471457751 · 12/04/2022 09:58

Well your actions make no sense at all. You refused to join the lunch because they would all be drinking so instead you chose to join them at 6pm after they've had all afternoon to drink.

You're also clearly exaggerating the amount he had to drink and his behaviour. It's got more extreme every time you've posted. You weren't getting the responses you wanted so now you're changing the story

OctopusSay · 12/04/2022 10:01

@HopefulProcrastinator

YANBU there's a weird acceptance in the UK to the over consumption of alcohol. It's not cool, it's tedious and harmful.

What you really need to consider GD12 is...

  • it's highly unlikely your husband only drinks 2 or 3 times a year to be able to consume that much alcohol and tolerate it unless he's a mountain of a man weighing over 20 stone
  • this will get worse, the frequency that he finds it acceptable to drink this way around you will increase and every single time you'll be made to look like the fun police

In the kindest way possible this might be the achilles heel in your relationship. Everything else might be absolutely perfect, but this will insidiously eat away at your affections.

I'm not suggesting LTB from one weekend of 'celebrating' with friends, that would be ridiculous but please think carefully about what you want your life to look like - if children are/will be a part of that and how you want their father to behave around alcohol. Better to make that decision now rather than wait 10 years, have two young children and to be utterly anxious because he's just started another pint.

Or the far more likely scenario that OP has exaggerated. Afterall, she wasn't there most of the weekend to know what he drank and she says herself he didn't behave badly at all.
TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 12/04/2022 10:16

@MichelleScarn

And what's your opinion of 'too much' my colleague thinks anymore than a glass of wine at dinner is too much!
I had a colleague like that, kept saying a bottle of wine was too much for me to have at lunchtime. I told him to shut up as it was my turn to fly the plane that afternnoon anyway and he could have a nap. Grin
5128gap · 12/04/2022 10:31

@OctopusSay

If he was having to deal with the embarrassment of his wife being decidedly odd over a wedding where he was best man, maybe he drank more than he intended....?
The lengths people will go to to make sure a man is always in the right are quite staggering.
Lynnthesearesexnotgenderpeople · 12/04/2022 10:31

Why didn't you go to the Sunday lunch? That seems quite rude to me?

Also, do you expect him not to get drunk just because you don't drink?

This isn't an everyday occurrence, this is the wedding of a close friend, of course he is going to have a few drinks and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that if he is not drinking all the time.

OctopusSay · 12/04/2022 10:38

@GD12

It's really not that, I was putting myself in his position. I'd be mortified and really uncomfortable if DH refused to join me at a rare social event like this because he was judging mine and my friends' occasional drinking, but you carry on in the certainty that yours is the only view that counts.

5128gap · 12/04/2022 10:46

[quote OctopusSay]@GD12

It's really not that, I was putting myself in his position. I'd be mortified and really uncomfortable if DH refused to join me at a rare social event like this because he was judging mine and my friends' occasional drinking, but you carry on in the certainty that yours is the only view that counts.[/quote]
So why is the view of the drinkers the only one that counts? Just as they aren't wrong to drink, the OP isn't wrong to avoid them drinking. She didn't tell him not to, she didn't sit there with a disapproving face, she just absented herself from a situation she would find tedious and uncomfortable. Why can't the drinkers live and let live like the non drinkers are supposed to? And I do drink, but can't fathom all this judgement of those who don't.

JamSandwich89 · 12/04/2022 10:50

I find this post bizarre.

'I'm not saying he was a bad drunk or did anything wrong when he was drunk, he still sat and talked to me etc but I just feel it was a bit over the score to be drinking so much when I was stone cold sober all weekend and he does change when drunk and it annoys me.'

It's your choice to not drink.
It's his choice to drink.
His drinking wasn't to a damaging/messy level

YABVU.

Also, fair enough if you don't want to be around drunkenness, but surely then you would say hello earlier on then go off when drunkenness ensued, rather than going to say hello later on...? Going later was setting yourself up to be annoyed, no? Hmm

Pebble55 · 12/04/2022 11:07

YABU. What is it with teetotallers?