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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel jealous and irrationally annoyed by this woman's life?

436 replies

WalkingAcrossAFord · 11/04/2022 10:29

Name change for this, as I don't want it linking to my other posts.

I met this woman (my neighbour,) 3 years ago when DH and I moved into this village. DH and I have been to the pub a few times with her and her DH, and she attends 2 of the same village groups as me. She is 2 years younger than me (I'm 52, she is 50,) and she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.

She lives in social housing (nice cottage too, on the edge of the village overlooking fields,) and her DH works part time - 4 days a week in a supermarket, and I just can't fathom how she does is/how they do it. They have a 5 year old car, and a 25 y.o. DD who is getting married in September, and they're giving them £5000 towards the wedding. They have also just booked a holiday to Greece for June!

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? Confused Can't be a pension!

I am actually annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I have another 15 years to work in a job I absolutely loathe. DH and myself don't have a pot to piss in, we have a car that's 20 years old that's held together with sellotape, and our mortgage makes up 45% of our joint salary(s.) DH and I work 45-50 hours a week some weeks, and never get any surplus income because there is always something to pay for, and ALWAYS something going wrong with our bloody house.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right, but I can't get rid of this deep resentment I have for her. She has the best life; finished work in her mid 40s, potters around their huge garden, goes for walks and bike rides, meets up with friends and family/her DD once a week, draws and paints and writes, sunbathes all day (some days) on the lawn in the summer, and sometimes lies in til 10am! I have been at work for 2 hours at that point!

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed by this woman? She seems to have a blessed life, and I don't know how she does it. It CAN'T be an inheritance or big lottery win, otherwise they wouldn't be in social housing would they?

OP posts:
WalkingAcrossAFord · 11/04/2022 10:30

Sorry she is the only one in the 2 groups who retired at 46. (not 45.) (typo!)

OP posts:
LolaButt · 11/04/2022 10:31

I think over extending yourself and comparing your situation to a woman’s who you don’t know the full facts of is foolish.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Georgeskitchen · 11/04/2022 10:32

It could be an inheritance from wealthy parents. Maybe they just like living where they are. It can be a bit annoying if this woman swans around gloating about her "good fortune" but behind the scenes you never know how happy she really is!!

Shinyandnew1 · 11/04/2022 10:33

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks

That was so nosey! What was her job-I expect it had a good pension?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/04/2022 10:34

You don’t get turfed out of social housing if you win the lottery or inherit?

You can feel how you feel but you’re only hurting yourself. Bitching to other people about her good fortune won’t be making you look good. Seriously find a way to get a hold of your resentment or you’ll lose these other friends. Her nice life isn’t making yours worse, there’s no limit to happiness and she’s not doing anything to you.

Fairyliz · 11/04/2022 10:34

Well it could be an inheritance. If you lived in a tiny council flat on a rough estate you would probably use the money to get out. However you describe her home as a nice cottage on the edge of a village, sounds great to me I wouldn’t want to move out.
Perhaps her priorities are different to most people, so instead of using money to buy a house she uses it to have more free time.

CounsellorTroi · 11/04/2022 10:35

Does she appear to spend a lot of money on grooming, clothes, designer stuff?

Antarcticant · 11/04/2022 10:35

What was her job? Some jobs do enable early retirement, usually because they are very demanding - e.g. police, forces.

hassletassle · 11/04/2022 10:36

I also came on to say "comparison is the thief of joy" op. They may have a lot of inheritance, or a canny investment portfolio. It's not the norm for most people to retire at that age. Just put it out of your mind.

pinkBamboo · 11/04/2022 10:36

I'd probably take offence at a random neighbour commenting on my financial situation Hmm
It's quite rude and YABU

Namechangeplease · 11/04/2022 10:38

I mean this in the kindest possible way OP; it’s not especially helpful to compare yourself to the woman, particularly given you don’t really know her. Also, it sounds like you’ve got more stability than her family has, as you have a mortgage and she lives in social housing. The grass isn’t always greener Flowers

To help you change your outlook, could you change an aspect of your current lifestyle e.g. your job, which you mention you don’t really enjoy?

WalkingAcrossAFord · 11/04/2022 10:39

Well, to answer a few questions, her job was working for the local authority, and she doesn't seem to spend anything on fancy clothes or grooming, but she kind of doesn't need to. She is quite attractive, natural blonde, and wears simple polo shirts and jeans and trainers.

I am also puzzled (like another poster) how they stay in social housing if they have go an inheritance or lottery win.

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 11/04/2022 10:39

@Antarcticant

What was her job? Some jobs do enable early retirement, usually because they are very demanding - e.g. police, forces.
But then police officers don’t usually just retire, they go to work in security. A lot of the senior security managers where I used to work were former police.
YoungBritishPissArtist · 11/04/2022 10:39

^I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? confused Can't be a pension!^

This is prying, how she funds her lifestyle is none of your business. Other people will always have more than you. Lots of people have less than you.

Focus on your own life OP.

WalkingAcrossAFord · 11/04/2022 10:40

*got

OP posts:
pictish · 11/04/2022 10:40

Of course Yabu.
Why are you bestowing such negative energy on something that is neither within your control or any of your business?

Live your life. Don’t scrutinise hers. It’s not good for you.

SaggyBlinders · 11/04/2022 10:40

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? confused Can't be a pension!

How nosey!!

She said she has her own income, so she must make money somehow. Not really anyone else's business how she makes it.

Also, how do you know she lives in social housing, if you're her neighbour and have a mortgage?

Seems like you are projecting massively onto her, focus on your own finances.

NurseBernard · 11/04/2022 10:41

You’re probably never going to get to the bottom of it.

Who cares?

Make your peace with it. That’s not a suggestion, by the way. It’s an instruction.

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/04/2022 10:41

I really don’t understand how some people are so wrapped up in the lives of others.

Are you happy with your own life? If not, address that. This woman isn’t going to change it for you.

WalkingAcrossAFord · 11/04/2022 10:41

@Namechangeplease

I mean this in the kindest possible way OP; it’s not especially helpful to compare yourself to the woman, particularly given you don’t really know her. Also, it sounds like you’ve got more stability than her family has, as you have a mortgage and she lives in social housing. The grass isn’t always greener Flowers

To help you change your outlook, could you change an aspect of your current lifestyle e.g. your job, which you mention you don’t really enjoy?

Not being funny, but no WAY does someone with a mortgage have more stability and security in their home that someone in social housing. Shock
OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 11/04/2022 10:42

maybe they have won/inherited enough to stop/reduce working but not enough to buy somewhere

tbh its really none of your business

SalsaLove · 11/04/2022 10:42

This reply has been deleted

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pictish · 11/04/2022 10:42

I’m not surprised she gave your enquiry into her finances the brush off. Why on earth would she explain herself to you?
Good grief.

Alwayspaintyournails · 11/04/2022 10:43

Social housing don’t check your pension pot or savings account!

AllOfUsAreDead · 11/04/2022 10:45

There are people in social housing that shouldn't be. Maybe they don't care about keeping it, plenty don't.

Maybe she paid into a private pension, or has an investment that makes her money since she mentioned an income. Could be inheritance or lottery win.

Who knows, but it's not your concern. Just have to get over it. You'll make yourself look crazy if you keep questioning it, well you already have really.