To feel jealous and irrationally annoyed by this woman's life?

[WalkingAcrossAFord]

Name change for this, as I don't want it linking to my other posts.

I met this woman (my neighbour,) 3 years ago when DH and I moved into this village. DH and I have been to the pub a few times with her and her DH, and she attends 2 of the same village groups as me. She is 2 years younger than me (I'm 52, she is 50,) and she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.

She lives in social housing (nice cottage too, on the edge of the village overlooking fields,) and her DH works part time - 4 days a week in a supermarket, and I just can't fathom how she does is/how they do it. They have a 5 year old car, and a 25 y.o. DD who is getting married in September, and they're giving them £5000 towards the wedding. They have also just booked a holiday to Greece for June!

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? Can't be a pension!

I am actually annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I have another 15 years to work in a job I absolutely loathe. DH and myself don't have a pot to piss in, we have a car that's 20 years old that's held together with sellotape, and our mortgage makes up 45% of our joint salary(s.) DH and I work 45-50 hours a week some weeks, and never get any surplus income because there is always something to pay for, and ALWAYS something going wrong with our bloody house.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right, but I can't get rid of this deep resentment I have for her. She has the best life; finished work in her mid 40s, potters around their huge garden, goes for walks and bike rides, meets up with friends and family/her DD once a week, draws and paints and writes, sunbathes all day (some days) on the lawn in the summer, and sometimes lies in til 10am! I have been at work for 2 hours at that point!

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed by this woman? She seems to have a blessed life, and I don't know how she does it. It CAN'T be an inheritance or big lottery win, otherwise they wouldn't be in social housing would they?

I hope what I say helps you and I'll be really clear to help you understand, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!! I retired in my mid 30's, my dh and I live comfortably, he's self employed working part-time and studying, we've a mortgage, a decent car and are currently doing our house up, I often stay in bed late, I like to potter in the garden and I love to sunbath, I've dogs that I spoil and if my adult son needed monet I'd help him. I know neighbours have wondered how we manage when I don't work but I retired for health reasons, I wanted to continue working but couldn't get a consultant to pass me as fit to work so I lost my very well paid, pensionable state job, I fought this but lost but was 'awarded' a Invalidity pension, there is no way of knowing my health issues by looking at me, I look fine so it puzzles people that I don't work. My pension is a great help but I also invested wisely when I was working so I'm comfortable. I'd rather be healthy but there's no way for an outsider to know and of this. Your neighbour was more polite than me if you'd asked me about my finances, and to ask more than once is incredibly rude.

If their house is nice, and they like it, why wouldn't they stay there after a windfall? They've obviously put down roots there.

Nosing into their financial affairs like you have is a pretty bad look tbh. It's none of your business how they choose to live, and she doesn't have to explain herself to you.

You need to make friends with the local gossips. They’ll have an idea (or two) as to how she funds her lifestyle. You’ll just have to accept the fact they will gossip about you too.

Inheritance??
Lottery win???
A secret and private way of earning money????
Proof reading?? Book editing???
Ebay/vinted seller???
Deep breath OP and leave her to it- you don't know what people's private lives are like......

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s?

She must have a lot more patience than me, because if some random neighbour kept quizzing me about my finances I'd have told them it was none of their bloody business.

Envy her all you want, but it's not her fault you're miserable and she's not. She doesn't have to justify herself to you. What do you want her to do? Make herself worse off just so she can be miserable along with you?

That's something else that bugs me. We are paying multiple 1000s for repairs and maintenance, and if THEY have a repair, she clicks her fingers, and the HA repairmen are out there within a week or two!

Bloody hell, you are seriously bitter.

Wow. You need to “get a life” - seriously. None of this is any of your business.

In life, many people seem to be more fortunate than us. Many many others are far, far less fortunate. All over the world.

Get a grip and listen to yourself. This is the second post like this I’ve read on MN over the last few days - what’s going on??

If you're not happy with your life then that's up to you to change it.

Don’t waste your life feeling bitter and jealous looking over the neighbors fence complaining about what other people have. If you’re not happy the way your own life is do something about it. Life is short and if you genuinely want to be happy you’ll need to learn to appreciate and value what you do have, not what you don’t.

Maybe she’s a female dominatrix? Good money 😉

But really it’s none of your business what she does or how she affords to live the life she does.

Of course it’s not unreasonable to be jealous and I’m sure most of the holier than thou PPs on here probably would be too.

If she makes you feel that bad, or rubs it in your face, cut her off.

Fwiw if it is a massive inheritance or lottery win I think it’s incredibly immoral to keep a council house. That would colour my perception of her more than anything.

Her life has no bearing on how your life is. If she lost all her money and housing your life would be no different. I feel sorry for the poor woman, all this jealousy and anger towards her, she's not responsible for your life choices or situation, and her having less won't improve your life one bit. Jealousy is an ugly emotion, it achieves nothing and won't make you happier, only you can do that.
You need to be looking at how you can change your situation to make you happier. Nothing about your life is affected by how this woman lives hers.
She is obviously happy living on a modest income with small outgoings. cycling, walking sunbathing cost little. the way she lives doesn't sound extravagant, shes just prioritised not working or owning her own home.

Social rents are the cheapest, then it is affordable at 80% of the market rent in the area and then market rent. It is never wise to compare lives (what you see is often nowhere near the reality) and that way madness lies!

I haven’t RTFT yet but I’m wondering if anyone has yet suggested that she does “sex work online”, as some posters suggested recently about a single mum who dared have hair cuts and nice clothes? 🤦‍♀️

I know someone whose life would appear like this, she hasn't worked for years and is late 30s. In her case it's because she inherited a LOT of money when very young, and uses the income from that to live....but her lifestyle is just quite normal really, average 3 bed semi, nice-ish car but nothing fancy. She's not bothered about material things, and prefers to use the money to fund not working rather than having a fancy house or car...in her position I'd do exactly the same tbh. I only know because she volunteers this information quite happily, I'd never ask!

It's really not on to quiz her about her financial circumstances, so rude. MYOB and use the energy you're expending on being jealous of her to improve your own circumstances!

This really is unhealthy. Concentrate on your life and relationships. You really don’t know what goes on in the lives of others . She sounds annoying in the way she tells others how lucky she is and that itself makes me think there’s something not quite right. Surely she’s be keeping quiet.

@FrancescaContini it’s a possibility. People so this.

Hi OP, I get it. I feel the same sometimes about some people I know as they seem to have 2 posh cars, unlimited holidays, lots of free time, always socialising etc etc. It is also clear we don't have any nearby family so haven't got access to free childcare / support and we also have different priorities. You also never really know what someone's financial situation is.

However, I find it very hard to forget they had a lovely time on furlough /didn't have the stress of home school, then got their kids into school as essential workers (even though they weren't) but I try not to think about i and focus on making sure I do what I can to make my life better.

Do

Trying to be generous here, as I can see that you are stressed and trapped by the negative equity situation.

However - please stop digging for details of the source of her income, there is a chance (however remote) that it is the result of compensation for something traumatic that has happened to her or someone very close to her. Both she and those who know her better have told you in various ways that it’s none of your business. Please listen to them.

She is obviously happy living on a modest income with small outgoings. cycling, walking sunbathing cost little. the way she lives doesn't sound extravagant, shes just prioritised not working or owning her own home.

This. She’s obviously happy living a simple life.

She's probably a sex worker and the reason you don't have enough cash is because your husband is using it on her.

Maybe consider becoming a sex worker herself and getting her husband as a client.

I understand too. I'm so jealous of anyone in social housing. Security, cheap rent, rules about living standards etc. If that makes me an awful person then fine I will be awful.

She may put things on credit cards and actually have a lot of debt. You just don't know.

But the real problem is that you're not happy with your life. Is there any way that your could change your job role or reduce your hours? It sounds like you're miserable and that's no way to live.

I think this all stems from the fact that you have an expectation of being superior to the social housing tenants, and that expectation has been thwarted. If she was living in a privately owned mansion, you wouldn't be questioning it, you'd just assume she was lucky to have inherited or something.

It's the fact that she should be inferior to you and have a worse life than you (in your eyes), but somehow she has managed to have a better life than you, that is grating on you.

In other words, you're being a snob.