To feel jealous and irrationally annoyed by this woman's life?

[WalkingAcrossAFord]

Name change for this, as I don't want it linking to my other posts.

I met this woman (my neighbour,) 3 years ago when DH and I moved into this village. DH and I have been to the pub a few times with her and her DH, and she attends 2 of the same village groups as me. She is 2 years younger than me (I'm 52, she is 50,) and she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.

She lives in social housing (nice cottage too, on the edge of the village overlooking fields,) and her DH works part time - 4 days a week in a supermarket, and I just can't fathom how she does is/how they do it. They have a 5 year old car, and a 25 y.o. DD who is getting married in September, and they're giving them £5000 towards the wedding. They have also just booked a holiday to Greece for June!

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? Can't be a pension!

I am actually annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I have another 15 years to work in a job I absolutely loathe. DH and myself don't have a pot to piss in, we have a car that's 20 years old that's held together with sellotape, and our mortgage makes up 45% of our joint salary(s.) DH and I work 45-50 hours a week some weeks, and never get any surplus income because there is always something to pay for, and ALWAYS something going wrong with our bloody house.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right, but I can't get rid of this deep resentment I have for her. She has the best life; finished work in her mid 40s, potters around their huge garden, goes for walks and bike rides, meets up with friends and family/her DD once a week, draws and paints and writes, sunbathes all day (some days) on the lawn in the summer, and sometimes lies in til 10am! I have been at work for 2 hours at that point!

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed by this woman? She seems to have a blessed life, and I don't know how she does it. It CAN'T be an inheritance or big lottery win, otherwise they wouldn't be in social housing would they?

You need to stop this before you lose her as a friend.

NO more comments about 'you must be good with money' - they are obviously intended to ask the question you did eventually ask up front. It is nosy, intrusive and reflects badly on you.

So what if they are in SH - you will own your house and have something to pass on to your Dc or from which to release equity to enjoy your eventual retirement etc.

Concentrate on YOUR life, and if you enjoy it being friends with her rather than picking her life apart.

I completely understand how you feel! It would be different if she wasn’t in social housing. If she’s wealthy enough to retire 20 years early, how come she hasn’t used her funds to free up a social house for someone who really needs it?

If local government job she may have got retirement on health grounds and would then maybe get PIP. I know someone who got sickness retirement from civil service for ME and now plays a lot of golf so who knows. Its really no ones business.

You are not being unreasonable for how you feel. Life is not fair, and sometimes it just seems like someone gets all the breaks. I know the feeling. You can't help how you feel. Your feelings are normal. It hurts when you have to struggle like buggery and you see someone else living such a blissfully easy life. It really stings. YANBU.

Lots of ways she could receive an income
Inheritance
Trust fund
Compensation for something
Matched betting
Only Fans

You are paying for your own housing which is a massive chunk of your income. She lives in subsidised cheap housing, which once given, is never taken away, even if people come into money. (Is that fair in the scheme of things? Not really)

They got that house by meeting, or lying in order to meet, the qualifying conditions of the particular housing association at that time. I used to see this all the time in my last job, where I saw that there were quite a lot of well-off people living in housing subsidised by the tax payer. Sometime is was really quite eyebrow raising, with so many homeless. You do wonder.

Also, you have to pay for repairs to you property as they arise - she doesn't as the HA will do that free.

To be honest OP, you are lucky she still tolerates you. After two 'oh so disingenuous' comments about money and then asking her outright I would probably be avoiding you.

Work on your own discontentment as her life is none of your business.

I've let jealousy get the better of me on a number of occasions, always work related. I would be mad at someone I thought didn't deserve a certain title had it, usually due to joining the company at a certain time, or due to having connections within the company which allowed them to join at a higher grade than (in my opinion) they were quantified for.

It's not very healthy to be honest, my solution was to get a new job. Not really sure what your solution should be, but you should try to get jealousy out of your head.

Sorry OP but YABU. I think you should stop pryingm

It sounds like this woman and her husband are simply happy and content with quite a modest life. I was expecting to read that she has a lavish wardrobe, new cars and far flung holidays. A trip to Greece or Spain can be very affordable, 5k isn't an enormous amount for a wedding these days if they've lived sensibly and saved over the years, she doesn't sound like she spends a fortune on her wardrobe or appearance and she takes pleasure in simple interests such as gardening or sunbathing.

Maybe this is the point, rather than wondering where her income comes from. She might just be very good at cutting her cloth and making the best of it.

Alternatively, she might have had an inheritance or premium bonds win, she might have some income from, I don't know, online poker or a family property she has a share in. She could have retired on ill health but not want everyone to know. The point is there are loads of possibilities or combinations thereof. None of them that exciting or your business. Also, none of these could be the case.

None of this would necessarily mean losing the HA cottage.

Either way, I'm afraid it's a bit unedifying prodding her about her financial business and attempting to gossip with others, especially when it doesn't sound like she is funding a remarkably lavish lifestyle.

You don’t have to leave your social housing property if you have come into money. If you have an assured tenancy and if she has lived there for a long time she probably does then it is pretty much a tenancy for life.

There could be so many reasons as to why she does not need to work. It’s not healthy to compare your life to hers and it is none of your business.

Please don’t let this eat away at you - I had my ‘private income’ at 36 and seemed to everyone that I had it all…
However that income was from my DH passing away at a young age from cancer leaving me and DS (15) totally heartbroken. I would have given every single penny back, just to have that lovely lovely man back with us!!
We were absolutely broken by what happened and yet to many people I was wealthy with no visible means of income, much like this lady. She may have suffered the same as I did in her younger years or received compensation for something. Please don’t judge or envy as you never really know what has gone on in peoples lives.
Enjoy each day for what it is, find joy in little things and give your loved ones an extra hug, you never know what’s round the corner. X

Why don't you turn things on their head op.

When your mortgage is paid off, she and her dh will still be paying rent.

When you retire in 15 years you are likely to have a full state and occupational pension.

If, God forbid, anything happens to your dh in the next five years you will have a life outside your home.

If you hate your job then do so.ething about it: retrain, change sectors, etc.

Look around you at the sky, trees, grass, flowers, warmth of the sun on your skin, the brittle beauty of a frost or brilliance of fallen snow, when it rains, look for a rainbow. Be glad for all of that and love.

Worry about what you have not what others have. Bitterness is very aging, it shows on the face.

@Dancer47 and everyone else who regularly carps on about this:
SOCIAL HOUSING IS NOT SUBSIDISED BY THE TAXPAYER.

The lower rents reflect to difference between fair rents and those charged by private landlords in the commercial sector.

I am NOT happy with my life.

@WalkingAcrossAFord that’s your issue, not this woman’s lifestyle and financial situation.

Focus on what you can do to improve your lot. You have fallen into the trap of feeling like you have no control or agency here.

There’s a lot of information and advice online about managing your finances and debt, and organisations that support people with this.

Allowing yourself to be consumed by envy will only lead you to be more unhappy.

Turn it around, see if this can be a positive motivator, easier said than done I know.

Focus on your own life and how to gradually reduce some of those pressures, and in time to be closer to what you want.

There’s so much pressure on us to have this or that, and our status or popularity. It’s toxic, and it’s hard not to get dragged into it.

Well, I think envy is a human emotion and I can understand it.

But your interest in her circumstances comes across as quite unhealthy and obsessive. It really isn't any of your business and I think you should focus on your own life.

My main point is that you've explained yourself how she has a few bigger expenditures such as a lump sum for her daughter's wedding and a holiday, but generally her outgoings are low, husband
works as did she for 30 years and she has an income of some sort hence the books balance. I really think you shouldn't give this any more thought.

Some harsh comments!

@WalkingAcrossAFord

Well, to answer a few questions, her job was working for the local authority, and she doesn't seem to spend anything on fancy clothes or grooming, but she kind of doesn't need to. She is quite attractive, natural blonde, and wears simple polo shirts and jeans and trainers.

I am also puzzled (like another poster) how they stay in social housing if they have go an inheritance or lottery win.

But you don't get evicted from social housing for lottery win /inheritance...

Every so often someone comments on someone who is in SH who has a job paying 6 figures

Bloody hell, I’m glad you’re not my ‘friend’.

[quote CarmenThePanda]@Dancer47 and everyone else who regularly carps on about this:
SOCIAL HOUSING IS NOT SUBSIDISED BY THE TAXPAYER.

The lower rents reflect to difference between fair rents and those charged by private landlords in the commercial sector.[/quote]
@CarmenThePanda You forget free repairs, free boilers, free etc etc. Who do you think pays for that, if not the taxpayer?

On my goodness OP. Jealousy and resentment will eat you up and make you ugly inside. Look to your own life and address whatever is making you so spiteful.

It's the social housing bit that pisses me off, we are always seeing people on here struggling in property too small for them and no chance of moving on. Sadly though thems the rules so please don't let it eat you up OP.

What you have to remember is that your life gives you choices she may not have.

One day you'll own your home. She never will. You can choose to sell up and move, she can't. She perhaps has a health issue (or has in the past) which isn't enviable.

I understand why you are feeling so down about it but it is because of your own situation. Are you sure you are in negative equity? Not many places have house prices which have gone down in recent years

CarmenThePanda But there are many people who work their asses off who need this. If she can afford to retire that young then her social housing should go to someone who clearly needs it. She's not struggling to get by even without earning. If she was earning a wage she wouldn't need lower rent but there are plenty of those that do.