To feel jealous and irrationally annoyed by this woman's life?

[WalkingAcrossAFord]

Name change for this, as I don't want it linking to my other posts.

I met this woman (my neighbour,) 3 years ago when DH and I moved into this village. DH and I have been to the pub a few times with her and her DH, and she attends 2 of the same village groups as me. She is 2 years younger than me (I'm 52, she is 50,) and she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.

She lives in social housing (nice cottage too, on the edge of the village overlooking fields,) and her DH works part time - 4 days a week in a supermarket, and I just can't fathom how she does is/how they do it. They have a 5 year old car, and a 25 y.o. DD who is getting married in September, and they're giving them £5000 towards the wedding. They have also just booked a holiday to Greece for June!

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? Can't be a pension!

I am actually annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I have another 15 years to work in a job I absolutely loathe. DH and myself don't have a pot to piss in, we have a car that's 20 years old that's held together with sellotape, and our mortgage makes up 45% of our joint salary(s.) DH and I work 45-50 hours a week some weeks, and never get any surplus income because there is always something to pay for, and ALWAYS something going wrong with our bloody house.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right, but I can't get rid of this deep resentment I have for her. She has the best life; finished work in her mid 40s, potters around their huge garden, goes for walks and bike rides, meets up with friends and family/her DD once a week, draws and paints and writes, sunbathes all day (some days) on the lawn in the summer, and sometimes lies in til 10am! I have been at work for 2 hours at that point!

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed by this woman? She seems to have a blessed life, and I don't know how she does it. It CAN'T be an inheritance or big lottery win, otherwise they wouldn't be in social housing would they?

You never know what’s really going on in anyone’s situation. I suspect you might envy me, too, if you didn’t know me well, which my neighbours don’t. My DH and I live in a 3 bed detached house in the suburbs with our 2 DDs (13 and 10). I don’t work and we have a reasonably comfortable life.

However, what isn’t visible is the fact that I’ve had MH issues for years (PTSD as a result of CSA) and over the last 2 years I’ve suffered from Long Covid. Our DDs are adopted and DD1 has SEN and attachment issues, which make her behaviourally very challenging.

I don’t share this with people I’m not close to, so I suspect it might look like I have things easy. I am fortunate in that my DH is on a good salary and we’ve also had a couple of inheritances, as a result of which we don’t have a large mortgage.

You really don’t know enough about this neighbour’s life to make a judgement. And it also makes no difference to your life how she and her DH live their lives.

Tell her you are watching her op and you will report her. In a dalek voice from behind the nets.

Good for her
Have you ever tried being happy for others

@Bodgerbarbara

Tell her you are watching her op and you will report her. In a dalek voice from behind the nets.

The nets! I don't know why that made me laugh so much. Bloody miss net curtains, they were somehow like a screen for nosey parkers yet everyone could see you through them.

She could be making money else where and not want you to know....onlyfans, ebay, disability benefits, compensation payout, her business not yours

Op it is unusual to be retired at mid 40s and one is bound to be curious. In instances like this i say ‘follow the penis’ - most women’s wealth comes from men either a husbands income or inheritance from a man. Sad but true.

As for judgement I’d be judging her for using social housing when she no longer needs to and can afford private. Weirdly there are no rules against this but it’s morally wrong.

I don’t understand people saying it’s “none of your business” when it’s our taxes that are going to subsidise someone’s accommodation who has been able to “retire” at 46’ due to some unknown source of funds.
It’s our business and we need to do something about such an unjust system.

@LolaButt

I think over extending yourself and comparing your situation to a woman’s who you don’t know the full facts of is foolish.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

THIS.

When my best friend quit work when she was pregnant the week before she could claim maternity leave everyone thought she wa stupid. But actually she left the exact week to benefit her and baby to get more from government and grants etc, I was so proud of her then for being smart enough to benefit from the system. If you know what to do then you claim whatever you can if it's legal. That's the smart thing

@basdonamosla

I don’t understand people saying it’s “none of your business” when it’s our taxes that are going to subsidise someone’s accommodation who has been able to “retire” at 46’ due to some unknown source of funds. It’s our business and we need to do something about such an unjust system.

Who says you subsidise her accommodation? They’ll pay rent like everyone else.

It must be awful being so jealous of others who appear to have something you don’t.

Maybe she has a degenerative disease she doesn’t talk about and instead of retiring at 46 she became too unwell to work… do you want a piece of that? Maybe she had a breakdown and found it easier to lie about why she’s at home all day than have to face the stigma of admitting the truth. Would you like some of that too? Maybe her husband is abusive and forces her to stay at home and do wifely things. Would you like that?

People like Basblahblah and the OP here are too busy being scared they’re missing out and someone’s getting something they’re not to open their eyes to the fact it genuinely has sweet fuck all to do with them

You want a life on disability, try and get it. You want a life on universal credit? Go for it, it’s bloody luxury with your £90 a week income and 35hours a week job searching not to forget balancing a home budget on your pittance while facing the same rising bills as everyone else.

Maybe she won the lottery, maybe her parents died. Maybe they made the decision to live with less money but to be happy.

How this woman funds her life is nobody’s business. Don’t assume it’s paid for by taxpayers and if she is on social security then understand that is not a luxury lifestyle or free meal ticket, it’s bloody gruelling hard work and anxiety.

Jesus, Op, you must be really sad in your own life to be this jealous and presumptuous about another person! She probably earns shitloads from her share portfolio or Only Fans or writes best selling crime thrillers or inherited 10 million pounds or just saved hard. Who will ever really know. Who will ever really care, except pusillanimous you.

It is sad that you are miserable because of your neighbour's good fortune. I bet you are really enjoying the war in Ukraine

@Coyoacan

It is sad that you are miserable because of your neighbour's good fortune. I bet you are really enjoying the war in Ukraine

Gees, that's harsh and unfair!

@basdonamosla

I don’t understand people saying it’s “none of your business” when it’s our taxes that are going to subsidise someone’s accommodation who has been able to “retire” at 46’ due to some unknown source of funds. It’s our business and we need to do something about such an unjust system.

You’re not subsidising her. This whole myth that social housing is subsidised needs to die once and for all.

HA’s charge the rent they need to charge to do their repairs and fund improvements. Just because they don’t rip the arse out of tenants like many landlords does not make them subsidised by tax payers

Plus @basdonamosla if the neighbour was really at anything dodgy what are the odds of her husband working 4 days a week in a supermarket?

It’s far more likely she has a legitimate source of income and has just declined to share financial details with her nosy fucker neighbour

Who will ever really care, except pusillanimous you.

I don't think that word means what you think it does.

@Waferbiscuit

Op it is unusual to be retired at mid 40s and one is bound to be curious. In instances like this i say ‘follow the penis’ - most women’s wealth comes from men either a husbands income or inheritance from a man. Sad but true.

As for judgement I’d be judging her for using social housing when she no longer needs to and can afford private. Weirdly there are no rules against this but it’s morally wrong.

But you don't actually know that she can afford to buy a house, do you?

Her lifestyle sounds very modest, so her income might well be very low.

This whole myth that social housing is subsidised needs to die once and for all.

Agree with what you say. Obviously HA rents have to cover costs including staffing costs. Nobody is getting subsidised.

If the houses have been standing for any more than around 20 years the cost of building is now well recouped and the rent money the HA gets can all go towards maintenance and investment in future social housing builds. This will be how this couple's rent money is getting used.

It's a pretty efficient system really and overall it costs the country a lot less than paying housing benefit to top up private sector rents to the levels that private landlords are looking for.

This whole myth that social housing is subsidised needs to die once and for all.

Agreed.
There also seems to be a myth that Housing Associations just hand out tenancies to anyone, not the case.

At some point, OPs neighbour applied and must have been assessed as in need and awarded the tenancy.

Also the myth that HA homes are secure. Nope. I'm HA tenant, we have a tenancy. The HA will threaten your tenancy to make you toe the line. Happens often and over such things as your grass being a bit long, bin being a bit full, car parked wrong etc.
As HA tenants tend to be at the lower end of incomes, it'd mean homeless if evicted so homelessness is a very real shadow for a lot of HA people.

@Waferbiscuit

Op it is unusual to be retired at mid 40s and one is bound to be curious. In instances like this i say ‘follow the penis’ - most women’s wealth comes from men either a husbands income or inheritance from a man. Sad but true.

As for judgement I’d be judging her for using social housing when she no longer needs to and can afford private. Weirdly there are no rules against this but it’s morally wrong.

What a sexist mysogynistic answer. Do you mean the penis who works four days a week down Tesco?

And there is nothing at all to say this woman can afford private and doesn’t need social housing. A one off five grand to her child and a holiday to Greece doesn’t mean you’re some wealthy woman living off sone man. Other than that she lives very frugally and there are many reasons she might not be able to work.

I actually can’t believe someone even wrote that. I really hope it wasn’t another woman.

YABU, YABV rude, get on with your own life OP and leave the poor woman be

It's a pretty efficient system really and overall it costs the country a lot less than paying housing benefit to top up private sector rents to the levels that private landlords are looking for.

Exactly.

And when there’s a good amount of it it helps stop private rents getting silly.

There was a raft of new social housing round here over the last couple of years. It really helped shake everything up. Decent landlords that don’t charge crazy amounts and have decent properties weren’t affected. My tenant moved and I found another one very easily (in fact they were put in touch with me by the HA as they’d just missed out - they likely will moved before long and it’s known I’ll not rip them off).

The scumbag landlord downstairs who charged an eye watering amount for a place that was mouldy and grim couldn’t find tenants. His place was sold and he still grumbles to this day about the subsidised housing that put him out of business.

Social housing should be more of a thing.
When my grandparents were married where they lived was all social housing. You went down and told them when you were getting wed and they told you where you could have and when.

People paid a fair amount for decent quality homes. That’s how it should be. Houses don’t have to be a massive profit earner for everyone.

My friends partner gave up work in his 30s. They live in rented accommodation because they couldn't afford to buy, my friend works in a school. He came into a large inheritance and takes out £1000 a month that he puts towards the bills. He'll end up coming unstuck at some point tho, as he's not invested any of the capital and it's slowly reducing. He's not paid into NI so he's fucked his pension and eventually he'll have to work. I think he's relying on my friend getting so fed up that she'll buy a house and he'll move in. He's got another 8 years max of not working before it all dries up. I guess the reason for telling you this is don't compare yourself to others, she might seem happy and 'together' but you just don't know what goes on behind closed doors

Totally agree JustLyra and MaryAndHerNet

Probably inheritance. But really it’s none of your business!