To feel jealous and irrationally annoyed by this woman's life?

[WalkingAcrossAFord]

Name change for this, as I don't want it linking to my other posts.

I met this woman (my neighbour,) 3 years ago when DH and I moved into this village. DH and I have been to the pub a few times with her and her DH, and she attends 2 of the same village groups as me. She is 2 years younger than me (I'm 52, she is 50,) and she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.

She lives in social housing (nice cottage too, on the edge of the village overlooking fields,) and her DH works part time - 4 days a week in a supermarket, and I just can't fathom how she does is/how they do it. They have a 5 year old car, and a 25 y.o. DD who is getting married in September, and they're giving them £5000 towards the wedding. They have also just booked a holiday to Greece for June!

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? Can't be a pension!

I am actually annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I have another 15 years to work in a job I absolutely loathe. DH and myself don't have a pot to piss in, we have a car that's 20 years old that's held together with sellotape, and our mortgage makes up 45% of our joint salary(s.) DH and I work 45-50 hours a week some weeks, and never get any surplus income because there is always something to pay for, and ALWAYS something going wrong with our bloody house.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right, but I can't get rid of this deep resentment I have for her. She has the best life; finished work in her mid 40s, potters around their huge garden, goes for walks and bike rides, meets up with friends and family/her DD once a week, draws and paints and writes, sunbathes all day (some days) on the lawn in the summer, and sometimes lies in til 10am! I have been at work for 2 hours at that point!

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed by this woman? She seems to have a blessed life, and I don't know how she does it. It CAN'T be an inheritance or big lottery win, otherwise they wouldn't be in social housing would they?

I was retired through ill health at 50 and receive my full work pension which is really quite a decent amount and I have another small one from my very first job but I’m leaving it currently. I also make some money from my investments. DH does still work FT and does have a well paid job.,

So I’m quite like this friend of yours that you actively dislike but I would give anything to have my health back. I’m stable now but I almost died a few years ago and need monitoring etc for the rest of my life.

As for judgement I’d be judging her for using social housing when she no longer needs to and can afford private. Weirdly there are no rules against this but it’s morally wrong

What a dumb comment, and here's why:

Imagine, of you're able, a family of 2 parents and 2 kids. They're homeless in a hostel.
They're awarded a tenancy from a housing association. For the first time in 3 years they have a home and not a hostel.

Now what?

Do they:
A) find work and improve their lots and improve their kids lives. Afford some treats like holidays.
Or
B) do nothing, be unemployed, they've learned the system since being made homeless, they know how it works.

Now think, if someone said that family,
"If you earn more than £20k a year, you'll have to give up your Housing Association House"
Do you think that would encourage option A or option B?

It's not difficult when you think logically about it to see how stupid it would be and how much better, morally speaking, it is to support the people to better themselves and make them feel as secure as possible.

@Molecule

You need to make friends with the local gossips. They’ll have an idea (or two) as to how she funds her lifestyle. You’ll just have to accept the fact they will gossip about you too.

I think OP IS the local gossip 😅

OP, fair play for admitting you are being unreasonable. I get why it must be jarring but there is nothing you can do about it. Lots of people get inheritances or have private incomes. It's not unusual.

You really must stop asking her about it or talking to other people about it. Appearances can be very deceptive anyway.

@JustLyra and @MaryAndHerNet housing associations and council housing is subsidized. I used to work in this area. Block grants of billions each year are paid to these organizations to subsidize them (abs that’s not including any housing benefits for rent, funding to build houses in the first place, tax advantage status of these entities). You might not like it but housing associations and councils are subsidized from central government to provide housing. That’s literally the point of organizations who provide affordable housing!

I’m not saying I don’t agree with it (I do) just that it’s a fact that public housing is subsidized.

@MaryAndHerNet - I also do think tenancies for life in subsidized housing is an issue when we have such a shortage of affordable housing. I don’t think the answer is as crude as to end the tenancy but I do think large discounts to buy council housing should be stopped and I don’t think it’s fair that pensioners get housing benefit to cover much larger council properties than they need when they are usually precisely the people who need to downsize. There is a crisis of affordable housing in the country and better allocation has to play a part in the solution imo.

@Villagewaspbyke bit disingenuous. Yes the government gives grants to social housing providers but it also gives grants, top ups and incentives to commercial housebuilders - four times as much as councils and HAs get. The substantial subsidy same as the substantial subsidy tenants get via help with rent money involves public money being handed to commercial companies and investors.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/affordable-housing-spending-private-tory-government-a7945616.html

'Better allocation' is a recipe for social disaster in communities.

What you're suggesting is older people be removed from homes they have spent their lives in, from gardens they have worked and often beautified, from jobs in the locality, from friends they've made, churches they attend, children and grandchildren who live nearby, and all of their social support networks.

Only fans. 100%

How she funds her lifestyle or where she lives isn’t any of your business. If you dared to ask me about how I managed my finances, you’d be dropped like a hot potato. Keep your nose OUT.

@ToothGrinder - you haven’t really understood the link you posted. Government subsidies to house builders are to build affordable housing or to individuals to help them buy it (so called “Help to Buy”). Actually private builders pay to build a lot of affordable housing and schools etc as part of planning conditions. That housing is then handed over to councils and housing associations to rent at below market rent. But what isn’t happening is that house builders are being generally subsidized to build housing to sell to individuals.

One reason the current government prefers to fund the private sector to build affordable homes is that they commissioned a study showing that the private sector built homes at less than half the cost of the public sector.

We need more housing and can’t afford to vastly overpay to build it.

@mathanxiety yes. Because we are all paying for them to live there in houses much larger than they need when homeless families are in one room in temporary accommodation. The housing budget is finite and should not be allocated so much in favour of the elderly just because they turn out to vote