To feel jealous and irrationally annoyed by this woman's life?

[WalkingAcrossAFord]

Name change for this, as I don't want it linking to my other posts.

I met this woman (my neighbour,) 3 years ago when DH and I moved into this village. DH and I have been to the pub a few times with her and her DH, and she attends 2 of the same village groups as me. She is 2 years younger than me (I'm 52, she is 50,) and she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.

She lives in social housing (nice cottage too, on the edge of the village overlooking fields,) and her DH works part time - 4 days a week in a supermarket, and I just can't fathom how she does is/how they do it. They have a 5 year old car, and a 25 y.o. DD who is getting married in September, and they're giving them £5000 towards the wedding. They have also just booked a holiday to Greece for June!

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? Can't be a pension!

I am actually annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I have another 15 years to work in a job I absolutely loathe. DH and myself don't have a pot to piss in, we have a car that's 20 years old that's held together with sellotape, and our mortgage makes up 45% of our joint salary(s.) DH and I work 45-50 hours a week some weeks, and never get any surplus income because there is always something to pay for, and ALWAYS something going wrong with our bloody house.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right, but I can't get rid of this deep resentment I have for her. She has the best life; finished work in her mid 40s, potters around their huge garden, goes for walks and bike rides, meets up with friends and family/her DD once a week, draws and paints and writes, sunbathes all day (some days) on the lawn in the summer, and sometimes lies in til 10am! I have been at work for 2 hours at that point!

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed by this woman? She seems to have a blessed life, and I don't know how she does it. It CAN'T be an inheritance or big lottery win, otherwise they wouldn't be in social housing would they?

Are you jealous of her lifestyle or the social housing? You do realise she pays to live there too right? My friends rent is £600 a month for social housing and it increases every year for the duration of her living there.

My guess would be that she inherited money or another property and rents it out. I think if you are in a secure tenancy then it doesn't affect it. IMO this is wrong when there are so many people who can't afford to rent privately and others who own a property but still take up social housing. It should be changed IMO. Maybe that's why she is so coy about where her money comes from because she knows it's not morally acceptable. There's no point worrying about it though as there's nothing you can do. Better to try to concentrate on your life and making that better than worrying about her. There will always be people who land on their feet or are better off that you in one way or another.

Always a bad idea to compare yourself to someone else. As a PP has said, it takes up unnecessary mental energy.
She may be the happiest person alive or she may be hiding more difficult stuff. None of that needs to concern you.
I wouldn’t actually be jealous of her life. I enjoy going to work. Not that everyone does, but there’s no objective standard of a ‘good life’. You can’t help your feelings, but it sounds as if you’re letting this preoccupy you a bit.

Not being funny, but no WAY does someone with a mortgage have more stability and security in their home that someone in social housing.

Course it does. You have the option to sell up and downsize if needed or wanted. And the majority of people who bought a house in the last 10 years will have made a substantial profit just by paying their normal mortgage repayments. People in social housing still have to pay some form of rent, which is money that is just gone.

Inheritance probably, good luck to her and it’s none of your business. Sorry your life is more difficult maybe you should invest some time working on your own stuff instead of being over invested in someone else’s life.

I know she lives in social housing, because 9 of the properties in our street (of 27) have been acquired by a rural social housing association, and I have seen the works van at hers a number of times, and it's common knowledge which properties are the HA ones.

That's something else that bugs me. We are paying multiple 1000s for repairs and maintenance, and if THEY have a repair, she clicks her fingers, and the HA repairmen are out there within a week or two! If it's an emergency, it's the same day. Her boiler stopped working in May last year, and the workmen were there in TWO HOURS.. I have a 3 star contract with British gas and they took TWO DAYS to come to us when our boiler stopped working!

I know it's irrational, but I feel so resentful. And no, I am NOT happy with my life. And this woman's seemingly perfect life is grating on me.

Good luck to her, don't be bitter OP

You sound like you are sort of here to shit stir OP.

Lots of property that was previously social housing has been sold on. Has it occurred to you that perhaps their home is ex LA and in fact they own it out right?

Alternatively there are lots of ways someone can be living social housing but now be comfortably off. Tenancies can be essentially life long and not take into account later changes in income. She could be receiving various benefits for disabilities you arent aware of, or have had an insurance or redundancy payout that they've managed well to top up their income.

Maybe her DH in fact earns very well.

Such is life. You can't go through life eaten up by jealousy of anyone with more than you.

@pinkBamboo

I'd probably take offence at a random neighbour commenting on my financial situation It's quite rude and YABU

Normally I'd agree with this however if she is always bragging about how great her situation is, she is inviting questions on "how she does it?"

OP I get where your coming from but as others have said there is little point comparing your life to others as it won't change anything for you.

I also think you need to take some personal responsibility. Why take out a mortgage that takes up 45% of your income?, that was silly imo. Did you not fully think through the consequences of that. You could have chosen to get a cheaper mortgage in a slightly less nice area. In fact you could still sell up and move to a cheaper area.

Don't spend the next 15yrs in a job you hate, start looking for a job you will actually like. No one can change your life but you.

@Alwayspaintyournails

Are you jealous of her lifestyle or the social housing? You do realise she pays to live there too right? My friends rent is £600 a month for social housing and it increases every year for the duration of her living there.

Both!

Their rent is £350 a month. I know that because a similar property was let recently, and the couple who moved in told us the rent. They are affordable rents, and are HALF of what it is to rent privately.

It's not unusual for social housing rents to be very cheap.

Compared to private rents

I understand how you feel and can empathise.

There's nothing you can do so maybe the best thing is to stay away, don't give her and her life a second thought and just concentrate on making the best of your own life and what you do have.

It’ll be the social housing enabling her to live the lifestyle she does. Relatively low rent, not having to pay out for ‘big’ jobs and repairs. She doesn’t have to make much money to be able to save up a decent amount and she could do that in a variety of ways that don’t include employment. Take a look at the money board and it’s full of people looking at ways to earn extra cash alongside their main income.

My guesses would include matched betting, a compensation payout at some point, a condition she doesn’t share with you for whatever reason but means she gets a PIP award. Also when you don’t work it’s easier to budget in lots of ways because you have the time to hunt out bargains, cook economically, carry out maintenance you might otherwise outsource.

I’d be envious too but ultimately it’s no one’s business.

I don’t think it’s any of your business. You don’t really know anything about her. She may be saying one thing and in fact it may not be the case. Maybe the are circumstances in her life that she doesn’t want to share with every body, but instead is trying to create some kind of front, albeit badly.

Often, not everything is as it seems and comparing yourself to others is sure fast way of making yourself more miserable.

YABU completely unreasonable OP, you CHOSE to live somewhere that has a mortgage of almost half of your take home pay - that's differing priorities.

if she has had an inheritance, then what business is it of yours? SIL mum lives in social housing, SIL is getting married this year and her DM has paid £6500 towards it and if paying for their Honeymoon in New York - the money is made up of being was given to her last year when her own mum died, and also SIL being an only child and her mum saving her child benefit from when she was born towards her first house/wedding.

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed

Your annoyance is entirely rational, no point beating yourself up about being irrational.

Hope you can also see that it is really not helpful to your enjoyment of your own life.

There will always people better or and worse off than you. Comparison really will suck all the joy from your life, if you continue.

That is very probably what your mutual acquaintances meant in their reply.

Hope you get around to enjoying your own life, before it is all gone.

@WalkingAcrossAFord

I know she lives in social housing, because 9 of the properties in our street (of 27) have been acquired by a rural social housing association, and I have seen the works van at hers a number of times, and it's common knowledge which properties are the HA ones.

That's something else that bugs me. We are paying multiple 1000s for repairs and maintenance, and if THEY have a repair, she clicks her fingers, and the HA repairmen are out there within a week or two! If it's an emergency, it's the same day. Her boiler stopped working in May last year, and the workmen were there in TWO HOURS.. I have a 3 star contract with British gas and they took TWO DAYS to come to us when our boiler stopped working!

I know it's irrational, but I feel so resentful. And no, I am NOT happy with my life. And this woman's seemingly perfect life is grating on me.

Wow I think you need to address the things you are unhappy with in your own life, her life is beyond your control.

MYOB.

I don’t blame you for being curious about how she does it. I wish we published tax returns in this country so I could nosy into peoples finances. Just because I’m interested not that I would do anything with it.

If she has an inheritance she doesn’t need to move out of social housing. Older tenancies at least were for life. Also did she buy the house?

You've reminded me why I never speak to, or socialise with my neighbours.
If people spent more time minding their own business instead of everyone else's, we'd all be better off.
Concentrate on your own life op and keep out of theirs.

Oh gosh you sound so unhappy and a bit bitter.

Why does it matter to you?

I understand why you feel the way you do, OP and your feelings are valid.

For what it's worth a friend of my mum's writes erotica novels and makes hideous amounts of money, she always just tells people she has a 'private income' 😂😂

I'd find this grating too, try to spend less time with her, some people always fall in roses rather than falling in shit, there's no rhyme or reason to it.

ExpensiveCinemaTrips

I understand why you feel the way you do, OP and your feelings are valid“

No, they’re really not.

I'd love to see her thread on here. She'd be congratulated for her smile and brush off in response to your nosey questions.

I do get it OP. But you have no control over her life choices, fortunes or otherwise.