To feel jealous and irrationally annoyed by this woman's life?

[WalkingAcrossAFord]

Name change for this, as I don't want it linking to my other posts.

I met this woman (my neighbour,) 3 years ago when DH and I moved into this village. DH and I have been to the pub a few times with her and her DH, and she attends 2 of the same village groups as me. She is 2 years younger than me (I'm 52, she is 50,) and she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.

She lives in social housing (nice cottage too, on the edge of the village overlooking fields,) and her DH works part time - 4 days a week in a supermarket, and I just can't fathom how she does is/how they do it. They have a 5 year old car, and a 25 y.o. DD who is getting married in September, and they're giving them £5000 towards the wedding. They have also just booked a holiday to Greece for June!

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? Can't be a pension!

I am actually annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I have another 15 years to work in a job I absolutely loathe. DH and myself don't have a pot to piss in, we have a car that's 20 years old that's held together with sellotape, and our mortgage makes up 45% of our joint salary(s.) DH and I work 45-50 hours a week some weeks, and never get any surplus income because there is always something to pay for, and ALWAYS something going wrong with our bloody house.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right, but I can't get rid of this deep resentment I have for her. She has the best life; finished work in her mid 40s, potters around their huge garden, goes for walks and bike rides, meets up with friends and family/her DD once a week, draws and paints and writes, sunbathes all day (some days) on the lawn in the summer, and sometimes lies in til 10am! I have been at work for 2 hours at that point!

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed by this woman? She seems to have a blessed life, and I don't know how she does it. It CAN'T be an inheritance or big lottery win, otherwise they wouldn't be in social housing would they?

@FrancescaContini

I was just going to say this! The tone of this thread is VERY different from the one about single mums. Apparently when someone is married it’s ugly and jealous to speculate on their lifestyle but when they’re a single mum well then it’s all sex work and benefit fraud! Funny that.

OP, YABU. Obviously. She’s living her life the best she can, you should do the same.

Hi op, I can see why you feel jealous, it is most unusual for people to be able to retire at 45. It does sound like this is consuming you a bit and think what is driving that is how difficult your life is. You mentioned not having much money, and old car and negative equity. You need to remember that there is always someone better off than you and always someone worse off. What is good about your life? How much longer is left on your mortgage and will life be better once it is paid off? Have you had a difficult life? What would make your life better now. Can you give work less headspace, pick up some new hobbies, drop a day a week? I think when finances are a struggle it can be hard to find the joy in life so go easy on yourself and stop fixating on how lucky this one woman appears to be.

why wouldnt you stay in social? cheap rent, free repairs, free bathroom and kitchen makeover every 15 to 20 years. more money to spend on stuff

I think it’s natural to find it a bit grating op— but that’s life. The ex (and now deceased) leader of the RMT Union was in social housing and on £145k a year if I remember correctly. Unless things have changed , once you get it then further checks on income aren’t made and even if they were they would possibly use her husbands 4 day a week job. I suspect she’s inherited either substantial cash or another house she rents out. Such is life, and no it isn’t fair I agree.

@CarmenThePanda - sorry but that’s not correct. Social housing (both councils and housing associations) are given billions in block grants each year from central government (ie the taxpayer) to provide housing at below market rates. They also benefit from indirect support (ie housing associations get tax benefits and council housing is often subsidized by local councils too as well as central government).

I think we should use tax to provide subsidized housing but it’s not correct to say it’s not subsidized. Also as it is subsidized there is a legitimate debate as to how resources are to be allocated.

You really need to have a word with yourself and get over this. This level of jealousy and bitterness towards someone else’s good fortune is really painting you in a bad light on here and possibly in your social groups.

Maybe she also has an online little business that keeps things ticking over.

Maybe she paid massively into pensions and shares whilst she could.

Maybe they are savvy with their money and show around.

Maybe it’s non of your business and you should work out what’s so lacking in your own life that you are feeling driven to put hers under the microscope.

Your behaviour isn’t healthy.

Of course it’s annoying.

I guess she has had a big win of some description. She has just got the better deal in the lottery of life than someone else. I love the way we are excepted to endlessly commiserate with peoples troubles in life but not be nosey when they appear to have well.

No one knows what the future holds though.It’s a mistake to worry about what people have as tomorrow could bring something very different.

Got the free house, parents died afterwards and housing won’t move you once you’re in.

She’s lucky. Get over it.

She could of got lucky with stocks and shares royalties from a book offer business advice online etc she might not want to share her also you can buy social housing in our area if you have lived there a certain number of years

Oh gosh OP
Imagine shes had a payout as she was assaulted? Or forced out of her job by a creep boss? Youd feel awful for feeling this way ...

If it makes you feel any better, youll be leaving your DC a property when you pass, unlike their DD
Your children will be able to retire or pay off their mortgage - thats why im buying and not renting social housing

YABU. She's your neighbour, I'd be werided out if one of my neighbours posted this.

Stop comparing your life to others - no wonder you're unhappy:

Stop being jealous of what you perceive others to have that you don't. That will only lead to bitterness and you could actually lose your friends if they think you are being unreasonable.

You can't change her life. If you are unhappy in your life you need to figure out why and make changes.

I'm in social housing and even if I won the lottery and came into millions, (I wish) I could still continue to live here as long as I paid the rent.

This seems to be eating you up, OP, and it's going to have a really negative effect on your mental health if you allow it to continue. There's nothing you can do to change the situation, all you can do is change your thinking. Are you going to continue to feel this envious for the next 10 years? Or however long you're neighbours?

Wow you were disgustingly rude to have made those comments to her! Im shocked you had the audacity to do so. It's embarrassing that you know so much about her in such a bitter way.

I think you’ve become irrationally obsessively jealous of this woman, there will always be people with more than you people with less. Stop focusing on her and try Instead to work out how to become happy with your own life. Focusing on hers isn’t going to make you any happier or sort your problems.

Jealousy is a sign of deep unhappiness with your own situation. Try to work out how to improve your lot. In the meantime stay away from her, stop watching her and thinking about her. Stop asking her about money, it’s not of your business and you are well over the line in even asking about that.

Jealous of social housing, really? I live in social housing and wish so much that we could buy our own house. Hope my neighbours aren’t mean about us.

@WalkingAcrossAFord

Well, to answer a few questions, her job was working for the local authority, and she doesn't seem to spend anything on fancy clothes or grooming, but she kind of doesn't need to. She is quite attractive, natural blonde, and wears simple polo shirts and jeans and trainers.

I am also puzzled (like another poster) how they stay in social housing if they have go an inheritance or lottery win.

You don't have to leave social housing if you come into money (there are some newer tenancies where that has changed but for those with secure tenancies they wouldn't be reassessed and have to leave).

Wow I think you need to address the things you are unhappy with in your own life, her life is beyond your control

I agree with this. Her income is none of your business. They could have won the lottery. I certainly wouldn't tell many people I did, especially neighbours etc as you might get begging letters etc.

Make the life you want and let her get on with hers without the prying into her private life- she isn't going to tell you about her private affairs so stop asking her!

She doesn't have to explain herself to you. Also, the grass is always greener. There is so much you do not know about this woman. There may be health issues, just scraping by etc. Nobody goes through life unscathed.
I do know someone like this. Husband is a very high earner so she was able to stop working in her mid forties. Don't begrudge her that but do begrudge the way she judges others for not working enough/not being in what she deems good enough jobs. But then to me, that just reeks of how insecure she is.

@pictish

I’m not surprised she gave your enquiry into her finances the brush off. Why on earth would she explain herself to you? Good grief.

I think she was very polite to simply give the nosey questioning the brush off, I think I might have been far more forthright!

You’re far too invested in this OP and seem incredibly nosey! Resentment will eat away at you if you let it. It’s a really ugly quality! She may have had a large inheritance, she may have property that she rents out somewhere very expensive, it could be many things but none of them are anything to do with you. Her good fortune is hers to enjoy.

You have many problems that are yours alone. Why work in a job you loathe? Sort that first. Why are you living in a House that needs constant things done to it?

Why have you made such poor decisions before? Work on yourself rather than looking at her.

Christ, I would have ditched you by now with asking all those nosey bloody questions and also trying to prise info out of my friends.
Fuck the fuck off with that shit, mind your own bloody business!

I think she was very polite to simply give the nosey questioning the brush off, I think I might have been far more forthright!

I’d have told her to fuck off and mind her own business

I don’t think m YABU. Well you are a bit technically but I do understand where you’re coming from. If you’re hating your own life and you see someone who on the surface is swanning about enjoying theirs, it’s hard to feel happy for them. Anyone who denies it is a liar.

As others have pointed out, the bigger issue is now unhappy you are in your life. Is it too late to change that? Downsize, get a simpler job, lead a scaled down simple life that might make you happier?