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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel jealous and irrationally annoyed by this woman's life?

436 replies

WalkingAcrossAFord · 11/04/2022 10:29

Name change for this, as I don't want it linking to my other posts.

I met this woman (my neighbour,) 3 years ago when DH and I moved into this village. DH and I have been to the pub a few times with her and her DH, and she attends 2 of the same village groups as me. She is 2 years younger than me (I'm 52, she is 50,) and she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.

She lives in social housing (nice cottage too, on the edge of the village overlooking fields,) and her DH works part time - 4 days a week in a supermarket, and I just can't fathom how she does is/how they do it. They have a 5 year old car, and a 25 y.o. DD who is getting married in September, and they're giving them £5000 towards the wedding. They have also just booked a holiday to Greece for June!

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? Confused Can't be a pension!

I am actually annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I have another 15 years to work in a job I absolutely loathe. DH and myself don't have a pot to piss in, we have a car that's 20 years old that's held together with sellotape, and our mortgage makes up 45% of our joint salary(s.) DH and I work 45-50 hours a week some weeks, and never get any surplus income because there is always something to pay for, and ALWAYS something going wrong with our bloody house.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right, but I can't get rid of this deep resentment I have for her. She has the best life; finished work in her mid 40s, potters around their huge garden, goes for walks and bike rides, meets up with friends and family/her DD once a week, draws and paints and writes, sunbathes all day (some days) on the lawn in the summer, and sometimes lies in til 10am! I have been at work for 2 hours at that point!

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed by this woman? She seems to have a blessed life, and I don't know how she does it. It CAN'T be an inheritance or big lottery win, otherwise they wouldn't be in social housing would they?

OP posts:
WalkingAcrossAFord · 11/04/2022 11:02

So I guess IABU? Blush (I think I knew this on some level.)

Thanks to everyone for being actually quite kind. I was worried the responses may be much worse! Some have been cutting, but honest.

I would consider selling up, and buying something cheaper, but we are in negative equity, so would cause ourselves even more financial issues! So THAT is not an option. Sad

OP posts:
LadyCatStark · 11/04/2022 11:02

Well you asked her and she explained that she has a source of income that she obviously doesn’t want to explain. Maybe she’s on Only Fans 🤷‍♀️. Maybe she sells her art or something. YANBU to feel jealous, I’m sure we’d all like her lifestyle but YABVU to be asking around to try to find out and gossiping about her, that’s just nosy!

DropYourSword · 11/04/2022 11:02

What tangible difference would it actually make to you even if you did find out?

Your life is your life. Comparing to someone else is utterly pointless.

SaggyBlinders · 11/04/2022 11:02

Your time would be better spend looking at your own finances and reviewing your budget and where your money goes.

45% of your take home pay on your mortgage when you have two incomes and both work full time/45 - 50 hour weeks is insane. Unless you are making overpayments to pay it off earlier.

Runningupthecurtains · 11/04/2022 11:04

One of my neighbours "retired" in their 40's actually they had cancer and get a critical illness cover payout. The on going impact of her illness and treatment means she hasn't been able to return to work but they get by on her husband's salary and her critical illness payment. Are you jealous of her too?

Rosehugger · 11/04/2022 11:07

Perhaps they won the lottery or inherited money? It's none of your business.

VanLife · 11/04/2022 11:07

If I were you I'd focus my energy and time on what I can do to make my life better. You say your unhappy, what are you going to do to change that? It's not this other woman's fault your unhappy with your lot. 💐

Iflyaway · 11/04/2022 11:07

Bloody ell! I'm glad I don't know you.

thisplaceisweird · 11/04/2022 11:07

I'm not going to be kind, I think you're a nosy jealous cow. Back off and leave the woman alone!

It's not her fault you're miserable, why don't you spend your energy trying to make your own life better?

CounsellorTroi · 11/04/2022 11:07

For what it's worth a friend of my mum's writes erotica novels and makes hideous amounts of money, she always just tells people she has a 'private income' 😂😂

Nothing wrong with making money out of something you are good at. I

PeskyRooks · 11/04/2022 11:08

OK let's imagine a scenario where for some reason she loses her social housing house, now she has to privately rent, her outgoings go right up, she and her husband have to get full time jobs, she hates hers and the next time you see her she looks haggard and exhausted.

Do you really feel better and happier now?

FishFingerSandwiches4Tea · 11/04/2022 11:09

Well, you know yabu really but I suspect it's a symptom of dissatisfaction with your own life. You can't help how you feel, but nurturing resentment like this is not good for you op. As pp have commented, you can't know what goes on behind closed doors, and all that glitters etc...

Try to let it go and focus on your own life. If you truly hate your job I can understand that the thought of doing it for another 15 years is depressing. But only you can do something about that. Ultimately, focusing the energy you're currently channeling into resenting your neighbour would be far better spent on job searching. It will have a far happier outcome too.

MrsWinters · 11/04/2022 11:09

I’d be annoyed that sock housing is supposed to be for those in need and is a limited supply and this woman chooses not to work whilst taking a valuable national resource. She hasn’t paid her dues-she’s a CF taking from society when she doesn’t NEED it

SoyaChai · 11/04/2022 11:09

It's completely valid to feel pissed off and jealous that someone else has a better life than you when you're unhappy with your own. Life is just pretty shit and unfair in general though. You just can't dwell on it.

viques · 11/04/2022 11:10

Lottery win, premium bond win, payout settlement after an accident , inheritance.

If she wanted you to know she would have told you.

ovenchips · 11/04/2022 11:10

Jealousy is a very ugly emotion. You do yourself and others who have to listen to it (including us) a disservice. I'd work on it if I were you.

TedMullins · 11/04/2022 11:10

Yes YABVU. If you're unhappy with your life, think about what you can do to change it. Selling the house isn't an option but what about a new job?

Lottapianos · 11/04/2022 11:11

I get it. I've certainly been crazed with envy at times. It's not a great feeling, and doesn't do your self esteem much good, but it's just another emotion

Other posters are right that you have no idea how this woman funds her lifestyle, and that it's none of your business anyway. It's true that the grass isn't always greener etc. I would knock the comments on the head - both to her, and to others. They're unfair on her and the other people being dragged into gossiping, and are only going to end badly

Try to own the feelings and be honest with yourself about where they are coming from. You sound extremely unhappy with your job and your life in general - that's not a criticism, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Rather than obsessing over this woman's life, think hard about what you can change in your own life, and shift your focus away from her and onto yourself. Good luck

godmum56 · 11/04/2022 11:11

not your business, not your circus not your monkeys. I'd get really fed up with your asking personal questions if I was her.

ForeverWaitingInForParcels · 11/04/2022 11:12

I'm with @SoyaChai

Fireflygal · 11/04/2022 11:12

Op, are you resenting your life choices? I assume you choose your life at some stage...job/house etc?

Taking responsibility for one area to improve might make you feel better about your situation. You hate your job...is that something that can change?

godmum56 · 11/04/2022 11:13

@MrsWinters

I’d be annoyed that sock housing is supposed to be for those in need and is a limited supply and this woman chooses not to work whilst taking a valuable national resource. She hasn’t paid her dues-she’s a CF taking from society when she doesn’t NEED it
You have NO idea what her circumstances are, only what the OP sees.
Jonad · 11/04/2022 11:13

I can understand the repairs bit grating. I know someone who works in that area and they get called out in the middle of the night to come and fix stuff in an emergency - except it’s often not even that urgent. If you own your own house that’s either not an option - you’d have to wait until morning - or colossally expensive.

The rest I think you should let go of. It could be OnlyFans or illness, you may never know.

RedRec · 11/04/2022 11:14

You are incredibly nosy and rude.
She was restrained and polite in her response to you. I would have been inclined to tell you to fuck off and mind your own business.

Juniper68 · 11/04/2022 11:15

OP why don't you try for one of those homes if it bothers you so much. You could sell yours.

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