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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

495 replies

constintine · 11/04/2022 10:02

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

OP posts:
TeaStory · 11/04/2022 10:05

She shouldn’t be letting this affect her daughter, but your partner is bang out of order!

He didn’t bother feeding his own child, and refuses to pay the maintenance he owes purely to punish the child’s mother for calling him out on his behaviour.

Original poster
constintine · 11/04/2022 10:07

@TeaStory

She shouldn’t be letting this affect her daughter, but your partner is bang out of order!

He didn’t bother feeding his own child, and refuses to pay the maintenance he owes purely to punish the child’s mother for calling him out on his behaviour.

He didn't 'not bother' time escaped him. If situation was reversed we would just have said 'okay no problem' and took her home and fed her ourselves Confused
OP posts:
FionnulaTheCooler · 11/04/2022 10:09

Your husband sounds like a proper arse, not feeding his child and withholding maintenance money to punish the other parent. I don't necessarily think her mum is handling it correctly by refusing to have her back but I see her point about not being able to afford to provide for her without the money she's owed. Poor child being stuck in the middle.

Buzzer3555 · 11/04/2022 10:09

Your husband is being unreasonable..he should pay his ex. I feel sorry for your stepdaughter

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 11/04/2022 10:09

They are BOTH out of order and both sound really awful, to be honest. How terrible their poor daughter must feel, to be used as a way to 'punish' the other parent...

DropYourSword · 11/04/2022 10:10

Your DH is bang out of order!!

He owes her money and is deliberately withholding it as a "punishment". It's pretty terrible behaviour.

Patchbatch · 11/04/2022 10:11

Your DH who doesn't feed his child, sees looking after them as a 'favour' rather than being a parent, and withholds money- he is ridiculously unreasonable. Poor child.

Original poster
constintine · 11/04/2022 10:13

@Patchbatch

Your DH who doesn't feed his child, sees looking after them as a 'favour' rather than being a parent, and withholds money- he is ridiculously unreasonable. Poor child.
So that gives her the right to say she's not taking her child back? It was genuine mistake that he forgot to feed her, not a massive deal.
OP posts:
AndAsIfByMagic · 11/04/2022 10:13

Your husband is a selfish prick.

He should have prioritised paying for his child.

Time didn't get sway from him he was too lazy to feed her.

What a prince you are married to.

Rogue1001MNer · 11/04/2022 10:14

I understand about the meal, time can run away, but he's a prize cunt. He owes hundreds and has his child for a pathetic 8 nights a month.
Good on his ex for standing up to him.
And I strongly recommend you don't have a child with this person yourself

Petronus · 11/04/2022 10:14

Jesus, how can you think it’s okay for your dh not to pay the maintenance he owes? Tell him to get a grip and pay for his child.

TooMuchPaper · 11/04/2022 10:14

What do you feel OP about him not paying child maintenance on time?

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 10:15

Your husband needs to feed his child and pay his maintenance on time.

OatmilkandCookies · 11/04/2022 10:16

I think they're both out of order and they need to act like adults.
Your DH absolutely should have made sure his daughter was fed, and shouldn't have sent that angry text, and her mum shouldn't be saying she's not having her. There is a child in the middle of this and they're both acting like huffy teenagers. I feel for you and SD having to put up with them!

KateTheEighth · 11/04/2022 10:16

@FionnulaTheCooler

Your husband sounds like a proper arse, not feeding his child and withholding maintenance money to punish the other parent. I don't necessarily think her mum is handling it correctly by refusing to have her back but I see her point about not being able to afford to provide for her without the money she's owed. Poor child being stuck in the middle.

Spot on

Your husband is a dick

OatmilkandCookies · 11/04/2022 10:17

And yes - not to mention the maintenance - of course he should be paying for his daughter!

Patchbatch · 11/04/2022 10:17

So that gives her the right to say she's not taking her child back? It was genuine mistake that he forgot to feed her, not a massive deal.

Yes it does, he's a parent as well, it seems he's quite content doing the bare minimum (not even that let's be honest) with the expectation mum will pick up the slack, good for her. I suspect most parents don't forget to feed their children.

Original poster
constintine · 11/04/2022 10:17

@TooMuchPaper

What do you feel OP about him not paying child maintenance on time?
It was agreed between them both that he would catch up with payments when he was working more but she is actively not allowing him to work so how can he pay?
OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 11/04/2022 10:17

Your DH is wrong here, he is responsible for the maintenance of his child when she is with her mother that is non negotiable, and should be paid regardless and on time.

DropYourSword · 11/04/2022 10:18

So that gives her the right to say she's not taking her child back?

As much right as your DH had to say "don't expect the money anytime soon".

It sounds like this poor woman is being driven mad if she's got to this point.

Freddiefox · 11/04/2022 10:19

Time for away with him! It’s not ok, sounds like he did it on purpose to ruin her plans. She reminded
him lots of times. It’s on him.

If he owes her money, he owes her money. Not sure why she should have to wait to accommodate your dh’s job. He should get another job or a loan and pay for his child.

Randomness12 · 11/04/2022 10:21

Wow, he is not great is he?!

I can see why she is angry, he owes her a fortune. Whether she needs it or not, it is owed and he needs to pay for his daughter as agreed.

His work being seasonal is not her problem, she has to pay to clothe, feed and house SD 22 nights a month compared to your measly 8 - and that’s 12 months of the year, not just the ones he can be bothered to work in.

He needs to get other work in the months he can’t do his normal job to ensure he can keep up with maintenance.

Your anger here is misplaced. Poor SD.

PriestessofPing · 11/04/2022 10:22

Is it true that she has been waiting months and months for maintenance? And is a student trying to get through a uni course? No wonder she is fucked off, and how did time get away from him if his child was out playing in the street? Hardly like they were engaged in any father daughter bonding time was it?

You are both being horrible, frankly, this is maintenance money for his child. He needs to pay his ex the money and pay more attention to parenting on the few days a month he actually has her. Poor kid.

ShaneTwane · 11/04/2022 10:23

To echo others your husband's being a dick. He owes her £400 he must pay it and not throw his toys out of the pram. This is his child too. Fuck off with the he can't work excuse when she is with him he can look into childcare if needed. She is his daughter as well he isn't a bloody babysitter doing mum a favour.

ItsSnowJokes · 11/04/2022 10:23

It was agreed between them both that he would catch up with payments when he was working more but she is actively not allowing him to work so how can he pay?

He gets childcare like any other family does!

They are both acting like dicks but your husband is the way bigger dick. He needs to pay for his responsibilities. I think mum is probably at tye end of her tether with all the bills going up and your husband is just refusing to pay and she literally can't afford it anymore.

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