To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

[constintine]

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

Poor kid 😢

@constintine

SD is back with the mum and DH has told her he will pay it when he can.

Ha ha, does be say that to you when it's time to lay rent/bills/shopping?

I'll bet 50p he has money to buy himself things like... A coffee and sausage roll when out and about, and I'll out another 50p down in thinking he bought himself something non essential in the last 3 months.

Money that could have been spent on his daughter that is living a lower standard of life because of him. The £400+ he owes could have given DD better quality food, bought her new shoes, paid for swimming lessons, given her decent new coat for the winter etc

Everyone is being a bit dramatic here. Dad has lost track of time so forgot to put tea on. Everyone has done that surely. The dramatic ones amongst you are making more of this than is needed. Child was going back home with mum so, although I see why mum was a bit peed off, there's no need for the dramatics on here. Everyone drops the ball now and then. Saying that IF mum is genuinely struggling for money I see why she's taken the stance she has. If she has the daughter the vast majority of the time and provides meals and hasn't been getting sufficient maintenance it's no surprise she's flipped. Maybe it is time dad stepped up a bit more and had the child for holidays and more during the weeks to take pressure of mum. I can't see why a dad wouldn't want to spend time and provide for his child regardless of his relationship with the mum. Tell him to grow up a bit, have a great week with his daughter and pay what he owes so she has nothing to complain about him for and get on with being a good dad

Egh you know this is as SM something that would make me want to bang the parents heads together.

That said neither parent acted well. Mum shouldn't have been petty about the dinner and then try to punish your DH because of a simple mistake. She knew she would get a reaction and that shouldn't surprise anyone.

He absolutely shouldn't have then decided to throw petrol on the fire and sent that text about the money. Especially if she's been understanding about the money and his work. He knew he would get a reaction and that shouldn't surprise anyone.

If I was you op I would be like yes she shouldn't have done that but neither should you and you both need to start working together for the benefit of the child you share.

Then I would simply say to DH that two wrongs don't make a right and he's got many more years of co parenting together and if a civil relationship is feasible with mum, he should be working on that.

This is adults causing issues that don't need to exist in a blended family.

Storm in a tea cup.

@Looneytune253

Everyone is being a bit dramatic here. Dad has lost track of time so forgot to put tea on. Everyone has done that surely. The dramatic ones amongst you are making more of this than is needed. Child was going back home with mum so, although I see why mum was a bit peed off, there's no need for the dramatics on here. Everyone drops the ball now and then. Saying that IF mum is genuinely struggling for money I see why she's taken the stance she has. If she has the daughter the vast majority of the time and provides meals and hasn't been getting sufficient maintenance it's no surprise she's flipped. Maybe it is time dad stepped up a bit more and had the child for holidays and more during the weeks to take pressure of mum. I can't see why a dad wouldn't want to spend time and provide for his child regardless of his relationship with the mum. Tell him to grow up a bit, have a great week with his daughter and pay what he owes so she has nothing to complain about him for and get on with being a good dad

I have never forgot to feed my child. That's basic parenting.

@Looneytune253

Everyone is being a bit dramatic here. Dad has lost track of time so forgot to put tea on. Everyone has done that surely. The dramatic ones amongst you are making more of this than is needed. Child was going back home with mum so, although I see why mum was a bit peed off, there's no need for the dramatics on here. Everyone drops the ball now and then. Saying that IF mum is genuinely struggling for money I see why she's taken the stance she has. If she has the daughter the vast majority of the time and provides meals and hasn't been getting sufficient maintenance it's no surprise she's flipped. Maybe it is time dad stepped up a bit more and had the child for holidays and more during the weeks to take pressure of mum. I can't see why a dad wouldn't want to spend time and provide for his child regardless of his relationship with the mum. Tell him to grow up a bit, have a great week with his daughter and pay what he owes so she has nothing to complain about him for and get on with being a good dad

She said she was struggling to buy food, to someone in that position having to get a dinner you thought you wouldn't have to can be stressful. She probably wouldn't have made a deal of it if this selfish arse of a man had paid maintenance.

Your dh needs to get better at money management to pay regularly. The months he has lots of work he should be putting some aside to be able to make regular payments to his ex when his work is quiet. She shouldn't have to deal with up and down payments, he needs to pay regularly and on time.

Rough as a badgers arse...ick...that poor woman and her child. 8 crappy nights a month and hundreds owed in CM, what a catch your husband is.

Everyone is being a bit dramatic here. Dad has lost track of time so forgot to put tea on. Everyone has done that surely.

@Looneytune253 Not when someone was taking my child out no.

And it’s not like he has the taxing task of remembering to feed his child often.

Can you not see how with a lazy ex who does the bare minimum in terms of contact and doesn’t pay properly something like that could be the proverbial straw?

I just feel so sad that poor kid has a Dad and a SM that don't give a shit she doesn't get fed or that she isn't provided for.

I hope you are still reading op - if you genuinely have no influence within your marriage I really feel sorry for you too.

@JustLyra

Everyone is being a bit dramatic here. Dad has lost track of time so forgot to put tea on. Everyone has done that surely.

@Looneytune253 Not when someone was taking my child out no.

And it’s not like he has the taxing task of remembering to feed his child often.

Can you not see how with a lazy ex who does the bare minimum in terms of contact and doesn’t pay properly something like that could be the proverbial straw?

Yes but the drama being everyone is saying 'if someone else was picking them up' and yes they were but it was just mum and they were going home so it's not the end of the world like everyone is making out. If you read the rest of my post tho I agree it seems like the straw that's broke the camels back tho I get that but people are taking it out of context like it was actually their day out he'd ruined

@Waxonwaxoff0 I have never forgot to feed my child. That's basic parenting.

I get that but losing track of time and having a late tea is not the end of the world either. We do that all the time. Kids still get fed just later on if everyone has been busy.

He's shown you who he is. I imagine you are leaving soon.

Has contact 8 nights a month, forgot to feed his daughter and is withholding child maintenance.

You’re a lucky woman OP.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind

He needs to borrow the money from somewhere and pay what he owes immediately. This mother may really be struggling and even if he did forget.

• OP Google weaponised incompetence

He should have flung a sandwich and snacks for her to eat in car/ bus home.

@Looneytune253

Everyone is being a bit dramatic here. Dad has lost track of time so forgot to put tea on. Everyone has done that surely. The dramatic ones amongst you are making more of this than is needed. Child was going back home with mum so, although I see why mum was a bit peed off, there's no need for the dramatics on here. Everyone drops the ball now and then. Saying that IF mum is genuinely struggling for money I see why she's taken the stance she has. If she has the daughter the vast majority of the time and provides meals and hasn't been getting sufficient maintenance it's no surprise she's flipped. Maybe it is time dad stepped up a bit more and had the child for holidays and more during the weeks to take pressure of mum. I can't see why a dad wouldn't want to spend time and provide for his child regardless of his relationship with the mum. Tell him to grow up a bit, have a great week with his daughter and pay what he owes so she has nothing to complain about him for and get on with being a good dad

Yes, but a normal person, would have made her some sandwiches, or grabbed something from the fridge or given her mum a fiver to buy something in the way home...not just said "oh well, I forgot to give my child any food, so they can go home and wait even longer and someone else can sort it out"

@constintine

SD is back with the mum and DH has told her he will pay it when he can.

And who is providing for his daughter in the meantime, @constintine? She will still need food, heating, clothes etc, etc. Those expenses will not just go away until your prince of a husband can bother his arse to pay the child maintenance that he already owes!

Frankly, I am appalled that you are happy to condone his neglect of his own child - because make no bones about it, refusing to pay the child maintenance he owes IS neglect, and marks him out as a dead beat dad.

@Looneytune253

Everyone is being a bit dramatic here. Dad has lost track of time so forgot to put tea on. Everyone has done that surely. The dramatic ones amongst you are making more of this than is needed. Child was going back home with mum so, although I see why mum was a bit peed off, there's no need for the dramatics on here. Everyone drops the ball now and then. Saying that IF mum is genuinely struggling for money I see why she's taken the stance she has. If she has the daughter the vast majority of the time and provides meals and hasn't been getting sufficient maintenance it's no surprise she's flipped. Maybe it is time dad stepped up a bit more and had the child for holidays and more during the weeks to take pressure of mum. I can't see why a dad wouldn't want to spend time and provide for his child regardless of his relationship with the mum. Tell him to grow up a bit, have a great week with his daughter and pay what he owes so she has nothing to complain about him for and get on with being a good dad

Everyone has done that surely

No, actually I've never forgotten to feed my child. And your other comments about it not being an issue because it's 'just mum' picking her up are also offensive.