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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

495 replies

constintine · 11/04/2022 10:02

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

OP posts:
lovingtheheat · 11/04/2022 11:33

As I was reading your post I was thinking to myself that perhaps the reason the ex is treating not feeding SD as a major issue is due to her struggling to afford to buy food for meals. You then go on to state that she said exactly this (" I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me").

So it's all very well and good saying if the show were on the other foot that you would just feed her. From what she has said, she has said she doesn't have that luxury.

In view of the above and the fact that she is owed maintenance and does the lions share of care YABU.

purplecorkheart · 11/04/2022 11:34

Your poor SD .

Your Dh is a jerk. He seems to be blaming everyone for his crap. He lost track of time because his daughter was playing outside. Ah no I bet he just could not be bothered.

He only pays for his daughter when he is working. Ah, it does not work that way. Kids don't stop needing to eat etc on off season times. Why the hell is he not doing shifts in a shop, bar, chipper etc when he is not working at this job to support his daughter. Lots and lots of places are crying out for causal workers.

He does not get to withhold his daughter's money because he is mad at her mother. I do not agree with her mother's actions but she sounds like she really struggling. Your husband needs to step up to plate and start paying the money he owes her. If this means taking on a second job etc then he must do that.

Fulmine · 11/04/2022 11:34

So that gives her the right to say she's not taking her child back? It was genuine mistake that he forgot to feed her, not a massive deal.

I'm struggling to get past this, OP. You don't just forget to feed your child, it's ridiculous. He knew he was supposed to produce dinner, the fact that his daughter was playing didn't prevent him from doing that. You know that, had you been there, you would simply have got the dinner ready and called her in. Why couldn't your partner do the same? You can see why it was annoying for her that she somehow had to magic a dinner up on her return and her daughter would be eating late.

As for your partner viewing looking after his daughter as a favour to his ex, words fail me.

Original poster
constintine · 11/04/2022 11:35

@Quitelikeit

This is ridiculous. I would drop her home and go to work.
She won't answer the door if he does that though.
OP posts:
Neverhot · 11/04/2022 11:38

I can't believe you think it's OK for him to control her by withholding child maintenace! You say she is not letting him work to pay it, but he had already told her he was not paying it anytime soon.
Honestly, whilst her response might not be the best, I can fully understand why she has done it. She is at uni, struggling to feed her child and your useless dh won't pay her.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/04/2022 11:38

@constintine replying to the lone poster who backs her up Grin You're husband is Being unreasonable and is a bad father

SD1978 · 11/04/2022 11:38

They are both our of order- but he has very little responsibility- all he had to do was get her in for her dinner and he didn't. And there is no way he had planned to pay her back this week, so it's a tad disingenuous to say that not working this week will stop him paying- he'd already not paid and that is taking a liberty.

PunchMunch · 11/04/2022 11:39

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

It would set most parents who've been fully covering all the costs. Really really shitty thing for a parent to do. Refusing to provide for his child to spite the ex.

The men I know who do this irl (my own father included) are dickheads in many other ways too. Doesn't matter that he would say "ok no problem" if she forgot to feed their child (bet he'd call her useless though the way you've made him sound) he can't just opt out of his financial obligation to his little girl. Does he hate his ex that much he'd punish his child to get her back?

Over how many months has that £400 built up? If it's over a few months it sounds like he pays a small amount anyway. I'd suggest she goes to CMS but he sounds like the type who, if self employed, would fiddle his books so he didn't have to pay a fair amount. Does he make comments on her income and spending too? I've seen men in real life who act like paying for their child is some kind of favour and keep tabs on what think their ex has coming in or if they find out she's had a haircut go in like his child support is paying for his ex to have nails done etc.

It's the school holiday, kids aren't free, costs are rising, it's still cold enough to need the heating on, why does he think he can just opt out of funding his child and expecting her mother to do it all? Is there a reason he can't get a job to contribute for his child during months he doesn't work instead of expecting her mum to pick up slack for him?

He sounds horrible.

Fulmine · 11/04/2022 11:39

We have all lost trac of time and fed our children late

The point is the ex wasn't expecting to have to produce dinner and wouldn't necessarily have something suitable in the house - particularly given that her child's father is way behind with maintenance.

mumwon · 11/04/2022 11:42

the maintenance is for his dd not for the his exw - therefore he is punishing his dd
his ex was annoyed that he didn't do as requested - so made life awkward -BUT he is already behind in his payments (nb fore his dd!!!) & ex has not pursued him but been patience. He SHOULD have fed HIS dc when requested which made his ex's life difficult - again. She felt he was selfish & she was right. She decided to teach him a lesson which he deserved - no way is he in the right BUT no way does she have the right to stop dd seeing her father

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/04/2022 11:42

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance

Well he needs to find another job during those other months so he can actually provide for his child. What does he actually do when he's not working?

Fulmine · 11/04/2022 11:42

Does your husband realise that if he doesn't pay maintenance it's his child who will lose out? Her mother is going to struggle with coming up with money for school uniform, school trips, birthday treats and parties, presents if she's asked to other children's parties - to say nothing of heating, hot water, clothes and food. She will be struggling even more currently given the way prices have shot up.

What does he do during the months when he is not working in his business? Is there any reason he can't take on casual work or a second job?

EsmeeMerlin · 11/04/2022 11:43

Well your DH is a complete arsehole, he was reminded that he needed to feed his daughter before she was picked up and didn't then tries to use money as a weapon. Your DH can't choose when and if he pays maintenance. It's not a stick to beat his ex with if she doesn't behave the way he wants her to. Am not surprised she flipped out. I do think she could have held her temper and picked up her daughter but with an arsehole like your dp maybe now he is forced to have his daughter he will actually feed and pay for her. Sorry op team ex here

SilverDragonfly1 · 11/04/2022 11:43

For goodness sake don't have any children with this man. You've got a very clear example of how he's going to treat you once he moves on.

Teeturtle · 11/04/2022 11:44

Not taking her child back.

She is your prick of a husbands child too you know, she is with one of her parents, he hasn’t been babysitting a pet rabbit.

He is a disgrace and so are you for taking his side. She is probably at the end of her tether.

heartofgrass · 11/04/2022 11:44

I am sat here with my mouth wide open in shock. How DARE your husband do this?!

Didn't feed his daughter and now refusing maintenance payments? He owes her money? Only 8 days a month? Not even extra in holidays?!
He should be having her a week of her Easter holidays as standard anyway and arrange childcare if he needs to. Time for him to actually parent the poor child. And you should stop enabling him. Disgusting.

Velvian · 11/04/2022 11:44

She was doing your DH a massive favour by agreeing to a delay in payment of contributions to the upkeep of his daughter. In her eyes, she asked 1 small thing of him, more than once. She is fed up and taking action. Good for her for having the balls, I think.

Time management is a major part of being a parent, your DH does not have to parent very often, so I understand that this may be the straw that broke the camal's back.

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 11:46

Does he cover the school holidays in those months he's not working?

Bibbetybobbity · 11/04/2022 11:47

The point around the dinner is that he only has his daughter 8 days a month. It’s not the same as someone who cares for their child more frequently, or full time, and in either of those cases it’s ‘one of those things’. If it’s just 8 days a month then dinner most definitely needs to be fed and accounted for. I can understand why the mum has run out of patience.

HappyChops1 · 11/04/2022 11:47

It's one thing feeding your child a bit late when you're just at home with nothing else going on but no I genuinely can't see most parents just forgetting to feed their child when they have somewhere to be or are being picked up at a certain time.

Chloemol · 11/04/2022 11:47

They are both out of order

Your partner should be sorting his work so he can pay her on time, if that means getting another job, or saving for when he doesn’t/can’t work it’s up to him, but she should not be out the money.

However she shouldn’t just assume he can take his daughter if he has to work.

Both seem to need to grow up and put their daughter first

RandomMess · 11/04/2022 11:48

They are both out of order.

What is stop your DH now declaring that he has DD full time, putting in a claim for Child Maintenance and CMS?

All this over poor communication. Why did he not call her and apologise?

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 11:50

What is stop your DH now declaring that he has DD full time, putting in a claim for Child Maintenance and CMS?

Lack of willingness, responsibility, interest and competence...

PunchMunch · 11/04/2022 11:52

@mumwon

the maintenance is for his dd not for the his exw - therefore he is punishing his dd his ex was annoyed that he didn't do as requested - so made life awkward -BUT he is already behind in his payments (nb fore his dd!!!) & ex has not pursued him but been patience. He SHOULD have fed HIS dc when requested which made his ex's life difficult - again. She felt he was selfish & she was right. She decided to teach him a lesson which he deserved - no way is he in the right BUT no way does she have the right to stop dd seeing her father
She hasn't stopped him seeing his daughter though, the opposite, the daughter is with him now.
HappyChops1 · 11/04/2022 11:54

What is stop your DH now declaring that he has DD full time, putting in a claim for Child Maintenance and CMS

Because I imagine he'd rather give her back at the first opportunity.