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Original poster

To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

495 replies

constintine · 11/04/2022 10:02

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 11/04/2022 18:54

Pay really good attention to all thi @constintine . He's showing you exactly where he puts his child and his child's mum on his list if priorities. Right at the bottom. This will be you one day.

TheBigPeach · 11/04/2022 18:57

I think he should pay her what he owes, it must be difficult for her to budget when she doesn’t know when she will get maintenance. I’m sure her money is tight if he’s also in university.

newbiename · 11/04/2022 18:57

@constintine

SD is back with the mum and DH has told her he will pay it when he can.
Wow. Will mum feed her ' when she can ' ? Your husband is a disgrace.
TheBigPeach · 11/04/2022 18:58

*she’s not he’s

Livpool · 11/04/2022 19:00

@constintine

SD is back with the mum and DH has told her he will pay it when he can.
Sorry but he sounds awful. What is her mum supposed to do?! Does she feed her daughter when she can?!

All the adults here are rubbish but your husband is a disgrace

britneyisfree · 11/04/2022 19:03

He's a waste man. Get rid babe

CandyLeBonBon · 11/04/2022 19:08

Bollocks to 'time ran away from him'.

What kind of parent just 'forgets' to feed their child.

What a complete knob.

Cactuslove · 11/04/2022 19:10

The thing is SDs mum hasn't got the choice to be a part time parent. She hasn't got the luxury of forgetting to feed her daughter... or just not paying a £400 bill. Your DP is irresponsible and sadly exactly what a lot of us single mums have become used to. I will bet my mortgage on the fact there's been other things... being sent home in dirty clothes etc.

She was always going to accept her daughter back she was just desperately trying to call his bluff.

Cocomarine · 11/04/2022 20:16

Some women will just accept any old arsehole 🤷🏻‍♀️

WhoKnewWho · 11/04/2022 20:20

So, he didn't feed his child and owes child maintenance back payment. He sounds awful.

tirednewmumm · 11/04/2022 20:25

So he hasn't paid the maintenance for her food or clothes etc, let's hope she's not hungry or in need of anything before her dad coughs up eh. Does her mum get to opt out of paying for her food too?
Your husband is a deadbeat

howtomoveforwards · 11/04/2022 20:26

This has got to to be a joke thread surely no ones standards are that low

My ex has had an endless queue of women happy to be with him, knowing he doesn’t support his children. It’s been 13 years. I think there are way too many women out there who’s standards are way down in the bargain basement.

NotTheOW · 11/04/2022 20:29

Your husband is disgusting

WhoKnewWho · 11/04/2022 20:30

All three of you adults seem horrendous!

Pebbledashery · 11/04/2022 21:55

Poor child. 3 useless adults in her life.

MortiaAdams · 11/04/2022 21:59

@constintine
"So that gives her the right to say she's not taking her child back? It was genuine mistake that he forgot to feed her, not a massive deal."

It IS a massive deal that he forgot to feed his child!!

Toomanyradishes · 11/04/2022 22:05

So that gives her the right to say she's not taking her child back? It was genuine mistake that he forgot to feed her, not a massive deal.

She also has the right at any point to decide she only wants her daughter 6 times a month and your dh has to step up for the rest.

You do know mother doesnt have to equal default carer right?

CJsGoldfish · 11/04/2022 22:53

Imagine choosing to be with a man who withholds money from his child and/or doesn't even prioritise it in the first place. They are nothing but scum.
How are you not more embarrassed rather than defending his shit actions?
God, some women settle for anything rather than be alone.

thequeenoftarts · 11/04/2022 22:57

He would never see his child again if it were me, and yes I would explain to the child that sadly Daddy thinks it is okay that you don't eat some days, nor have toys, clothes, presents, school lunches... He is a bastard of the highest degree and I don't know how you can stay with him, but just remember this and when you have kids with him and he says something similar to you ..Shame on you for not giving him a good kick up the arse

Iamnotin · 11/04/2022 23:06

I think the mother over-reacted to her 9 year old not having had dinner before she picked her up but the fall out was ridiculously overblown. The poor child, argument may have been by text but i can imagine the atmosphere in your home was awful, and that she would have overheard her dad telling you that he wasn't going to give her mother any money, mother refusing to take her home etc.

Surely no way you can think it's reasonable that a man refuses to pay child support because the mother of his child isn't grateful enough to him and dares to criticise his parenting? What if you were in her shoes, would you think he was within his rights then?

To echo all the PPs don't have kids with this man or you may find out. He's showing you who he is.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2022 23:29

Are you planning on having kids with him OP?
If you do, you might find you develop a little more empathy with his ex then

girlmom21 · 12/04/2022 06:42

@constintine

SD is back with the mum and DH has told her he will pay it when he can.
We all know he can and he's just a twat
SD1978 · 12/04/2022 06:48

@constintine - and funnily enough- it won't be this week he pays her, even though the alleged loss of wages this week was his reason for withholding it even longer........absolute belter you've got yourself there.......

DropYourSword · 12/04/2022 07:34

@constintine

SD is back with the mum and DH has told her he will pay it when he can.
When he can be arsed, more like
00100001 · 12/04/2022 07:46

@Enko

Wow I am surprised by how many are jumping at the dad here.

We have all lost trac of time and fed our children late. It doesn't need a mega lie in 2 days later to get over. Mum is mega unreasonable. How can dad pay what he owed when mum is preventing him from working.?

He should not have said the dont expect payment thing but I do get whynhe said it out of frustration. If he is self employed cancelling could have long time effects on his work.

They both need some anger management classes.

I woild however have dropped dd back to her mum having responded to the text. This doesn't work for me I am working you need to sort childcare for your time with dd.

Yes, we lose track of time. But he clearly wasn't even attempting to make dinner. And, any normal person would have done something like make up some sandwiches really quickly and given their kid those and an apple or something, and explained that she was busy playing and time got away etc

Or said to Mum what happened, apologised and given mum £5 and said , "I'm so sorry, DD was playing, I was doing x, and could you take her to Maccys/chippy/wherever on the way home"

As for seasonal work, he either needs to

  1. spread his money across the year, so he can pay his bills. Surely he pays rent etc during his off season?? So he can save money in season, for the off season payments.

  2. find a second job for when he's out of season

  3. get a new job that pays reliably through the year.