To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

[constintine]

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

YAB so U I can't believe what I just read. I'm not going to repeat what other pp's have said but the poor woman has said she can't afford to feed her child without the money, that is the reason she's annoyed about not feeding her and why she's now saying she can't have her back.

Jesus OP, you're enabling a waste of space. Set a higher bar.

Bet dp didn’t forget to fed himself.

This sounds like a woman at the end of her tether with an ex who is an arsehole. He is, there’s no escaping it. That said, they’re both using their daughter as a weapon and they’re unreasonable. Poor kid stuck in the middle of it all.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance

Or months of being the primary parent. If he can't provide for his child with money he must provide for her with time.

Imagine being 9 years old and knowing your basic fucking subsistence (dinner) is too much of a financial burden for either parent to bear. Your H wins the gold medal for arseholery.

Your husband is a fucking arsehole, isn’t he?
I’m not surprised you name changed to post that it wasn’t him in the wrong 🙄

I’m divorced. Have dinner times sometimes gone awry? Course they have. Neither of us have just not bothered to feed the kids. Forgotten, my arse. He didn’t bother.

In those cases where the day hasn’t gone to plan, both my ex and I would throw the other a quick, “she’s out playing still do I’ve not fed her yet - does it suit you if I leave it, or shall I get a sandwich into her just before pick up?”

He has no excuse not to have fed her.
And he’s fucking pathetic for not paying his maintenance.

Your DH is shit. He only has her 8 days in a whole month, nearly all of them weekends, and yet has the audacity not to pay maintenance or give his dd dinner??? Hope you aren’t breeding with this cesspit of a human being.

Your partner is totally in the wrong here.
The mum is acting like a dick but it sounds like she’s been driven to it. He needs to apologise and sort out some money.

Neither of them are covering themselves in glory but SD mum is essentially doing what your DH did. She has stopped providing childcare, just like he stopped providing maintenance. Now he is scrambling to work around this just as SD mum scrambled without the funds to feed her daughter.

For SD (and just because he should) I would suggest DH pays the money as soon as possible. Then he should ensure he has a savings buffer so he can consistently provide for his daughter. She doesn't stop eating/growing because he hasn't got money that week.

Then perhaps a long hard look at how to be adults raising SD rather than resorting to silly games.

Your husband sounds like an arsehole.
He didn't feed her, despite being asked several times.
Then he sent a message saying she can whistle for her maintenance. AND he is behind on the maintenance regardless!!

Yes, mum is unreasonable for changing plans today at last minute. But can you really not see where her frustrations are coming from??

Oh and BOLLOCKS to only being able to work certain months of the year. Several industries are crying out for workers - agency, causal work - caring, hospitality, food production. So maybe he could get off his disgrace of a lazy arse and work to feed his child?

I can’t believe you’re backing his shit with a pathetic excuse like that.

If he can’t earn enough for the year in his current seasonal job, and he can’t pick up off season work, then he needs to change his job.

The ex has a point.

He sees her 8 nights a week, forgets to feed her, withholds child support and he got arsey bc the mum said she needed a lie in and he has the audacity to say “don’t expect any more favours”?!

This has got to be a wind up.
Yes, she’s unreasonable to leave her kid with your partner - but it sounds like he needs a harsh reminder that he’s no less of a parent than she is.

8 nights a month, lol. 8 nights a week would be quite the trick.

Your partner is in the wrong here
The forgotten meal - not. Major issue
The owed cms, the fact he sees having his child as a favour - completely out of order
Pay up on time regularly or have her full time

Yeah they're both being dickheads and I feel so sorry for the daughter.

If your partner only has his child a mere 8 nights a month, he's got plenty of time to go out and earn money to pay regular maintenance. Hospitality has been crying out for employees, if his usual work is that slowed down, he could either spend more time with his daughter or go out and pick up additional work to pay the maintenance he owes?

But instead he threatens not to pay it at all--when maintenance is to feed, clothe and house his own child. Nice one.

The mum's actions aren't great either, that poor little girl must feel so rejected.

Suggest you read your post again, OP. How did you think it was going to go? Your husband is a prize dick for withholding maintenance. End of story. And I don’t buy time getting away from him. A sandwich takes about 3 minutes to make.

Bad form.

Quite frankly op you are ALL out of order.

You for backing up your husband being a dick and irresponsible parent.

Your husband for being a crappy father right now

And the mum for not going about this all im the best way

I feel for this poor girl that is caught in the middle of it all. At the end of the day someone here needs to be the grown up step up and take control. The step mum has made it clear that all your husband needs to do here is pay the money he OWES her so if that ends all of this ridiculous drama I dont understand why he hasnt. All that needs to happen is a simple bank transfer.

As much as you clearly are going to sit here and defend youe husbands corner to the end surely the fact that majority of posters are telling you he is in the wrong must have meant a light bulb went off in your head.

Someone do right by this girl invovled and just act like an adult! Jesus!

He owes several months maintenance for his child and event that sounds like it's fuck all to begin with.
You say he's not being 'allowed' to work - well he can work the other 22 days a month, can't he??
He can't even feed her. Has to be reminded several times by his ex.

Her mother didn't cover herself in glory here but he's way way worse.

How you even get turned on by this utter waster is beyond me.

My partners ex has never had to frequently message him reminding him to feed his kids and time has never got away from him so much that he forgot, he is an adult that chose to have a child, he should be able to look after that child. Child maintenance is supposed to be paid monthly, it sounds like she’s agreed out of desperation so at least she gets something whilst looking after their child 22 nights a month. You seem annoyed he will miss work and not get a wage because you rely on that money, your SD Mum will rely on the child maintenance too.

I hope this is a reverse or a troll because if not you have very low standards.

Your husband is so out of order.
Plus not keen on 9 year olds playing in the street either tbh.
Pay the bloody maintenance.
My dh has never been a day late in the 7 years he has paid his.

What a dick your husband is.

I think she is bang out of order

Your DH is bang out of order.

I would question anyone’s parenting skills if they forget to feed their child it’s literally the basics of parenting.

If I was her mum I would do the complete opposite and reduce contact if he forgot to feed her and doesn’t care that she doesn’t have maintenance money to eat properly at home.
What a terrible father he is.

She has her the majority of the time and yet he still owes hundreds of child maintenance.
How is she meant to afford to feed her?

I think she sounds very understanding but it sounds like her kindness has been taken for weakness and your DH is treating her like a mug.
It’s about time she put her foot down and put her child first.

Let’s hope if you ever break up he doesn’t act this way around your children.

I really feel for the mum here, she must be on her knees.
Imagine being a single mum , put yourself in her shoes.

I hope this is a reverse or a troll because if not you have very low standards.

I agree.
I am trying to imagine my partner acting like this and me not being repulsed by him.

I have an ex who 'forgets' to feed his DC. Really it is because he is too tight to pay for food for them. My DC are now seeing that their Dad can't be arsed to do the most simple act of parenting, feeding. And it is impacting on the way they view him. You DH needs to tread carefully here if he wants to maintain a relationship with his DD.