Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 19 20

Original poster

To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

495 replies

constintine · 11/04/2022 10:02

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

OP posts:

SnowingInApril · 11/04/2022 12:29

He owes her £400? How does he think she is managing to feed her? Clothe her? Pay for her day to day expenses?
Also hate the fact that he sees having his child for an extra day as doing the child’s mother a favour. 8 days out of 30/31 isn’t a great deal of parenting in the scheme of things.

He was wrong to threaten her financially.

Solidarityovercharity · 11/04/2022 12:30

The poor kid

Bobbins36 · 11/04/2022 12:31

@constintine

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

Both DH and ex behaving in a riduculous fashion. He SHOULD have fed the kid having agreed to it - time running away with him is a poor excuse, he should just have done it. and he needs to pay her the mainetenance which is owed (for his kid - its not spending money for the ex!!!) Ex shoudn't be withholding access though - not fair on kid.

Rosebel · 11/04/2022 12:33

Why do you only have her for 8 nights when your husband doesn't work certain months? How lazy and uninterested is he in his child?
He only has her 8 nights but doesn't even spend time with her as she was out playing when he was meant to feed her?
And yes it's absolutely horrible to refuse to pay money for his own child. He needs to grow up and stop acting like a teenager.

JustLyra · 11/04/2022 12:33

It sounds like not feeding her was the proverbial straw for his ex.

She does the bulk of the parenting, she’s owed hundreds and then he can’t even do one simple thing when she asks

Everyone’s goodwill has a snapping point. He found hers.

Funny how it’s not ok for her to snap and impact the child, but fine for him to retaliate to her wanting a lie in by not paying - which impacts the child.

custardbear · 11/04/2022 12:37

Petty squabbling to be frank

Your husband has parental responsibilities he's not fulfilling
Money
Feeding his child
Being a responsible parent
Stop shifting blame

The mum shouldn't change her plans but your DH has essentially let team child down many times

Your DH needs to grow up and you need to stop being his stirring rod - he's in the wrong

Pebbledashery · 11/04/2022 12:37

I could never respect a man like your husband, let alone marry him.

GettingItOutThere · 11/04/2022 12:37

your husband is a dick.

no-one loses track of time when needing to feed kids, and its important she gets fed before she goes, he is massively in the wrong here.

he owes the child maintenance money...he needs to pay it

the mother clearly sounds frustrated, i dont blame her for lashing out. quite honestly.

you really think this man of yours is a good dad?

billy1966 · 11/04/2022 12:37

Poor child, surrounded by this drama.

Your husband is an absolute waster.

Are you planning on having children with this prize?🙄

Doesn't pay his tiny maintenance on time, conveniently forgets to feed the child?

He's a waster.

That you can't see this and defend him is nearly worse.

Your standards must be on the ground.

Poor child.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 11/04/2022 12:37

The OP clearly didnt want opinions. She has ignored 99% of posters and only bothered to reply to one person telling her to just drop the daughter home.

Some people are just shit people. The OP and her husband fall into that category. They dont want to hear other opinions and when they do, they just carry on merrily thinking they're right and everyone else is wrong.

Glamping1234 · 11/04/2022 12:40

It always amazes me how ex's claim to not be able to have their children due to work commitments...yet millions of single mums with very little support manage to work/study.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/04/2022 12:42

My husband also does the 'forgot to feed them' schtick, it gets old really quickly. She's 9, it's up to the adults in the family to sort out dinner not for the kid to remind the parent it's dinner time.

And withholding money? Sounds like a stellar parent.

They're both out of order tbh, but what do you expect her mother to do - if she can't afford to feed her child, then just let her go hungry? a bit like her own father did but through laziness

JuneOsborne · 11/04/2022 12:45

Gosh, what a sorry situation. If all of the adults in this child's life actually put her first, none of this would have happened.

Your husband has to pay for his daughter. If his work is seasonal, he should take an off season job to make sure he can always pay. How do you manage your finances with his seasonal work? Do you take a mortgage holiday in the months he doesn't work? Gas bills? Water? No, I'll bet they get paid...

He should have fed his daughter. He could have made a quick sandwich for her eat in the car.

The mum can't just say she won't see her daughter until you pay, because this not fair on the girl.

So whilst the parents are doing weird, damaging shit, why don't you think about putting this girl first? Help your husband with the owed maintenance payments? Even if you can't afford the money, find a way together. And make a plan moving forward that the money is always there.

Bagelsandbrie · 11/04/2022 12:46

Wow and I thought my ex was an arse……!

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 11/04/2022 12:47

So - he doesn't pay for his daughter's food etc. when she is at her Mum's (just leaves the money owing and doesn't concern himself about what his child will live on while he doesn't pay). Child support isn't pocket money - it is to cover daily needs.

Then, to make things even worse, he doesn't feed his child when she is with him either.

Does this really sound fair to you OP?

I understand that he struggles sometimes with work being seasonal... but I expect that he feeds himself in that time.

Campervangirl · 11/04/2022 12:48

Your DH is a complete dick and you are an enabler, how can you not see that he's in the wrong?

The dm is at uni, probably on some type of benefit or bursary which will mean that money is very tight.

She probably wanted DD fed as it was his night and dm probably hadn't accounted for an additional meal for DD.

To top it off he owes her £400 in back maintenance, do you have any idea what a difference having £400 makes to a single parent?
That's exactly what the dm is, a single parent.
He has his own child 8 days out of 30 and then threatens to withhold the maintenance he owes for the upkeep of his own child.
Plus he can only pay when he has work, why doesn't he get another job and pay for the child he helped bring into the world? I'll tell you why, because he doesn't want to.
It's no wonder she's kicked off, she'll be sick to death of him and quite rightly so.

He's a Prince among men.
You should both be ashamed of yourselves

TeaStory · 11/04/2022 12:48

@Bobbins36 Ex shoudn't be withholding access though - not fair on kid.

She isn’t withholding access, quite the opposite!

The ex sounds at the end of her tether and maybe forcing this useless man to be a parent is the only option left to her if he treats her words with such contempt.

Gizacluethen · 11/04/2022 12:48

Your partner is bang out of order and she's at the end of her tether. He didn't bother to feed her, and he can't be arsed to pay towards her living either. Feeding your child isn't optional, either directly or through paying.

IncompleteSenten · 11/04/2022 12:52

He forgets to feed his child and thinks financial support is an optional extra that can be withheld if his ex is naughty.

Maybe being primary carer for a while will give him a much needed dose of reality.he has a child. He has obligations

ConkerBonkers · 11/04/2022 12:52

Do you think perhaps one reason the mother was cross about her kid not being fed is that she maybe struggles to afford to feed her herself, and hadn't planned for that meal? She's a student, gonna be tough, especially with the cost of living crisis. I think that is what she was trying to say and why she took off so much at the maintenance comment from your husband

HollowTalk · 11/04/2022 12:54

He needs to get a job where he can work every month of the year, not faff about being self employed when half the time there's no work available.

Original poster

constintine · 11/04/2022 12:55

Please not SD doesn't have any idea this is all going on. It's over text.

OP posts:

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 11/04/2022 12:56

Tbh kids that age generally sort their own lunch out. I know my niece runs in, grabs something and runs out again.

However your partner is benefitting massively by only having his dd 8 nights a month and being worked around to facilitate that. The reality of parenting just isnt like that.

To you it probably seems unreasonable and petty. Refusing to have her own child back over a missed lunch. But lets face it this isn't just about that.

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 12:56

@constintine

Please not SD doesn't have any idea this is all going on. It's over text.

Yeah I'm sure your useless husband is keeping a perfect poker face about having to provide childcare rather than go to his beloved part time job that doesn't even pay enough to feed his daughter

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 11/04/2022 12:57

What on earth attracted you to this deadbeat cunt?

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 19 20