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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

495 replies

constintine · 11/04/2022 10:02

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

OP posts:
Evasmissingletter · 11/04/2022 10:58

“ Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year”….. and the rest of the year he needs to find employment so he can pay for his child all year. Her needs don’t stop just because he’s not earning. Forgetting to feed a child is no excuse it’s his responsibility as a father.

itsgettingweird · 11/04/2022 10:59

Does time escape him when he has to be somewhere for a client?

Didn't think so.

He failed to adult and feed his DD.

He owes his dd mum money which will go towards raising his dd and feeding her.

It worries me you're defending him over this.

I wouldn't be rushing to have kids with him anytime soon if you'd planned to and are able to.

incognitoforthisone · 11/04/2022 11:00

Your DP and his ex are both being twats and I feel incredibly sorry for the poor child, who is not only being shifted around from pillar to post over petty arguments, but also being talked about by both her parents as if she is just some kind of expensive burden to be shouldered.

Your DP's ex made way too much fuss about the dinner thing and should not be fucking about with her child's access routine. Your DP owes her £400 in child support and is threatening not to pay that because he has to parent his child for a single extra day.

Neither of them are putting their child first and they both need their heads banging together.

Partyatnumber10 · 11/04/2022 11:01

It was agreed between them both that he would catch up with payments when he was working more but she is actively not allowing him to work so how can he pay?

You and your "d"h are outraged and say he can't work because he has to parent his own daughter for a while. Yet this is the reality of life for her mum most of the time, isn't it? She's juggling a uni course, work? And looking after her child. Whilst your dh swans around child free 22days out of the month.

Admittedly, the course of action she's taking isn't great but she sounds like she's at the end of her tether with your dh refusing to contribute or take a proper amount of responsibility.

And not giving her a meal before she was collected... yes that's just lazy and was probably the straw that broke the camel's back.

Dogscanteatonions · 11/04/2022 11:01

Your husband is being a complete arse. How fucking dare he say he'll withhold maintenance when he is already behind. The mother of his child doesn't haven the option to 'withhold' feeding, clothing and taking care of her - she's having to fork out for all that's involved on her own.

Paying maintenance should absolutely be a top priority and he's being an absolute cunt to withhold it.

I don't think she's handled it the best way but it sounds to me like not giving her dinner is the straw that broke the camel's back. It sounds like she's stuggling and she was probably thinking 'at least I haven't got to do tea'

What do you do OP? You tell your husband to pay for his fucking child.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 11/04/2022 11:04

You and your DH sound well suited, how on earth can you defend his actions?

MangoBiscuit · 11/04/2022 11:04

They both sound awfule, and I really feel for your SD. That poor girl is being used as a pawn by BOTH her parents, who keep trying to punish the other. They BOTH need to grow the fuck up and start putting your SD first.

MangoBiscuit · 11/04/2022 11:04

*awful, fat fingers

Chilledchablis1 · 11/04/2022 11:06

My ex used to pull stunts like this . If I said/ did anything he didn’t like he would withhold maintenance which I depended on.
How dare your DH stop giving money to which she is legally entitled??
And how do you forget to feed a child ?
Sounds like his ex is at the end of her tether .

Deadsouth · 11/04/2022 11:07

It’s definitely a massive deal he forgot to feed her if her mum is already struggling financially and cannot afford to feed her without maintenance.
Your partner is a terrible dad for not supporting his child financially, a child he barely even sees.

Unanananana · 11/04/2022 11:09

That poor child. I hope she isn't witness to the disgusting behaviour of both her parents.

Her mum sounds at the end of her tether. Leaving her DD with her dad is not exactly neglect though. Unless your DH is planning on not feeding her again.

Your DH sounds fucking awful. He needs to pay what he owes NOW, sort out childcare for his pathetic amount of time he is expected to actually parent and feed his child when she is with him. If he not making enough money doing a seasonal job, he needs to get a better one.

You need to stop sticking up for him as nothing he is doing is right by his daughter. I hope to all that is holy that you have watertight contraception as you should not even consider breeding with this specimen.

ReallyIrish · 11/04/2022 11:10

There's a good chance that one day you'll be in the ex's position.

IDontThinkImTheDrama · 11/04/2022 11:11

I don't actually think the food thing is THAT big of a deal, but I'm seeing it from our POV where it wouldn't be a big thing with DH or DSC Mum so I'm probably biased as others think it's bad. In this situation DH or DSCs Mum (whoever was picking up) would probably be mildly irritated but it wouldn't be a thing still the next day, they'd just feed her and get on with it.

However that being said your husband is being a proper dick about the money. In what way do you think he's reasonable? He's essentially not paid toward his child for months and is now refusing to do so because he's annoyed at her Mum.

How is what your husband is doing any different? He's also taking it out on his child by refusing to pay.

If he doesn't want to pay so much he could do his fair share of parenting her for example having her more than 8 days a month?

IDontThinkImTheDrama · 11/04/2022 11:14

But tbh you sound like the kind of people who thinks maintenance is for DSCs Mum to go and get pissed on or something when in reality it's not for her. It's so HIS child can be fed and housed and clothed for the month whilst he's doing the bare minimum parenting (8 days a month!).

He's witholding money from his child not his ex.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/04/2022 11:14

Definitely team SD's mother on this one. Your DH has his child minimal time, owes maintenance and thinks he's doing "favours" for his ex by looking after his own child. Bloody hell

IDontThinkImTheDrama · 11/04/2022 11:15

And whilst as I say above I don't think the food thing would be a big issue in our situation... I can't actually think of a time I've forgotten to give my DC tea.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/04/2022 11:16

Her mum sounds at the end of her tether. Leaving her DD with her dad is not exactly neglect though. Unless your DH is planning on not feeding her again.

Burn! Grin

AryaStarkWolf · 11/04/2022 11:18

Also these men piss me right off, who do they think pays for their child to eat, stay warm etc etc when they decide they have no money "to pay to their ex"?

vivainsomnia · 11/04/2022 11:18

It sounds like he hasn't been paying what he should for a while, rather than not paying now. His not being able to work half a day is a very poor excuse to say he can't pay anything at all. It sounds like she is at the end of her tether because he is rubbish at paying maintenance in time. How can you be defending him?

thatweirdhippygirl · 11/04/2022 11:21

Your DH is an absolute cunt. Why does he think he doesn’t have to pay for the child he made?

8 days a month is piss poor too.

Goldengoosey · 11/04/2022 11:21

Your husband is out of order. Not about not giving his daughter dinner on time but trying to control his ex by withholding money that he owes. This impacts on his daughter. Outrageous that you think this is OK tbh

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 11:22

@AryaStarkWolf

Also these men piss me right off, who do they think pays for their child to eat, stay warm etc etc when they decide they have no money "to pay to their ex"?
Even worse when they've got a wife backing them up because she thinks she should take priority over his ex!
Fidodidit · 11/04/2022 11:24

Does your SD live with her dad for longer periods during those extended periods when he isn’t working?

Quitelikeit · 11/04/2022 11:24

This is ridiculous. I would drop her home and go to work.

AchillesPoirot · 11/04/2022 11:25

Is this a reverse?

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