To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

[constintine]

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

Your 'D' husband needs to cough up the money he owes. He could have respectfully set an alarm to get some hot food sorted before his daughter was picked up. Does he play these games with you?

What’s going to happen now? You can’t help, he can’t work, she won’t have SD back.

she is actively not allowing him to work so how can he pay?

Do you have the same opinion of him not allowing her to work by not having his child more than 2 weekday evenings a month?

Child maintenance should be his top priority.

Rent/mortgage, maintenance, council tax, food. They're the 4 most important bills he has. I bet he hasn't delayed the others for months, has he?

Your DH has fairly minimal contact, can't feed his DD on time as per a simple request and owes Mum a shed load of CSA he doesn't intend to pay soon. Fucking hell.
He deserves a complete bollocking and needs to pull his finger out. Poor kid, Mum must be on her knees hence her reaction.

He's a parent, he should've been on top of what time she needed dinner that evening. I doubt that's the real reason she asked dsd not to be dropped off at the usual time but rather that it's a greater sign of your DH not being a great parent. 8 nights a month is not a lot and he can't even make regular maintenance payments. If he was single how would he cope paying bills that need to be paid? Maintenance should be treated as an essential outlay like a mortgage or gas/electric not just when he can afford to pay it like Netflix.

While she shouldn't be refusing to take dsd back it's currently the only leverage she has. Dsd should be safe with her dad, it's not like she's abandoned her somewhere with people she doesn't know. He should've paid her a long time ago and shouldn't be so spiteful as to say she'll never see the money he owes her for caring for their child for the other 22 ish days each month.

Your DH is completely in the wrong.

His ex will have budgeted for that money. And it’s completely unreasonable not to pay her.

And as for not feeding his child. That’s just neglectful pure and simple.

How does being with someone who acts like that make you feel?

Maybe she wanted him to feed her dinner because she has very little money to do so herself....because he won't pay his maintenance.

Your poor stepdaughter! Mum won’t take her unless she gets paid and Dad won’t pay for her?! She’s really lost the parent lottery here

They're both behaving badly. You're siding with him because he's your husband. I feel sorry for the kid in the middle.

I'd be thinking about whether I wanted to stay with a man that 'forgets' to feed his child dinner and is unable to budget to pay child support. If you have a child with him and split you'll get the same treatment.

My sympathies are more with her than anyone else. I’d be really wound up if someone wasn’t paying me money they owed. And ‘time escaped me’ isn’t really a great excuse for not feeding a child.

Your husbands a dick.

Wow I am surprised by how many are jumping at the dad here.

We have all lost trac of time and fed our children late. It doesn't need a mega lie in 2 days later to get over. Mum is mega unreasonable. How can dad pay what he owed when mum is preventing him from working.?

He should not have said the dont expect payment thing but I do get whynhe said it out of frustration. If he is self employed cancelling could have long time effects on his work.

They both need some anger management classes.

I woild however have dropped dd back to her mum having responded to the text. This doesn't work for me I am working you need to sort childcare for your time with dd.

If your dh was supposed to feed your sd why didn't he set an alarm on his phone to remind him. If he's behind on payments he is totally in the wrong to threaten to withhold it, that's an insult to his dd and his ex might be struggling. So he needs to apologise for being an a#$÷ while pointing out he needs to keep his planned work commitments to be able to catch up. Bit of humble pie needed by your dh

I hope this isn't a reverse

Time escaping him is not an excuse not to feed his daughter. He is bang out of order

He should also be paying what he owes

No decent parent forgets to feed their child.

He already owes child maintenance and plans to withhold more? He's one of "those" fathers then? Good luck with that op.

Your DP is behaving like a dick, and his behaviour is worse than hers. Start there.

It's a massive deal that he didn't feed her ffs. You don't just not feed a child. As for the money ? He's a prick, a selfish one who needs to pay for his kid. You're not much better either. You're condoning his actions. Hope you don't have kids with him or you may find yourself in the ex wife's position.

Both need to prioritise the child and your husband needs to pay what he owes. Not providing a meal for the child as requested could have caused all sorts of inconvenience.

We have all lost trac of time and fed our children late.

Not when we know our children are due to be somewhere else at a certain time and are going to be picked up by someone else we haven’t. Especially when that someone else has felt the need to remind us to feed our own children.

Agree with most others here having been in similar situation myself 15 years ago...ex self employed and using it as an excuse not to pay maintenance for months on end. I would live on smart price dried noodle packs at 22p just so dd could eat nutritious food. Meanwhile he manages to purchase a brand new 4 bedroom house! Sorry but he needs to pay what's owed.

@FairyCakeWings

We have all lost trac of time and fed our children late.

Not when we know our children are due to be somewhere else at a certain time and are going to be picked up by someone else we haven’t. Especially when that someone else has felt the need to remind us to feed our own children.

Absolutely this.

She's not preventing him working. He can find childcare. I'm sure she works/ studies when she's supposed to be with her daughter.

I have never lost track of time and not fed my child just because they were out playing. What a Prince!

Your husband needs to pay her the money he owes. If his job isn't enough ti pay for his child then he needs to find another job doesn't he! The mother has clearly had enough of getting messed about by this tosser and is making a point.

When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

I'm not surprised! He sounds like a crap parent to be honest. Who 'forgets' to feed a child or pay their agreed maintenance? Her playing outside is nothing to do with it.

If you're both working, he needs to arrange childcare during the time she is due to spend with him at the very least.