Regret having 3rd child

[Newusername3kidss]

Have name changed as people know me on here. I know I am being unreasonable as children are a blessing and he was very much wanted but honestly if I could go back I wouldn’t have had a third. They are 8, 6 and 18 months and everything is just hard work because of the youngest.

Went on holiday last week and from the flight to every meal time to every painful bedtime all I kept thinking was we’d be having such a lovely time if it was just the 4 of us. My older boys are at thar brilliant stage where they are a bit independent but also want to spend time with me and I feel like I’m missing out so much as so much of my time and effort is spent with the youngest who just never stops. If someone out there has been in similar position please tell me it gets easier as I’m going under at the moment. We had such a great dynamic the 4 of us and I feel that rather than “completing” our family having a third has just messed it up.

You are at a very hard stage. I find it seems less relentless once they are over 2 years of age.

My two are close to the age of your two. There should be a third the same age as yours, that we lost in the second trimester. I wish I was in your position!

Really sorry for your loss @Chestnutpony. 😔

However, it's not at all fair to say that to someone who is struggling. In fact, quite unkind.

Op, three does tip the balance and you sound like you're under the cosh rather.

Do you have any help at all?

Do your older two enjoy your 18 month old at all?

I understand it OP.

I think the age gap is the reason. You had got past the baby years with your older two and then went back to the beginning again. I did the same and it was so hard going from that comfortable stage with older DS back to the baby stage.

My youngest is nearly 3 and is much better now.

Bit of shit reply there @Chestnutpony 🙄

Yanbu if that's how you feel OP. A lots of us have pondered how life could have been different with different circumstances.

I have a 5 year age gap with mine which I go through periods of loving and hating. Think it's pretty normal when it all feels like a huge struggle to wonder what if 💐

It was always going to be harder with 3 rather than 2. Surely you knew that!

Totally normal! There should be more warnings on having a third!!! It’s total carnage. No money, no time, house is always a mess.

My third is now 2! It’s so much better, I promise it won’t be long until you stop feeling this way. And 18m is the worst age to go on holiday, irrespective of how many you have. Trust me!

2 is suddenly great. They’re all playing together now. They look after each other. It’s so much fun, and (mostly) worth it.

Sending hugs as it’s rubbish right now.

It's quite a common story I think (not that it helps if its happening to you). It will get easier soon, and then more difficult again as the older ones hit their teens. After that the gap will shrink and shrink.

@Chestnutpony

You are at a very hard stage. I find it seems less relentless once they are over 2 years of age.

My two are close to the age of your two. There should be a third the same age as yours, that we lost in the second trimester. I wish I was in your position!

I'm sorry for your loss but telling someone who's struggling that you wish you were in their position is really shitty and unkind. Do we all need to be eternally grateful because someone else has had a loss or doesn't have the things we have? That's not how things work.

Do you have a partner? If so, tag team/divide and conquer. And make sure it's not always him taking the big ones out to do fun stuff, while you're always "stuck" with the little one.

It will of course get easier (and youngest kids tend to get more independent at a younger age when they've got older siblings to keep up with) but you're absolutely right about not putting your life on hold for another 12 months, and not missing out on your older ones right now.

Argh op, having little ones isn't easy but it will get a lot easier very soon.

I have 4 and whilst I remember the first 2's baby/toddler years clearly, the youngest 2's are a blur of fire fighting. Now that they're older, I wish I had had more help to be able to have enjoyed them more.

Anyway, it will soon get easier :)

We have three kids all very close in age so not the same situation. However when they write younger every trip out and every holiday and in fact every day just felt like we were “getting through” it rather than relaxing and enjoying it. 18 month olds are hard work. You can’t turn your back on them for a second and they have to have enough sleep or they’re horrible. It will get easier and you’ll be glad you had the little one when they’re all a bit older. I didn’t even really like my younger two until they were at school 😂

Kindly, was this not thought about before the decision was made to have a third? Surely it was obvious you'd have to start from the baby stage all over again whilst the older 2 became more independent.

I know how you feel. My position was exacerbated when no 3 turned out to be twins and four feels like a lot. It does get easier, twins are now 7 and normal life for me has resumed. Is your Dh useful? Lots of divide and conquer so you get to spend quality time with everyone without being in constant crisis mode.

@PeakyBlinda

Kindly, was this not thought about before the decision was made to have a third? Surely it was obvious you'd have to start from the baby stage all over again whilst the older 2 became more independent.

Saying ‘kindly’ at the start of an unkind post doesn’t make it kind. You don’t mean it kindly at all.

@PeakyBlinda

Kindly, was this not thought about before the decision was made to have a third? Surely it was obvious you'd have to start from the baby stage all over again whilst the older 2 became more independent.

Surely plenty of people decide to do something without knowing exactly how it will turn out. I took on a new job thinking it would be perfect but I’m reality it’s much harder and more stressful than I expected.

Every child is different and you never know how they will fit into your lives until they arrive. You also don’t know how your own mental health may be affected which can greatly change how you’re feeling day to day.

Why on earth did you have a third? You know what it entails as a mother of two already. Remember going pony trekking with our two who were about same age of yours and there was another family there but they had a toddler third. Mum was running about faffing with toddler couldn’t even take part in the activity. Remember thinking god so glad we stopped at two. Sorry not helpful but it’s hard to understand your thought process as it’s a informed choice.

My third kind of slotted in. But my second was a maniac and I regretted going from 3 of us to 4!! Then it sorted itself out and I had a third child!!
Certain stages with little children are really tough and it’s good to be honest about how you feel. Toddlers are exhausting but things will sort themselves out.

I think this about my fourth. My ex left when she was just two so I’ve had to raise them alone since that point. They are now 23, 21, 16 and 12 (nearly 13). I often think all the hard work could be done with if we had stopped at two or three. I find the school stuff tedious now as been doing it so long, for example. The children themselves aren’t hard work, it’s all the stuff associated with caring for them. Meal planning, school, etc.

I’m looking forward to them all being grown up now lol.

I’ve two and the youngest is 18 months and it’s really hard. I didn’t remember it being this hard when the first was 18 months but not suspect it was

I think it’s just the age of your third. Another year or two and it will be completely different. Hang in there!

Also holidays are always difficult with toddlers so it’s probably just made everything seem worse

@ImplementingTheDennisSystem

It was always going to be harder with 3 rather than 2. Surely you knew that!

Was thinking the same. Two older children, have a third, did you think it was going to be easy? Of course it wasn't. All of them at similar ages may have been slightly easier, but still bloody hard. The more kids you have, the harder it is, the more they cost, the more mess created etc.

Just muddle on through, put up with it and it will get easier eventually once they are a bit older. Of course by that point, your 8 year old will be becoming a teenager, so even more nightmares coming up for you. Good luck.

I have three and whilst they are closer in age ( which has its own issues) , I am all about divide and conquer. Now my youngest is 3 and a half it is getting a bit easier. I do feel like my eldest misses out on me a lot sometimes. For instance I rarely go to watch him at football as I always have the other two so I am focusing on remedying that more this year and making my DH take the youngest more. In the school holidays I tend to put my little one in nursery the same days he would normally go and maybe an extra day so I can do stuff we wouldn’t normally be able to do with the older ones. I don’t feel guilty he gets me to himself loads in the week. I often get someone to babysit just the little one at the weekend too so we can do something fun like go see a show. I would avoid going abroad again till he was 4 though!

@shazzer1978 Errr having a child isn't like starting a new job!!!

It's not so much the 3rd it's the age gap that appears to be the problem and yes I can see why you are struggling - I've never really understood why people who already have children continue to have more when the "last" one has such an age gap. There's nothing really can be done which is the toughest thing - you've just got to ride it out until your youngest is older and come to terms with your focus now being elsewhere